I've just been told that I smell. How do I cope with the shame? How do I retrieve my dignity?

[MalodorousAndMortified]

She told me that I sometimes smell, as in sweaty and farty. She really is the kindest woman imaginable, and she absolutely could not have been more discrete or sympathetic in the manner in which she explained this to me. But she is also the wife of the minister as my church, and so was likely telling me what a number of people were thinking but didn't dare say.

I'm heading into menopause and have another few health issues which might account for the smell, and I'm prepared to acknowledge that I got out of the habit of wearing deodorant whilst Shielding and WFH during lockdown. But I just feel now such a sense of crushingly mortifying shame that I don't know how to move on from. I can't disappear from the church because my whole family is there, but if it was up to me I would never set foot in the place again. Aside from always making sure I am scrupulously and meticulously clean and hygienic every time I leave the house, like, how do I move on from this? How do I retrieve or regain my dignity?

OP I understand the feeling of horror at this, but I promise this feels bigger to you than it is to anyone else.

Something that seems clear to me is that the people at your church like you and want you to be there. It's not a comfortable conversation to have with someone and I would only do it for someone that I cared about and that I hope to continue seeing.

Wow, now it's the Church's fault!!! Seriously, it's kinder to tell someone than not and have them be talked about behind their back.

This happened at Church but OP possibly has other groups she mixes with, work, clubs, friends etc and no one there has been brave enough to say something.

Fear of hurting someone's feelings is a big reason people don't say anything. But nothing worse than being the last to know.

It's certainly not a nice thing to hear, when I was told, I had a similar reaction.
I was also angry with myself for not noticing but sometimes we don't smell ourselves as others do.

Ignoring the advice or blaming the person who told you achieves nothing.

Bless you that’s so difficult, my friend is a bit whiffy tbh turns out she doesn’t shower every day and also doesn’t wear clean clothes every day , she smells of dirty clothes mostly I cant bring myself to tell her , but when she stays over at my place after long hot sweaty days never showers
but it’s actually her clothes that smell the worse tbh
we all have a different idea of clean and some people have a keener sense of smell.
hard to hear but maybe just do anything you can to make you feel sweet and smelling fresh
My own wardrobe smells a bit farty when I open it there’s a lot of wool coats and stored winter jumpers, although clean I think it’s that smelling ,

I'm guessing you're not literally farting in church so when she said you smell "farty", did she mean sort of musty (like damp clothes) or sulphurous? I know a couple of people who smell a bit odd with slightly eggy breath when they stop eating carbs.

I agree with PPs who recommend bar soap over shower gel. Among other chronic health conditions, I have POTS, which is a dysregulation of the autonomic nervous system. That means my heart rate goes haywire when I stand up, I can't regulate my body temperature, and I look like a red-faced swamp beast after the most minor exertion. I made the switch to proper bar soap paired with Mitchum cream deodorant based on a MN recommendation and it has solved my Sweaty Betty woes.

Another tip is using glycolic acid on your armpits. I'm not easily "influenced" by social media but I bought a bottle (The Ordinary brand) and I rub it onto my armpits with a cotton wool pad. When it dries, I put on deodorant. I don't know how it works - it's an exfoliant so maybe it's just deep cleaning the area? - but I find that my armpits smell of absolutely nothing by the end of the day, even in hot weather. It also got rid of my underarm hyperpigmentation, so that was an added bonus!

She has told you out of kindness rather than nastiness. It’s far worse to go on being the smelly person and have people start to dodge you as a result. Now you know you can act on it. Sounds like you need to restart with the anti perspirant above all else, Mitchum is a good one.

It's very embarassing I'm sure, but it sounds like the lady was trying to be as kind and sensitive as possible. I have a friend who "smells" - she's very hippy and only uses tiny amounts of shower gel, lives on a boat so doesn't have enough showers/baths and has a massive head of hair (which I'm really envious of!) but she doesn't wash it often enough. Likewise, she washes her clothes with non-bio stuff at 30 degrees, so her clothes always smell stale and weird. I had been mulling over whether to gently raise it with her... but her boss got there before me, so she's a lot more pleasant to be around now.
Long story short: Wash from head to toe every day, with a good quality soap. Wash your clothes with biolgical powder at 40 degress or higher, dry in the open air if you can. Change all your clothes every day. Give all your clothes and shoes the sniff test before you wear them.
Do get checked by the doctor - there are health conditions which affect the natural smell of the body. Get checked for anosmia too.
Please don't feel bad about it - your friend was trying to help, and it's no reflection at all on you as a person.

Clothes often smell of food if not washed or aired frequently or if you cook food which has strong smells.
I agree that soap is far better than shower gel. I use Palmolive original and I have had people say how fresh I smell,Ike a baby. As a 78 yr old woman, it's important to get the basics right. Freshness, not masking any odours with perfume.
I've read that Imperial Leather soap is great for drying out greasy hair, which can be a horrible smell.

You've had great advice here about a little alteration to your washing and bathing routines and just a small gift in private or a word of thanks to the vicar's wife would put the incident well in the past.
Best wishes 💐

I'm 78, not you, of course 🤭

As someone else said, fresh sweat isn't as unpleasant as old sweat., so perhaps it is in your clothes and you need to change them more often. Or could it be you have left jackets and cardigans near where you cook? Fried onions can definitely be absorbed into clothes. I have made that mistake myself.

Has anyone in your family mentioned it?

Interesting point about the cooking. Yes, I cook a lot, and cook with large amounts of onion, garlic, and strongly scented ingredients (it's a cultural thing) and I realise that I don't tend to shower or change between cooking and church activities or socialising. I need to, I think. I think I need also to ensure that I cook only in certain outfits and to ensure that I don't wear my "cooking clothes" to church. As the minister's wife has acknowledged, it isn't a particularly diverse congregation.

My other thought is that I changed washing machines around the time menopause began. I wonder whether this one does as effective a job as the previous one. I'll try the hotter and longer cycles, and I'll try better powder.

But equally, I have bought a range of the anti-flatulents, anti-perspirants, and deodorants suggested on this thread.

Feeling better this evening, but still dreading dreading church on Sunday.

Maybe the onions & garlic are the culprit?

Feeling better this evening, but still dreading dreading church on Sunday.

Try not to dread going, op. Your fellow church members care about you. If they happen to notice an improvement, they will certainly be pleased for you.

Do you find yourself in other large group situations too? Work? Any other activities? Do you find yourself worrying about these too and about other issues? I just wonder if you feel socially anxious and lack confidence generally, or if this is a new thing, specific to the smell issue which has been raised.

Do you feel comfortable generally in the Church? I would imagine people are keen for you to feel welcome and comfortable. Please try not to worry too much. Rome was not built in a day and you have an on-going project which won’t be completed really quickly. However, of all places, I’d really hope the Church is the place where people can be accepting of everyone.

In churches I’ve been to for different events, I’ve noticed a really wide range of people. I think there have been some homeless people and definitely some people with mental health issues and it’s seemed that everyone is welcomed and treated well. I hope it’s the same for you too.

Same here, we cook with onion and garlic, and my gastroenterologist has said these kinds of veg can be the culprits. Someone I know smells very strongly of the cooking smells, and whilst the food is delicious, the pungent smell left on
the clothes is over powering. I have fo discreetly open a window, even in the depths of winter. Keeping clothes for cooking is a great idea. I like to wear old pyjamas when cooking.

@MalodorousAndMortified
If you have long hair or dreads that might not get washed as often as others who wash hair every day, it might be an idea to wear a head covering when cooking, a turban or similar. I"ve a friend who looks stunning in her colourful clothes with matching headwear.
I remember decades ago, before showers were in every home (we has baths once a week and strip washes on the other days) standing behind people in queues whose clothes smelled of stale meals and I always had to politely leave the queue.
I feel sure that you will feel fresher and more confident in a couple of weeks when you get into your new routine.
I wouldn't wear perfume as that might give the impression that your covering up other odours.
Good old soap and water is fine and no need for fancy laundry detergents, just regular washing and airing of clothes on a hanger on a line, outdoors if possible.
Sunday church will be just fine and people will be delighted to see you and possibly think they made a mistake in thinking those thoughts. 💐

Hang on - you say cultural thing. Are you from a different culture? Could this be veiled racism

Oh ffs

Wow, have you read the posts from OP and how she describes the person who told her?

Is she not meant to say anything to OP because she's from a diffent culture?

I say that as someone who was told the same as OP by Simone not the same race as myself.

The issue is the smell, which OP acknowledges in her last post.

Not everything is about race.

Don't worry. You have taken care of the problem, made changes. The first time may be awkward but it will be forgotten soon

It's not just hair and clothing. I have known people who eat lots of onion and garlic to sort of ooze the aromas from their pores. That might be the sulphurous smell the church lady described so vulgarly.

Maybe try some bland cooking for a couple of weeks and see if there is a difference? Not that you shouldn't eat as you prefer, but just temporarily as an experiment.

Make sure you are showering daily with soap, clean and fresh clothes daily, brush teeth twice per day, and floss/dentastix. Wash hair at least twice per week. Wash clothes with good quality detergent on a warm wash (I use a eco/cold wash but noticed it just doesn't cut it for my nephews sweaty clothes), line dry them, make sure they're not left damp to get musty. Air your coat/jacket. At times of hormonal change (puberty, pregnancy, menopause), we can get a bit smelly. If you thibk the smell maybe clinging to you from your house, Open your windows, don't fry food, the smell clings to everything. Clean carpets, have a good cull of everything. You can turn this situation around and hold your head high.

Haven't read the full thread but just some thoughts I've had...

Sort through all your tops/T-shirts and check the arm pits. Do they smell bad? Once that smell is embedded it's hard to get rid of it despite going through the washing machine. Either bin anything that smells or research how to neutralise them.

Shower every morning so you are fresh for the day ahead. In your position i would also have one before bed.

Get a good quality bar of soap for armpits/groin/ sweaty places and use a body scrub to make sure it's thoroughly clean.

Liquid talc is good for sweaty areas, minimises sweat and dampness inbetween legs and groin area.

Use a roll on deodorant and a spray anti perspirant ontop. I also use a body spray and spritz it all over my body before getting dressed.

Do you brush your teeth well? Floss? Mouthwash?

What does farty mean? Do you break wind a lot? Do you clean your bottom properly? Perhaps try using wet wipes after using the toilet to make sure everywhere is clean.

I would also be mindful of what you wear when you cook.

If I'm cooking something that smells quite strong i put scruffy clothes on then change back to normal clothes when I'm done. There's a woman i know who constantly smells of deep fat frier/chips and her house stinks of it too and she never cracks a window open.

Hang on - you say cultural thing. Are you from a different culture? Could this be veiled racism

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Fgs. People can stink from any culture. It is not racist to tell someone they stink if they stink.

OP- I use non biological washing powder as I thought it was kinder to skin but I have noticed that sometimes when I take laundry out, it still smells like it hasnt been properly washed. So, recently i've been using oxi clean and its made a huge difference! Laundry smells so fresh now (sorry if that sounded like an advert lol) but its made me realise that if you dont wash clothes the right way they can still have a lingering smell even when you think they ought to be clean