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Original poster

Overheard something quite personal

990 replies

User5653218 · 14/07/2023 11:20

I was walking along the road and I could hear someone in a parked car having a chat on a hands free speaker. She had all her windows open and the speaker was really loud.

She was a carer for a care company, logo on the car. I couldn't really make out what the person in the car was saying but the person on the speakerphone could be heard clear as day by anyone nearby. They were obviously discussing the clients they had visited this morning and the speakerphone person said "when I went into Mary at number 14 this morning she had shat herself in her chair again" then they both started laughing.

Mary is not her real name, it is a very distinctive name, so I knew straight away who they were talking about. She's an elderly lady I know quite well. She would be mortified if she knew anyone walking past that car at that time knew that about her. And the car was parked just round the corner from her house so there's a good chance that anyone walking past might work out who they were talking about.

I stopped at the car and said "excuse me, I could hear really clearly what was being said on your speaker, I know the person you are laughing about."

The woman said "oh ffs, we're just having a laugh. Do you fancy wiping old women's bums after they've been sat in their own shit for god knows how long?"

And I said "No I wouldn't, I'm glad you're able to do it, but maybe you could just close your window or not use your speaker, then no-one would hear you"

She said "oh fuck off".

So I left.

Should I report them to their agency? I don't want to get them in trouble, they do do a job many people couldn't, but I know Mary would be devastated if she knew I'd heard that. I'm so angry for her. She's such a lovely lady, she tries so hard to keep her independence and dignity despite all her health problems.

I toyed with telling her, but it would just upset her and I'm not sure how easy it would be for her to find alternative care anyway, there's not much to choose from round our way. And I don't know if she would then be too embarrassed to speak to me. She doesn't have family, if she had a son or daughter I might have spoken to them.

But it makes me so angry that these women were laughing about her and that they will still be doing her personal care. Am I over-reacting? Were they just letting off steam after their early morning shift? It is a tough job, I have no doubt it's not fun to start your day with that. But that is their job and their clients can't help it. I'm sure they don't want to be like this either.

What would you do? I'm thinking I'll tell the agency but not Mary. Or is it enough that I spoke to the person in the car and maybe they'll think about it in future, even if they were rude to me at the time?

I guess I could do a semi-anonymous report where I just say that I overheard some chat in a car and could they please remind their staff to be discreet when having conversations in a public place, rather than give details?

OP posts:
MogTheMoogle · 14/07/2023 12:14

It's not professional to be laughing and joking about their clients, and a disrespectful conversation to have in public.

But its not just "jokes" and disgraceful behaviour that's the issue here. Even if they were talking respectfully - they are still inadvertently sharing sensitive and private information.

There is potentially a risk here. What if the next speakerphone conversation isn't about her accident, but the code to her key safe? Or another clients address or contact number?

Private medical information - if one of their clients is unwell - and hasn't necessarily shared this with others.

It's all hypothetical now, but it only takes one conversation with the wrong person walking past to put a client at risk or upset someone.

Definitely let the agency know, and mention even if the conversation is entirely professional, a phone conversation on car speakers can be fully heard outside the car, when its stationary (even with windows closed tbh).

Arewehumanorarewecupboards · 14/07/2023 12:15

It is a tough job with shit wages but it doesn’t excuse their behaviour.

Mary is reliant on people that laugh about her and talk about her in public. This isn’t okay!

Missingmyusername · 14/07/2023 12:15

SophiaElise · 14/07/2023 11:24

Let's say you tell the agency, the carers quit or get sacked, no-one wants the job and Mary has to go into a home. And dies shortly afterwards.

Or... you just get on with your day and life carries on as normal.

Would you be ok with someone discussing your bodily functions?! How bloody humiliating.

It’s one thing using humour to get through the day- but to use names is another.

I’d report her.

Poor Mary!

Arewehumanorarewecupboards · 14/07/2023 12:15

MogTheMoogle · 14/07/2023 12:14

It's not professional to be laughing and joking about their clients, and a disrespectful conversation to have in public.

But its not just "jokes" and disgraceful behaviour that's the issue here. Even if they were talking respectfully - they are still inadvertently sharing sensitive and private information.

There is potentially a risk here. What if the next speakerphone conversation isn't about her accident, but the code to her key safe? Or another clients address or contact number?

Private medical information - if one of their clients is unwell - and hasn't necessarily shared this with others.

It's all hypothetical now, but it only takes one conversation with the wrong person walking past to put a client at risk or upset someone.

Definitely let the agency know, and mention even if the conversation is entirely professional, a phone conversation on car speakers can be fully heard outside the car, when its stationary (even with windows closed tbh).

This

Mrsjayy · 14/07/2023 12:15

User5653218 · 14/07/2023 12:06

What if I report it in detail and Mary finds out it was me? I think she would withdraw from me out of embarrassment and that would be awful. I wouldn't trust the agency to be discreet with my name either.

But you're right, I have to report it properly don't I?

I'm going to take the dog out for a walk, ring Mary's doorbell on the way past for a chat (this is not unusual so won't make her suspicious but will make me more determined) then phone the agency. And send a follow up email.

She won't know the company has a duty of care to their employees even disrespectful ones ! Mary deserves better

Mrsjayy · 14/07/2023 12:16

Won't know it was you*

Boudiccabitesback · 14/07/2023 12:16

Hi @User5653218 .
I commend you for sticking up for Mary. Everyone needs a friend like you 🌺
If you make a detailed complaint about these people to the company they work for, I don't see how or why Mary would be informed about the incident let alone your name? I might be wrong though 🤷🏻‍♀️
You don't need to give your full name or address in an email, you can even make a new email address purely for this?
Once you have made the complaint would the company be obliged to share any further information with you? Maybe not.
I think the company has a right to know who they're employing and the clients have a right to anonymity and above all dignity 🌺

MammaYamada · 14/07/2023 12:16

I think it's enough you had a word, it will have given them a bit of a jolt and hopefully they'll be more careful/respectful. I don't think I could tell the agency. People have different ways of coping with stuff, it's just unfortunate Mary was identifiable.

I most definitely wouldn't tell Mary, there's nothing to be gained there.

Qilin · 14/07/2023 12:17

Mumtothreegirlies · 14/07/2023 11:45

Maybe you could offer some help to Mary perhaps pop in and change her in the morning and before bed.

Isn't that what the caters ar being paid to do?

The op doesn't need to be doing their job for them, for free, just so they don't publicly humiliate their client for all to hear! They should be doing the job they are laid to do and know never to speak in such ways about their clients in a public space.

Jibo · 14/07/2023 12:17

Don't tell Mary, although she is probably aware of her carer's disrespect and disgust, I'd hate to think what happens behind closed doors.
Do tell her family/whoever arranges her care if you know them.
Do tell the agency, insist on speaking to the boss and kick up a major fuss about their employee abusing you and breaking patient confidentiality while sitting in their branded vehicle.
Do tell the relevant regulator - should be on the agency's website. It's a data breach.

What a disgusting woman that carer is, I hope she never works in care again.

tweener · 14/07/2023 12:18

Jongleterre · 14/07/2023 11:32

Could you do their job?

I couldn't.

It's light relief banter between colleagues.

It's not light relief though is it? It's publicly discussing a service user in a derogatory manner. Mary is still entitled to dignity and privacy.

MissHoollie · 14/07/2023 12:18

Chances are she may have been on the phone to her boss
Sadly this is probably how they deal with a crap job. Not condoning it at all it's awful but I do t think you will achieve anything by reporting

Atethehalloweenchocs · 14/07/2023 12:19

*Could you do their job?

I couldn't.

It's light relief banter between colleagues.*

Jesus Christ, are you kidding? This is not light relief banter, it is horrible, mean spirited and a breach of confidentiality. I used to work in hospitals where we would do all kinds of things most people would prefer not to - but our banter was never disparaging the patients, or something they couldn't overhear and find funny. We would never dream of talking about a patient in this way. If people feel that being so horrible about the poor woman in this position is funny, there is a serious empathy gap.

OP, I would absolutely report it to the company and to the statutory agency. It is beyond disgusting and that woman and her friend on the phone should be out of there immediately.

Barold · 14/07/2023 12:19

I don’t even know Mary and I’m really angry and a bit upset at this.

If I heard someone talking about my mum like that, I’d lose the plot. I would hope others would stick up for her privacy and dignity too.

Aside from being rude to you (which in itself I would let go), the fact she was unabashed when you told her people who knew Mary could overhear makes the one in the car extra cunty.

Please report them. If they lose their jobs, fuck them, frankly.

lapochette · 14/07/2023 12:20

I would report them. I know it's not an easy job they do and they will have to offload on each other. However, it's very disrespectful to do it so loudly in public and the carer was also disrespectful to you when you approached her. If they are like this in public then I'm not overly confident as to how well they treat their clients in private. My late DM had carers and the good carers would never have spoken about their clients like this.

BringMeTea · 14/07/2023 12:20

I would report them. I think not reporting is much worse.

x2boys · 14/07/2023 12:20

SophiaElise · 14/07/2023 11:24

Let's say you tell the agency, the carers quit or get sacked, no-one wants the job and Mary has to go into a home. And dies shortly afterwards.

Or... you just get on with your day and life carries on as normal.

Lets say it was you mother they were talking and laughing about ?

Arewehumanorarewecupboards · 14/07/2023 12:20

Boudiccabitesback · 14/07/2023 12:16

Hi @User5653218 .
I commend you for sticking up for Mary. Everyone needs a friend like you 🌺
If you make a detailed complaint about these people to the company they work for, I don't see how or why Mary would be informed about the incident let alone your name? I might be wrong though 🤷🏻‍♀️
You don't need to give your full name or address in an email, you can even make a new email address purely for this?
Once you have made the complaint would the company be obliged to share any further information with you? Maybe not.
I think the company has a right to know who they're employing and the clients have a right to anonymity and above all dignity 🌺

In the NHS Mary would rightfully be made aware that an incident has occurred.

NotOnYourNellies · 14/07/2023 12:21

MammaYamada · 14/07/2023 12:16

I think it's enough you had a word, it will have given them a bit of a jolt and hopefully they'll be more careful/respectful. I don't think I could tell the agency. People have different ways of coping with stuff, it's just unfortunate Mary was identifiable.

I most definitely wouldn't tell Mary, there's nothing to be gained there.

Did you miss the bit where they told @User5653218 to Fuck off ?
No jolt then....

Aarghisitbedtimeyet · 14/07/2023 12:21

Absolutely tell the agency. These people should not be working with vulnerable elderly. If this is their attitude I wouldn’t want them anywhere near relatives of mine. I’ve worked in elderly care in similar roles and would never talk like that about any patients and neither would any of the good carers or nurses I worked with (and I would’ve reported them if they did!)

Arewehumanorarewecupboards · 14/07/2023 12:21

MammaYamada · 14/07/2023 12:16

I think it's enough you had a word, it will have given them a bit of a jolt and hopefully they'll be more careful/respectful. I don't think I could tell the agency. People have different ways of coping with stuff, it's just unfortunate Mary was identifiable.

I most definitely wouldn't tell Mary, there's nothing to be gained there.

Nothing to be gained?

What about training?

Mirabai · 14/07/2023 12:21

Mary is not going to find out, the report to the care agency will be done in confidence. The agency need to know, the staff will most likely a reprimand and extra training.

Elphame · 14/07/2023 12:22

I would absolutely report them to their employer.

I'd be devastated if it was one of my relations that was being laughed at and discussed in public like that

susiesusiesuu · 14/07/2023 12:22

AxolotlOnions · 14/07/2023 11:31

I would report it. The woman had the opportunity to apologise, explain she didn't realise the conversation could be heard and take on board what you had said but she chose to be abusive instead, totally her own fault.

Absolutely this!

LakeTiticaca · 14/07/2023 12:22

OP you said you didn't want to get them into trouble. Yet you want to report them.
Being a carer is a tough low paid job. I know because I did it myself for years.
Always respectful to the clients but tbh a bit of dark humour gets you through.
Hopefully they will think twice before talking loudly in a public place where they can be heard

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