Decision made, no more funerals

[LongTimeDeaded]

I’m 50 and I have attended my maternal grandparents funerals, my PIL and my SIL and the next funeral I plan being present at is my own. Reading the comments on the post about missing a friend’s funeral I have decided that I am not attending any more, I’ll tell my parents my decision when I see them tomorrow. I find them so upsetting and I struggle to control my emotions, I just don’t want to do it anymore. Has anyone else considered this as a viable option?

I arranged and attended my mothers funeral last week. I've done my fathers too, and my grandparents. Do you think I wanted to do that? Death isn't part of life you can opt out of because you don't fancy it. Your parents will be so upset if you tell them you won't be turning up see them into their graves.

They are part of the grieving process for SOME PEOPLE but not all. Why do you think you know what's the best way to "grieve" for other people?

We didn't have any funeral or service for my Dad when he died. Literally nothing. We don't even know the day! This was exactly what we all wanted and we are really glad we did it this way. My siblings, my Mum and my kids are all having direct cremations with NO FUNERAL or SERVICE when we die too.
It's been 18 months since my Dad died and we are still really glad that we choose not to have a funeral. We still miss him and talk about him. I dont think we would have grieved any 'better' if we had had a funeral.

I can see the reasons why people have funerals. I understand why they can be comforting but to assume that they are the only correct way to grieve is wrong.

(Saving Money wasn't a factor in choosing a direct to crem for my Dad with no service but it was a lot, lot cheaper! )

I agree with you.

I have said that I don't want a funeral. They are a waste of money.

I don't care what happens to my body when I die.

Your parents will be so upset if you tell them you won't be turning up see them into their graves.

You know nothing about other peoples parents views, so stop assuming.

I'm sorry for the loss of your Mum and your Dad too. My Dad didn't want a funeral and was relieved when we all decided that when he died we would have a direct to crem funeral with no service. Why are you assuming that the OPs parents would not be ok with it?
I think it's dramatic to suggest the OP is trying to opt out of dealing with death. She just wants to skip the funeral part and she has given her good reasons why. She isn't suggesting she doesn't go because she can't be bothered, she genuinely feels she can't.

Human beings have always had death rituals and funeral rites. It's a really fundamental part of life. I dread them too, but I think it's really important to confront the pain of grief and accept it and come together in it. I think English culture in particular is very buttoned up and repressed when it comes to birth and death and that's emotionally harmful to us. I don't think we can just opt out; I think missing a parent's funeral or similar would really have damaging consequences after the fact. The pain and sadness is inevitable, you can't avoid it. I really don't think it's ever easy but funerals are so meaningful and significant. I think trying to dismiss them is an understandable self-protective impulse but in the end you might do yourself more harm trying to shield yourself from that initial agony and discomfort and only make things worse down the line. And I would be devastated if friends wouldn't come to support me in my grief too. It's a communal experience that really does matter.

It's a communal experience that really does matter.

It matters to you, not necessarily to others.

@EdwardianTable
Human beings have always had death rituals and funeral rites. It's a really fundamental part of life. I dread them too, but I think it's really important to confront the pain of grief and accept it and come together in it.

Traditions change over time though. Just because funerals were part of what was normal doesn't mean that it's the correct and only way to do 'death'
Look at how peoples views on religion, marriage and sex has changed over the years?

It's also really strange to assume that because some families don't have funerals that they are shying away from their feelings and are doing it as a way to avoid dealing with their grief. Our family is maybe a little more pragmatic than some but that doesn't mean we are emotionally stunted. I actually think we deal with death in a wholesome and open way.

Every person, every family and every death is different. You can't decide what is correct for everyone and it's just downright insulting to suggest that if people don't deal with a bereavement in the way you think fit means there must be something wrong with them.

I'm glad our family is so open about it.

Direct crem is increasingly normal these days. Im glad people have the choice.

I think people are being very unkind to be piling on the OP for this. She has explained her reasoning.

I wouldn't dream of trying to guilt trip people about something like that.

I can see the reasons why people have funerals. I understand why they can be comforting but to assume that they are the only correct way to grieve is wrong

This. Some posts on this thread are outrageous. How dare you tell someone how they have to grieve?

funerals are not necessary for everyone and people are banging on about attention seeking? There's nothing more attention seeking than following a coffin in somewhere. You see it on SM all the time.

You do you. You don't get to speak for everyone.

I personally find funerals a waste of time and money. I will be having a direct cremation and if ds wishes to arrange a get together after for a few people that is fine by me.

According to Cost of Dying Report 2023 The Sun Life Cost of Dying Report 2023 18% of funerals are now Direct to Crem in the UK. Some of those will include a simple service or spreading of ashes though.

The average cost of funerals is slightly declining because of this.

Link again REPORT HERE

Make sure you plan your own direct cremation so no one has to attend yours
My family have all arranged this and what would normally be spent on a traditional funeral will be given to small local animal charities ( as we did for my Dads )
I think it's entirely your decision to attend a funeral or not. It shouldn't be compulsory

I’ve read all the comments and there are lots of assumptions.

1. Of course I will support either parent I will be there before the funeral service and afterwards it’s just the service that I will miss, my surviving parent will not be on their own there will be my brothers, grandchildren and numerous friends with them.
2. We are a family that communicates well, if I thought for one minute that my siblings or parents would have a problem with my decision I doubt that I would have made it.
3. I agree that death is part of life and just because some of you are resilient enough to power through doesn’t mean that we all are or should.
4. My health condition, when stressed and/or upset causes a physical reaction that affects my movement, unless you have a similar problem you cannot understand the affect that this has on a person.
5. Im not looking to ‘announce’ my decision, it will be part of a conversation that will eventually get to the topic and obviously I will gauge the situation as the conversation develops.
6. If my parent/s opt for a direct cremation then does that still make me selfish and self centred.
7. To those that insult and abuse, you don’t know me and my family so your insults are wasted.
8. To those that didn’t completely understand my mindset and gave examples of your own grief, thank you for sharing, you have my deepest sympathies and I hope you were comforted by your loved ones funeral.
9. To those who understood my thoughts and sympathised with me and defended my choice, thank you, your comments meant so much to me.
10. Society and customs change, just because I don’t want to go to a funeral doesn’t mean that I am stopping anyone else. It is selfish, I agree but it’s not the worst thing that someone could choose and sometimes we have to be a bit selfish.

Im leaving the thread now, my parents are only 76 and live in the next street so I’m going to pop round to see them with some strawberries from the garden.

That's a week considered reply OP. The only thing I disagree with is the idea that you are being selfish.

Enjoy your strawberries!

I’ve had enough of attending funerals too. When I was in secondary school I was expected to accompany my mother to funerals. Her extended family, former neighbours etc, mostly people I had never met. When I was 14 we went to her distant cousins funeral and she had an open casket.

At late MIL’s funeral a few years ago I decided I want to be cremated. There is one aspect of burial that gets me every time. I won’t say it here, but I’m subjecting my DDs to that when the time comes.

What if one parent dies, and the other one wants and needs your support during the service, @LongTimeDeaded?

As I said earlier, I would be incredibly hurt if one of my sons decided not to come to their father’s funeral.

I truly hope you never have to find out what losing your child is like!

The only thing barbaric about my sons funeral was the fact that it was him getting buried, and not me or his grandparents or the many relatives who had lived a life, and any one of us would have happily changed places with him.

Oh and we didn't have relatives coming out the woodwork, we had a limit of 20, for the service, which was more than some people had.

We couldn't even have a wake afterwards.

And I didn't say the OP was selfish, I asked her if she would attend her child's funeral.

No, you tried to lay on a guilt trip.

The OP is allowed to feel what she's feeling and nobody gets to make her feel guilty about it.

Well done for knowing your limits on what you can cope with. I don't think this is selfish at all but protecting yourself. We all have different challenges with our mental health and I'm sure your parents wouldn't want you to make yourself ill. You can still be there for a remaining parent if you are not at the funeral, it's only a short service and sounds like you need to protect your own mental health to be able to cope and therefore support further.

The last one I attended was DH's..I didn't want to go, I hated it, I struggled all day, but I did it out love.

You either attend them from love, or to show support for others.

Its not about you.

You would think that someone who has gone through the pain of loosing their husband would be more sympathetic towards other people. Grieving isn't a competitive sport. I can't imagine how hard it must have been for you to get through the day but surely you can see that not everyone would have the strength to do that. You can be be loving and supportive and still not go to a funeral. It's deeply unkind to suggest otherwise.

Not sure where I tried to lay on a guilt trip, I asked a question, I didn't even say if I thought the OP was right or wrong.

But if you want to think that then that's your perogative.

I actually find the post quite offensive , attendees at funerals are not grief vampires . To see relatives who you have not seen in years who spend time travelling for a funeral of your loved , is very welcome . It's offensive to say they are turning up for a piss up .

Really? You think people who never bothered with you when you were alive, showing up when your dead is a good thing?

Rightio...