I've just been told that I smell. How do I cope with the shame? How do I retrieve my dignity?

[MalodorousAndMortified]

She told me that I sometimes smell, as in sweaty and farty. She really is the kindest woman imaginable, and she absolutely could not have been more discrete or sympathetic in the manner in which she explained this to me. But she is also the wife of the minister as my church, and so was likely telling me what a number of people were thinking but didn't dare say.

I'm heading into menopause and have another few health issues which might account for the smell, and I'm prepared to acknowledge that I got out of the habit of wearing deodorant whilst Shielding and WFH during lockdown. But I just feel now such a sense of crushingly mortifying shame that I don't know how to move on from. I can't disappear from the church because my whole family is there, but if it was up to me I would never set foot in the place again. Aside from always making sure I am scrupulously and meticulously clean and hygienic every time I leave the house, like, how do I move on from this? How do I retrieve or regain my dignity?

I'm a sweaty person (some people just are!) and find cream deodorants work much better than sprays or roll ons - I'm using Sure cream at the moment, have also used Mitchum cream but I think Sure is more effective. Some people say washing underarms with a head and shoulders type shampoo is better than soap/shower gel as it kills the bacteria - I haven't tried this so can't say if it works.

I think wearing natural, non clingy fabrics is good too - especially in this weather, smells can cling to synthetic fabrics, and many are not particularly breathable. I bought a dress for a wedding off ebay, synthetic, I washed it before wedding but after a few hours of wearing it seemed to have a weird smell, either one that was always there and didn't properly wash out or it acquired the smells of the environment, hotel and whatnot.

Sorry to hear this OP, all the suggestions here are very good x

OP, sympathies on the IBS, I have it too, although my flatulence has decreased by 90% since I stopped eating bread, sugar, beans etc.

Have you heard of Shreddies, those charcoal pants? They are apparently very effective at neutralising fart smells.

Yes- that's very strange.

Who would say that??

Sweaty smells are quite different from 'fart' smells.

Lactose intolerance can make some people very 'Windy'.

It’s definitely a thing with many people who have IBS. Smells can saturate into pants/trousers, and those with a keen nose can smell it.

Synthetic fabrics can really reek, even when a person showers twice a day.
DS used to have kneepads for sports, and synthetic tops for 'wicking' away sweat, and those pads could have walked to the washing machine by themselves, I swear.

Synthetics do smell fast compared to cotton or pure wool. Not sure why.

Sorry that happened.
There could be a number of reasons for the cause. Just I'm case it is yourself, make a change in hygiene habits but I would recommend speaking with a doctor and getting a health check. BO smell is different to what she described and it may actually be a health issue.
Check your washing machine and put it through a clean with hot water and vinegar and clean the filters. If it's a big clogged or dirty then the clothes won't wash properly. That could be causing the smell.
Run your clothes through a normal wash with a small but of vinegar as well to help remove smells. Eucalyptus oil works better then vinegar and will remove any smell but it's expensive.
Hope that helps.

I’ve read your post and your words about how mortified you feel. On top of the many pieces of good advice which I hope you take I’d like to say this. You have started menopause which can be so tiring for us. It can affect some of us quite harshly. Then there are those various health issues you mentioned. On top of all this the pandemic has been isolating, frightening, depressing, lonely, boring, unending, hard to deal with. The world has been through something major and each one of us has felt it and dealt with it. You haven’t had this problem in the past, only now. So please I hope you forgive yourself about what happened about letting your self care slip. You became overwhelmed and your habits changed during this time. So please try to forgive yourself and move on from this issue.

1. Mitcham roll on, best for menopausal sweaty pits.
2. Australian body care tea tree wash, great for clean smelling without the perfume. Works for face wash, body wash and as a shampoo.
3. Use a mildly scented body cream, palmers fragrance free for me, the aim is to smell fresh not masked.
4. Plan to shower every day for the next 2 months, then perhaps drop back to skipping one at the weekend if u wanted.
5. Invent a random allergy, or discover one. I have a random food allergy, genuine one, won't mention here as its unusual enough to be outing. This allergy causes me to be more smelly sweaty and very farty, avoiding the food type is defo key to me remaining less smelly. Mine is genuine, but I think inventing one, say you can say, I'm so glad I discovered my allergy to xxx it was really getting me down causing all these weird body smells and gi discomforts etc. If you've got a food type you don't like, suggest you use that or you'll have to remember to avoid xxx food type forever.

People will get over it, especially as people move away, get replaced, it will become a distant memory once you are pleasantly fragrant again.

I would actually take the message, not take it personally and learn from it. Buy some nice smelling deodorants/perfume, shower daily, use driclor or Odaban to stop sweating and deflatine or windeze for the gas. Both work well. I don’t eat at all during the day- it sounds extreme but I am used to fasting and genuinely don’t get hungry. Eating is a faff anyway. Also, drink lactofree in your morning drink- lactose intolerance is the cause of many a gassy incident.

all the best OP

If I knew someone who smelled and then they didn't, I'd probably forget that they'd ever been a bit smelly in the first place.
We're all human probably smell occasionally.
I remember eating a salad with a raw garlic dressing one night and my manager saying to me the next morning 'what the heck did you have for breakfast Qwerty! You stink of garlic'.

No big deal. Don't dwell on it.

Start using Mitchum roll on and shower every morning.

How much of your shame is because this happened in the context of church? I don’t agree with the assumption that this was a kindly act. Churches claim to be welcoming environment, but you have been humiliated and left mortified and ashamed by this judgemental conversation (however presented as a favour to you).
Human odour is not always associated with dirtiness nor poor hygiene. In the particularly high temperatures we’ve been experiencing, everyone has been sweating more than usual. Maybe your detergent doesn’t have a pleasant smell or you’re rushing to church after cooking breakfast with a food smell adhered to your clothes and hair.
I have to say you sound the better person in this conversation with the minister’s wife.

I agree.

Yeah...i don't think so.

The OP said:

"She really is the kindest woman imaginable, and she absolutely could not have been more discrete or sympathetic in the manner in which she explained this to me".

It's much kinder to be brave (like the Minister's wife) and have that sort of honest conversation, rather than potentially let the OP be 'the talk' of the congregation.

I agree with this. I would be mortified if I smelt and noone told me. I have also told people at work discretely before if they had a period stain on their trousers that they were unaware of so they could pop home and change- they were super grateful. I think its cruel and unkind not to let people know if they can do something about it rather than let them carry on unaware. It can be done in a kind manner.

My colleague had a team member who had some body odour issues and perhaps not the cleanest of clothes.

People were starting to make comment in the office so she did the kindest and professional thing - she had a quiet word. You know what? Due to the manner she did it he said thank you and took to being non-smelly in the future. Everyone still liked him and actually had a lot of respect he’d taken the feedback on the chin.

It’s not a biggie.

Try sure maximum, it's a 96 hr deodorant and it works. You can still wash but you'll stay dry without reapplying. It's amazing.

OP, I am friends with several people who I suspect are on the autistic spectrum and have had body odour issues. I wasn't close enough friends to say anything about their hygeine, but it didn't mean I didn't like them. A couple of them suddenly improved their hygiene and I didn't think much about it except that it was easier to spend time with them. I didn't hold it against them (lots of people don't realise they smell, including people without ASD). It just wasn't a thing.

If someone used to wear too much perfume (urgh) and suddenly stopped, it wouldn't mean much for your relationship with them except that it was easier to spend time with them.

She told you because she anticipates and wants to be around you, as do the others. Just adjust your routine so a deodorant that works for you, fresh clothes etc and then “as you were”. If you don’t care about being with someone you wouldn’t have this discussion.

No-one likes the thought of being part of any group or community and potentially being noticed by the group for something like smelling a bit unpleasant. It could be a Church or workplace or large social or leisure activity one is involved with.

Some environments will be more generous and kindly about this kind of thing. Some will be more gossipy and potentially unpleasant and exclude someone. I’d think that a Church environment might be a better place for this to happen than many places. The OP clearly mentions that the minister’s wife who spoke to her was kind and discrete. Most of us woukd prefer someone to tell us about something like this rather than remain silent, and we would hope someone would be exactly what this woman was…kind and discrete.

I find it interesting that some people take from OP’s post that the woman who spoke to her was unkind or wrong to have a word. It seems an odd leap based on what OP said. And to be honest, I think it tells us more about them and their own issues about being part of a community/group than OP’s situation.

OP is potentially a vulnerable person. Lots of people are. Lots need a bit of support with practical or social aspects of life. Some places and groups are actually pretty well equipped to provide this and can do it in an amazingly kind and helpful way….not in a patronising or demeaning way, but in an empowering and kind way. It sounds like this is what she experienced - and most people on this thread see it for the positive thing it was. Yes, OP felt mortified, but that wasn’t because of the way it happened. And yes, it’s better to have this sense but know what the issue is and be able to address it, than to avoid and not have that moment of feeling uncomfortable and mortified and be left unaware of the problem well into the future. No doubt the person who spoke to her thought about what to say really carefully and thought about OP and what she knows about her and if it was appropriate and right to say anything or not…..and then did the brave thing and spoke to her. The right person doing the brave thing is often what’s needed. It’s difficult if no-one is prepared to be the brave person. We’d all hope we had a close friend who would be brave and tell us this stuff, even if it’s awkward, but not everyone has a close friend. Unfortunatley, lots of people have zero community or network at all, but I’m glad OP has her Church and people who care enough about her to be brave and help her.

@Windblownwife

@CatsnCoffee

no
most people would want to know if they smell so that they can do something about it
most of us don’t wanna go around smelly and not know!

I have a relative who showers once a week (depression) and a colleague who is very fastidious about his person and looks clean.

Guess which one smells? Yes the colleague leaves a musty smell that permeates the air for ages after he leaves my desk.

So it's all arbitrary, I wouldn't worry about people think, now you're on it.

Off topic (sort of ) but I hate the word " pits" for underarms makes me stabby!

I suppose it is what "moist" is to others.

OP

I am not sure she was kind telling you in the middle of church; not like you could strip off and shower, so you would feel self conscious while in God's House.

But I'm sure you already know about hygiene so it was most likely a fluke with an old top that needs to go in the bin.

Thank you for this thread OP. I hope you’ve had some useful responses - I’ve found some suggestions really helpful as I have a family relative who has an unpleasant smell and I think it may be his clothes.

I used to have a friend who emitted the odours of whatever she ate for about 24 hours after. Even one small glass of wine and she’d smell like she’d drunk the whole bottle.

She was a hairdresser working so kept curries and alcohol as her early weekend treats.

She used to eat oranges during the week as it gave her a more acceptable personal scent.