Decision made, no more funerals

[LongTimeDeaded]

I’m 50 and I have attended my maternal grandparents funerals, my PIL and my SIL and the next funeral I plan being present at is my own. Reading the comments on the post about missing a friend’s funeral I have decided that I am not attending any more, I’ll tell my parents my decision when I see them tomorrow. I find them so upsetting and I struggle to control my emotions, I just don’t want to do it anymore. Has anyone else considered this as a viable option?

the whole point is that it isn’t about me and if I attend I’m afraid of the attention being on me when that’s the last thing I want.

You’re making it ALL about you. Nobody will even notice you, mourners are too consumed with grief to pay you the least attention.

This.

The first funeral I went to was my grandfather's when I was 11. It was just his children, their spouses and we grandchildren. It was awful (and I found out in later years, his sister and wider family were hurt at being excluded, but i didn't know any of that at the time.) It's the main reason I always go to funerals if I can. They're better with a lot of people. My parents each had a full church, and seeing people I'd not met for years, it all made it a bit more bearable. But there were others who didn't come and that was okay, too. We all have to get through grief in our own way.

My parents know I have PTSD with funerals. They are both okay if I don't go to their funerals and understand. They feel that may be their last act of care for me. Thank goodness for understanding people.

Oh, believe me, if you are crying uncontrollably it gets noticed.

Momentary distress for you could lead to on-going deep hurt for others.
My mother died a few months ago, we had a proper Irish wake for her with at least two thousand people paying their respects to her and us at her home over the two days before her funeral . Another crowd of hundreds at her funeral sympathised with us. We cried ,laughed and cried some more over those days.
I can't easily remember those that were there but I can tell you which of my friends weren't. Its hurt me deeply to know they couldn't be bothered to show up if not for my Mam but for me. If any of them showed up to the funeral "reception " I'd have told them to F-off. Its easy to be there for the lighter moments. It's the hard times that show who you can rely on.
So what if you get emotional and lose control? Funerals are sad , it's okay to weep, to be overcome , all perfectly normal behaviour.
You need to get over yourself, Woman up and think how your absence may affect the bereaved.

I have PTSD around funerals. I tried to go to one to support a friend when he husband died. As we were about to leave the house I had a big meltdown and panic attack. It really wouldn't have been appropriate for me to attend.

I recently attended a funeral remotely. Still had a meltdown.

I told my parents I'd have to look into medication to attend theirs. They have given me leave to not attend and totally understand.

We have decided not to hold funerals for each other, me and DH.

There are plenty of ways to show support outside of funerals. A lot of people attend the funeral and that's it. The more meaningful ongoing support before and after the funeral counts for a lot more. Those who are there when everyone else has gone away, because life is supposed to get back to normal after the funeral. I can't go to funerals yet, hopefully I can one day, I used to go to them all, but I do offer all the support I can before and in the months after.

There will still be a funeral once medicine has finished with your body, if they take it at all

This is the most selfish thing I've read in a long time.

If you really don't want to go then don't but fgs don't announce it like it's so much harder for you than it is for anyone else. All you are going to do is upset people.

It's better to announce it now, though, rather than just after someone (whose funeral she won't be attending) has died, and when emotions will be running high. At least they'll be prepared and forewarned this way.

I do wish people would understand that sometimes people can't go to funerals due to things like PTSD, not being selfish. I used to go to every funeral. I don't do funerals anymore but I am the most supportive person before and after funerals.

I've considered just going to random funerals for a while to see if it will desensitise me. I don't know what I can do about it other than explain and be as supportive as I can in every other way, except that funeral hour.

I don't think this applies to OP but I hope it will make people think when they judge people for something they think they should just get over themselves to do.

I’m 40 and I have attended both my parents funerals, two of my babies funerals, my maternal grandparents funerals, paternal grandparents funerals, grandparents in laws funerals, my uncle’s funeral, two very good friends funerals, three funerals for my friends’ children, a group funeral for three children killed together in the same accident, the funeral for a co-worker who I found dead, the funeral of a friend who died in the same room as me when she was 13.

The youngest of my DC has been to more funerals than you list in your OP. I’m always sorry for a loss, and funerals aren’t on my list of fun things, but you imply in your OP you are done with them not because you find them upsetting per se but that you are done with them because you have done your fair share, or more than your fair share. When to many of us, your list is very short and mostly in the natural order of things.

I am on the fence about whether I’d like a funeral for myself and having arranged many, they aren’t cheap or easy, but you risk alienating your parents I’d have thought by declaring it at this stage.

How horribly selfish to not support the parent left behind after the passing of their life partner

You could say it's horribly selfish for people not to support the OP as the child left behind after the passing of their parent.

If the OPs parent dies and she feel she really can't go to the funeral why wouldn't her family want to support her? Why would her needs be below that of the surviving parent? The surviving parent would have other family and friends around her at the funeral. The OP wouldn't be choosing to stay away because she can't be arsed it because she real feels she can't go.

I'd go to a funeral in some circumstances but if I can not go I wouldn't.

My family does great funerals to be honest and I definitely enjoy them. We laugh, we cry. Rousing songs and beautiful readings. Good food and happy stories about the deceased. They are very healing and cathartic. Not all funerals are made equal.

I've done a bit of planning for mine so that the kids know what I want. I'm only early 50s but lost both DM and DSis in their late 30s.

Not turning up to something is always a viable option. But are you really going to have your own funeral when you hate them so much?

I wouldn't tell my parents I wasn't going to attend their funeral and cause upset now. I would discuss it with my remaining parent when the time came. Kindly and calmly.

What I would do is make sure the funeral of my family members is as lovely as possible. As a family we no longer attend the crematorium,and focus on the church service and the wake. Funerals are a cultural thing, and I'd rather create my own traditions to help my children and future generations in difficult times.

If any of my kids went before me, they would get a direct cremation. As all of we are. You don't need a funeral to say goodbye, you need the memorial/wake. I think sitting in front of a coffin while people get up and talk is barbaric. Grief vampires and family you haven't seen in years coming out the woodwork for the piss up after. No thankyou.

Take no notice of the people call you selfish OP. It's a tradition that doesn't have to be done.

@LongTimeDeaded Supporting a parent is more than just being at their side during a service and why if their sons are there am I needed too? Can my brothers not support the remaining parent?

You haven't lost a parent yet. You don't get it. When it happens I hope you reread this and cringe at your thoughtlessness and lack of empathy. Your parent will need you.

Of course they're upsetting! You can't just opt out of the hard parts of life.

I can't imagine telling my lovely mum I won't attend her funeral when the time comes as it would upset me!!

OK - I'm trying to picture it. Dh has died, and I am distraught. On the day of the funeral two of my dses are there with me, but the other has said they don't like funerals and won't come, even to support me.

Would this make my pain worse? Definitely, yes it would.

Completely agree.

In the space of 8 months I attended the funerals of my darling dad and my best friend of 30 years. They were 2 of the most painful days of my life. I cannot imagine not being at either, supporting my mum, sister and others as they supported me. It was so hard but there are things you need to do in life, you can't just hide under the bedclothes when the going gets tough. Well you can but I couldn't live with myself afterwards.

Sorry I meant to quote @rrunningonberocca

They are part of the grieving process.

No one wants to go.
And some you are missing your close ones who died but you go.

And they help usually.

But if you are announcing you are not going to anymore, you can also make a will saying you don't want one for you as well. Then you help others not to have to go to yours.

The last funeral where I tried to keep it together resulted in an almost animalistic wail coming from me uncontrollably. It was mortifying

Don't FGS go to the Sistine Chapel, then.

You do whatever suits you. But no need to make dramatic declarations like you are the only person who dislikes funerals and your special feelings are more special than anyone elses.

One of my aunts 'does not go to funerals'. But she makes a big song and dance about them because they make her so upset. It's just another attention seeking strategy of hers.

Go, or don't go. But ultimately unless the funeral is yours it's simply not all about you.

My Mum died in May, I am an only child with no children and I would have given anything to not have to attend her funeral.

But I had to organise the service and, of course, had to attend and make sure everyone was OK. It was really tough but I could not have missed attending. Sometimes you have to be the grown up and accept that people die and the least you can do is front up for the service. It takes about 30 minutes and there is no way I could justify not attending and giving the 30 minutes.