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I've just been told that I smell. How do I cope with the shame? How do I retrieve my dignity?

366 replies

MalodorousAndMortified · 05/07/2023 21:26

She told me that I sometimes smell, as in sweaty and farty. She really is the kindest woman imaginable, and she absolutely could not have been more discrete or sympathetic in the manner in which she explained this to me. But she is also the wife of the minister as my church, and so was likely telling me what a number of people were thinking but didn't dare say.

I'm heading into menopause and have another few health issues which might account for the smell, and I'm prepared to acknowledge that I got out of the habit of wearing deodorant whilst Shielding and WFH during lockdown. But I just feel now such a sense of crushingly mortifying shame that I don't know how to move on from. I can't disappear from the church because my whole family is there, but if it was up to me I would never set foot in the place again. Aside from always making sure I am scrupulously and meticulously clean and hygienic every time I leave the house, like, how do I move on from this? How do I retrieve or regain my dignity?

OP posts:
ilovesushi · 06/07/2023 18:32

I don't think the lady at your church was kind, I think she was a complete bitch! How dare she make you feel that way. I've had colleagues who were a bit whiffy but I would never ever have dreamed of saying anything to them because a) it just wouldn't bother me too much and b) I would hate to hurt their feelings and ruin our relationship.

It is most probably your hormones causing it. I found either my sense of smell is heightened with peri-menopause or I do actually smell more. Keep going to your church, no need to do anything different, but steer clear of the interfering busy body. x

MalodorousAndMortified · 06/07/2023 18:32

PeaceGoodMercutio · 06/07/2023 17:27

I find scent really interesting! Apparently, a lot of it is to do with hormones and other elusive body stuff. So someone could smell vile to you, but divine to someone else.
There was a man at uni who everyone fancied, and I thought he stank. The worst smelling human ever. No one else could smell it! We lived in halls and he was always clean, so nothing to do with hygiene.
My husband thinks he smells sweaty at times, but to me he smells amazing.
You really might not smell. You might just be sexually incompatible with the church lady.

I am so very grateful to God that I am totally sexually incompatible with her 🤣 If I were to ever to have had feelings for the woman, OMG the drama it would cause. Thank you for making me smile.

OP posts:
IknowYouButIdontLikeYou · 06/07/2023 18:32

WHY did you "get out of the habit of using deodorant"?

Shower every morning, use a deodorant, keep one in your bag, wear panty liners, clean clothes, every day. That should be all you need. Carry on going to church, but be clean. Simple.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

LuckySantangelo35 · 06/07/2023 18:37

ilovesushi · 06/07/2023 18:32

I don't think the lady at your church was kind, I think she was a complete bitch! How dare she make you feel that way. I've had colleagues who were a bit whiffy but I would never ever have dreamed of saying anything to them because a) it just wouldn't bother me too much and b) I would hate to hurt their feelings and ruin our relationship.

It is most probably your hormones causing it. I found either my sense of smell is heightened with peri-menopause or I do actually smell more. Keep going to your church, no need to do anything different, but steer clear of the interfering busy body. x

@ilovesushi

she wasn’t being a bitch
most people want to know if they smell. So they can do something about it

Jezzabear · 06/07/2023 18:38

Relax: all people and other animals smell, it is an important basic part of our natural recognition system, disrupted by scents and chemicals. Why do we kiss people as a greeting? It is perfectly natural, to sample their smell.
Many animals depend for their health and nutrition on the sense of smell, but nowadays most humans mainly use it subconsciously. Having said that, we are happy to smell a bonfire, a good meal, Chanel No5, or fine wine. A sensitive friend of mine told me he could often respond to the smells of confidence, fear or agitation during business negotiations. Scientists say that this is an element of intuition.

Doctors have found it is possible to diagnose many metabolic conditions from smell, so now medical assistance dogs are trained to detect ailments, including diabetes and cancers, instantly snd cheaply without lab tests (not just bombs, drugs and firearms!)

One of HM Ministers told the House of Commons that until the late nineteenth century, most middle-class people only bathed twice in a lifetime, at birth and death, "and on both occasions rhe process was involuntary!" Our metabolism is naturally sweet-smelling, but sadly disrupted by clothing, and by environment. So we do not need or want chemical deodorants, and certainly not aluminium antiperspirants, just soap and water!

When we and our hormones get older and fatter, our personal smells change. Body fluids always leak, so clean clothes are important; some diets such as garlic or cigars may leave a nasty smell; urban environments and closed windows are unhealthy; and in the country you might fall into muck! But for almost everyone, a daily shower or basin, soap and toothbrush, and change of underclothes is necessary and sufficient hygiene.

StarshipCaptain · 06/07/2023 18:39

Careerdilemma · 05/07/2023 21:32

You poor love, I imagine that's very upsetting.

If you've not been using deodorant it may be your clothes rather than you that smell. Try wearing your clothes for a good few hours and the sniffing the arm pits, that's when you can normally tell when your body heat warms them up. Whack them in the washing machine with a cup of vinegar and do a cycle with no liquid, as hot as care labels allow. Then wash again with biological washing powder.

Failing that make a paste of bicarb and water and paint inside armpits. Leave to stand a few hours, then put on rinse then wash with bio.

I think in your position I'd have a fabulous makeover to boost my confidence and style it out.

This sounds like fabulous advice.

it sounds like she was very sympathetic when she spoke to you, and at least now you know you can address it and you won’t be embarrassed by anybody else saying it in. Maybe not such a nice way. It may not seem like it, but I think she was being kind to tell you. I think I would find it difficult to tell someone that

Onwards and upwards, now you know you can fix it.

Yerroblemom1923 · 06/07/2023 18:40

Daily shower with soap and hair wash. Focus on pits and bits. Clean clothes daily. Anti perspirant (Mitchum is good), talcum powder and spray a fragrance. Wear different shoes each day. Cotton underwear, scented panty liners (unless they aggravate you). Brush teeth twice daily and mouthwash. Keep wetwipes in your bag to freshen up when at work. Wash bedding weekly and change nightwear regularly.

HavinKittens · 06/07/2023 18:42

Yerroblemom1923 · 06/07/2023 18:40

Daily shower with soap and hair wash. Focus on pits and bits. Clean clothes daily. Anti perspirant (Mitchum is good), talcum powder and spray a fragrance. Wear different shoes each day. Cotton underwear, scented panty liners (unless they aggravate you). Brush teeth twice daily and mouthwash. Keep wetwipes in your bag to freshen up when at work. Wash bedding weekly and change nightwear regularly.

No one should wear scented panty liners. Completely unnecessary and irritant to virtually everyone, whether you feel irritated by them or not.

blondiepigtails · 06/07/2023 18:43

If you’re menopausal please don’t scrub your lady parts with soap or shower gel. They will smell more. Just use water and an antibacterial microfibre body cloth. Your body’s ph balance will resettle.
Your washing machine may be dirty. Run a 90 hot cycle to refresh it. If you’re wearing clothes more than once, hang them in fresh air before putting them away - sniff test first. Don’t use fabric conditioner or Bold, it just adds more muck to your bedding and clothes. Dry your clothes and bedding in bright sunshine if possible. Hot wash towels.
Wash your hair every couple of days.
Breeze into church with a smile. If you’re clean and shiny, everything else will be quickly forgotten.

Oioicaptain · 06/07/2023 18:46

I personally would discretely carry some fart spray and give the vicars wife a quit spritz. Bit by bit, I would then discretely tell people that you were morified to learn that people mistakenly thought you were responsible for the smell, when it was her all along! That's what I would do. You should always try and pin the blame for any farty sort of smells upon others. 😉

Notreallyhappy · 06/07/2023 18:48

Use soap and a scrubby flannel. Invest in a natural deodorant like wild. The usual type can cause a sweaty smell on some.. (me)
Wash your clothes, smell them under the arms without softener. Use Natural fabrics where possible.
I use wild, just got home from a holiday in 30°+ and no issue at all.
Thank the person for the comment as you didn't realise

Happytalky · 06/07/2023 18:52

Don't worry about it. Tell her that she smells!

BeverlyHa · 06/07/2023 18:52

LOL< may I ask the denomination this church is part from? The answer will reveal a lot , including the fake kindness this woman has towards you and many others

BeverlyHa · 06/07/2023 18:53

Can I remind you, every cell and part of you, including the smell - if it is so smelly, is part of God's design for you and you are made in His image. I am not sure that your pastor's wife is both a believer, is kind and has got any brain to be honest

Sureaseggs44 · 06/07/2023 18:55

This reply has been deleted

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Actually there are some medical conditions which cause body odour no matter how much you wash and use deodorant.

TellySavalashairbrush · 06/07/2023 18:57

I agree with a bar of soap for washing your body rather than shower gel. Check coats, jackets at the armpits as stale sweat can get trapped there. Use biological washing powder for clothes and make sure they are aired or dried sufficiently.
antiperspirant for arm pits and avoid eating too much garlic .

Toomuchtrouble4me · 06/07/2023 18:57

This reply has been deleted

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That’s not actually true. My TA at school had a terrible time during menopause and would start to smell of BO minutes after getting out of the shower. She was forever sniffing and checking and asking me if she had any odour - she even took to a lunchtime shower which we luckily had at work, so she was full body washing 3 times a day.
She’s a very clean woman and it only stopped when she went on HRT.
your comment is flippant and inaccurate. There are all sorts of medical conditions and imbalances that cause this. I have never used deodorant, so
ling as I shower daily I definitely don’t need it.

Desperatenow1 · 06/07/2023 18:58

Jem57 · 06/07/2023 18:13

I had to tell one of my staff at work as all the customers who came to the shop were commenting and telling me the Manager how awful she smelt.I had hinted and given her advice but she totally ignored me,so I had to be a lot firmer,it was awful but it couldn’t carry on.

The point of your post is????

Italiangreyhound · 06/07/2023 19:01

The best thing is to make sure clothes are clean, you are clean, and you use deodorant, find one you like the smell of and that works well, some are definitely better than others.

It is normal to smell, even if you wash in hot water and soap, you will still end up swelling a bit sweaty by the end of the day. If there are medical issues, can you address these.

But most all, someone telling you is a sign that they care. Much easier to ignore it than to tell you.

Please do not be embarrassed.

MrsBizzyBody · 06/07/2023 19:02

Sound like she did it with the best intentions. Isn’t it better to know? We all smell sometimes. It’s a body full of weird discharges and smells and hair that apparently grows in all the wrong places but nobody told our bodies. You are not your body it’s just a wrapper, a vehicle that allows you to have a human experience. Sounds like you have family and friends they probably don’t see it as an issue. Don’t let it get to you. It doesn’t define you.

Zone2NorthLondon · 06/07/2023 19:02

Usual mn hysteria
use panty liners and change twice during the day
Why not have your fanny bits surgically removed and filled with pot pourri

Atethehalloweenchocs · 06/07/2023 19:03

You have already worked out what you can do differently. In terms of how you feel, tell her, if you have not already, that your health problems are contributing but that you are open to ideas if she has any constructive ones. Then hold your head up high - there is no shame in taking action when there is an issue. Its the people who lash out or pretend it is not happening who need to think about what they do. It is never nice to be called out for something - I have some experience of this - but if you push through it settles down and is forgotten quickly.

SayHi · 06/07/2023 19:05

I completely understand why you feel the way you do but I’d rather be told and be able to do something about it, than not be told and continue smelling.

You do need to wear deodorant and clean clothes every day (as clothes hold on to the smells).

I worked with a child who always stank and the parents (who had SN themselves) said they were definitely showering him which we were unsure about. So SS said we could shower him at school but we found his body didn’t smell that bad but his clothes absolutely reeked!
So we started showering him once a week and washing his uniform once or twice a week and it made a massive difference.
I don’t know how often he was washing at home.

Most people do not need to shower everyday but because of your ND and your other issues I do think getting into the routine of every morning showering, applying deodorant and changing into new clothes will be much easier for you to remember as you’ll do it every day.

If you don’t own a shower then perhaps a bath in the evening and a quick wash down with a flannel in the morning.

I set a reminder on my phone for things that I need to remember.

Deodorant goes on after you’ve had a shower and not before.

SayHi · 06/07/2023 19:08

Happytalky · 06/07/2023 18:52

Don't worry about it. Tell her that she smells!

Don’t be so childish.

Mustbequackers · 06/07/2023 19:09

Bit of info for those saying their clean clothes would still smell of sweat (B.O) when their bodies had warmed them up….

It’s the aluminium (amongst other ingredients) in anti-perspirant that causes an invisible waxy layer of build up in the armpit of the affected clothes, trapping bacteria & causing them to still smell whilst clean.

I switched to Bionsen natural deodorant & use Dettol anti bacterial laundry liquid & that has stopped any issues of my clean clothes smelling, despite being washed.

Anti-perspirant blocks your pores & stops you sweating whereas a deodorant will allow you to sweat but give you some protection against odour.