I've just been told that I smell. How do I cope with the shame? How do I retrieve my dignity?

[MalodorousAndMortified]

She told me that I sometimes smell, as in sweaty and farty. She really is the kindest woman imaginable, and she absolutely could not have been more discrete or sympathetic in the manner in which she explained this to me. But she is also the wife of the minister as my church, and so was likely telling me what a number of people were thinking but didn't dare say.

I'm heading into menopause and have another few health issues which might account for the smell, and I'm prepared to acknowledge that I got out of the habit of wearing deodorant whilst Shielding and WFH during lockdown. But I just feel now such a sense of crushingly mortifying shame that I don't know how to move on from. I can't disappear from the church because my whole family is there, but if it was up to me I would never set foot in the place again. Aside from always making sure I am scrupulously and meticulously clean and hygienic every time I leave the house, like, how do I move on from this? How do I retrieve or regain my dignity?

The truth is that everyone smells a bit. We're animals after all, ones who perspire and get food trapped in our teeth between brushing. We eat garlic and onions and drink coffee, and that changes our breath and scents our sweat.

Not using deodorant means your body odour has gone unchecked on occasion. It's an easy fix too, so problem sorted and you're on top of this now.

The shame is what drives us to meet societal hygiene expectations, so use it for its purpose. Try and frame these feelings as useful and make them the driver of what will move you forward and carry on.

I also moved over to Mitchum deodorant because as I approached menopause my old one just wasn't strong enough and my armpits smelt like onions after a few hours. It's good stuff and does the job.

Very sensible approach. I would smell too if I did not wear deodorant. I know that because I have been running without it a few times and absolutely reeked when I got back. No biggie, its normal. Just shower, whack on deodorant and problem solved. I dont know of a single person who wouldnt smell if they let their showering drop off and didnt wear deodorant so its not just you, OP, it applies to everyone.

Wow! you obviously have not read the original post and have just jumped to an erroneous conclusion. Shame your mind works that way.

I'm not sure you can say this this, I have nce worked in a large environment where there was a lady that smelled quite badly with bo she was a hippy type person that environmently friendly so didn't wear deodorant or perfume people used to talk behind her back and were really not nice about her and laughing about it at the same time. Not one of them took her aside to tell her but revelled in discussing her at every opportunity. So actually I think it is nice that someone is brave enough to take her to one side and say something.

Everyone has a scent/smell yes but that's a very, very different thing to what the OP describes she's experiencing.

On your most recent update OP, a couple of thoughts:

I recently bought a Hotpoint washing machine which always leaves water stuck in the seal and it means if I don't empty it immediately my clothes get a stagnant water smell quite quickly.

On cooking, the biggest offender I find is cooking oil. I actually avoid frying anything if I'll be going out afterwards unless it's 2 minutes in not much oil. I never deep fat fry anything because my house and clothes just seem to hang onto the smell.

I've noticed that when I eat a curry that's full of garlic/spices I can smell it on my skin the next day.

Of course @DojaPhat, but I'm not talking about pheromones, the scent of our skin, scalp etc.

I'm talking about how bad I would smell if I didn't put on deodorant. I'm overweight so get BO very quickly without it (thank goodness for Mitchum Deodorant as mentioned by others too).

In the morning I brush my teeth, floss, but this is pretty much undone as soon as I've had a milky coffee, unless I brush again which I wouldn't normally do till I go to bed (unless I'm going out).

Have you never picked up a whiff of a colleague's coffee breath? Smelt garlic coming from someone's pores? It's pretty normal.

My sympathy is yours. Because I’m disabled, and only shower once a week, I wash my important little places with the antiseptic liquid dished out by hospitals before an operation: Octenisan, which you can probably order from a pharmacy or obtain on line. Most deodorants make my underarms itch, but Salt of the Earth brand is natural and works without irritating my skin. Don’t feel shame, the sisterhood is with you.

I feel for you. I'm also going through the menopause and my sense of smell has heightened, and I'm aware some days of an odd odour on myself which makes me paranoid. Don't worry, as you've said you're going to increase your hygiene levels, it will improve and others will forget.

Many years ago when I was doing my secretarial training one of the other girls had an awful BO problem. Someone mentioned it to the tutor who agreed it was time for the office hygiene talk. This was done by the CEOs secretary. It covered things like not eating smelly foods in the office or wearing really strong perfume And moved on to personal hygiene.

She said that not everyone can tell that they have BO but that her tip was to regularly check yourself by putting the clothes you have just taken off into a different room for a while. Then go back later and sniff them to check if you could smell anything off. Worked brilliantly, no one was singled out and it solved the problem. I have used this ever since.

I don't agree that everyone suffers from BO though. I have been with my DH for over 50 years and I have never smelled BO on him and he doesn't shower every day if we are only pottering about the house. By the time we managed to get my late dad into a home he probably hadn't showered for 3 months. He still didn't smell, amazingly.

I’ve been told by a newly close friend of mine that i had a bad smell in school and that i should wash my clothes more regularly, and that it’s just in school outside i always smell nice, i feel so awkward and embarrassed about it to the point i wanna kms, i just don’t want her to think differently of me

Your friend obviously really cares about you to have been brave enough to tell you this and to still want to be friends with you despite this.

Do you have someone that can support you with getting the laundry right to make sure your clothes don't smell? Smells can often get trapped in fabric and cause a smell.

Better for her to tell you than someone talk behind your back.

Lots of things cause bad smells. If it's only at school, then it should be easy to work out what you do differently.

Constructive criticism/feedback is a good thing.

She doesn't think differently of you otherwise she wouldn't be your friend anymore.

Hi @Zeesummer I've just had a notification about your post, and I am so sorry you are in the same situation.

I may have read this wrong, but when you said kms - did you mean that you felt like you should kill yourself? If so no judgment (I did at a few points after this incident last year contemplate the same) but honestly all suicidal feelings and impulses are probably an indication that you are feeling extremely bad and need some help.

Would it help for me to offer an update on this thread? I did as everyone on here advised in terms of personal hygiene, laundry and cooking in separate clothes, always made a point of showering immediately before church or seeing this woman, took peppermint oil and anti-flatulents - never mind the details, because the woman who pulled me on this and I are now GOOD FRIENDS. I hope you can take this as an encouragement that being told that you smell doesn't need to impact negatively on a friendship but can increase honesty and depth. I hope you are OK.

I often wonder about how you are getting on Malodorous, I am so pleased the situation resolved itself, I really felt for you when I read your post originally.

Take care x

Look at it that some may care about you but didn't want to embarrass you so approached the Minister's wife who is better equipped at broaching these sensitive matters.

If no one like you they would just be ridiculing you behind your back. But instead they cared enough to get someone to let you know.

Don't feel ashamed or embarrassed.