I've just been told that I smell. How do I cope with the shame? How do I retrieve my dignity?

[MalodorousAndMortified]

She told me that I sometimes smell, as in sweaty and farty. She really is the kindest woman imaginable, and she absolutely could not have been more discrete or sympathetic in the manner in which she explained this to me. But she is also the wife of the minister as my church, and so was likely telling me what a number of people were thinking but didn't dare say.

I'm heading into menopause and have another few health issues which might account for the smell, and I'm prepared to acknowledge that I got out of the habit of wearing deodorant whilst Shielding and WFH during lockdown. But I just feel now such a sense of crushingly mortifying shame that I don't know how to move on from. I can't disappear from the church because my whole family is there, but if it was up to me I would never set foot in the place again. Aside from always making sure I am scrupulously and meticulously clean and hygienic every time I leave the house, like, how do I move on from this? How do I retrieve or regain my dignity?

It is embarrassing but only for a moment. You can solve this and it will never be embarrassing again. Much better to have a moment's shame than to continue with a problem you didn't know you had, that makes other people uncomfortable.

As long as you don't have housing problems, then you can solve this issue in 24 hours. Wash your bedding, towels and PJs and dry them. Then have a really good shower or bath, thoroughly wash all the body parts that typically get smelly and wash your hair thoroughly too, giving it a good, gentle scalp massage. Dry with a clean towel. Put on clean PJs.

Wash all the clothes you wear most often on a hot wash with a bit more soap than usual. Dry them and hang them in a room that is well aired. Leave windows open a crack and wardrobe doors open a little too.

From now on, have a quick shower every day, wash your hair twice a week and rotate clothing, wear it, then air it. Wash tops after 2-3 wears depending on whether you got sweaty, and trousers and skirts after a few wears or whenever they are dirty.

Get into the habit of good dental hygiene too - clean your teeth for 2 mins twice a day, use floss or dental brushes and mouthwash if you need it.

Maybe treat yourself to some fresh scent too. There are some lovely ones in Zara for only £12. But never use it to mask stale sweat or unwashed body or clothes. Put it on fresh from the shower. I use cheap scent like this instead of deo as the high alcohol content kills bacteria and it just smells nicer than most deodorants that seem to smell sour after a couple of hours.

Oh no! That sounds like a mortifying experience.

The only advice I can give is to do something nice for yourself, even if it's just to smile at your reflection in the mirror while reminding yourself that you deserve to look and smell good.

Do you still have the clothes you wore when you were wfh and maybe not in a good place? It's very possible that they are still a bit whiffy from that time.

I'd be tempted to buy some new clothes.

I'd also try a cleaning cycle for your washing machine.

Once you stop smelling no one will remember, though I can understand its mortifying at the time.

I have had to deal with this as a manager and as a friend, and this is what I have learned:
-Don't over wear clothes. Change underwear and stuff close to your skin daily.
-Air stuff out if its relatively clean and hard to wash eg dry clean only clothes. gives clothes and shoes a 'break' from being worn to breathe and air out
-Dry clothes quickly as possible: stuff left in the machine or hanging around damp will smell awful and a bit 'catty'. This can be tricky but worth managing.
-Polyester and other manmade fabrics hang onto smells like nothing else so wear natural fibres if possible.
-Wash man made fabric with bio powder on the right prog if your skin can stand it
-Unwashed hair smells rank because the oil retains smells and its near peoples faces- keep your hair clean.
-Deodorant is fine is you find one that suits you, but anti perspirant may suit you better
-Clean bedding and towels - you wrap yourself in this every night or after every wash so any smells will transfer. Don't share if possible and wash at least once a week.
-Short shower every day if possible, or similar - but soap only really needed for armpits and behind. water and a flannel is ok if you have to strip wash
-Clean your teeth twice a day and floss/use interdental brushes. Also gargle water if you worry about your breath
-Eat properly and regularly, keep your bowels on an even keel, and don't eat stuff that disagrees with you.
-Don't try and mask smells with perfumes, as this makes horrid smells much worse.

Remember we all lost a bit of ourselves a bit of our social selves in lockdown, such things as our habitual manners, tolerance for others, patience, clothes sense, sanity, personal hygiene, diet, timekeeping etc. being a bit menopausal and smelly may be one of the most easily remedied of the characteristics exposed.

I had the same with my manager. Someone must have spoken to her about it because she changed more or less overnight. After a month, nobody even remembered there had ever been a problem.

If you haven't noticed anyone moving away or looking at you and quickly looking away, then if a group of them have discussed it with the ministers wife, they have have done a good job of covering up how they feel.

They will now k ow you've been told and will carry on like before as if nothing has happened.

There is no need to worry as you clearly haven't noticed anyone behaving as if they want to get away from you, so it's more likely that it's the ministers wife who has noticed and addressed the issue with you.

Someone doesn't get it. Not that simple for all of us. FFS learn some empathy, think outside your experience. Stop making people feel worse.

MIL is in her 90s and hasn't had a shower or bath for 20 years. She strip washes every night and washes her hair in the basin. She never smells.

I do wonder if menopause is an issue? I'm out the other side and one of the benefits is that I am far less smelly than when I had hormones! But perimenopause was an extra hormonal time for me, so maybe that can increase the tendency to be whiffy?

But now you have someone you can talk to about this. Try all the suggestions above - and ask the minister's wife 'how do I smell today'? Hopefully you'll work out what the cause is - do you need to wash more? Is it your clothes? Are you using a decent anti-perspirant? (Mitchum is good as suggested earlier. Make sure it's an anti perspirant and not just labelled 'deodorant').

Honestly - once you fix the problem, anyone who may once have noticed it will totally forget. It doesn't define you. Please don't be embarrassed.

MAKE SURE YOU WASH AND CHANGE YOUR CLOTHES REGULARLY

Most people who smell are smelly because their clothes aren't clean not because they aren't.

Clothes hold sweat and dirt and you need to wash clothes on a hot enough setting (at least 40 degrees) with a biological detergent to get out deeply ingrained smells like sweat, urine, blood etc.

Reaching out to you...I was very conscious of 'smelling' when I was going through menopause. It was nothing to do with scrubbing pits, showering daily, excessive deodorant.... it was my gut.

All sorted since I now take probiotics, peppermint capsules, dietary changes.
Good luck my love xx

Like a pp I’d assume it was something medical that had now resolved, so don’t dwell on it.
Do check your clothes though asa they might harbour some BO. White vinegar in a wash will sort that and not harm your clothes.

Honestly @MalodorousAndMortified the menopause can do weird things! Before I was fine with the eco friendly Wild brand, then the hormone nonsense started and it wasn’t coping at all well! Really pongy 😂 . Switched to Mitchum extra strength job and it’s the only one I can use now.
sounds like your friend was discreet and mindful of your feelings, so please be kind to yourself. Have the extra shower, treat yourself to some deodorant, hold your head high and strut right into church 💪💪💪

This is a super post. It covers everything.

Drying clothes is a big one. If they get put away damp they can smell very bad. Have an uncle in a block of flats without a tumble drier who had this issue. Bought him a heated airer to ensure they could dry properly.

This.

I struggle with hygiene, and I know plenty of ND people that do too. And if we do wash, we keep wearing the same comforting (and now smelly) clothing.

Put your washing machine on a service wash. Clean out the rubber door seals of the washing machine and pull out the drawer to clean it and remove mould.

Wash daily

Use anti perspirant.

Never wear clothes twice.

Wash clothes soon after wearing them (don’t leave them to fester for a week in the washing basket)

Wear a light scent.

Also:

Wash your towels frequently at 60+

Change bed linen fortnightly

Wash your hair at least every other day

Go to the dentist for a check up and clean.

😊

In terms of preventing / minimising odours related to clothes , cotton fabrics are better than synthetic clothes like polyester and nylon. Maybe go through your clothes and check that they don't already smell like at the armpits before putting them on - if they do they're probably for the textile recycling bin unfortunately.

Another vote for mitchum

OP church's are toxic, without the odd hygiene issue! Just buckle up...don the deodorant and hygiene routine and rock up to mass as normal...someone else will be the point of gossip next week...trust me...keep smiling x

I was a bit younger than you when my line manager took me aside and told me the same thing. I was mortified.

I cried all night. The next day I picked myself up, had a good wash, upped my laundry game and now it's all in the dim and distant past.

Take this as a learning opportunity. As soon as you smell fresh again everyone will forget it. Bar soap is your friend here. Also ignore all the 30 degree washing bullshit. If you are prone to sweatiness / BO etc you need a 40 degree wash. I also add a little splash of Zoflora Linen Fresh to the fabric conditioner department.

Use real soap, not shower gel. It really makes a difference.

Mitchum ultra cream deodorant,shower or bath daily,use old fashioned proper soap like imperial leather or Palmolive (not dove) and lastly clean freshly washed clothes (wear only once) and start wearing a nice floral perfume.
And don't feel ashamed just make a effort to change your habits

Or a nice body spray, obviously in conjunction with good daily washing habits as per tips above.

Loads of good tips on here and as has also been said people won’t even remember if they smelled you before if not again. I do wonder about the farty smell though? What’s that about?

Thank You! We most certainly did not all stop! How grim!