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Original poster

Overheard something quite personal

990 replies

User5653218 · 14/07/2023 11:20

I was walking along the road and I could hear someone in a parked car having a chat on a hands free speaker. She had all her windows open and the speaker was really loud.

She was a carer for a care company, logo on the car. I couldn't really make out what the person in the car was saying but the person on the speakerphone could be heard clear as day by anyone nearby. They were obviously discussing the clients they had visited this morning and the speakerphone person said "when I went into Mary at number 14 this morning she had shat herself in her chair again" then they both started laughing.

Mary is not her real name, it is a very distinctive name, so I knew straight away who they were talking about. She's an elderly lady I know quite well. She would be mortified if she knew anyone walking past that car at that time knew that about her. And the car was parked just round the corner from her house so there's a good chance that anyone walking past might work out who they were talking about.

I stopped at the car and said "excuse me, I could hear really clearly what was being said on your speaker, I know the person you are laughing about."

The woman said "oh ffs, we're just having a laugh. Do you fancy wiping old women's bums after they've been sat in their own shit for god knows how long?"

And I said "No I wouldn't, I'm glad you're able to do it, but maybe you could just close your window or not use your speaker, then no-one would hear you"

She said "oh fuck off".

So I left.

Should I report them to their agency? I don't want to get them in trouble, they do do a job many people couldn't, but I know Mary would be devastated if she knew I'd heard that. I'm so angry for her. She's such a lovely lady, she tries so hard to keep her independence and dignity despite all her health problems.

I toyed with telling her, but it would just upset her and I'm not sure how easy it would be for her to find alternative care anyway, there's not much to choose from round our way. And I don't know if she would then be too embarrassed to speak to me. She doesn't have family, if she had a son or daughter I might have spoken to them.

But it makes me so angry that these women were laughing about her and that they will still be doing her personal care. Am I over-reacting? Were they just letting off steam after their early morning shift? It is a tough job, I have no doubt it's not fun to start your day with that. But that is their job and their clients can't help it. I'm sure they don't want to be like this either.

What would you do? I'm thinking I'll tell the agency but not Mary. Or is it enough that I spoke to the person in the car and maybe they'll think about it in future, even if they were rude to me at the time?

I guess I could do a semi-anonymous report where I just say that I overheard some chat in a car and could they please remind their staff to be discreet when having conversations in a public place, rather than give details?

OP posts:
Greenbirdgreengrass · 14/07/2023 11:50

JeandeServiette · 14/07/2023 11:48

I think I'll go with an email saying I overheard a conversation rather than go into specifics. If they come back and ask for more details then I'll think about what more to say.

(Or is that a bit of a cop out?)

Honesty, I think you need to be specific. Otherwise how will you fully convey the inappropriateness of it?

If it was my mum, I would want that fully reported.

I agree.

JeandeServiette · 14/07/2023 11:50

Mumtothreegirlies · 14/07/2023 11:45

Maybe you could offer some help to Mary perhaps pop in and change her in the morning and before bed.

Seriously? Nobody can care about the quality of care our elders get unless they become caters themselves?

That one of the post pathetic retorts I've read on here for a while. Really unpleasant.

ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 14/07/2023 11:50

I worked in care for quite a few years. Please report this. I would have when I worked in care and I still would now. I have no time for carers who don't actually care. If they can talk like that away from the service user, the chances are they treat the person with such disrespect in person.

SBHon · 14/07/2023 11:50

Mumtothreegirlies · 14/07/2023 11:45

Maybe you could offer some help to Mary perhaps pop in and change her in the morning and before bed.

This is such a ridiculous suggestion for at least two reasons;

  1. the OP’s already said Mary is tries so hard to keep her dignity so she’d probably prefer someone who’s job it is to help her rather than someone she ‘knows’ iyswim. And 2) The OP isn’t (I assume) trained in safe handling or dealing with hazards and contaminates, or insured, so she’d be putting both herself and Mary at risk.
JeandeServiette · 14/07/2023 11:51

MumblesParty · 14/07/2023 11:49

I’d be inclined to email the company, not give any details, but say that you overheard a conversation between 2 of their staff, in which they talked audibly about named clients. I would say that you don’t want to name individuals or give details, but you would like the manager to remind staff that they should make sure that all conversations about clients are not heard by anyone else.

That doesn't even begin to explain how bad it was.

verdantverdure · 14/07/2023 11:52

Can you report to CQC?

It’s basic safeguarding.

I have no problem with colleagues venting to each other but in public for all to hear is just not on.

Appleass · 14/07/2023 11:52

Philosopherstone · 14/07/2023 11:24

This!!!

Show quote history

No way, this nasty piece of work doesn't deserve to be working with vulnerable people. Report her to the company, we all have a moral responsibility to protect the vulnerable as we are just as guilty as those abusing them.

cptartapp · 14/07/2023 11:53

Mumtothreegirlies · 14/07/2023 11:45

Maybe you could offer some help to Mary perhaps pop in and change her in the morning and before bed.

Ridiculous.

cittigirl · 14/07/2023 11:53

Absolutely tell the agency and the make of their car if you saw it. That's terrible behaviour and a breach of confidentiality. Yes it is a tough job but they have shown no care or respect to Mary. 😞

SBHon · 14/07/2023 11:54

Clutchy · 14/07/2023 11:42

We need to stop treating those in caring positions like some kind of selfless angels. Getting paid a tenner an hour to wipe shit isn’t done for philanthropic reasons.

It’s tough work physically and mentally, massively underpaid, and I can see why somebody would have to let off steam. Shame she did it in such a manner, but I wouldn’t report her.

So you’d be ok with someone publicly airing about the fact you shat yourself to your neighbours if it was you?

Incredibly tough work but that doesn’t mean you lose the ability to have empathy and respect.

TheOrigRights · 14/07/2023 11:54

Yes I would report to the agency.
Those of you saying not to, consider how you would feel if your mother was Mary and 1/2 the village were privy to her most private matters, AND being laughed about.

Similar happened to me, I overheard a carer slagging off my friend who was terminally ill with a brain tumour. I understand that people who do challenging jobs need to talk about them and that humour or a good old bitch can help, but not in public.

7eleven · 14/07/2023 11:54

SBHon · 14/07/2023 11:50

This is such a ridiculous suggestion for at least two reasons;

  1. the OP’s already said Mary is tries so hard to keep her dignity so she’d probably prefer someone who’s job it is to help her rather than someone she ‘knows’ iyswim. And 2) The OP isn’t (I assume) trained in safe handling or dealing with hazards and contaminates, or insured, so she’d be putting both herself and Mary at risk.
Show quote history

3rd reason - posters who flame in this way are just twats and should be ignored.

CascaChan · 14/07/2023 11:55

Report her.

Mrsjayy · 14/07/2023 11:56

I have reported similar was a speaker phone convo about a neighbour who had dementia, the total disregard for a person's privacy and dignity was outstanding. I emailed the company and couldn't care less about the carer!

Op don't tell Mary though contact the company.

I appreciate carers have a difficult job but don't go into care work if you can't keep details private .

luladebulachops · 14/07/2023 11:57

Definitely report. Patient confidentiality is paramount. We all wish to be treated with respect and dignity especially when we are at our most vulnerable.
This situation could easily have been avoided if they spoke on their phones without the speaker on for all to hear.

The response to you was also totally unacceptable.

How do they treat poor Mary when they are actually attending to her needs?

Original poster
User5653218 · 14/07/2023 11:57

Man, I really don't know what to do. I drafted out an email with the bare bones but not naming any names (I don't know the names of the carers but if I give the name of the client they'll work it out easily enough).

I don't want someone on minimum wage doing a stressful and unpleasant job to get sacked for letting off steam after a tricky start to their shift.

But their behaviour was just not okay.

I'm going to go and knock on Mary's door this afternoon and see how she is, maybe make her a cup of tea and try to ask how she's getting on with her carers.

I suspect that if I do that, if I see her face to face, I'll feel even more angry and rewrite my email with more specifics then send it.

OP posts:
PrimalOwl10 · 14/07/2023 11:57

Where is the dignity for Mary. They can get more caring people in who would care for her with the respect and manner she rightly deserves please report them. My df has terminal cancer who has carers coming in we had a few dodgy carers one refusing to help him shower, one male carer who was falling all over the place and smelt like he was drunk. We refused the carer. Some care company's will employ anyone.

krustykittens · 14/07/2023 11:57

That 'carer' showed themselves, in a very short space of time, to have no empathy, no respect, and to be aggressive and verbally abusive. Report them, OP, I hope she loses her job. She really shouldn't be doing it in the first place!

MrsU2022 · 14/07/2023 11:58

Definitely report to the company. Judging by the carers response to you I doubt she took your comments on board! I certainly wouldn't want someone like that 'caring' for my loved one. We all have challenges at work, but doesn't excuse having no respect or compassion for others, especially in a caring role.

Waterfallgirl · 14/07/2023 11:58

euff · 14/07/2023 11:31

Don't tell the agency please tell adult social care in writing, you can do it anonymously. Mary won't be in a care home because one or two carers is no longer working for that agency and even if that were the case it may not be worse than being at home with maybe only this kind of person entering the home to do personal care.

You seem like a decent person and I think if you don't do anything it will eat at you. Only a uncaring piece of work could forget about it easily.

This

NotOnYourNellies · 14/07/2023 11:58

@User5653218 be an advocate for Mary and all the other Mary's out there
Ring the agency and make a formal complaint, those people are not fit to lick Mary's boots and should not be in that profession
Fucking disgraceful

SirVixofVixHall · 14/07/2023 11:58

Jifmicroliquid · 14/07/2023 11:34

No doubt some carers talk like this with their colleague, but I’d hope it would be behind closed doors and not taken ‘out of the office’, so to speak. The fact she did it for everyone to hear and then actually told you to F off, I would report her to her care company. If she loses her job, then maybe she should have a little think about professional conduct.

This.
I feel so sorry for poor Mary.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 14/07/2023 11:58

Let's say you tell the agency, the carers quit or get sacked, no-one wants the job and Mary has to go into a home. And dies shortly afterwards.

Let's say you tell the agency, the carers quit or get sacked, no-one wants the job and Mary has to go into a home and is treated with more dignity and respect than is currently being shown. And Mary is happy.

Let's say you tell the agency, the carers quit or get sacked, Mary gets another carer who treats her with dignity and respect.

Both, like the one above, hypothetical scenarios. The trouble with the one above is that Mary continues to be treated disrespectfully and unkindly, but hey, at least the carer gets to keep her job. Who cares about Mary and her dignity, she's old, after all.

loveandpoprockz · 14/07/2023 11:59

Definitely report them. If they talk so disgustingly about the vulnerable people they care for it makes you wonder how they treat them behind closed doors. We all get old and end up like Mary. Hearing stuff like this fills me with dread.

skilpadde · 14/07/2023 11:59

You should report it properly, in writing and in detail. This allows the agency to investigate it and take appropriate action.

Doing some wishy washy thing of vaguely reporting an "overheard conversation" or asking them to remind staff to be discreet is worse than useless, because there's very little the agency can do with it.

So report it properly, or do nothing.