I've just been told that I smell. How do I cope with the shame? How do I retrieve my dignity?

[MalodorousAndMortified]

She told me that I sometimes smell, as in sweaty and farty. She really is the kindest woman imaginable, and she absolutely could not have been more discrete or sympathetic in the manner in which she explained this to me. But she is also the wife of the minister as my church, and so was likely telling me what a number of people were thinking but didn't dare say.

I'm heading into menopause and have another few health issues which might account for the smell, and I'm prepared to acknowledge that I got out of the habit of wearing deodorant whilst Shielding and WFH during lockdown. But I just feel now such a sense of crushingly mortifying shame that I don't know how to move on from. I can't disappear from the church because my whole family is there, but if it was up to me I would never set foot in the place again. Aside from always making sure I am scrupulously and meticulously clean and hygienic every time I leave the house, like, how do I move on from this? How do I retrieve or regain my dignity?

I am sure your church friends want the best for you and are on your side. So, you have no reason at all to feel ashamed. When you address the underlying issues your friends will be so proud of you. If you need to, ask the kind woman who told you for help. Confide in her and let her know how you feel and that you would welcome her support. I'm sure she'll be amenable and flattered that you trust her.

Hello OP. I find that shaving my armpits helps with sweaty smells in the summer or on the tube and when I have been to the gym. And deodorant on those days too but not when I am just sitting at home. We find that our spray on stain remover is also good at removing smells from underarms etc. As we age we can start to smell different so it might be that you are smelling more than you did when you were younger while doing the same thing and haven't realised. I think the woman was trying hard to be gentle and kind. I agree to view it as making a change, rather than 'improvement'. Not the same but everyone was too polite to tell me I had toothpaste on my face for half a morning and I would have preferred it if they had have done.

I thought she might also have IBS, so the smell follows her around. I used to suffer quite badly from IBS and have to be careful about what I eat.

Wash your bedding, your clothes, and yourself. Next week go back to her and thank her. I’d say something like, ‘I’d like to thank you for talking to me last week. I appreciate it; it can’t have been easy. I guess I became a bit slack in lockdown and obviously took it too far!’ That way, you own it, you recognise it, and you recognise and appreciate the support.

I wonder if it’s ingrained in your clothes and you actually need some new clothes.

I’ve known teens whose blazers absolutely reek. They do wash and wear deodorant but their blazer wasn’t washed regularly and by the time someone told them (very nicely) and it was washed, the smell just wouldn’t come out.

If I were you, I’d have wanted to know, although it would be upsetting. A good friend tells you this stuff because they are trying to help you.

Honestly, take action and move on. See if you need some new clothes and replace a few to start with. Wash daily at least and twice daily if needed. Wear deodorant. Change clothes and wash them very regularly and bedding too. Check your washing machine works well.

It’s a project for you. Are there any barriers that are preventing you from doing these things? Sometimes people who are suffering from depression find it hard to motivate themselves to do these things, or other barriers can make life difficult.

Don’t worry about the people at Church or anywhere else you go. In life, we all habe to rub along together and most people are very kind. Your issue can be resolved. Be glad someone has told you and been kind. You could even consider asking them if they might help you deal with the issue. They may well be happy to or know someone who can. You do t have to deal with it alone.

For any clothes with old sweat- spray the pits withs distilled white vinegar and soak for 30 mins. It completely gets rid of the smell 😊

Yes, this.

The other thing to keep in mind is that most people are so wrapped up in themselves, their own thoughts, lives and worries, that even if others are aware it's not going to be high on their radar screens. They've got other things to think about.

One of my colleagues made a major faux pas not long ago and it's not something I think much about when I see her.

Don't worry too much about it. If anyone is mean, that reflects more on them than on you.

How do you move on?
Two things.
(1) Do something about the smell.
(2) Do something to change the internal conversation you are having with yourself.

(1) I’m sure you can sort this.

(2) No one really cares about punishing you or wants to hate you because “you used to smell”.
It’s your ego that’s hurting. Bollock your ego. Have fun with it. “Look at you, silly little ego. We’ve been given a chance to improve the way people feel when they are around us and there you are, trying to make me feel bad about it. Well, I’m not having it; I’m simply going to turn over a new leaf and make more of an effort and you aren’t going to make me feel bad about it.” It sounds mad, but disassociating your true self from the bit of you that judges by talking to yourself like that you is amazingly cathartic!

Fix the issue and don’t dwell on past mistakes.

I have to wear a panty liner (detest the word panty!) and change it midday cos I'm sweaty at work and I deodorise at midday and a little squirt of perfume.

clothes need to be completely dry or you get that musty smell.

If you’ve not been aware of it, how is your sense of smell otherwise? Losing your sense of smell (or taste) can indicate medical problems. Farts and fresh sweat shouldn’t smell particularly bad either, and if they do, that might need to be addressed too. Hormone changes can cause some of these things. It’s not always as straight forward as wash more often.

@QueensBees I cut and paste from the NHS website. It was one of the tips!

Op, can you wash your private parts after going to the loo in order to remove any remaining odor of your reason to be in the bathroom. In my mind toilet tissue just doesn’t work very well. If you have a hand held shower you can give yourself a quick wash with soap and water but it can also be as easy as a squeezy bottle of warm water aimed at your bottom then a wash with soap before rinsing and drying off. The latter is what I do when traveling as I don’t often come across the little shower hose we have attached next to loo where I live. A washed bottom smells far differently to one wiped with loo paper.

Wear natural fibres where possible: cotton or linen (or sometimes bamboo). Synthetics really are the worst for holding on to nasty stinks and you can’t put them on a hot wash either.

You could have a laundry problem rather than a BO problem. Clothes that don’t dry effectively (no garden to dry outdoors, or garden faces north, or you live somewhere like Northern Ireland or the Orkneys where sunshine’s at a premium) often end up smelling damp. Fabric conditioner drawers in washing machines often get mouldy and taint the laundry.

Try not to overthink it now. Menopause is a bitch and can cause you to sweat more, overheat, feel overwhelmed, lose your confidence etc.

This lady sounds lovely and obviously cares enough to tell you discreetly. Now all you have to do is what everyone else on here has suggested. Mitchum is a great deodorant. Maybe give all your coats/bedding/house a bit of a spring clean too xxx

I relate. I scrub my pits with a hemp mitt, it’s almost like I need to exfoliate them to fully get the smell away, particularly if I’ve had a stressful day and my roll-on hasn’t won the battle. I am a proselytiser for dettol anti-bacterial laundry detergent, it goes in with the softener and everything smells like fresh air, helps take the persistently oniony smell out of the underarms of my tops. I was going to say it might be worth having a sniff at your outdoor jackets at well, mine tend to get a bit savoury after a while, especially when I warm up. Agree with what @MrsTerryPratchett said about the woman at church, taking that view seems the best way, sometimes it’s stuff like this that brings people closer, strangely.

Mitchum deodorant. It's been a game changer for me.

Clean tops everyday.

Your saying she's a lovely person, and it seems she has told you, for you.

I can understand how you feel but honestly , no one is thinking about it as much as you are . They all have their own stuff going on, be it relationship, money or health worries . You can take action now you have been told and that's the end of the matter 💐

.Awww, please don't worry at all. I hardly believe you are the only one who stopped wearing deodorant during and since the pandemic! We all did.

We all did? Really?

You could try wearing a light freshly scented body lotion, also drinking plenty of water can help

She told me that I sometimes smell, as in sweaty and farty.

She said you smell 'farty' too?

I didn't stop using it either.

I had a fungal type condition which meant that even directly after showering and drying my skin smelt nasty. No point using perfumed body lotion - that smelt dreadful too. On line research led me to a fungal body wash and since using it my skin smells lovely.

Depending on how much you sweat I've found pitrok brilliant. It doesn't actually stop you sweating but it stops the smell

Sorry to be tactless but she said you smelt farty as well as sweaty??????

If so that's more than a sweat problem. (Also just cannot imagine anyone ever having the guts to tell someone they smell like farts)

Op, imagine you’re someone in the congregation. If a woman smelled a little bit when you saw her and you discussed with other members of the congregation how best to broach the subject, then the next time you saw her onwards she didn’t smell, how long would it take you to forget about it?
For me, it would be moments.
I know it seems monumental to you but to everyone who you think cares, it’s just not. They really won’t be thinking about it.