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Original poster

Decision made, no more funerals

158 replies

LongTimeDeaded · 20/07/2023 19:28

I’m 50 and I have attended my maternal grandparents funerals, my PIL and my SIL and the next funeral I plan being present at is my own. Reading the comments on the post about missing a friend’s funeral I have decided that I am not attending any more, I’ll tell my parents my decision when I see them tomorrow. I find them so upsetting and I struggle to control my emotions, I just don’t want to do it anymore. Has anyone else considered this as a viable option?

OP posts:
AuntieMarys · 20/07/2023 21:16

I've been to very few funerals and I'm in my 60s...my parents, sister and a friend. I didn't go to grandparents or other relatives. I'm having a direct cremation as is dh.

Ifitsnotscientific · 20/07/2023 21:16

We don’t have or go to funerals in our family . It’s part of our personal belief system that we have. Some people find it odd but it’s made some losses much easier to cope with

Bellajac · 20/07/2023 21:16

I wasn't able to attend the funeral of my sibling during the pandemic. It was heartbreaking not to be able to be there.

You are self absorbed and selfish.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 20/07/2023 21:17

What will you do of one or both of your parents says it will cause them hurt and distress if you don’t go to the funeral of the one who dies first, to support the other one, @LongTimeDeaded?

Greyandwhitecat · 20/07/2023 21:18

I wouldn’t want anyone to go to my funeral if they didn’t want to. You don’t have to do anything you think will be detrimental to your physical or mental wellbeing. After a lifetime of putting others first I have learnt this the hard way.

mummyh2016 · 20/07/2023 21:19

I completely get not wanting to go to the funerals of great aunts and the like. But are you honestly not going to go to your own parents funeral Confused it's fucking odd even for MN!

PurpleChrayne · 20/07/2023 21:19

Feels attention-seekerish to me. Like people who say how much they hate hospitals. Who doesn't??

Babdoc · 20/07/2023 21:22

Funerals done properly are wonderful - a celebration of the person’s life, a chance to grieve together and say goodbye, and the comfort of commending their soul to the loving care of God.
My MIL’s funeral was lovely. The locals had filled the whole village church with wild flowers and bouquets from their own gardens, the prayers and hymns were well chosen, and as people filed out at the end, one of the adult granddaughters gave a perfect rendition of “A nightingale sang in Berkeley Square” - which had been MIL and FIL’s special song.
I have chosen the hymns and readings for my own funeral, including the very comforting one from Revelations, that says God will wipe away all tears, and that there will be no more death or sorrow. I hope my daughters and friends will attend, and that it will be a supportive experience for a rite of passage we all have to go through.

AndyMcFlurry · 20/07/2023 21:23

LongTimeDeaded · 20/07/2023 21:12

I’m going to donate my body to medicine so I made an error, no funeral for me. And if there was one I would be oblivious due to my death whether no one attended or if it was standing room only.

Show quote history

Medical schools have a funeral service for relatives or
d those who have donated their bodies.

BTW you need to contact the medical school now and fill in paperwork .

Goldenboysmum · 20/07/2023 21:24

LongTimeDeaded · 20/07/2023 20:31

I am not looking to announce anything with a narcissistic flourish, just explain my feelings on the subject. I was a small child, about 7 when my paternal grandfather died and me and my brothers weren’t allowed to go to the funeral and my dad’s sister didn’t inform us until after the funeral that our paternal grandmother had died so that is why I have only been to a few funerals. A few colleagues have died over the years and I have always volunteered to staff the office so others could attend. I have my own health concerns and the physical reaction I have to the emotional response makes walking and controlling my body movements very difficult add the crying and it becomes embarrassing, the whole point is that it isn’t about me and if I attend I’m afraid of the attention being on me when that’s the last thing I want. I would be just missing the service I’ll be there for my family before and after. If one of my children didn’t feel that they were able to attend the funeral of their father or myself I can’t imagine making them do something that they really didn’t want to do.

What would you do if it was your child's funeral?

Are you honestly saying you wouldn't attend?

WhatADrabCarpet · 20/07/2023 21:25

I hear you OP.

I've decided to go for a direct cremation but my family are horrified.
They think it's wrong in so many levels...including that I'm being selfish!

I suppose the reality will be that they'll decide.
I won't be there.

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 20/07/2023 21:26

Dh had a direct cremation, I couldn’t sit through his funeral & I can’t imagine him sitting through mine either.

I will be prepaying for one for myself too.

AuntieMarys · 20/07/2023 21:26

WhatADrabCarpet · 20/07/2023 21:25

I hear you OP.

I've decided to go for a direct cremation but my family are horrified.
They think it's wrong in so many levels...including that I'm being selfish!

I suppose the reality will be that they'll decide.
I won't be there.

So they will go against your wishes?

Guiltyfeethavegotnorhythm0 · 20/07/2023 21:27

Lilacshade · 20/07/2023 21:14

This sums it up.
It's a duty not a pleasure. It gives comfort and shows respect.

Show quote history

I would never have dreamt of not going to my cousins parents funerals .

LlynTegid · 20/07/2023 21:28

I don't think it is a decision I agree with, though it is your choice. I think that you are doing the right thing to inform your parents now, be prepared for them to seek to change your view.

inverness123 · 20/07/2023 21:29

I always pull out all the stops to try to attend funerals. It’s not about you, it’s not even really about the person who died, it’s about easing the pain of their loved ones by showing they were loved and you made the effort to be there for me.

it meant so much to me to see the people who turned up for my mums funeral. If someone close to her had not come without a good reason, I would have found that hard to deal with and it would have affected my relationship with them.

SlightlygrumpyBettyswaitress · 20/07/2023 21:33

I kinda thought that until my brother died and there was no funeral.
Obvs his wife's business and I had no say but I still feel weird and find his loss hard to deal with cos there was closure.
Don't go to any if you don't want, I missed a couple cos I couldn't bear it.

greyhairnomore · 20/07/2023 21:37

@LongTimeDeaded you can't just choose to donate your body. A medical school has to accept it , they won't accept with certain illnesses, or if they already have all the bodies they need. Also can't donate if you've had a PM.

www.rcseng.ac.uk/about-the-rcs/support-our-work/donate/donate-your-body-to-medical-science/

FairAcre · 20/07/2023 21:39

It’s not really about you though. It’s about supporting the bereaved.

CatchHimDerry · 20/07/2023 21:44

I have a family member who attended neither her DH nor her own son’s funerals.

I get that everyone grieves in their own way and yet I’ll never understand really

mellicauli · 20/07/2023 21:51

You seem to have some issues around death. Maybe get some counselling before you go upsetting your parents with big announcements.

Westsussexisbest · 20/07/2023 21:53

runningonberocca · 20/07/2023 21:11

I’m so sick of the me-centric attitudes on MN. Of course funerals are bloody upsetting- it’s not meant to be a fun day out! It’s to pay respects to the person who died and to offer support and share the grief and the good memories with those left behind. It’s not all about you.
And I cannot see why an adult woman would decide to create an adolescent drama and tell her elderly parents that she won’t attend their funerals.

Totally agree

Ifitsnotscientific · 20/07/2023 21:54

CatchHimDerry · 20/07/2023 21:44

I have a family member who attended neither her DH nor her own son’s funerals.

I get that everyone grieves in their own way and yet I’ll never understand really

It can cause issues in families , my siblings won’t speak to me after I didn’t attend our parents funerals . I explained my reasons but they don’t understand at all and don’t agree with what they describe as me ‘making up your own weird religion’!!!!

neilyoungismyhero · 20/07/2023 21:58

I hate funerals. They're so bloody sad especially if the person was young. I don't go in respect to the dead, they don't know or care but I go to support the ones left behind, they're the ones it's important to think about.
I'm considering a direct funeral and am planning to ask my kids their thoughts on it.

It's sad as it sounds like you're not planning to go to your parents if they have a service.

ASoapImpressionOfHisWifeWhichHeAte · 20/07/2023 21:59

orangeleavesinautumn · 20/07/2023 19:30

NO body enjoys them. You go to support the next of kin, so they are not saying goodbye all on their own. It isn't about your feelings, unless YOU are the NOK in which case, say goodbye however you want, and hope other people will come and support you with it

Yeah, this. It's like people who say they don't like hospitals... who does. Suck it up. Everyone's upset. You're not there for the dead, you're there for those left behind.