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Original poster

Overheard something quite personal

990 replies

User5653218 · 14/07/2023 11:20

I was walking along the road and I could hear someone in a parked car having a chat on a hands free speaker. She had all her windows open and the speaker was really loud.

She was a carer for a care company, logo on the car. I couldn't really make out what the person in the car was saying but the person on the speakerphone could be heard clear as day by anyone nearby. They were obviously discussing the clients they had visited this morning and the speakerphone person said "when I went into Mary at number 14 this morning she had shat herself in her chair again" then they both started laughing.

Mary is not her real name, it is a very distinctive name, so I knew straight away who they were talking about. She's an elderly lady I know quite well. She would be mortified if she knew anyone walking past that car at that time knew that about her. And the car was parked just round the corner from her house so there's a good chance that anyone walking past might work out who they were talking about.

I stopped at the car and said "excuse me, I could hear really clearly what was being said on your speaker, I know the person you are laughing about."

The woman said "oh ffs, we're just having a laugh. Do you fancy wiping old women's bums after they've been sat in their own shit for god knows how long?"

And I said "No I wouldn't, I'm glad you're able to do it, but maybe you could just close your window or not use your speaker, then no-one would hear you"

She said "oh fuck off".

So I left.

Should I report them to their agency? I don't want to get them in trouble, they do do a job many people couldn't, but I know Mary would be devastated if she knew I'd heard that. I'm so angry for her. She's such a lovely lady, she tries so hard to keep her independence and dignity despite all her health problems.

I toyed with telling her, but it would just upset her and I'm not sure how easy it would be for her to find alternative care anyway, there's not much to choose from round our way. And I don't know if she would then be too embarrassed to speak to me. She doesn't have family, if she had a son or daughter I might have spoken to them.

But it makes me so angry that these women were laughing about her and that they will still be doing her personal care. Am I over-reacting? Were they just letting off steam after their early morning shift? It is a tough job, I have no doubt it's not fun to start your day with that. But that is their job and their clients can't help it. I'm sure they don't want to be like this either.

What would you do? I'm thinking I'll tell the agency but not Mary. Or is it enough that I spoke to the person in the car and maybe they'll think about it in future, even if they were rude to me at the time?

I guess I could do a semi-anonymous report where I just say that I overheard some chat in a car and could they please remind their staff to be discreet when having conversations in a public place, rather than give details?

OP posts:
tunbridgeoutrage · 14/07/2023 12:24

Don't report them. They have done nothing wrong. They cleaned her bum, and they probably did it really well and were kind to her.

Every job has its own private language. We all need to let off steam. Teachers privately joke about their students' behaviour, doctors joke about not killing too many patients during the week etc.

They might not even have been laughing about her. They might have been laughing about the fact that they have to undertake such a task. She was right to ask you if you wanted to clean elderly people's bums. I cleaned my parents' bums, but I loved them. I can't imagine what it's like to do that for people who aren't related to you. We should be proud of them for doing the job.

You shouldn't have reprimanded the woman. You should have just told her that you could hear her and that she should just be more discrete.

12RedRoses · 14/07/2023 12:24

Don’t tell Mary but report it. It was more their reaction to you than what they said. This was their reaction when sitting in an identifiable car and public. People do worse in private.

CommaChameleon7 · 14/07/2023 12:24

100% tell the company.
Maintaining dignity and respect is absolutely essential for Mary in this case.
I'm disgusted that the carer was laughing and speaking about her to a colleague.

JenWillsiam · 14/07/2023 12:24

SophiaElise · 14/07/2023 11:24

Let's say you tell the agency, the carers quit or get sacked, no-one wants the job and Mary has to go into a home. And dies shortly afterwards.

Or... you just get on with your day and life carries on as normal.

oh that’s definitely the right attitude when care givers are treating people like shit. Let them get away with it in case there’s no one else. Wow.

mangochops · 14/07/2023 12:27

Tell the agency. I dont agree with telling adult social care because that means the agency hasnt been given a chance to do something about it first. IF it continued then, by all means. Carer wouldnt be sacked, they'd get a warning if their work with the client was otherwise good.

Takeovermylife · 14/07/2023 12:27

You should here how us nursery workers talk about parents and some children...

Its just stress relief banter with someone that will understand what you arebgoing through. They don't mean it.

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 14/07/2023 12:27

Someday we will all become the elderly lady doing herself in a chair.

The company have a duty of care and Mary has a right to privacy and dignity.

The "carer" sounds completely unsuitable for the role. She's also damaging the company brand.

I would totally email it, especially the fact she told you to fuck off. If she was a decent person, she would have been mortified and apologetic.

I would end the email by saying I specifically request that my name or the incident is not shared with Mary given the embarrassment & stress it will cause her. However, I needed to report this in good conscious and assume that the matter will be dealt with accordingly.

x2boys · 14/07/2023 12:28

Jongleterre · 14/07/2023 11:32

Could you do their job?

I couldn't.

It's light relief banter between colleagues.

Yes I worked in dementia care for many years
And somehow I managed not to be disrespectful to the patients i was caring for
I.now have a severely disabled child I hope the staff who help.him with personal.care at his special school treat him with dignity and respect .

Boudiccabitesback · 14/07/2023 12:28

Thank you for that @Arewehumanorarewecupboards 🌺 (fab name btw 😊)

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 14/07/2023 12:28

Hopefully they will think twice before talking loudly in a public place where they can be heard

And if they don't? if they carry on breaching their clients' privacy in a gross and disrespectful way, what then?

If she talks about Mary this way I'd be somewhat worried about how she treats Mary, as well.

CommaChameleon7 · 14/07/2023 12:29

@tunbridgeoutrage sorry I disagree! Healthcare worker here with 20+ years experience. There's more to the role than "cleaning bums" As I've already said protecting and promoting dignity and respect for clients is as important as undertaking personal care.

And to laugh about the situation using foul language with a colleague in earshot of the general public - abhorrent.

Furthermore, telling OP to fuck off hardly covers the carer in glory. As others have said god only knows how Mary is treated and spoke to in her own home by someone who is supposed to care for her.

If someone spoke about any patient using language like that with such a crappy attitude they are in the wrong job

Humidititties · 14/07/2023 12:29

I couldn't imagine having a conversation and laughing about someone shitting themselves in the first place, how is that even remotely funny. These people are supposed to be carers FFS, they don't very caring at all.

tunbridgeoutrage · 14/07/2023 12:29

Mumtothreegirlies · 14/07/2023 11:45

Maybe you could offer some help to Mary perhaps pop in and change her in the morning and before bed.

That would be better than wasting time reporting the carers who, by your own admission, are very kind to Mary.

x2boys · 14/07/2023 12:30

Takeovermylife · 14/07/2023 12:27

You should here how us nursery workers talk about parents and some children...

Its just stress relief banter with someone that will understand what you arebgoing through. They don't mean it.

Than you should be ashamed of yourself
Do you talk about the children you care for loudly ,disrespectfully, in the street for all.to.hear?

OrlandointheWilderness · 14/07/2023 12:30

Sound a hard job for crap pay does not give you an excuse to be so disrespectful about your clients. I've done this - I'm a student nurse, and never, ever have I found the urge to be vile about vulnerable people.
This isn't letting off steam, or black humour, it is completely disrespectful. I would report to the company.

Banjaxx · 14/07/2023 12:30

In your shoes I’d absolutley report them to the company.

for starters it’s bad enough that they were speaking so poorly of the lady, yes I understand blowing off steam but it’s just so bloody horrible to laughing at her discomfort and embarrassment without any sympathy or empathy

Secondly that they were so utterly indiscreet about it in a lace so close to her home that she was easily recognisable by anyone that might overhear… like you did! So it’s not even hypothetical ‘what if..’

but most importantly for me, the fact that she was verbally abusive to you when confronted. That in itself is indicative of the type of personality who will lash out in anger if crossed… not the type of person you would want to be ‘cared’ for when venerable. I know you said the lady speaks highly of them herself but maybe she’s just doesn’t feel like she has any other option than to be grateful for shit care because she has no other options and is selling herself the lie that they’re good to get to make herself feel better.

they’re horrible people and shouldn’t be allowed to get away with it.

im genuinely shocked how many posters are saying let it lie, I sure as hell wouldn’t be happy if I knew a relative was being treated like this and that someone had an inkling and kept quiet… what if it escalates? It’s just such an ‘I’m alright jack attitude’, we all have a responsibility to uphold basic standards of respect in our own society…

i can understand why you feel the way you do but your sympathy towards the workers is misplaced, it’s the vulnerable elderly lady who relies on their care who your sympathies should lie with over above any repercussions the cares may recieve.

MammaYamada · 14/07/2023 12:30

I meant nothing to be gained by telling Mary. There is a case for telling the agency and improving training, but I personally wouldn't.

x2boys · 14/07/2023 12:31

tunbridgeoutrage · 14/07/2023 12:29

That would be better than wasting time reporting the carers who, by your own admission, are very kind to Mary.

Show quote history

You realise the Carers get PAID for doing a job ??

Purplecatshopaholic · 14/07/2023 12:31

I worked with a local authority, and we would absolutely want to know if one of our carers spoke like that about a client. The likely outcome would be retraining, and maybe a disciplinary sanction, not dismissal unless a repeat offence. That level of disrespect for elderly clients is not acceptable. What if that were your mum or dad?

Allwelcone · 14/07/2023 12:31

Don't report her op I'm sure she will close the window next time. Care agencies can be awful employers.

Please mind yr own business on this one and let it slide.

JeandeServiette · 14/07/2023 12:32

Purplecatshopaholic · 14/07/2023 12:31

I worked with a local authority, and we would absolutely want to know if one of our carers spoke like that about a client. The likely outcome would be retraining, and maybe a disciplinary sanction, not dismissal unless a repeat offence. That level of disrespect for elderly clients is not acceptable. What if that were your mum or dad?

I'm so glad you're here to give a RL professional take on it.

Magnoliainbloom · 14/07/2023 12:33

Gosh how upsetting to read. Yes, do tell the cater and give them he’ll, threaten to report to CQC.

NotAllPets · 14/07/2023 12:33

SophiaElise · 14/07/2023 11:24

Let's say you tell the agency, the carers quit or get sacked, no-one wants the job and Mary has to go into a home. And dies shortly afterwards.

Or... you just get on with your day and life carries on as normal.

What?! This is bonkers supposition! 😂

HelpMebeok · 14/07/2023 12:33

I would report this. If she had said oh sorry that was inappropriate when you challenged her that would be one thing but the way she dealt with it was shocking

Mariposista · 14/07/2023 12:33

Report her. Poor poor Mary.
My gran had carers when she was on EOL care at home and they were the most lovely, kind and respectful girls we could have wished for. They even came to her funeral.
She should not be using bad language while in uniform with a member of the public, nor discussing a client in this way in clear earshot of others.