I've just been told that I smell. How do I cope with the shame? How do I retrieve my dignity?

[MalodorousAndMortified]

She told me that I sometimes smell, as in sweaty and farty. She really is the kindest woman imaginable, and she absolutely could not have been more discrete or sympathetic in the manner in which she explained this to me. But she is also the wife of the minister as my church, and so was likely telling me what a number of people were thinking but didn't dare say.

I'm heading into menopause and have another few health issues which might account for the smell, and I'm prepared to acknowledge that I got out of the habit of wearing deodorant whilst Shielding and WFH during lockdown. But I just feel now such a sense of crushingly mortifying shame that I don't know how to move on from. I can't disappear from the church because my whole family is there, but if it was up to me I would never set foot in the place again. Aside from always making sure I am scrupulously and meticulously clean and hygienic every time I leave the house, like, how do I move on from this? How do I retrieve or regain my dignity?

Don't use shower gel!! Use soap OP.

I'm a really smelly person despite showering daily......my tips are get rid of shower gel, use soap. Especially scrub armpits well.

Use medicated talc in crevices, under boobs bumcrack etc.

Deodorant everywhere, I use Mitcham roll on. Even my overhang gets deodorised.

Shower at night and put deodorant on then. I find if.I cba in the morning at least I'm already done, I just use the talc and have a.good wash. It's definitely improved things. I also wear clean clothes daily, I won't even rewear jeans.

Also if you have the hanging gardens of babylon between your legs trim the.bush back, mine used to be half way to my knees and whilst I don't shave because I'm too lazy I do trim the longer hairs that were catching wee and causing a stinky fanjo.

Oh wow you poor thing. You’ll be ok but make sure you wash or febreeze coats shoes, jackets etc. And hot wash with good soap on all clothes. If you haven’t been using deodorant for a long time then a lot of your clothes will probably smell a bit too!

Don't stress about it. Just tidy yourself up and carry on.

Try not to worry too much. One of my pupils told me my breath stank a few months ago. (it did as I had a lot of stress and kept getting a very dry mouth).

My mum and her house have a very distinct musty smell which gets on everything when she comes to mine. Even bags etc. I can put my finger on it but can't tell her as she's very defensive and will probably start crying.

Sometimes clothes can retain a sweaty smell. I noticed this about some of my gym clothes and is wash them in a sports wash detergent.

You know now op and although it’s embarrassing, you can make the necessary changes. Daily showers (in the morning), deodorant and clean clothes. If you do get extra sweaty then a deodorant like Mitchum will
help.

Head held high op!

That's what I've been trying to say!😄

Easy enough 👌

Detol soap bars are amazing.
sailor shower yourself- wet body, shower off, lather everywhere from foot to neck, scrub with flannel or scrubby wash cloth, rinse off. Same for feet, add few drops of tea tree oil to shower and put in the plug to make a foot soak if you can.
shave body hair to avoid any lingering smell.
wash hair frequently
use a clean and dry towel, dry toes and body properly. Wash body cloths and towels weekly.
brush, floss, mouthwash and gargle twice a day
use stick or spray deodorant
powder in socks
leave shoes to air in porch or by the door
wash before bed
clean fresh pjs and bedding each week
duvets and pillows cleaned every 3 months
hoover mattress monthly
ensure your home is ventilated enough so a musty smell can’t linger
when laundering clothes, use rinse cycle first with some tea tree oil in rinse drawer compartment
use a good biological (I like smol green ones x2 per wash) and wash then hang or tumble asap so no smell develops on clothes from damp drying
you can solve this and baby steps will help
if you have sweating issues Botox can help

I think anyone would be mortified, but good of you to accept and ask for advice rather than get arsey and defensive, which most people would tbh.

Have you got a poor sense of smell yourself? I don't shower daily, but I put this down to wearing Mitchum deodorant and I genuinely don't get sweaty (unless it's a heatwave then I shower twice a day). I really recommend Mitchum roll on (not the spray) then if you forget, it will still work. It says 48 hours, but I've never smelt BO when wearing it, and have occasionally gone longer without showering such as festivals. I DO smell BO on myself on the odd occasion I use a different brand if I don't shower and reapply at least once a day, so it really works well if you are forgetful. I recently forgot to put deodorant on after a shower when I was in a rush to get a taxi for an event at work. I realised to my horror once arriving and casually confided to a colleague who came to my rescue and managed to find me someone who had a spray on to let me use. I know I would have smelt if I hadn't found any, if you are out of the habit of wearing deodorant, then yes, you must smell. Can you not smell it on yourself?

Like the lovely ladies commented above, make sure your clothes and body are clean, wear a good deodorant and fresh perfume. Fresh as in fresh smelling. Avoid Musk perfumes as to some people they smell like BO. Also very strong perfumes as some people are allergic or get headaches. Regarding the farty comment, unless you did fart around other people, it might mean musky smell. If the washing and the deodorant won't fix the issue, it might be a hormonal problem. My sister's armpits used to stink all her tops, she was a teenager that washed and used deodorant. It turned out to be thyroid imbalance. Same for my high-school classmate. If other people have noticed, they'll move on as soon as the situation improves and someone starts a new gossip. Best of luck!

Actually, perimenopause is known, medically, to cause changes in smell /bodily odours. Washing every day will help general hygiene but it is recognised that women, at this time, may sometimes need to ramp up the management! I don’t think it’s necessarily fair to say that OP just needs to wash.

If it makes you feel any better - and if you're still reading! - I had a work friend who smelled and we just ignored it cos she was so great. Lost touch for a few years and when we reconnected she no longer smelled. I have NO IDEA who told her or what happened and whilst I'd love to know I can't say I felt any differently towards her smelly or non-smelly cos she's great. I still recommend opting for non-smelly though.

Well no shit Sherlock !! Sometimes ‘just wash’ doesn’t cut it, if there’s a medical problem. I would imagine the OP is already doing this, so sanctimoniously stating the obvious isn’t helpful is it ?

About the social embarrassment, I have been around two separate people recently whose clothes smelt really stale/damp, how clothes do when they haven't been dried quick enough. It was really noticeable. I wondered if people were not drying things in the tumble drier or trying to save money on heating in winter and it had this effect (very easy in the Uk as it's so damp and stuff doesn't just air dry that well except on windy/sunny days).

I have to say though it didn't make me like them any less! I just noticed it. I'd still be friends with them and be sociable. It wasn't offputting so much as odd.

I also have a relation who is from a different part of the world where they don't shave armpit hair and she doesn't wear deodorant and that's more normal there and she does smell, but again, this is fairly irrelevant to how I feel about her.

I think if you do your best, and ask the person who told you if things are better, then no-one will carry this forward into how they feel about you.

Easy enough for you!

Don't worry Op. Stay strong!

I know how you feel, I had a lady I was looking after in care, tell me I smelt of onions! I was mortified, I used roll on deodorant and body sprays, so I didn't think I smelt.
I have to be very careful with what products I use, as I have very sensitive skin, I cannot use spray deodorants, as the irrate my skin, I can use dove, but I tried the one that doesn't leave white marks on your clothes, but after a day or 2 my skin became red and sore, I cannot use heavily scented bath products, as again they set my skin off, I do tend to take my deodorants with me to reapply on my breaks. I don't really know what to suggest, but I thought I would let you know you aren't alone.

So there was something embarrassing that you were unaware of and a kind person told you. Try and see it as in the same league as your skirt being tucked into your knickers or loo roll on your shoe. You'd not have smelled if you knew, and now you do know, you'll fix it. Thank you Mrs Vicar, much obliged!
Oh, and as soon as you fix it, it won't be a thing anyone thinks of again. No one looks at someone and thinks 'There's Gladys who used to smell but doesn't anymore' it'll be forgotten very quickly.

Well I don’t know why you smell but not using deodorant might be one reason, illness or not. Menopause or not.
But having to tell someone that in the past as the person responsible I can tell you that it isn’t easy at all. And it won’t be just that lady that feels you smell. You say she is kind and gentle so I therefore guess she was nominated and didn’t have a choice.
You clearly want to go back to church so I would ensure you change your cleanliness regime in every way and just go back.
You can then ask her in a few weeks if the matter still applies and if all ok then just move on.

It must be embarrassing for you but you have a solution. Wash clothes in biological washing powder, shower before you attend church and buy a deodorant. I.like the Dove dry stick one as it's gentle. Squirt on some perfume too. The smell is probably not you but your clothes as fresh sweat does not smell.

Even if you have smelt at times it doesn’t mean you always have or will!!! Think about it - can you think if someone you’d describe as smelly all the time? I can’t. Its something you might think when you’re stood next to someone but do you think about it the next day? No. Start using deo and treat yourself to some fancy smellies! Then move on. Honestly people won’t care or be thinking about it.. life is busy and complicated and they’re more likely thinking about their kids/jobs/money/divorce/holiday etc etc xo

I had a smelly time of it during menopause, sweating from places I never knew I could but particularly under boobs and it smelt bad. I absolutely had to put on a clean bra every day after years of wearing the same one 2 days running and probably could have gone longer as it didn't smell. Then they started reeling of sweat after a days wear.
The good news is that age 58 these problems have gone for me.
I think it was kind of her to tell you, I'm sure she found it very difficult to broach the subject. She's done you a big favour as now you can take steps to stop it being an issue.

Anyway better a sweaty smell than stale urine.

Please don't beat yourself up over this.

Like @Lindyloo23 above, I was once nominated to tell a young lad who'd joined my team at work, that he smelt very strongly and was making it hard for for the people working in close contact with him, to concentrate. I can't remember now - this was in the 80's - exactly what I said, but I promise you none of us disliked him for it - he was a really nice lad, just hadn't been told how to keep himself fresh as he was growing up. (I never did get up the nerve to tell him that chewing with his mouth wide open was as off-putting as having root canal work ...)

I am so sorry you are feeling that way. But don't let it affect you in anyway. We all are humans . We all sweat, we all smell. Now that you are aware you can try using different methods to control the body odour like a deodorant or a nice perfume after shower, go back to the place with full confidence . There might be other people smelling there too. You aren’t the only one in this world who might have smelled . We all do.