Decision made, no more funerals

[LongTimeDeaded]

I’m 50 and I have attended my maternal grandparents funerals, my PIL and my SIL and the next funeral I plan being present at is my own. Reading the comments on the post about missing a friend’s funeral I have decided that I am not attending any more, I’ll tell my parents my decision when I see them tomorrow. I find them so upsetting and I struggle to control my emotions, I just don’t want to do it anymore. Has anyone else considered this as a viable option?

Hmm it’s tricky isn’t it

I have a fraught relationship with one sibling, we don’t speak so I’d deffo not speak to them under similar circumstance.

But this person is my nan. We are still incredibly close. I respected her choice not to attend, though at the time I was hurt. I’ll still never understand it. But each to their own and that I guess

Families are just a bag of issues in general aren’t they!

I don’t go to funerals. They just line the pockets of funeral directors who prey on the guilt that comes with the death of loved ones. My parents both had no frills funerals - no fuss - no faux dramatic tearful goodbyes from relatives that you haven’t seen for years. Perfect.

It's totally your decision. People can judge and will judge but it's still your personal choice. I recently didn't go to a close family member's funeral. There was no one at that funeral I wanted to show my respects to. He was dead. I took myself off to a place that actually had meaning and memories and sat and paid my respects.

Totally agree. The funeral industry is such a rip off and as evidenced by some replies to the OP, people are guilt tripped into going along with it. Direct cremation is the way forward for me too.

I think YABU. No one likes them and of course they are for the living not the dead. Imagine not supporting your mum at your dad's funeral for example, or vica versa.

Yes it’s so difficult. I had things said to me very much like a lot mentioned in this thread - people will say ‘but you need to say goodbye’ or ‘you need to support the rest of the family’ etc etc and I have to say that what we do is not confine those things just to one very sad day instead we just try to never take anyone for granted - to always spend time with loved ones and never to rush a day to day goodbye - just in case, and to say all the things we want that person to know when they are actually here and can enjoy feeling loved. Supporting the wider family too , again we see that as something that goes beyond the day of a funeral in fact it’s the weeks and months after when everyone else has gone ‘back to normal ‘ that we support , the anxiety leading up to the day and the expectations on the actual day of a funeral then afterwards there’s a void and I’d rather be there for the time after . My siblings wouldn’t have any of it though they are still furious (and mostly because of the planning aspect I think )

So many patronising posters on here coming out with the earth shattering revelation that 'nobody likes funerals'. I think absolutely everyone knows this.

Your life, do as you want. Life's too short to judge strangers.

Why are posters putting the feelings of other people attending a funeral over those of the OP. Why should she feel obliged to support them regardless of her own feelings?

I know nobody likes funerals but I think I've been to some particularly awful ones where there have been all sorts of shenanigans going on. A Funerals
where almost everyone attending was secretly pleased the person died and another where half the attendees hated the other half.

I would only go to a funeral if I had too.

My lovely Dad died last year and we had a direct cremation with no service whatsoever and where the crematorium staff disposed of the ashes for us. It was exactly what we all wanted. People have been having funerals forever but it doesn't mean that attendance at them should be mandatory.

People should do,what suits them and if that means not going to a funeral then they shouldn't go unless there is a good reason too. In theory I wont go to any funerals but I will make exceptions.

Why are posters assuming the OPs parents will be horrified at her telling them that she doesn't want to go their funerals. Maybe they won't mind at all. They may even be glad that she has been comfortable enough to tell them.

Funerals are important for some people but that doesn't mean everyone should be pressured into attending them.

‘Nobody enjoys funerals’ ok I understand this, but there are enjoyable and celebratory elements to a funeral.

A year ago we had my DFs funeral after years of Covid and dementia. Lots and lots of people came that DM and I hadn’t t seen for ages, old friends and new, and many anecdotes and stories were told, and friendships renewed at the wake. My DM had dreaded it but she very much appreciated seeing people who travelled far to see her.

it was cathartic and celebratory…

I'm a private person and don't like showing emotion, but I'm hugely emotional and would sob at an acquaintances Funeral. I went to my dh df funeral and managed to keep myself under control but it was a struggle, I'd never met the man.

I don't blame you op.

I'm just honest and say upfront l always get emotional at funerals, nothing wrong with that. I go out of respect to the deceased and their families. I saw a very sad programme once where some funerals had no attendees.
What l have learnt after several very close family members died very suddenly is to try and let people very important to me know how thankful l am for having them in my life. Nothing worse than having regrets after they have passed.

I don't go to funerals and hold no guilt. I respect people's choice to attend and their reasons. I have my reasons.

When I pass I'm going for direct cremation. I find funerals traumatic, everyone grieving in one place over a corpse (Respectfully).

Why are posters putting the feelings of other people attending a funeral over those of the OP. Why should she feel obliged to support them regardless of her own feelings?

Exactly! Fuck 'duty'.

The last funeral where I tried to keep it together resulted in an almost animalistic wail coming from me uncontrollably. It was mortifying.

It’s not like I don’t speak with my parents, they know me well and we don’t hide from conversations about a whole range of topics, I would consider their opinions and like I said I would be there before and after, just not the service.

Yes, you’re the only person in the world who finds funerals upsetting. The rest of us love them.

Why are posters putting the feelings of other people attending a funeral over those of the OP. Why should she feel obliged to support them regardless of her own feelings?

Because sometimes life and being a mature adult means doing things you may not particularly like or want to do in order to support someone you love. Life isn’t all about the individual. I’ve been to the funerals of 2 children, I didn’t particularly want to go to either and found them both distressing but I went because I knew my friends (the parents of the dead children) would appreciate the support of their friends, and at that time their need was greater than my wishes. When my mother was sick and needed me, I cancelled planned social events that I had been eagerly anticipating to be with her. It’s part of being a decent human being. I’m not being martyrish by saying that, to me it’s simply what people do.

This.

It’s one thing to decide not to attend a funeral if you think it will negatively affect your mental health. (Although the whole point of the funeral and mourning is a process of catharsis that many people find helpful in the long run as part of saying goodbye) But it is another thing to actually tell the people who love you that you won’t be attending their funerals. That could be construed as cruel and, if they are elderly, may cause distress and worry.

Just don’t tell them.

You could ask your GP if they would prescribe you something that might help with your distressing emotional reaction. I would have this conversation with your GP now because there may be another unavoidable distressing event where you need something to get you through. Or you may feel in future that there is a funeral you want to attend but you can’t because of the emotional reaction you fear.

This.

How horribly selfish to not support the parent left behind after the passing of their life partner.

Truly selfish.

Well said. How did people get so selfish? I realise there have always been selfish people, no doubt since the first human walked on earth, but it really is next level these days. So many thinking that everything revolves around them and their wants, and they shouldn't have to do anything they don't want to, ever. I really fear for the future of mankind.

Who was the funeral for op? Someone you loved deeply or a distant neighbour? What would have happened if you'd not tried to keep it together?

Supporting a parent is more than just being at their side during a service and why if their sons are there am I needed too? Can my brothers not support the remaining parent?

I find people who don’t go to funerals selfish to be honest.

It really really isn’t about you.

I would go to very close family and friends, but not further distanced than that. For some reason funerals make me cry uncontrollably, even those of people I’m not particularly close to. It’s embarrassing, but I literally can’t help it. At least at my close families funerals it would be understood. When it happens at someone I hardly know, it’s harder to justify. I probably should try hypnotherapy or something.

Look, you do you you. You’ve (as per your thread title) made your decision so why are you arguing it here? This is starting to feel goady at best.