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Original poster

Decision made, no more funerals

158 replies

LongTimeDeaded · 20/07/2023 19:28

I’m 50 and I have attended my maternal grandparents funerals, my PIL and my SIL and the next funeral I plan being present at is my own. Reading the comments on the post about missing a friend’s funeral I have decided that I am not attending any more, I’ll tell my parents my decision when I see them tomorrow. I find them so upsetting and I struggle to control my emotions, I just don’t want to do it anymore. Has anyone else considered this as a viable option?

OP posts:
orangeleavesinautumn · 20/07/2023 19:30

NO body enjoys them. You go to support the next of kin, so they are not saying goodbye all on their own. It isn't about your feelings, unless YOU are the NOK in which case, say goodbye however you want, and hope other people will come and support you with it

FlopsiesAngrySandwich · 20/07/2023 19:32

It's up to you, but why are you trying to control your emotions at a funeral?

I think they're supposed to be upsetting...
Do you mean you plan to miss your parents' funerals? Do you think they will mind? If yes, then I wouldn't tell them.

Badbudgeter · 20/07/2023 19:32

I think it’s reasonable. Funerals aren’t for the dead they are supposed to bring comfort to the living. If they don’t work for you don’t go.

I don’t plan to have a funeral myself, direct cremation for me. Will leave some money for my nearest and dearest to have a nice meal somewhere in my memory where they can get pissed and tell funny stories hopefully.

Pallisers · 20/07/2023 19:32

so if one of your parent's dies, you won't go to the funeral to support the one who is widowed?

Also why would you expect a funeral not to be upsetting and emotional? Not going to the funeral isn't going to remove the impact of the death.

StravaLather · 20/07/2023 19:33

I think it's normal to dislike funerals and to find them upsetting and for that to be expressed.
I'm not sure why you feel the need not to attend any more your OP didn't really explain?
I'm also not sure why you need to tell your parents? I imagine that it will just upset them in life, whereas they'll not know/mind when they're dead?

FlopsiesAngrySandwich · 20/07/2023 19:33

My mum is 80 and plans to have a direct cremation. I am sad about it, but of course will respect her wishes.

Pollywoddles · 20/07/2023 19:33

Nobody enjoys funerals as you’re confronted with your own mortality. We go to pay respect to the person who has passed and to show our support for their family. I don’t think your decision reflects well on you.

ivykaty44 · 20/07/2023 19:35

how terrible for your family.

I couldn’t imagine not being their first my dc such a time

betweenfriends · 20/07/2023 19:36

I'd be devastated if something happened to my husband and then, say, my daughter didn't come to his funeral.

Of course funerals are upsetting, but you also need to consider the impact on others if you decide not to attend.

BBno4 · 20/07/2023 19:36

I don't go. My family judge me for it but I dont belive in paying your respects. It is empty and meaningless to me.

When I saw my nan at her wake o didn't want to go near her, I felt detachment and also grossed out. Maybe I would feel differently if it was my children. But even then I would want to grieve in private.

User63847484848 · 20/07/2023 19:36

I think that’s potentially pretty selfish
I recently went to the funeral of a friend’s baby. It was so so sad and upsetting but I went to support her and stand with her in her brief. But you do you.

User63847484848 · 20/07/2023 19:37

*in her grief. That should say

JuneWind · 20/07/2023 19:38

If you hate them so much, why are you planning on the next one you attend to be yours? Surely you wouldn’t want one for yourself, you wouldn’t want to put close friends/family through it?

Besthaveanamechange · 20/07/2023 19:38

Why tell them? It’s just going to hurt them. Just wait til they’re dead and they don’t know if you’re there or not.
i think maybe you are after some attention.

UrsulaIsMyQueen · 20/07/2023 19:39

Do you think anyone enjoys funerals? I go to support other bereaved family members, and to pay my respects. Not because it’s fun.

AgnesX · 20/07/2023 19:39

My take on it too, which is why you pull your big pants on, put tissues in your pocket and go.

Hbh17 · 20/07/2023 19:41

Funerals aren't compulsory. You don't even have to have one yourself - direct cremation is such a fab idea.

PTSDBarbiegirl · 20/07/2023 19:43

I'm terrified of the emotions that will come to the surface at certain funerals so I have decided not to go. I've been unwell at times with a severe MH illness and fear the service, seeing grief etc will trigger another v long period of hellish struggle. It's only the family of one close family member I feel this way about. It's such intense fear, I almost could cry just thinking about it. I've been to many, a couple of tragic, v unexpected funerals which left me with some unresolved trauma and I don't know how to get past that so just accepted I'm not going to these funerals.

CopperSeahorses · 20/07/2023 19:44

My mum didn't come to DH's funeral, her actions that day destroyed our already fragile relationship I cannot imagine not being there for my kids in those circumstances. I attended my dad's, I went to say goodbye to him and support my mum but if you feel it is the right decision for you then go for it.

catsnhats11 · 20/07/2023 19:45

I don't want to sound insensitive but I think you're incredibly lucky to have got to 50 before losing your grandparents, I'm younger than you and all my GPs are long gone along with one of my parents. Of course funerals are upsetting and hard, it would be odd if they weren't. And they aren't for the benefit of the dead person of course, it's to support the family and to say goodbye which some people find helpful as part of the grieving process.

SharonEllis · 20/07/2023 19:45

Im not sure its true that no-one likes funerals. Obviously they are sad, sometimes absolutely devastating. But they are also, hopefully, celebratory & life affirming. Also fascinating - you always learn about the person you loved or admired. My mum died in a devastating accident. Her funeral was really important to me and I did enjoy the love & support that came from others. I'm not undermining what the OP says - its entirely up to her what she wants to do, but I would like to change the assumptions we have about talking about death, dying, and funerals being entirely morbid & negative.

LegendsBeyond · 20/07/2023 19:47

They’re not supposed to be fun though are they? You go to support each other through the grief. I could never tell my parents I wouldn’t be going to their funerals. It would hurt them massively.

VariationsonaTheme · 20/07/2023 19:49

I’m also 50, I don’t attend funerals generally, but I fully expect to attend the funerals of my parents at some point!

Isthisexpected · 20/07/2023 19:49

Do you mean you cry? So what? Unbelievably selfish to tell your parents you won't support the one who is second to go.

Marchmount · 20/07/2023 19:49

You’re going to announce to your parents in a flourish of narcism that you won’t go to their future funerals even to support the other parent who has lost their spouse? You are perfectly entitled to do that and people are entitled to think that you are a self-centred drama queen who purposefully hurts her loved ones. If this is an indication of the kind of person you are then they may not be sad about you not going.