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Original poster

Decision made, no more funerals

158 replies

LongTimeDeaded · 20/07/2023 19:28

I’m 50 and I have attended my maternal grandparents funerals, my PIL and my SIL and the next funeral I plan being present at is my own. Reading the comments on the post about missing a friend’s funeral I have decided that I am not attending any more, I’ll tell my parents my decision when I see them tomorrow. I find them so upsetting and I struggle to control my emotions, I just don’t want to do it anymore. Has anyone else considered this as a viable option?

OP posts:
StinkyWizzleteets · 20/07/2023 19:52

I don’t think funerals are compulsory. If you want to go you go if you don’t you don’t. There shouldn’t be guilt directed at you for not attending a funeral. That said, I’m not sure avoiding your parents funerals is fair to the others who will have to do all the organising work but that’s something you’d have to deal with when the moment arrived and perhaps expect family fall outs.

Tara24 · 20/07/2023 19:56

My DF died this year and chose a direct cremation. I would not recommend it as I really felt I missed out on the finality of a funeral. I am certain that it would have helped my grieving process. You may therefore find that when the time comes for your parent/s that you will feel differently.

MontyDonsBlueScarf · 20/07/2023 20:05

It really doesn't matter whether you go or not, but please be clear about your intentions. I still find it hard to forgive a former friend who specifically messaged me the day before DH's funeral saying she'd be there, and then just didn't turn up.

Bellajac · 20/07/2023 20:06

My mum did this. She refused to go to the funeral of a family friend as it would be too upsetting for her. I was furious and asked her how she would feel if no one attended her funeral. It wasn't about her, it was about showing love and respect for her friend. She didn't go.

I'm sorry OP but this is narcissistic behaviour. I can't believe you want to tell your parents you won't be at their funerals. It's not about you.

Questionsforyou · 20/07/2023 20:08

I wouldn't tell your parents
You will need to plan their funerals though. That's way worse than going to them, I'll be honest. Choosing your own mum's coffin is 0/10
In reality you can attend whatever you like, but I wouldn't tell your parents, they would be hurt.

Boating123 · 20/07/2023 20:12

What is the benefit of telling your parents you will not be attending their funerals?

sammylady37 · 20/07/2023 20:30

Boating123 · 20/07/2023 20:12

What is the benefit of telling your parents you will not be attending their funerals?

Attention. Drama. Fuss.

Original poster
LongTimeDeaded · 20/07/2023 20:31

I am not looking to announce anything with a narcissistic flourish, just explain my feelings on the subject. I was a small child, about 7 when my paternal grandfather died and me and my brothers weren’t allowed to go to the funeral and my dad’s sister didn’t inform us until after the funeral that our paternal grandmother had died so that is why I have only been to a few funerals. A few colleagues have died over the years and I have always volunteered to staff the office so others could attend. I have my own health concerns and the physical reaction I have to the emotional response makes walking and controlling my body movements very difficult add the crying and it becomes embarrassing, the whole point is that it isn’t about me and if I attend I’m afraid of the attention being on me when that’s the last thing I want. I would be just missing the service I’ll be there for my family before and after. If one of my children didn’t feel that they were able to attend the funeral of their father or myself I can’t imagine making them do something that they really didn’t want to do.

OP posts:
clouddprocess · 20/07/2023 20:31

The remaining parent will find out, presumably, so best to warn in advance.

I don't think it's selfish @LongTimeDeaded Do what you feel is best.

Flux1 · 20/07/2023 20:51

It's not about you. It's about supporting the bereaved. Personally I think you are approaching it from a very selfish perspective and I feel sad for your parents. Why would you expect others to turn up to your funeral if you're not arsed to show others the same respect?

ididntwanttodoit · 20/07/2023 20:52

I don't go to funerals. If I am directly invited, I simply say "Sorry, I don't go to funerals". No one has ever questioned me on this. However, I certainly wouldn't announce in advance to someone that I wasn't going to attend their funeral - that seems unkind. By the time it comes along they are dead anyway, so they don't know.

Besthaveanamechange · 20/07/2023 20:52

Ok but why do you have to upset everyone by telling them now????

I fell on the floor crying at DDs funeral and I wasn’t much better at my Dad’s either. And everyone was like fine, she’s upset. No one gave a shit.

Why create drama? Why do your parents need to know now? You must realise it’s a kick in the teeth. Come on.

Besthaveanamechange · 20/07/2023 20:54

Plus if it is ‘decision made’ why seek further validation here?

Besthaveanamechange · 20/07/2023 20:55

Oh wait…because you want it to be all about your special feelings. Right?

BigcatLittlecat · 20/07/2023 20:58

I will never forget the people who came me to my sister's funeral! They all loved my sister, but they came to support and stand with me in grief! Noone would have enjoyed it!
Could not have imagined nit standing with my mother at my father's funeral!
Now I am a wreck at a funeral! Can barely breathe whilst trying to look as if I am ok, which is tricky! But I do go to show my respects and support.
If you really don't want to go, don't! But don't make it a drama about you!

Guiltyfeethavegotnorhythm0 · 20/07/2023 21:00

Y' know what ? When you get to a certain age as horrible as it is your relatives start dying . You IL's , your parents and Aunts and Uncles . They start dropping like flies . Then guess what ? Your generation are next . Just go to the funerals , everyone goes through it , you're not 12 anymore .

EmpressSoleil · 20/07/2023 21:04

I'm going for direct cremation. My adult DC (who are the only people who matter to me) would hate having to go to my funeral. They're quite introverted and private people and I'm not having them feel uncomfortable for anyone else's sake, not in that situation.

Funerals to me seem like just another money making thing on the whole. The wake is often where the real memories are shared and the persons life is celebrated. Funerals are a horrendous ordeal for those who loved the person and uncomfortable for everyone else.

The last funeral I went to, the man's wife was in bits. She barely made it through. Why do we do it to people? I don't think it's cathartic, I think it's traumatising.

Coronationstation · 20/07/2023 21:04

I can appreciate your point of view. I was so relieved when my DM made it quite clear that she doesn’t want a funeral as she also hates them! I didn’t go to my grandad’s because it wasn’t how I wanted to remember him and as it happened my mum booked it for the one day that I told her it would be practically impossible for me to attend so I had a way out. I just hate them and it makes me grief worse not better. One of my good friends didn’t have a funeral and it doesn’t mean that we don’t grieve or remember her regularly. We always do something to mark the day she passed.

Soakitup37 · 20/07/2023 21:05

so let me get this straight;

you hate funeral.(does anyone like them?)
you want to vocal tell your parents /and others you’re not attending there’s when the time comes. Elongating stress on them.
You want the next funeral you attend to be yours (so you want a funeral)?
you made a post about it to tell others.
What happens if it’s your funeral first? Do people get to opt out?

Threenow · 20/07/2023 21:08

I had a direct cremation for both of my parents, but if yours are going to have traditional funerals then of course you have to attend! No-one goes to a funeral for entertainment, or expects them to be fun. They are supposed to be a celebration of the life of the deceased, and a chance to say goodbye. Of course they are upsetting, and why on earth do you struggle to control your emotions - nobody will be expecting you to. Telling your parents you will not attend their funerals is selfish in the extreme.

N0ëlle · 20/07/2023 21:09

I'd say nothing. There are a couple aunts whose funerals I will not be attending. I won't announce it. I just decided, when my mother successfully drafted them in to the silent treatment she was giving me, I thought, ok bitches, nice. I just won' t show up though. If anybody misses me, so be it. If anybody questions me, I will say, ah, for her sake I didn't go.

runningonberocca · 20/07/2023 21:11

I’m so sick of the me-centric attitudes on MN. Of course funerals are bloody upsetting- it’s not meant to be a fun day out! It’s to pay respects to the person who died and to offer support and share the grief and the good memories with those left behind. It’s not all about you.
And I cannot see why an adult woman would decide to create an adolescent drama and tell her elderly parents that she won’t attend their funerals.

Original poster
LongTimeDeaded · 20/07/2023 21:12

Soakitup37 · 20/07/2023 21:05

so let me get this straight;

you hate funeral.(does anyone like them?)
you want to vocal tell your parents /and others you’re not attending there’s when the time comes. Elongating stress on them.
You want the next funeral you attend to be yours (so you want a funeral)?
you made a post about it to tell others.
What happens if it’s your funeral first? Do people get to opt out?

I’m going to donate my body to medicine so I made an error, no funeral for me. And if there was one I would be oblivious due to my death whether no one attended or if it was standing room only.

OP posts:
Lilacshade · 20/07/2023 21:14

Guiltyfeethavegotnorhythm0 · 20/07/2023 21:00

Y' know what ? When you get to a certain age as horrible as it is your relatives start dying . You IL's , your parents and Aunts and Uncles . They start dropping like flies . Then guess what ? Your generation are next . Just go to the funerals , everyone goes through it , you're not 12 anymore .

This sums it up.
It's a duty not a pleasure. It gives comfort and shows respect.

SirKurtBored · 20/07/2023 21:14

LongTimeDeaded · 20/07/2023 19:28

I’m 50 and I have attended my maternal grandparents funerals, my PIL and my SIL and the next funeral I plan being present at is my own. Reading the comments on the post about missing a friend’s funeral I have decided that I am not attending any more, I’ll tell my parents my decision when I see them tomorrow. I find them so upsetting and I struggle to control my emotions, I just don’t want to do it anymore. Has anyone else considered this as a viable option?

Seriously? You would miss your mum and dad’s funeral? Missing being their support when the first of them is widowed?

just because you find funerals upsetting? Nobody likes funerals!

if you were my child I would be devastated.

I think choosing to go to less close funerals is a valid choice, but can you imagine how hurtful it is to tell a living parent that when they need you you won’t be there?