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Original poster

Overheard something quite personal

990 replies

User5653218 · 14/07/2023 11:20

I was walking along the road and I could hear someone in a parked car having a chat on a hands free speaker. She had all her windows open and the speaker was really loud.

She was a carer for a care company, logo on the car. I couldn't really make out what the person in the car was saying but the person on the speakerphone could be heard clear as day by anyone nearby. They were obviously discussing the clients they had visited this morning and the speakerphone person said "when I went into Mary at number 14 this morning she had shat herself in her chair again" then they both started laughing.

Mary is not her real name, it is a very distinctive name, so I knew straight away who they were talking about. She's an elderly lady I know quite well. She would be mortified if she knew anyone walking past that car at that time knew that about her. And the car was parked just round the corner from her house so there's a good chance that anyone walking past might work out who they were talking about.

I stopped at the car and said "excuse me, I could hear really clearly what was being said on your speaker, I know the person you are laughing about."

The woman said "oh ffs, we're just having a laugh. Do you fancy wiping old women's bums after they've been sat in their own shit for god knows how long?"

And I said "No I wouldn't, I'm glad you're able to do it, but maybe you could just close your window or not use your speaker, then no-one would hear you"

She said "oh fuck off".

So I left.

Should I report them to their agency? I don't want to get them in trouble, they do do a job many people couldn't, but I know Mary would be devastated if she knew I'd heard that. I'm so angry for her. She's such a lovely lady, she tries so hard to keep her independence and dignity despite all her health problems.

I toyed with telling her, but it would just upset her and I'm not sure how easy it would be for her to find alternative care anyway, there's not much to choose from round our way. And I don't know if she would then be too embarrassed to speak to me. She doesn't have family, if she had a son or daughter I might have spoken to them.

But it makes me so angry that these women were laughing about her and that they will still be doing her personal care. Am I over-reacting? Were they just letting off steam after their early morning shift? It is a tough job, I have no doubt it's not fun to start your day with that. But that is their job and their clients can't help it. I'm sure they don't want to be like this either.

What would you do? I'm thinking I'll tell the agency but not Mary. Or is it enough that I spoke to the person in the car and maybe they'll think about it in future, even if they were rude to me at the time?

I guess I could do a semi-anonymous report where I just say that I overheard some chat in a car and could they please remind their staff to be discreet when having conversations in a public place, rather than give details?

OP posts:
Grimchmas · 14/07/2023 11:37

@Jongleterre when they "light relief banter" behind closed doors, that's one (bad taste) thing.

When they do it within hearing distance of strangers in the street who can identify the person they are talking about, that's another thing.

FatAgainItsLettuceTime · 14/07/2023 11:37

SophiaElise · 14/07/2023 11:24

Let's say you tell the agency, the carers quit or get sacked, no-one wants the job and Mary has to go into a home. And dies shortly afterwards.

Or... you just get on with your day and life carries on as normal.

Or as is the more likely option, the carer gets a bit of a telling off and that's about it.

Or worst case scenario is sacked and someone else does the job or the career gets reallocated to a different patient.

Jumping straight to ..... and Mary dies is a real leap.

TwoBigNoisyBoys · 14/07/2023 11:37

Absolutely report this to the agency, this breaches every rule regarding confidentiality. Disgusting of her to behave like that!

Bonbon21 · 14/07/2023 11:37

There are lots of jobs where the staff use black humour as a means to release the pressures and /or mundanety of the job.. but that should be done in private. These carers were completely out of order to have such a conversation where they could be overheard.
The privacy and dignity of clients should be paramount.
I would report them to their agency.
Say nothing to Mary.

DRS1970 · 14/07/2023 11:38

They need to get in trouble for that type of behaviour. Report them!

HallieHufflepuff · 14/07/2023 11:38

I would definitely tell the care company and give specific details. That staff member needs some training on how to be a decent human being.

JeandeServiette · 14/07/2023 11:39

SophiaElise · 14/07/2023 11:24

Let's say you tell the agency, the carers quit or get sacked, no-one wants the job and Mary has to go into a home. And dies shortly afterwards.

Or... you just get on with your day and life carries on as normal.

Great. Let's twist ourselves in knots to justify disrespectful "care" of the elderly.

Original poster
User5653218 · 14/07/2023 11:40

AxolotlOnions · 14/07/2023 11:31

I would report it. The woman had the opportunity to apologise, explain she didn't realise the conversation could be heard and take on board what you had said but she chose to be abusive instead, totally her own fault.

Yeah, I think that's the crux of it really. If she'd apologised and said she hadn't realised anyone could hear her I might have felt differently.

I believe they are kind to Mary when they're caring for her, she certainly speaks very highly of them. I don't know the actual women this morning but it seems to be a team of carers who cover the area between them, both women definitely seemed to know who Mary was.

I think I'll go with an email saying I overheard a conversation rather than go into specifics. If they come back and ask for more details then I'll think about what more to say.

(Or is that a bit of a cop out?)

OP posts:
robinsnest1967 · 14/07/2023 11:40

100% report it. I'm a carer and I love all my clients - I could never talk in such a derogatory tone. They shouldn't be doing that job if they don't realise how privileged they are to care for someone in their golden years. I feel lucky that I am trusted and respected to look after someone's mum in that way.

Showthemwhoyoucalldaddy · 14/07/2023 11:41

That's awful, so disrespectful of them. I work in a care environment and that would be a disciplinary matter.

MaryJean87 · 14/07/2023 11:42

Jongleterre · 14/07/2023 11:32

Could you do their job?

I couldn't.

It's light relief banter between colleagues.

I think there's a difference between light banter and plain nastiness at the expense of a vulnerable person who's relying on these people. There are plenty of people looking for work who are more suitable for this type of care work than this individual.

Clutchy · 14/07/2023 11:42

We need to stop treating those in caring positions like some kind of selfless angels. Getting paid a tenner an hour to wipe shit isn’t done for philanthropic reasons.

It’s tough work physically and mentally, massively underpaid, and I can see why somebody would have to let off steam. Shame she did it in such a manner, but I wouldn’t report her.

Greenbirdgreengrass · 14/07/2023 11:42

I would tell the agency and I would tell the care inspectorate too. That’s a disgusting violation of that lady’s dignity and privacy.

Also disgusted by the first posters who think people who need care should accept it from anyone no matter what contempt they are treated with.

It doesn’t seem likely that worker treats Mary with much respect or dignity when she is with her if that is how she spoke about her and to you.

Fridayfreddie · 14/07/2023 11:44

Jongleterre · 14/07/2023 11:32

Could you do their job?

I couldn't.

It's light relief banter between colleagues.

I have done this job and not once did I make fun one of my customers issues to anyone. I felt empathy that it could be my parents/me one day and treated them with the dignity they deserved.

pjani · 14/07/2023 11:44

Definitely report!

These people don't sound like they have the compassion to work in care. Imagine it was your mum they were talking about like that?

There are plenty of jobs out there they might be better suited to. There is definitely 'black humour' in the caring professions but it's wildly unprofessional to do it on the street using a name. And if someone did that as a massive mistake, I would expect absolute guilt and shame to be the response.

Mumtothreegirlies · 14/07/2023 11:45

Maybe you could offer some help to Mary perhaps pop in and change her in the morning and before bed.

LateMumma · 14/07/2023 11:45

One day this might be you or me, any one of us. I'd want to know that the staff caring for me had been trained and were accountable. Please report to the agency and CQC, I'd be concerned that if this is acceptable between colleagues that it indicates there's a wider problem.

1987syderrs · 14/07/2023 11:47

Definitely report to the agency. This so called carer is in the wrong job and I absolutely hate to think how she treats her vulnerable clients behind closed doors.
I am a Registered Nurse and work in a care home . Our residents get amazing care and are respected at all times ,anyone working in the home who spoke like that about any of the residents would be disciplined.
Do not tell Mary but maybe speak to her family so they are aware of the situation!

JeandeServiette · 14/07/2023 11:48

I think I'll go with an email saying I overheard a conversation rather than go into specifics. If they come back and ask for more details then I'll think about what more to say.

(Or is that a bit of a cop out?)

Honesty, I think you need to be specific. Otherwise how will you fully convey the inappropriateness of it?

If it was my mum, I would want that fully reported.

7eleven · 14/07/2023 11:48

I think that would be a cop out, OP, because the woman’s reaction after you spoke to her speaks volumes for her attitude and is very valid information.

Report the entire incident.

Lwrenagain · 14/07/2023 11:48

This is absolutely fucking grim. Sorry you witnessed this and well done for saying something.

I'm so sorry for Mary. At a time in her life she needs care and compassion, she's being mocked. Just awful.

I've worked in care since I was 16 and it's actually quite rare I've heard people behave like that.
I'd say something, what she's done is abusive.

The whole argument about carers being paid shitty wages doesn't mean they can be vile to their service users.
Doesn't mean they can be unprofessional, doesn't mean our clients should experience abuse, which I'd class mocking her as.

No person deserves to be so humiliated and also who the hell is she telling you to fuck off? CF.

Always amazes me these carers who behave this way, they're completely oblivious to "this may be me one day".
Absolute disgraceful behaviour.

Unfortunately it's easier to get a job as a carer than in a supermarket or anywhere else. The vulnerable are under the radar.

Feelingcrazy123 · 14/07/2023 11:48

They are breaching patient confidentiality.

they way they spoke about that lady is disgusting and they should not be working in care if that is the way they speak about their patients/clients.

I would report her to the company. If she looses her job that’s her problem. She needs to learn to treat people with dignity and respect - a key element to working in care

Greenbirdgreengrass · 14/07/2023 11:48

Clutchy · 14/07/2023 11:42

We need to stop treating those in caring positions like some kind of selfless angels. Getting paid a tenner an hour to wipe shit isn’t done for philanthropic reasons.

It’s tough work physically and mentally, massively underpaid, and I can see why somebody would have to let off steam. Shame she did it in such a manner, but I wouldn’t report her.

Expecting someone not to laugh in public, using their name, about someone’s faecal incontinence is not expecting them to be angels. That’s really basic stuff about privacy and decency.

We should be paying carer’s far more though. It is an extremely tough, and often unpleasant job.

Elsiebear90 · 14/07/2023 11:49

They will probably be sacked if you report tbh, it’s a breach of confidentiality and that is taken very seriously. I don’t know if I would report them if Mary seems very happy with the care. Some people need to vent and make humour out of difficult aspects of their jobs because their jobs are very very hard, I work in healthcare and it’s quite common, but doing so with the window open on speaker phone is terrible. I would hope her reaction was just her being defensive and she would learn from the mistake.

MumblesParty · 14/07/2023 11:49

I’d be inclined to email the company, not give any details, but say that you overheard a conversation between 2 of their staff, in which they talked audibly about named clients. I would say that you don’t want to name individuals or give details, but you would like the manager to remind staff that they should make sure that all conversations about clients are not heard by anyone else.

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