I've just been told that I smell. How do I cope with the shame? How do I retrieve my dignity?

[MalodorousAndMortified]

She told me that I sometimes smell, as in sweaty and farty. She really is the kindest woman imaginable, and she absolutely could not have been more discrete or sympathetic in the manner in which she explained this to me. But she is also the wife of the minister as my church, and so was likely telling me what a number of people were thinking but didn't dare say.

I'm heading into menopause and have another few health issues which might account for the smell, and I'm prepared to acknowledge that I got out of the habit of wearing deodorant whilst Shielding and WFH during lockdown. But I just feel now such a sense of crushingly mortifying shame that I don't know how to move on from. I can't disappear from the church because my whole family is there, but if it was up to me I would never set foot in the place again. Aside from always making sure I am scrupulously and meticulously clean and hygienic every time I leave the house, like, how do I move on from this? How do I retrieve or regain my dignity?

Mortifying for you, I understand, but be grateful you have been informed and so kindly. Not sure how you thought you could get by without wearing deodorant though!
Change your routines, see a doctor or take something for the flatulence, look on this as a second chance. Ask the minster's wife if she sees a change (don't say 'improvement' or anything that sounds like you are putting yourself down).
No-one will remember soon!

I know someone who washes regularly but doesn't wear deoderant and they do smell a lot more sweaty than people who do wear it. Hopefully it is just that you need to wear deoderant.

Do you have a husband or partner who can sniff at you regularly? The smell she described didn't sound like just sweat, it could be a health issue or a side effect of a medication, or it could be a food that you eat that causes a scent to come out of your pores (like garlic). Maybe there is a pattern to the smell that can help you find the cause.

You don't know that OP doesn't wash! Could be medical issues - thought he lack of deodorant will definitely mean body smells stick to clothing too.

Apart from regular washing and antiperspirant, make sure you wash your clothes properly so there are no lingering smells in the fabric -use something like Vanish Odour Blaster. Then style it out - it sounds like she has told you with kindness and, if you act on what she has told you, it will soon be forgotten.

If you have trouble with wind I believe charcoal tablets help.
Don’t forget your teeth, floss and brush.

Good hygiene from now on and it will be fine.

Bar soap for armpits (shower gel on its own is not enough)

A good deodorant like Mitchum (use roll on followed by spray if you want to feel super confident)

Wash your clothes you have worn while sweaty at least twice, really make sure they are clean as sweat really soaks in to clothes. Or view this as a good time to buy a new wardrobe.

I really wouldn’t worry too much about what people think, just brazen it out. Should anyone ever question it you could just say “oh I was trying a new deodorant- so expensive but turned out to be useless!”

Some people DO but everyone's interpretation and what they've been taught is different. Not everyone grew up in a house with a clean safe area to wash in and parents that taught hygiene

Wash - with what? There's a difference between washing with shower gel just your upper half and letting the soap run over your feet. Or using soap and washing every part of your body with a flannel

Deodorant - that's just a scent. You need antiperspirant and not everyone knows the difference and it's variable which work

How mortifying, but as someone who has had this conversation more times than I can count I guarantee that once you have sorted it not a single person will remember or care.
Treat yourself to some nice soap and cheap Ian perfume that you can drench yourself in after a shower.

Recently I've found I started to smell - so I started using perspirex after a shower before bed. Use proper soap in the shower and if it's your clothes that smell a bit musty then wash with anti bac laundry liquid or try bio washing detergent.

Someone took time out to tell you kindly, they obviously didn't want to hurt your feelings and want you around. You don't need to disappear from society. You're obviously valued.

Ffs. Stand in shower. Wash with soap or gel. Stop making it a thing

every time my DH goes to the US he brings me piles of Gold Dial Soap. It’s amazing for my infected eczema. The best you can get in the UK is SHIELD bar soap,

also when you wash your clothes I add a capful of any zoflora or equivalent ( Home Bargains) in every wash I do as I have teenagers

I'm glad your friend told you in a kind way. There was a similar thread on this - I think the key things were: dettol soap; exfoliation (e.g. a flannel) and Mitchum triple defence antiperspirant.

I also do a hot wash for bedding (60) and for any clothes that have body odour.

The points about clothes are good ones. I had the odd t shirt that even when fresh on after washing would smell like old onions as soon as it warmed up. I ended up buying some antibacterial wash add in (like the Dettol stuff but I bought from Lidl) and I use that if anything is getting like that.

Check that your clothes aren’t harbouring old sweatiness. No amount of washing will get rid of the sweat smell once it’s embedded in the fabric. Always happens with t shirts with me and they have to be chucked.

Despite being super clean, my DS’s school shirts used to smell of BO when I ironed them. I had to Chuck them as no amount of stuff shifted it.

@MalodorousAndMortified please try not to get upset over this, as mortifying as it is. Some health conditions can cause body odour, such as liver problems and gallstones. I too don't use any deodourant as it's not good for us, so instead I just rub some coconut oil under my arms after my daily shower. I only smell if I forget to do this.

I hope you get your health back on track but in the meantime, I'd actually go back to the woman and let her know that you do actually have a health condition which causes odour (even if this isn't the case), and let her know that you were upset about being told this but that you'll try your best to mask it with deodourant (or coconut oil etc.). That will then hopefully make her and others feel a bit guilty about shaming you.

Anything hard, I think brazen it out. So just imagine this is a play, and your role is to pretend it never happened. So take on board what you need too, but that conversation? It never happened. Never. So go to church and tell yourself it was a dream, or she said to a friend. Go in with your head high. It never happened.

Nobody will care if the smell isn’t there anymore. I used to work with a really nice lady but her washing machine was broken for a while and she started to smell. I still thought of her as a nice lady but avoided her because of the smell. Once it had gone it was fine. It’s a good thing that you are wanting to do something about it - some people just bury their heads in the sand or don’t care.

Everything fades, including shame. She did a kind thing telling you and when the problem is rectified people will forget about it. They’ve got their own problems.

@DyslexicPoster good advice - I like it.

There's a few more tips on the NHS website.

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/body-odour-bo/

Most have been covered here. The ones that haven't

• wash your armpits, groin and feet at least twice a day with soap and dry thoroughly

• shave your armpits regularly

• wear natural fabrics like cotton, wool and silk

• wear antibacterial socks

• Avoid strong smelling or spicy food and don't drink too much coffee or alcohol

As a manager I have had to have these talks with employees. I promise you OP it was just as terrible for her. All you can do is move forward. Although I don't understand why lockdown made you stop wearing deodorant. Shielding or not hygiene is non negotiable

It's actually really good news. She's not said people don't like you, or you're bad tempered.

She's said that you've got a bit nose blind and haven't been washing things often enough.

Could be covid, could be lack of getting out and about.

But it's very manageable.

Do you have a chronic fatigue type illness? I do, and washing is exhausting. I have various strategies for a less exhausting life. Can discuss if you think it would help.

Awww, please don't worry at all. I hardly believe you are the only one who stopped wearing deodorant during and since the pandemic! We all did. Personally, I shower every day, sometimes twice because I might work out that day. But We all smell and It means we are completely human. If it helps, I use Sure for Women, it's amazing and smells fresh. I always use the ones that have a fresh or citrus fragrance :) Also, in the bath use bath bombs from Lush and soak yourself into a luxurious hot bath for a good while. If you have a good budget, you can try L'occitane products. The Almond body scrub is amazing and use their Almond body oil right after. The key is to just go back into church with pride and a smile. I am certain they will all forget about it and someone else will be their next concern hehe.

@stardust777 , shave your armpits?
does that mean that men are all smelly? Or they have a different type if sweat that doesn’t require shaving?

Some advice is …