Does anyone else have decidedly average children?

[Dotandtime]

Despite being really quite a determinedly good parent?!

As toddlers both my children were "clever". DS1 knew his letters and numbers (could point to them) before he could speak and he astounded staff with his jigsaw skills in preschool 😆 DS2 walked at 9mo and his nursery said they'd never met such an enquiring mind.

In infant school they were both on the gifted and talented list, which was a thing then, although it was never entirely clear why!

Through junior school they did OK. I turned up for everything supported everything the school did, arranged lots of extracurricular activities had lots of battles over homework By the end of year 6 they both achieved slightly above "expected"

In secondary they seemed to become invisible. Never picked for anything, didnt excel at sport, music, art, we couldn't find their passions. Both did just enough to stay out of trouble but no more and no one seemed to notice that they could/should be doing more. I kept trying, tried to instill a work ethic etc, but there didn't seem to be any consequences or reward at school. They both got above average GCSE grades, but not as good as the Yr 6 SATS suggested they should.

Ds1 wanted to go to Sandhurst and needed 3 Ds at ALevel. That's what he got, but he failed the medical which was a big blow and came just at the start of lockdown. Since then he's worked in various fast food restaurants and coffee shops. He's doing OK, has a management position now, but it's not what you dream of for your kids.

Ds2 left school at 16 to do an apprenticeship. Then he ended up wfh during lockdown which was never going to be great for a young person and I've no idea how an apprenticeship was supposed to work on that basis. It didn't and he dropped out. Then he went to college, but that didn't last and he's doing casual work now.

They're fine, they're good lads, they were never any trouble behaviourwise, they pay their way, they're good to their grandparents etc, I just wonder what I should have done differently to get them a better start in adult life. I see parents who don't seem to have done much differently to me currently reporting their DC's firsts and I wonder why.

I'd like to say it doesn't matter because DC are happy, but I'm not sure they are really, especially DS2.

I'm 43 and I still don't know what I want to do when I grow up.

Maybe just be pleased that they have grown up into pleasant men who can get and keep jobs despite what must have been an incredibly hard time losing their father. Any suggestion that what they are doing isn’t good enough for you may cause a rift that needn’t be. Ambition is fine, if you’re that way inclined, but there’s more to life and as long as they are happy, healthy, able to pay their way and kind I think that’s a win. After losing their dad they could be of the mind that life is too short and so doing what makes them happy is important.

It does! The perspective is that I'm all they've got and if anything happens to me they're completely on their own. They need to do something different to support themselves if they're going to continue the lifestyle they're used to.

It's not about being proud or disappointed, just worried.

Yep. My dd is very average. Struggled to speak as a toddler because of glue ear and then it was just trying to catch up really. Passed her GCSEs with average marks did BTECs as she would likely have failed A levels. Has a very decent job now in her 20s.

Oh my word. I hope your children never find out you feel this way. As a teacher who has to judge and score and scrutinise children this makes me so sad! I hate putting children into low/middle/high abilities. Are they kind? Are they happy? Do they have emotional intelligence? Are they resilient? Children are put into groups (not in my school for which I am eternally grateful) and ultimately that is how they view themselves for life. What child needs their parents labelling them too?!

Also, being a ‘high achiever’ at school does not necessarily equate with success. I see lots of children who I went to school with who were actually below average in academic terms who have done extremely well for themselves. And equally lots of ‘gifted’ students who went to uni and ended up in low-paying jobs.

Oh bless them they’ve been through a torrid time and it will undoubtedly have knocked them.

I do honestly think though that kids just develop skills at different ages and we place such value on how they are at a young age. Mine are almost the opposite. extremely average even a bit behind in the early years (despite my best efforts 😂) but then seem to find their feet and mature into learning as they get a bit bigger. I’m convinced my children just grow up slightly later than some of their peers.

Contrary to belief many people who are not autistic feel uncomfortable about looking into another persons eyes whilst talking. It maybe because they find it distracting to their concentration, shyness, introversion, or maybe undiagnosed visual problems.
Sometimes when people are trying to remember facts they may even shut their eyes.
And many autistic people have excellent eye gaze, by the by,

I experienced a family tragedy in my teens and I definitely underperformed in school because of it. Nothing else seemed to matter very much. I was offered counselling at the time, and now I really wish I had accepted it. I did gradually become more motivated in my 20’s. They may need a bit more time.

In terms of academics I have one child well below average for her age (severely dyslexic) and one that is average.
are they nice people ? Yes. Are they kind to others? Yes. Do they have friends and good social skills? Yes. Are they happy? Yes.
so do I care that they’re ‘average’ or ‘below’ average absolutely not. They will both get jobs that suit their skills and earn a living one day!

If they’re well behaved, kind, caring young lads then you’ve done a great job. Some kids know what they’re working towards at school, some need that little bit of life experience after school to find what they wanna spend their lives doing.

Precisely. Success is measured in more ways than one.

Yours DC are not battling any addictions, not in and out of the judicial system. Praise yourself, honestly. Parenting is hard going. Credit where it's due🙌

What's their reaction when you try and chivvy them along / out of their average roles? Do you think they can be persuaded to consider setting their sights higher?

My oldest is decidedly average. Have been a really good mum to him, done all the school activities, playgrounds, clubs etc, he’s now 15 and bombed his recent nicks h and keeps getting detentions for not doing homework. Me and DH are both professionals and I find my job very dull so trying to think that maybe an excelling child is not the holiday grail. He is kind, thoughtful and lovely.

Mocks

Had it too easy? Their dad died whilst they were in their teens. That is such a big life changing event. They’ve done well to come out of that without big issues and doing well in their life. Hopefully they’ll find their passions.
I think comparison is the thief of joy and I’d be so proud of my kids for having the resilience to not let a parents death in their teens ruin their life.

I understand this worry. In the end, they will have each other to lean on and it will work out somehow.

You've raised 'good lads'. I think that's bloody brilliant!

They sound like they are actually doing very well! With the way some younger folk are now behaviour wise they sound like sensible young men.

Not everyone is going to have a fancy high-flying career and that's ok. Through my work I come across a lot of professional people with fancy degrees and some come across quite snobby. I always feel more comfortable around my husbands work colleagues who do more normal jobs like your DSs and are so nice and relaxed and up for a laugh!

My kids are completely average! I think parents gets used to theirs kids getting praise and awards, picked for sports teams, words like ‘gifted’ and ‘talented’ thrown around. But honestly, how many adults have you ever come across in your life who are truly ‘gifted’, I know one person who can run really fast, that’s about it. The rest of us just move along doing ok. My very average kids are still school age but I can imagine it’s a hard one when they leave school and get normal jobs. I do it all the time, the other day we were talking about how great it would be if our son played professional cricket when he’s older, but really he is far more likely to get a job in a shop or something, who knows! I think your feelings are very understandable but your lads sound great!

Sorry about my awful spelling and grammar. My phone is possessed

I'd be so happy if my three DS were like yours when they're older.

We encourage but don't push academically, grades don't mean a huge amount in my eyes and I think it's too much pressure. As long as they try their best and become kind people we're happy. Of course they need to be able to support themselves.

Also it depends what you class as intelligence I guess. Good social skills are just as important as grades...

I have had the same thought, my child has lifelong disabilities and what I would give to know she will be happy and live independently. Sadly at age 2.5 years I know neither of these outcomes are likely at all :( focus on what you DO have please people x

So, different take, but maybe you're actually doing too much for them? The parents who do nothing and then their kids end up with firsts, well that's because learnt a long time ago that motivation has to come from within, and not from Mum standing next to you saying "Do your homework". I quietly trust my sons to do their homework and they know that if they don't then there will be no battle, only the embarassment of them not having done it when they get to school the next day. I'm scattered and forgetful and as a result my sons know they have to remember their own PE kit etc or I'm likely to forget. They're currently in the top 3 in their classes. My friend is more of a helicopter Mum, hovering over her daughter constantly encouraging her to do more work and her daughter is starting to quietly rebel, coast, keep her feelings to herself. Because it comes across as pressure, not encouragement. You sound very driven to the point of being hard to please. Try and take a step back and let your kids know you love them and think the world of them no matter what, and that they can acheive anything they set their mind to. That's all the information they need from you.

My aunt and uncle were like that - two degrees, full of ambition for their kids, always trying to get them to be the best they could be... the kids did go to University but not a "good" one on paper and havent found a decent job since. In their 30s now. My parents on the other hand were chaotic. I'm one of 5 kids, there was no time in their busy days for them to micromanage me and I quickly realized that anything I wanted to do had to come from me, myself. I graduated from a decent University with a 2:1 in spite of inheriting their chaotic nature and have a highly paid job in a big software company. I strongly believe kids need to make their own way while knowing their parents love them and believe in them.