Please help - husband has had a psychotic breakdown

[Terrifiedforthefuture]

I’ve namechanged for this as I don’t want it linked to my other posts.

My husband is in hospital after suffering from a psychotic breakdown. He has had problems with alcohol and cocaine on and off for as long as I remember. His behaviour this weekend has been aggressive, paranoid and delusional. He made a completely false and dangerous allegation about me and told his family and mine that it was true. I made him leave the house yesterday and he continued to berate me with aggressive messages so I blocked his number.

The police came to my house this afternoon to do a welfare check on me and the children. They said he had been found in an area about 3 miles from our home (of which he has no known connections) and concerned residents had reported it. Police say he was extremely paranoid and delusional and they were very concerned for his well-being. They brought him to a&e for a mental health assessment. They asked if I wanted to see him and I said I was unsure, they said as he had been aggressive towards me all weekend and was still extremely paranoid maybe it wasn’t a good idea for me to see him right now in case he lashes out at me.

I have contacted his siblings who are all down at the hospital with him now while I am home with our two very young children, one with SN.

I don’t know why I am posting or what I am hoping to get from it but I am terrified and really need a handhold.

OP

Also, ask a relative to take his phone off him until he's more stable.

@Notamum12345577

Rubbish. I was talking about men abusing cocaine and ending up psychotic but it is amazing the lengths that women will go too to excuse a lot of males behaviour.

@Mojitosaremyfavourite

did you read the bit about problems all through with cocaine and alcohol?

that alone is worth the op leaving

I'm my case OP, the family member was sectioned and forcibly sedated. Then a PICU a two hour drive away. Then a psychiatric ward closer to home. Then regular visits to a psychiatrist and a day care centre. Therapy sessions and CBT and medication and a social worker.

That's a very short version. It was disjointed. No one explained anything to us, no one kept us up to date. I couldn't believe how bad it was tbh in terms of information flow.

After the initial sectioning and all that entailed, a nurse sat us down and said she had been through the same with a family member. She advised us that it was not always possible to maintain a relationship with someone with serious mental health issues, and to look after ourselves too and consider a therapist to help deal with the aftermath. It barely registered. We were sure we would get everything back to normal.

Unfortunately we were so embroiled in the situation, we didn't properly process what she had said until about 5 years later. Everything she said came to pass despite our huge efforts, we couldn't manage to maintain relations at all. I personally was hit, scratched, belittled, hissed at, lied and lied and lied about and told it didn't matter if I died. It took me a long time to realise it's okay to have boundaries, even with people who are mentally ill. My relative dipped in and out of engaging with healthcare and then stopped completely.

There's no right ot wrong answers OP. All you can do is take one day at a time and ask lots of questions . You have to put yourself and your kids first.

Great post, @PomegranateRose.
PLEASE will all of you who are on a vindictive moral crusade about drugs just go and start another thread. The op needs practical support and info about what might happen over the next few days and weeks, and you are making that harder to view.

@SparklingMarkling there is no evidence that cocaine abuse has caused the break down.

For all you know, this man may have trauma in his history. Many people who use drugs and alcohol have trauma in their histories, it's actually one of the symptoms of most trauma-related disorders for BOTH men and women.

OP similar has happened to us, except I was the one calling the Police. It was awful. They are right though, be careful. Everyone will try to make you take responsibility for him when he's discharged; watch how fast his family disappear back to their own lives.

Practical advice: if you don't feel safe then speak to the Police again, you could even make a statement about his violent behaviour toward you.
Refuse to accept him home citing fear for your families safety and your child's additional needs if necessary.
You can apply for an occupation order. This is a court order which will prevent him coming near you and your children, or your home. The more evidence you have of his behavior the better (this is where Police statements come in). There is already evidence of his irrational behaviour in the reports to the Police from members of the public, and the hospital.
Move out if it's practical and safe to do so.
Speak to Women's Aid, they have seen this before and will give useful advice. You may have to leave a message for a call back. Your local area may have organisations which offer support, check your GP website.
Speak to your GP about how this is affecting you and your children, it helps build a picture.
Social Services will likely get involved because of the children's father's issues (addictions and mental heath). Don't be scared, engage with them so they see you're the protective force in your household.
Do not under any circumstances become his support human and scapegoat.
Find your limit and do not breach it. It's very easy to let things creep, especially if he is playing the victim and appears to be sorry and claims he haqs 'changed'. Similar will likely happen again, especially as he's in crisis, addictions don't just go away, so stand firm in order that he doesn't drag you and the kids down with him.

I really feel for you and I hope you get through this ok. Remember he has family to support him, he doesn't need you, the victim (for want of a better word) of his behaviour and abuse to do so too.

@PomegranateRose

Well good for you. I know mental health nurses personally and professionally and there are many who are sick of them. They went into help people with mental health conditions and just feel like substance abuse nurses now.

Of course there is a link between substance abuse and mental illness but it’s not an excuse and many still don’t abuse cocaine. I make no apologies for my opinions and to the poster who called me sexiest? Oh please, psychiatry is sexist to its very core, against women. It’s also systematically racist but now I’m really going off on a tangent.

What a horrible thing to say, people can and do make full recoveries from incidents like this. Would you offer the same advice to someone whose partner is suffering from a serious physical illness?

Op this must be terrifying for you. Right here, right now you're safe and he's being looked after.

You need to make sure that you and the children are safe. That may include changing locks, notifying nursery/school that he's not to take the children, and talking to the Police about an alarm for yourself and the house.

This could take weeks/months/years if he wants to get clean. If he doesn't, then nothing will change. But you and your kids deserve a brighter future without a drunk drug abuser robbing you of everything.

@Shminty

It would most certainly be a big contributing factor in an episode. Many people with extensive and severe trauma backgrounds still choose not to abuse drugs and alcohol.

All that you can do now is to prioritise yourself and the children, set a simple day to day routine for everyone, as normal daily life will help you to recover from the shock of these events. Your husband is in a safe place and it’s good that he has a supportive family and if you need support yourself you must ask for it. Don’t plan too far ahead just try and keep things as normal as possible at home, now isn’t the time to make any rash decisions.

This. Be honest with them is the best advice. The fact that he’s in hospital being assessed is good news as it can be so hard to get someone sectioned the first time if they don’t want to go to hospital.

This. I had a friend who went through this exactly as above 5 years of dealing with her mother. She was sectioned and then diagnosed and is now is life long care for mental health diagnosis.

you are actually going to help everyone in the long run if you say no. That he can’t return, that he can’t see the kids or you. In my experience the police are good, if you are insistent you can’t have him back. Social services will want him to be someone else’s issue and are keen to have someone - you, family etc to be his carer and take responsibility etc so you are best to say no.

don’t minimise this, the fact you have lived with an alcoholic and drug addict - the children deserve better from both of you. You need to safe guard them. If ss is not involved - get them involved. Be proactive and for god sakes go into school on Monday morning and ask to speak to the head or head of year - and explain exactly what has happened. Be factual. Ask for support for the children, engage with the school, ask for staff to be aware, ask that he doesn’t collect them etc

get therapy for you and the kids and put boundaries in place. It’s time to step back and see the huge impact this has on a child - this is not fair.

do change the locks if needed - get a ring doorbell if needed - don’t forget he can and could hurt you.

don’t minimise any of this

get support for all of you. Do not be pressured to see him

Even though we want people to have help for their mental health problems (I've had plenty of help for mine) OP does probably need to make a safe space for her and her children, away from him. The priority here is not about being kind to him, but for OP and the children to be safe.

Well actually he abuses drugs and alcohol so sounds like self induced psychosis

There isn't just "a link" between substance abuse and mental illness - it is functionally a mental health condition in itself. I will be the first to agree with you that psychiatry - and healthcare in general - has a long history and a lot to answer for in being systemically patriarchal, racist, ableist, and all manner of horrible things. But I will say that that doesn't make people with drug-induced mental health concerns any less deserving of help in any measure or manner, and indeed, I would say the way you speak about people with substance abuse is very much similar to the moral value mindset that contributed to so many people being failed by the system in the past and still today.

If the nurses you know are feeling frustrated and uncomfortable with substance misuse coming up so often, they should look at what it is that makes them feel that way and address it - take up additional training on the topic, change roles, engage in reflective practice, etc. But value judgements have no place in mental health care, nor any health or social care at all in my opinion. Safeguarding is imperative, judgement is a personal issue.

This thread is from a person seeking information, space and support about the situation they find themselves in. I don't think going on a blame/value tangent about drug induced mental health issues is appropriate nor helpful.

A lot of ill informed information on this thread. Social services, the hospital staff, the Police and of course his currently supportive family members will allow him to return home. OP is there to look after him remember? As well as their two children and herself, despite his use if drink and drugs and abusive behaviour toward OP. Box ticked, not their problem.
This is my experience at least. The best OP can hope for is a family member seeing the risks and taking him in for everyone's sake. Otherwise it's up to OP.
Dont get me wrong, Social Services will offer support and guidance, but that's to protect the kids from him (it's a long road to having him excluded from the family home), as will the Police (don't hesitate to call them if he kicks off again), and to a far lesser degree the mental health services (provision is desperately lacking, except for those currently in crisis).

Be under no illusions OP, the only person who will really look out for you and the kids now is you. He has support from his family to get himself in a better place. Only then should you consider seeing him.

Do not feel guilty!

Social services will definitely be contacted.

So sorry OP. I’m glad your in-laws are being rightfully supportive and they are right, focus on your children.

Definitely don’t see him or let the children see him until he’s more stable. You didn’t say what the allegations were but I’d be concerned that if he has a delusion about you abusing the children or having an affair that he may harm you or your children.

You are doing the right thing.

Ok.
shall I turn this around. I am actually a man. The OH started self medicating with cocaine due to mental health which was made worse by some trauma. She ended up in a mental health unit. So I should have left her and divorced her immediately? Btw, she hasn’t touched it since, 6-7 years now.

Cocaine and alcohol induced mental illness? Absolutely he needs to go.

A friend of the family went through this a few years ago. It turned out the psychosis was as a result of the occasional cocaine user moving on to crack.
She had to separate from him in the end as he just couldn't leave it alone no matter how much help he got. In fact the help he got just seemed to provide him with support to carry on. He made lots of new crack loving friends in rehab unfortunately and is currently in prison for dealing, for the second time.
I sincerely hope this is not the case, my sympathy goes out to you. Prepare to have to cut him out of your life completely :(

It's also the OPs marriage and the OP who had a traumatic experience due to his "health conditions". If she wants to tell people whether that's her friends, family, or helplines etc to get support for herself she can do so. She doesn't need to keep this a secret, it's her experience too. She's not a doctor and not bound by patient confidentiality. If a person takes drugs, drinks to excess, has a breakdown die to that leading them to threaten and be abusive towards their partner, that person can't expect it to be kept private. .

@Aquamarine1029 wow! Not everyone immediately wants a divorce following an upset. The man is mentally ill, he needs help, and with the right help and care he can get well. Have a bit of empathy.