Had to leave a party early because my kids wouldn't settle for dad

[Givemestrength23]

Just feeling sorry for myself really. 2 kids, 1 with anxiety- she always needs me. Daddy won't do. Ends in screaming and hysteria whenever I'm not there. So I'm always there. Never go anywhere except work without them. Literally nowhere. Invited to a party of an old colleague tonight. Decided to do something for me and went. Got them both settled and asleep before I went. Didn't tell them I was going - knew they would just be upset and not settle if i did. Of course 1 woke up, couldn't be settled by dad, got upset, woke the other. Cue dh calling me to come home at 10pm, couldnt do anything with them. Both hysterical. Now I'm trying to settle them both while he calls me selfish. Just feeling sorry for myself right now

Your husband is the problem, not the children. Calling you selfish because you're not a permanent prisoner in your own home is controlling abusive behaviour. Get rid of him and I'm guessing your children will suddenly calm down.

How do they manage when you go to work? Just tell them you are going to work when going on a night out.

I was going to say the same thing? How much time do they spend alone with DH without you there in the daytime for example? I work one day at the weekend, and always have done, so from a very early age, mine both had a whole day with dad in sole charge, and they love spending time with him, and are very close to both of us. It's never been an issue for me to go out on an evening, and I guess them knowing they're fine with him by themselves in the daytime helps with this? I also work the odd evening, so they've been used to him putting them to bed when I'm not here because of that. I think they actually prefer it, as he is less strict with bedtimes, and they always watch a movie and get popcorn in, so they look for ars to the weekend when boring mummy isn't here 😄. If I were you, I'd schedule another evening out, with the view to going out way before bedtime. Let him take the lead, make it fun, choose some treats and a film, and give them a reason to be excited about it, hopefully by bedtime they'll have accepted it for what it is, and be happy for daddy to put them to bed and settle them, when they can see that he looks after them just as well as you do.

Spot on

I have seen too many mums say "oh their dad couldn't cope"

I bet most of them could if the mum allowed!

Being such a martyr is no use to anyone. Sit them all down and tell them how you feel, that it ruined it for you, and you deserve more. Tell dc that they can cope when you go to work, so they can cope if you are out. Tell them that daddy will look after them. And then go out more. From now on, just to the shops, for a coffee, and tell them you are going to do this. And that last nights party, forced to return, isn't going to happen again.

@Givemestrength23 your dh is the selfish one, calling you home instead of actually parenting his own children.

Good men don't call their partner selfish for going out for a few hours.

Good men know how to soothe their children, they make it their business to know.

Abusive arseholes call their partners selfish.

Abusive arseholes ring their partners when out.

He's an arsehole and you need to start telling your children you are going out.

Let them cry.

You have two children and their arsehole father controlling you.

You need to step up and take control.

This type of hysterical behaviour is not normal and is best not indulged.

They accept you go to work?

They don't get to control you.

Stop allowing them to think their hysterical behaviour can control you.

It will only get worse.

I have seen it get worse until a mother snapped and took back firm final control.

She wished she had done it 5 years earlier.

You are sending a terrible message to your children, that is, they can control others by their hysteria and upset.

I really don't understand why he called you selfish. Is it because you went out at all? Coming home was the opposite of selfish. Are you selfish when you go to work? Why aren't your kids hysterical when you go to work?

I wonder if he really tries to comfort & settle them when he knows he can call you & you'll have to come home.
It's a huge burden on you if their own dad can't settle them. He must feel shitty about not being able to comfort his own kids but that needs to change.

I understand why she didn't tell the DC. They'd have whined and her DH would have spent all evening calling her selfish and saying he couldn't cope until OP didn't go out at all. He's unreasonable so OP needs to work round his forced incompetence and manipulation. She can't treat him like a capable adult who is on the family team when he has obviously shown that he isn't.

Also agree you need to tell your kids when you're going out. They - well the 6 year old certainly - are old enough to understand. I understand the 3 year old being upset but hysterical, for both of them, seems extreme.

Go away on your own for a weekend, or even longer. By the time you get back, everyone will have got over themselves and settled down. You have to teach your kids resilience and to self soothe if they're going to be able to cope with life in the longer term.

I would definitely tell them you're going out. I know you're worried about the immediate reaction, but longer term they'll feel more secure with knowing who is going to be there if they wake up.

Reassure them, go out, phone on silent and enjoy yourself. It probably won't go smoothly the first few times, but don't come home early, they will all eventually get used to it

Look up tha SPACE programme by Eli Lebowitz. It’s a game changer

This is the book -

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Breaking-Free-Child-Anxiety-Scientifically/dp/0190883529/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?crid=2A1GBRCKTSRVG&keywords=eli+lebowitz+space&qid=1688205178&sprefix=space+eli+%2Caps%2C109&sr=8-1

I agree. It is impossible for us to know if this is of the OPs creating, I've known mums who are so convinced that only they can do it that the dad gets pushed out and eventually ops out as there is no space for him. I've also known useless dads. Or it can be a combination of both. Only the OP can work it out.

I agrée he should be able to settle them. But certainly at 6 years old DS would have been disciplined for getting hysterical about either of us going out.

He obviously needs more practice but I disagree with you just going out and leaving them without saying. My SIL used to do this and although it was easier for her, it made her kids anxious as they were always on the alert that she would slip out when they went looking.

It's hard to judge from a short post what the family dynamics are. Why did you actually come home?
Was it because their father requested you to?
Could you not bare the thought of them 'crying it out'?
What's happened in the past when you've let them cry?
Is their dad making a reasonable effort but they're programmed to demand you?
Is their dad useless?
Are there any special needs/diversity?

On the face of it it's easy to blame useless dad, but if you're an over anxious parent and submit to their every want you're to blame. You'll spoil your kids and your marriage might not last. You need to get to the root of the problem not the consequence of one night.

Parents who are martyrs will always get this response. The children are fine with their father. Just don't answer the phone if you go out, and the children will quickly learn that this behaviour won't be indulged.

Your actions will only compound their desire to have you at their beck and call. They have learned that mummy will always come and sit wWith me if I cry for long enough - it’s learned behaviour. You could have chosen to do several things - 1) not answer the phone, 2) answer the phone but tell DH he would need to sort his children out himself or 3) go home straight away. It was your decision to choose option 3.
If your DH had not phoned you and when you got home told you your DC had been crying, would you have been annoyed that he didn't phone? What is actually happening is that because your DC have become used to only you settling them, they are developing attachment issues. That’s not healthy!

Now I'm trying to settle them both while he calls me selfish

You are not selfish for wanting a night out every so often. He sounds like an incapable jerk.

It really isn't impossible to judge from the OP's post. She could have enjoyed her night but her DH chose to call to tell her that the DC were hysterical (the only reason for calling was to spoil her night - he was not incapable of managing his own DCs for one night - even if they were upset). Then he chose to call her selfish after she came home.
There is no way to spin this as the DH acting like a responsible, capable, considerable adult.

Omg wtf 😥 he sounds bloody useless. You have a husband problem.

There is no way I would have gone home because of this.

DH needs to make time when you are out something special - they get to watch extra TV before bed when daddy is in charge, or an ice cream, or McDonald’s or whatever. And start going out once a week and switching your phone off. I have zero respect for men who can’t look after their own children.