I've just been told that I smell. How do I cope with the shame? How do I retrieve my dignity?

[MalodorousAndMortified]

She told me that I sometimes smell, as in sweaty and farty. She really is the kindest woman imaginable, and she absolutely could not have been more discrete or sympathetic in the manner in which she explained this to me. But she is also the wife of the minister as my church, and so was likely telling me what a number of people were thinking but didn't dare say.

I'm heading into menopause and have another few health issues which might account for the smell, and I'm prepared to acknowledge that I got out of the habit of wearing deodorant whilst Shielding and WFH during lockdown. But I just feel now such a sense of crushingly mortifying shame that I don't know how to move on from. I can't disappear from the church because my whole family is there, but if it was up to me I would never set foot in the place again. Aside from always making sure I am scrupulously and meticulously clean and hygienic every time I leave the house, like, how do I move on from this? How do I retrieve or regain my dignity?

This is the only reminder in years that I used to work with a guy who got very sweaty and pongy, there was absolutely no judgment though, just a recognition that the office was hot and he often cycled to work. Before your post I hadn't remembered that about him at all and only ever think of him as the lovely, intelligent, and kind person that he is.

OP, you may actually not smell….it may be her. I am someone with an overwhelmingly sensitive nose. It happened after my first pregnancy. My mom has always been like this too. Life is very difficult for me because I perceive odours that many people will not. Anyway, I have noticed over the years that some individuals have a certain human/skin odour coming off them. It is really bad… I can never forget it. And it is always the same smell too. Sometimes even my husband smells like it - even right after a shower/after shave. Then suddenly, It goes away and I am like your right, you smell goooooood! Hahhaha I do not think it is actually him or the others smelling bad - it seems more to do with my nose/smell perception being faulty. So it is very possible only this friend thinks you smell bad and even then it may be her nose at fault not actually you.

Sometimes, even the walls smell repulsive to me.

I think there are so many reasons someone can smell. Is it the food, sweating, bodily fluid kinda of smell? I think it might be worth speaking to her about it again and actually getting more info so you can sort it. If you have family, I cannot imagine not a single one of them mentioning it or making some indirect remark…so do rule out the possibility that it may be her nose. If she makes comments like ‘I cannot really describe it’ or ‘it does not seem like it is coming from one certain body part’ then it sounds like she is like me.

Everyone smells at some point.

I'm prepared to acknowledge that I got out of the habit of wearing deodorant whilst Shielding and WFH during lockdown.

eh? How long ago was that?! Have a wash, use deodorant. Problem solved.

Ask the pharmacist at boots, they can advise you on the best deoderants that really helps.
I love Dove deodorant stick as it leaves no marks and ive never had any issues with smell after using it. ive used it for years now as normal sprays just did not seem to work for me.

Did she actually use the words “sweaty and farty?” Gosh.

Clean clothes should do the trick. It won’t be you who smells it’ll just be your clothes. Forgive her. Her intentions were well placed and no one else will be aware of the conversation.

Alternatively, you could flip her and take a whoopee cushion into church and watch her face as the reverberations echo through the pews! 😉

It’s not as big a problem as it feels -
sounds like she cares about you. Great weather for washing all your bedding and clothes. Get them blowing on the line! Sleep well. It’s all ok.

I never used to smell… ever. I could work out and get sweaty and not smell anything. Once I started with menopause I started to smell myself. I used to wake up with stinky pits …. I was pretty embarrassed. I read a thread about it in here and the recommendation for bar soap which has helped significantly. I do use biological liquid for my clothes but use white vinegar to rinse. ( no need for a ton of fake smelling fabric conditioners). I line dry as much as possible too. Clothes that are lightly worn can be aired outside to wear again or steamed with a hand steamer to freshen them up. There are also “recipes” for environmentally friendly “frebreeze” type products for clothes although obviously wash regularly. Good luck OP

You’ve had lots of good advice here, it is an easy fix. Don’t dwell on it, just make some changes. I completely agree that menopause could be the reason behind it, the impact menopause has on women is only very recently being acknowledged.

She won’t have had that conversation with you to be nasty. I have had to have similar ones with members of my teams over the years and it is just awful all around, no matter how sensitively the message is delivered. The person on the receiving end is upset, I feel awful for them.

Mitchum deodorant is good I have to avoid some shower gels they they seem to make me sweat more. I'm ok with sanex or pear's soap. Also certain foods can make you smell bad. I used to eat a lot of broccoli but I always smelt bad down below. I have it once a week now always have something like pineapple or strawberries after which makes you smell better. Or maybe just some foods don't agree with yo. Are you drinking enough fluids? If you don't drink enough water that can make your sweat smell stronger. By drinking plenty you dilute any sweat.

There are a number of malodourous conditions that can cause both those smells, but particularly the "farty" one. Look up TMAU (ignore the misleading fish title - this only accounts for a small % of patients - the smell csn take many forms). This disease is triggered by food but also hormones so if youre going through menopause this may be a link.

You'll see from the number of ignorant comments on here that people can be very hurtful or just assume something is within your control when it may not be. It sounds like the person tried to be very tactful which shows it was coming from a place of kindness. Best of luck.

People have short memories. You’ll not be labelled or remembered as having ponged once in a while. It sounds like you just need to treat yourself to some nice deodorant and shower gel and a few nice lightweight blouses so you can have a fresh one every day and not have to do laundry every day. Also , this time of year you can’t really leave your sheets more than a few days either so treat yourself to an extra set and add those to the weekly wash pile. I’m terrible at organising myself and keeping on top of stuff so I have 5 days worth of ‘work outfits’ same for the kids uniforms and I do all the washing on a Saturday while tending to Netflix :) I also make myself have a neck down shower just before bed and put deodorant on then, so in the morning it’s just a quick freshen up. As far as I know I never smell and I’m a bit sweaty and chubby these days now too. You’ll be fine. Don’t dwell on it, just fix it and move on.

This is such a difficult subject, from both sides. You say she is kind and lovely, and she told you in a very discrete and nice way. While it’s not nice to hear, I think you need to take any mortification out of it. We all smell from time to time, but never smell ourselves. We carry ourselves around so go a little nose blind. It’s a fact of the human condition, so please try and not feel mortified (if nobody smelt of anything nobody would be attracted to anybody remember - human smells are a good thing). But these people are your friends. They care about you and value you. If they didn’t, I imagine no one would have said anything to you and you would slowly have been ostracised and probably never known why. Be happy people care about you and get back in the habit of your preferred hygiene routine (some prefer stronger artificial smells than others, do what is best for you, also taking account that the menopause may change what previously worked well for you) and enjoy your church and the friends you have there.

If I stopped wearing deodorant I would stink, we all would. Like I said it’s an easy fix.

Deodorant has nothing to do with hygiene.

I'd wonder if your clothes have got a bit whiffy.

My t-shirts do this in the summer (I think antiperspirant build up doesn't help) and I put bicarbonate of soda paste on the armpits then a hot wash with bio washing powder.

If that doesn't shift it a vinegar rinse usually does.

Speak for yourself. I don't (severe eczema) and don't.

I agree. Deodorant won't help if you are unwashed. But I can't for the life of me see how shielding would make anyone not use Deodorant

I get it must be embarrassing but talk about shame and regaining dignity seems a bit over the top. Take it in the kind way it was meant, do what you can to improve, see a doctor if there’s a medical issue.

I found heading into menopause that my armpits smelt strongly unless I used a strong deodorant. I assume it is hormones. I could have a thorough shower, and five minutes out of the shower my armpits were smelly.
I understand the embarrassment but this is the hormone equivalent of teenagers smelling because of puberty hormones. It is not being dirty.
It is also from what I have read, a common issue.
You need a decent strong antiperspirant. And a daily shower or bath.

Wear natural fabrics - cotton not polyester or nylon.

And, are you farty? My friend had this issue and she was diagnosed with IBS and a dairy intolerance. A change in diet sorted out the fartiness. None of us minded it though, it was just something she couldn’t help.

Not wearing deodorant is something you can fix though, so fix it.

This is cracked. No one needs to shower twice daily unless it’s a heatwave/they have a really physical job/spend their life in the gym.

The OP has let things slide a bit, that doesn’t mean she needs to destroy her skin by scrubbing it off twice a day or destroy the planet washing her jeans after a day.

There is a sensible middle way.

In terms of your dignity, you will naturally feel very embarrassed. But it is a small mistake you have made that you will put right. We all make mistakes.
Think how you would treat someone heading into menopause who sometimes smells,is told and corrects it. How would you treat them? Then try and treat yourself the same way, with the same kindness and empathy.

It is not too much of a stretch of the imagination to think about people who lived alone who had to shield. Who was about to smell their stinky pits?

Ach OP, many of us have caught a whiff of ourselves now and again! I smelt a bit BOey the other week when it was really hot - I was so self conscious! Just sort it out with the help of lots of the tips on this thread and no one will even think of it again once you get it sorted.

I disagree even living alone I'd want to smell nice. Stinky pits alone or with company is vile

How is it vile if you live alone and don't care?
Asking for the ND peeps out there.