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I've just been told that I smell. How do I cope with the shame? How do I retrieve my dignity?

366 replies

MalodorousAndMortified · 05/07/2023 21:26

She told me that I sometimes smell, as in sweaty and farty. She really is the kindest woman imaginable, and she absolutely could not have been more discrete or sympathetic in the manner in which she explained this to me. But she is also the wife of the minister as my church, and so was likely telling me what a number of people were thinking but didn't dare say.

I'm heading into menopause and have another few health issues which might account for the smell, and I'm prepared to acknowledge that I got out of the habit of wearing deodorant whilst Shielding and WFH during lockdown. But I just feel now such a sense of crushingly mortifying shame that I don't know how to move on from. I can't disappear from the church because my whole family is there, but if it was up to me I would never set foot in the place again. Aside from always making sure I am scrupulously and meticulously clean and hygienic every time I leave the house, like, how do I move on from this? How do I retrieve or regain my dignity?

OP posts:
Florabeebaby · 05/07/2023 21:30

We all smell sometimes, we're all just human...I swear by Mitchum rollon, works wonders.

Augend23 · 05/07/2023 21:30

Oh gosh OP. I can see why you feel so worried.

If it helps, if you hadn't smelt for the whole time I had known you, and then it stopped again I would probably have assumed it was some kind of dreadful (as in, crikey how dreadful for you, rather tha necessarily serious) / weird medical thing and then dismissed it from my mind. And indeed that sounds like it is what it may well be.

Changingplace · 05/07/2023 21:31

I think as she told you in a very gentle way she is actually a very kind person, I totally get that you’re embarrassed and it’s not a nice thing to be told but at least now you can do something about it, and start looking after yourself.

Don't dwell on it, but accept that it’s something that actually must’ve been very difficult for her to broach but something you can act on in a positive way.

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Littlemissprosecco · 05/07/2023 21:31

If no one else has mentioned it, it might just be her.
Just start with hugely improved hygiene, and act as if nothin had happened.
I assume the conversation was private? I which case, just one subtle thanks would be enough.
Assume no one else has noticed. She may just have an over sensitive nose.

tortiecat · 05/07/2023 21:32

It's understandable that you feel upset and mortified - and I'm sorry, it must have been a hard thing to hear. As I've said on here many a time:
"those who matter don't mind; and those who mind don't matter". You're going to address the situation going forward and so all will be well.

Careerdilemma · 05/07/2023 21:32

You poor love, I imagine that's very upsetting.

If you've not been using deodorant it may be your clothes rather than you that smell. Try wearing your clothes for a good few hours and the sniffing the arm pits, that's when you can normally tell when your body heat warms them up. Whack them in the washing machine with a cup of vinegar and do a cycle with no liquid, as hot as care labels allow. Then wash again with biological washing powder.

Failing that make a paste of bicarb and water and paint inside armpits. Leave to stand a few hours, then put on rinse then wash with bio.

I think in your position I'd have a fabulous makeover to boost my confidence and style it out.

wildfirewonder · 05/07/2023 21:33

It is good she told you. Also it is good that this is resolvable.

You just have to brazen it out. The period of your life where you smelt is firmly in the past now and you have to look forwards.

Lesina · 05/07/2023 21:33

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wildfirewonder · 05/07/2023 21:33

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No shit Sherlock.

Luckydip1 · 05/07/2023 21:34

I would appreciate the advice and accept it and go all out, wash your clothes frequently, take a shower every morning, use deodorant and scent.

Otherlover · 05/07/2023 21:35

No big deal, soon enough they will have forgotten your bad smell. Everyone stinks if they boycott soap and water long enough. In a month it will be nothing.

ScottishBeth · 05/07/2023 21:36

An old friend of mine smells fairly often. It isn't pleasant but I don't think of it as a big deal. It's not the first thing I think about when I think of her or anything. I am just telling you this because I imagine you're thinking that all anyone can think about when talking to you is this, but that's probably not the case. You're also interesting/kind/funny/clever/whatever appropriate thing.

Absolutely think about your hygiene but don't make it bigger than that.

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/07/2023 21:36

I got out of the habit of wearing deodorant whilst Shielding and WFH

'Fresh' sweat doesn't typically smell terrible. It's stale sweat and old sweat on clothes that does. Always wear clean clothes for church and wash in the morning and you'll be fine.

If it helps, and she is a lovely person, and you an an empathetic person, think of it this way: She probably feels awful saying something and just wants everything to be OK. So your job, should you choose to accept it, is to be utterly lovely to HER so she feels better about it. Smile and be kind to her. It will have the knock on effect of making you feel better!

PixellatedPixie · 05/07/2023 21:37

It couldn’t have been that you’ve been smelling bad for ages and ages or else she would’ve told you sooner!

Theos · 05/07/2023 21:37

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DustyLee123 · 05/07/2023 21:37

Coats smell when they’ve been repeatedly wet and dried, so have a sniff of your coats/jackets.

DustyLee123 · 05/07/2023 21:39

Get some biological powder for your clothes. And wash with soap before using a good deodrant.

ohwhatafunday · 05/07/2023 21:39

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Where has the OP said she doesn't wash?

Maddy70 · 05/07/2023 21:39

OK. I'm glad she told you. And you will be too once you get over the embarrassment

Shower using shower gel and put on anti perspirant

Clean clothes from Inside out everyday, use panty liners and change twice during the day

Wash bedding once a week

brawhen · 05/07/2023 21:41

Either only she has noticed, in which case she cares enough to tell you, and has down so kindly. Or, more people have noticed and they have wanted to find a way to tell you kindly and they have done so. Either way, they have done this with love.

It sounds like you know the practicals? (Wash with soap (not shower gel) and give a good rub over armpits, crotch, between toes. Wash clothes with a bio detergent and if needed put a bit of zoflora or dettol in the rinse, air your house, change your sheets.)

What will happen is that you will work on it a bit and will almost certainly solve the problem. Some (most?) people won't even notice - because they will forget that it was a thing and won't notice the issue just going away. So don't worry about them!

You can pass the love on by a kindness to someone else sometime in the future. Don't think of it as anything other than an intended kindness.

Good luck 💐

DustyLee123 · 05/07/2023 21:41

Don’t use shower gel, proper soap is best. And a flannel is good for a good scrub.

doingthehokeykokey · 05/07/2023 21:41

I’d think about your clothes. My FIL always showers but can sometimes smelly very sweaty and a bit smelly and it’s because he’ll wear the same thing as he feels it’s still clean. It might not have his dinner down it, but it def smells.

The woman was being kind and I’m certain she will move on. You should too. People forget quickly.

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/07/2023 21:41

DustyLee123 · 05/07/2023 21:39

Get some biological powder for your clothes. And wash with soap before using a good deodrant.

This is good advice! Soap all the way, my grandmother was right!

Sunnydaysarentagiveneveninjuly · 05/07/2023 21:41

Clean body.
Clean clothes.
Clean bedding.
Extra fragrant washing powder and softener.. I work for a woman who hasn't had a proper shower in a year... Grim. Absolutely vile smell.
Be very thankful that now you know op.

BatshitIsTheOnlyExplanation · 05/07/2023 21:41

What about the 'farty' bit? Is she just being mean?

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