I've just been told that I smell. How do I cope with the shame? How do I retrieve my dignity?

[MalodorousAndMortified]

She told me that I sometimes smell, as in sweaty and farty. She really is the kindest woman imaginable, and she absolutely could not have been more discrete or sympathetic in the manner in which she explained this to me. But she is also the wife of the minister as my church, and so was likely telling me what a number of people were thinking but didn't dare say.

I'm heading into menopause and have another few health issues which might account for the smell, and I'm prepared to acknowledge that I got out of the habit of wearing deodorant whilst Shielding and WFH during lockdown. But I just feel now such a sense of crushingly mortifying shame that I don't know how to move on from. I can't disappear from the church because my whole family is there, but if it was up to me I would never set foot in the place again. Aside from always making sure I am scrupulously and meticulously clean and hygienic every time I leave the house, like, how do I move on from this? How do I retrieve or regain my dignity?

Some people sweat more than others.. I am a sweaty person so was using Mitchum and it seemed good but I could still smell sweat later in day :( so am a shower in morning and evening type. But swapped to wild deodorant a while ago and the difference is amazing. No sweaty smell in arm pits AT ALL all day!!! And I am sweating no more than I did when using an anti perspirant. Def give it a go
Pits smell fresh/lovely all day long. I'm not on commission 😆
Clothes wise is use a laundry egg and also use the laundry disinfectant stuff (home bargains etc sell it) Got it for my son's PE kits but it's brilliant. That and some fairy aroma pellet things and no more sweaty smelling clothes either:)

Ooh! I'm not being childish! I'm going through Perimenopause and lots more. I'm too old to be told that I smell! And too old to be told that I'm childish. Foolish woman!

I sort of recommend not showering every day. I think that Calendula talc might help. Good luck Op. xx

I am ASD and spend my life in a state of mortifying shame about having said the wrong thing, looked out of place, just generally just not blending in as I wish I could. I know though that other people are far more interested in their own lives and forget very quickly all the things that prey on my mind for literally years. They will have no memory of it in a few weeks, I promise you. And even if they do, which would probably only happen if someone jogged their memory, it would be very sympathetically.

I once worked with someone who was smelly & our boss had to chat with him about it. The thing is, we all liked him, just not the fact that he smelled. After our boss spoke to him, he sorted himself out and we all forgot about it. It was fine.

Is there someone else close to you who you could ask if they feel there is also a problem? She sounds like a very kind lady who has tried to help but there are certain people (like my MIL) who have the sense of smell of a sniffer dog so it may well be nobody else has noticed. The best way you can face the “shame” is to check if there is a problem, resolve it and whack a great big smile on your face

It's almost always clothes, OP, in my experience. I think in this weather especially most things really need to be washed after one wear. If you wear clean clothes every day, use deodorant/anti-perspirant and shower semi-regularly you're very unlikely to smell. You've nothing to be ashamed of, humans are designed to stink a bit - we've just got so used to masking it that we're all very sensitive to other people's smells now.

Have a look for Fresh Linen Essential Oils. Everything smells lovely after a sprinkling!

2nd vote for wild deodorant- it has no aluminium in it and its the only natural deodorant I've found that genuinely works!

OP- also agree with using soap and a flannel to wash as friction from the flannel helps to thoroughly remove bacteria.

I get its embarrassing but think of it this way- you admit you dont wear deodorant and everyone would smell of stale sweat if they didnt so the solution is pretty simple and universal for us all. Yes, I know some people claim not to need deodorant but the people I have encountered who have said that do in fact smell of BO, they just cant smell it themselves

I mentioned in my response about the smell remaining in your clothes, and it's something you really need to be aware of. Some clothes smell fine right after they are washed, but the heat of your body brings the B.O. smell right back out, and it doesn't matter what you wash them with. The smell is permanent.

If I were you, I would take this opportunity to buy some new tops if you can and get rid of your old things.

As in your whole biological or figurative family? If the former can you ask them if they've noticed any smell

Yes please listen to this!

You are going to be overthinking this whereas she wouldn’t have given it a second thought and she’d just be doing what she’d want doing to her if the tables were turned.

She was just being a good friend and giving you a heads up.

Of course it’s a delicate subject but if you saw your friend with a rip in their trousers or bird poo in their hair then you would tell them.

Try not to worry about it, take her advice and make some changes. Get into the routine of self-care (up/washed/teeth brushed/deodorant on/dressed) etc. If you struggle to build a new routine, try making a simple chart and tick it off every day until you get into the habit of doing it without thinking. You could do the same with doing clothes washing on a particular day a week and washing your bed sheets weekly etc.

Nobody will be giving it any thought and once you are back smelling fresh and clean it won't be mentioned again :-)

Interesting about wild deodorant, I used it for a few months and loved the smell but it just didn't stand up to exercise for me and I didn't like the sweat stains that inevitably developed on my clothes. Mitchum for me!

Hi. I'm peri and omg have I started to sweat more. I have to wear a cream wipe-on deodorant under arms and under boobs (the shame) or I stink by lunchtime. Clothes have to be fresh everyday and sometimes change my underwear twice a day.

Hi Op,

I'm allergic to perfume. You might have the same allergy. Try essential oils, mixed with almond oil. Use it instead of perfume.

Use Witch Hazel on your arm pits. Don't worry. xx 🙂

Are you getting your clothes straight on to dry as soon as the wash finishes as well? Some people just smell damp, and you can tell that they leave their load in the washer for a while before getting it out to dry.

This might have already been addressed but if your whole family is there, not one of them - even perhaps among the younger children who aren't known for their tact even so much as hinted that you smell? And if you've always smelled in church then presumably then you've always smelled elsewhere you go and nobody has even suggested to you or your partner or kid in any other environment that you're a bit smelly?

Openess reduces shame, secrecy grows it. Go to church, approach her and thank her for what she told you, and tell her that you are taking some steps to address it. Tell someone else that you had let your self care slip a bit and now you are addressing it. Good luck.

Dont dwell on it. Be grateful this lovely person told you and do as youve said.

if it was me, I'd go about my day smelling of the loveliest perfume possible - not overpowering but a pretty smell - I love Eden by Cacheral. It's cheap and is such a pretty smell.

Good luck OP.

@BeverlyHa
nonsense
most people wanna know if they smell
she was doing op a favour

Even though it hurts it was lovely of her to tell you and it couldn't have been nice for her to tell you, just have a wash and put on some spray and it'll soon be forgotten about. That is what you call a caring person that's told you.

I agree with you it's better being told rather than having people take the per behind your back

@Happytalky

no one is too old to be told they smell
if they smell they smell and therefore should be told so that they can do something about it

Ok. Carry on!

If you’ve implemented the changes, then you don’t need to do anything else! Carry on going to church as normal, and interacting with people as you did before.

Honestly, she will be feeling worse than you - it’s an awkward conversation. But it’s done now, and you have NO reason to feel embarrassed, I promise you.

Don’t hide away and cry. Take your new, clean body and clothes wherever you want to!