Overheard something quite personal

[User5653218]

I was walking along the road and I could hear someone in a parked car having a chat on a hands free speaker. She had all her windows open and the speaker was really loud.

She was a carer for a care company, logo on the car. I couldn't really make out what the person in the car was saying but the person on the speakerphone could be heard clear as day by anyone nearby. They were obviously discussing the clients they had visited this morning and the speakerphone person said "when I went into Mary at number 14 this morning she had shat herself in her chair again" then they both started laughing.

Mary is not her real name, it is a very distinctive name, so I knew straight away who they were talking about. She's an elderly lady I know quite well. She would be mortified if she knew anyone walking past that car at that time knew that about her. And the car was parked just round the corner from her house so there's a good chance that anyone walking past might work out who they were talking about.

I stopped at the car and said "excuse me, I could hear really clearly what was being said on your speaker, I know the person you are laughing about."

The woman said "oh ffs, we're just having a laugh. Do you fancy wiping old women's bums after they've been sat in their own shit for god knows how long?"

And I said "No I wouldn't, I'm glad you're able to do it, but maybe you could just close your window or not use your speaker, then no-one would hear you"

She said "oh fuck off".

So I left.

Should I report them to their agency? I don't want to get them in trouble, they do do a job many people couldn't, but I know Mary would be devastated if she knew I'd heard that. I'm so angry for her. She's such a lovely lady, she tries so hard to keep her independence and dignity despite all her health problems.

I toyed with telling her, but it would just upset her and I'm not sure how easy it would be for her to find alternative care anyway, there's not much to choose from round our way. And I don't know if she would then be too embarrassed to speak to me. She doesn't have family, if she had a son or daughter I might have spoken to them.

But it makes me so angry that these women were laughing about her and that they will still be doing her personal care. Am I over-reacting? Were they just letting off steam after their early morning shift? It is a tough job, I have no doubt it's not fun to start your day with that. But that is their job and their clients can't help it. I'm sure they don't want to be like this either.

What would you do? I'm thinking I'll tell the agency but not Mary. Or is it enough that I spoke to the person in the car and maybe they'll think about it in future, even if they were rude to me at the time?

I guess I could do a semi-anonymous report where I just say that I overheard some chat in a car and could they please remind their staff to be discreet when having conversations in a public place, rather than give details?

Well said, totally agree !

Still the morons at the back don't get it. Probably you should learn to read. Nobody needs you

Why thank you. But at least my comments don get deleted. I love a bit of fun seeing everyone being triggered. It greatly amuses me.

Oh god

Oh please dont start her off. Weve just had pages of unhingedness.

Taking away the fact that it was discussed in public and overheard by someone who knew Mary I don’t see what in the initial single line of conversation OP overheard equates to derogatory comments or slagging off etc. If someone can explain it to me that would be great because I feel like I’m obviously reading a very different post to everybody else right now.

Did try.

So did I, but got reported and deleted
for touching on the fact PP is ND as she has mentioned is an aggravating factor of her viewpoint several times.

Before I unthread, I have a story from 35 years ago that might relate to not doing anything and allowing it to continue.

My 10 yo daughter had a lovely friend that we invited to spend the day. They were both delighted and having a wonderful time until they got very wet by the lake. I took them to my daughter's room, gave them each a bathrobe, told them to give me their clothes to dry for them. My daughter went to the bathroom to change. When I returned a few minutes later, the friend was curled up in a corner shaking at the thought of removing her clothes even though she had a bathrobe to put on. I wound up having to take her home sooner than expected, and couldn't help wondering if someone was abusing this little girl.

Do I tell the parents, one of whom might be an abuser? They seemed very nice. Do I call social services and report a thought that might not be accurate, and doom this family? I didn't do either, but I've thought about that little girl a thousand times over the years. I hope she turned out alright, but still...

OP actually witnessed a legitimate offense which might make me wonder just how kind the caregiver really is to Mary even if Mary says she's fine. My aging aunt's caregiver who was a family member (married to a nephew) everyone thought was so, so nice was actually deceiving her into signing things and wiped out bank accounts. Through her executors, a lawyer and a helpful politician (occasionally, there is one), everything that wasn't spent was recovered to the detriment of that caregiver. Not everyone and not all situations deserve the benefit of a doubt.

Watch a movie called I Care A Lot. It's very funny, but also tragic since it's based on actual things that really happen, perpetrated by people who say they care, but have ulterior motives.

Probably the one in the car. Report, report, report

For the record it wasn’t me that reported (I don’t think it is a negative thing to point out being ND means I may see things differently to others as I don’t think it is always a bad thing to see a different POV or think being in the minority automatically means my viewpoint is wrong) and I appreciate you trying to explain it to me even if I still don’t get it and still think stating a fact isn’t, in itself, the same as slagging off/ being cruel/ describing bodily fluids in detail etc. I sort of understand that most posters are making assumptions about the tone and context and meaning of the words which are just that, assumptions, and that in reality nobody who was not actually there can be sure on what happened, no matter how much conviction some posters here have that their view is 100% the only one.

Sorry, should add I’m aware you didn’t accuse me of being the one who reported in case you think I am trying to argue with you! I know we have disagreed on this thread but I haven’t taken anything you said personally, hope you haven’t either, and don’t feel any animosity towards you so not trying to cause drama or start an argument!

PP and ND?

PP - previous poster
ND - neurodiverse/ neurodivergent

Thank you. though I admit I'm not sure what neurodiverse means

It means your brain works differently to most people’s. People with autism ADHD, dyspraxia, dyslexia and OCD are all examples of neurodiversity. I have autism and ADHD which I think is what was being referred to as it was suggested that is probably why I can’t see what’s wrong with what the carer said.

I sort of understand that most posters are making assumptions about the tone and context and meaning of the words which are just that, assumptions, and that in reality nobody who was not actually there can be sure on what happened, no matter how much conviction some posters here have that their view is 100% the only one.

I'm just taking OP's word for it. 🤷‍♀️

At some point you have to allow for the the fact you never have 100% of any situation if you are not there. And you still probably don't if you are there. There are many sides to any story.

But people have to take responsibility for how they are perceived. And the impression they give. They need to be aware of that.

Laughing about a vulnerable person, in a distressing situation is not a good look. However you analyse it. It was enough to make OP react. And worry.

The impression she got was not good. That's it.

Yeah, I guess I would just never take the word of one stranger about a situation I wasn’t at because I know how subjective points of view are and how much they can be affected by people’s personal opinions and views, most people struggle to be objective. I always look to try and see what the other points of view might be rather than to see things as black and white, maybe that’s because my natural thinking used to be very black and white and so I have worked very hard to try and look beyond that and to try and unpick other sides to a situation beyond the face of it. Maybe the carer responded to OP as she did because she is an awful person, or maybe she is a usually kind person who was having a truly awful day or who felt threatened, maybe the OP didn’t actually approach her as politely as she’s made out in the thread and actually was rude and aggressive to the carer and so received a response in a similar tone. To just take the OP’s one sided view as fact just seems absurd to me, very rarely is one person’s account of a situation the true objective one.

Thank you. Oldest grandson has autism. Best friends since he was 3

Nope, you're all good, i wasn't accusing anyone, was liar genuinely trying to stop anyone making the same mistake as I would never be spiteful about being ND. I only referenced it because you did.
Some idiot has used it as a very low tactic.

Sorry, no idea where liar came from.

@MolkosTeenageAngst I can understand your mindset. But, if you had that mindset all the time (which isn't a bad one for real life!) Youd spend hours of your time on these threads saying the same thing. Sometimes, you just have to read the info, make up your view and go with it.

I worked as a carer and would never talk about a client in that way. You should report it as this sort of behaviour is unacceptable.

To just take the OP’s one sided view as fact just seems absurd to me, very rarely is one person’s account of a situation the true objective one.

Of course not.

You have to take responsibility for the impression you give. And I would bet money that the carer knew she hadn't given a very good impression. And to be honest any of the reasons that made her act that way ( there could be loads ) are irrelevant really.

I have no reason to disbelieve OP. Once you start that, there could be an infinite ways to look at this thread and tie yourself up in knots and go round in circles and never really come to any conclusion. And tbh that is what you seem to be doing.

Sometimes you have to take your strongest impression of things and go with that.

Maybe, but I feel like sometimes there is no one conclusion and that’s okay. I try not to forget there are peoples real lives on the end of this. All these posts saying that the carers are abusive, derogatory, rude, cruel etc and suggesting they’re probably unkind to Mary will have vilified and erred on the OP to report. That’s fine if the OP’s account and the posters interpretations are 100% true, but if actually the OP has exaggerated/ misinterpreted things when writing out the situation and made out the way she approached the carer in the car was rude and intimidating and she then goes on to report what was actually reasonable behaviour but uses some of the language on this thread when reporting (eg: saying they were being cruel, going into detail, slagging Mary off etc) and gets the carers sacked anyway then the result is real people lose their jobs and a real elderly woman loses carers who were actually good and kind to her.

I think the same on threads where an OP shares her one sided account of an argument between her and DH and immediately everybody jumps to the fact he’s abusive, he’s probably cheating and works to convince the OP she needs to LTB. They seem to forget that it’s a real person with a real life behind the screen and that actually black and white advice and taking an OPs word as gospel might not actually be helpful if it leads to the OP making life-changing decisions. I admit I probably do have a tendency to play devil’s advocate on a lot of threads and bring up opposing point of views but it’s because I sometimes think it’s a bit dangerous the way so many posters take everything on a thread as true and give very definite advice based on that, rather than recognising that real life situations are rarely so simple and black and white and that people are actually very complex beings. It isn’t so simple as to say somebody who swears is probably a bad/ abusive carer and someone who is polite is a good one, the reality of human behaviour is so much more complex.

. It isn’t so simple as to say somebody who swears is probably a bad/ abusive carer and someone who is polite is a good one, the reality of human behaviour is so much more complex.

No one said that.

They're saying the way that carer was behaving - in the car , on loud speaker, was not the way she should be. She was breaking rules etc etc Same goes for saying Fuck Off. etc etc etc

No one knows if she's a good carer or not.

They are saying the things she was seen and heard doing do not give the impression that she will be a good carer around vulnerable Mary.

I have no more interest in going around and around about this tbh. You've made your mind up and if you are happy to think OP is being untruthful anyway, well, we'll never agree.

Though in my opinion OP hasn't put a foot wrong other than look out for her friend.

Anyway good night.

🤣🤣 brilliant!