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Original poster

Had to leave a party early because my kids wouldn't settle for dad

199 replies

Givemestrength23 · 30/06/2023 22:57

Just feeling sorry for myself really. 2 kids, 1 with anxiety- she always needs me. Daddy won't do. Ends in screaming and hysteria whenever I'm not there. So I'm always there. Never go anywhere except work without them. Literally nowhere. Invited to a party of an old colleague tonight. Decided to do something for me and went. Got them both settled and asleep before I went. Didn't tell them I was going - knew they would just be upset and not settle if i did. Of course 1 woke up, couldn't be settled by dad, got upset, woke the other. Cue dh calling me to come home at 10pm, couldnt do anything with them. Both hysterical. Now I'm trying to settle them both while he calls me selfish. Just feeling sorry for myself right now

OP posts:
ApplesInTheSunshine · 01/07/2023 07:41

I think you were selfish to not tell them you were going out and prepping them if it is very unusual for you to be out of the house. Children need boundaries to feel safe and you've said in an update that you did it as otherwise you wouldn't have gone.

This too. It’s just going to make them more anxious that you might not be there at any particular time so they’ll feel unsafe.

SideProfile · 01/07/2023 07:44

Megifer · 01/07/2023 07:29

Oh dear what a feeble twat he is 🙄 cannot believe he called you to go home id have shrivelled up in embarrassment 😩

Kids get upset like this sometimes, its not nice to see or know about but you need to push through otherwise they become the sort who can't stay at friends houses or do residentials at school etc. Friends kid was the same now she's 13 and had to call mum to pick her up from a sleepover at 11pm because she needed mum (no SN just mollycoddled when younger)

As for your DH...eeew, I've got ick by proxy.

“Ick by proxy” has made me choke on my Cheerios 🤣

You should have prepared them, but you know that by now. Does DH have them in the day? This is an insane situation you’ve got yourself in. Mine are 1 and 3 and I feel suffocated because DH can’t/won’t do bedtime alone, but at least I can leave them after that! (Actually I took the eldest away on my own!)

marcopront · 01/07/2023 07:49

WandaWonder · 01/07/2023 04:18

A very similar situation happened in reverse and the women was at home, it was expected the man come home to help so no idea why the replies to this are different

Did the woman call the man selfish for going out?

Batalax · 01/07/2023 07:52

Are you sure he didn’t wake then deliberately?

I think you need to go out more/be busy at bedtime. Dad has to learn to settle them. Cruel to be kind.

strawberry2017 · 01/07/2023 07:53

How do such young children end up with anxiety? Genuine question.
That must be a learned behaviour from somewhere.
Why can they not settle with their own dad?

Iamkittycat · 01/07/2023 07:56

Sometimes I wish posters could watch a film of my life and learn from it.

This was me, 18 years ago. If i tried to go out, the dcs would cry, my ex would call me, tell me to come home, he couldn't cope, I was selfish etc.

I did everything in that house, family, relationship. Ended up losing myself totally, until I had a breakdown 15 years later.

My ex was abusive. I had been trained since childhood to be an enabler.

NerrSnerr · 01/07/2023 08:07

My children were similar, Covid coincided with the end of the pregnancy/ breastfeeding time of my life where it was too much effort/ I was too knackered to go out. Then there was nowhere to go for ages!

You need to start doing it more, but you also need a partner on board. If everyone is awake until midnight for a night it's not the end of the world and they'll soon get used to it. I am able to go away for a weekend without much stress at all.

born2runaway · 01/07/2023 08:09

The kids need to learn. And so does DH

They wont if you're always available

ForTheSakeOfThePenguin · 01/07/2023 08:09

3 and 6? Honestly, you should be exhausted but you need to stop pandering both to your husband AND kids. You, more than everyone in the family, deserve a break and they all need to learn, slowly if needed, to cope when you are not around.

I understand your younger suffers from anxiety but if they can cope when you are at work surely they can learn to cope when they are with their dad, so don’t let anyone , or yourself, to guilt trip you to think you need to be at their beck and call 24/7.

Cornishclio · 01/07/2023 08:10

I think you need to get them used to being settled by their Dad. 3 and 6 are not babies. My DD and her husband take turns with putting their children to bed. They do one child each and alternate but it does mean if my son in law works away or my DD is going out either one of them can settle them. They have done that since babyhood though so it seems strange your oldest child is 6 and still not used to her Dad putting her to bed. Tell your selfish husband to step up and start to alternate bedtime routines. If they suffer with anxiety you should have prepared them first.

Persiana · 01/07/2023 08:11

You need to work on this together as a team. It's not fair to place the blame solely with him, especially if you have typically jumped to be the most on hand parent? If you have somehow, maybe unintentionally, built a precedent that only you will do, both of you have to unpick that together. This is assuming he is a decent person and you do love and respect each other?

Bluebells1970 · 01/07/2023 08:12

I feel very sorry for you OP.

This isn't living, it's existing and being a slave to your DH and kids.

They've trained you well.

Spendonsend · 01/07/2023 08:13

We had a similar situation arise accidently. My dh worked abroad so couldnt settle the kids as he wasnt here. Then on the one night a week he was here it didnt seem worth upsetting the routine.

Anyway, covid grounded him and we worked really hard at alternating bedtime because its important.

So i recommend from now on you alternate bedtime even if its hard to begin with.

veggie50 · 01/07/2023 08:16

If it's just one of your kids, I'd wonder if he/she might be autistic (I have one autistic child) and that could explain the melt down but both and only when you are going out to socialise? Sounds like they are forming a bad habit and frankly being naughty. Read up on child behaviour and hire a good, experienced sitter (a professional nanny or child minder who is a grown up, not a teenager) to look after them when you go out. I feel they just need to get used to having other people look after them and not throw a tantrum. Once they got better, Daddy might just be able to cope.

Hoppinggreen · 01/07/2023 08:17

I can see why you left and went home. It’s all very well people saying you should have ignored it but I doubt you would have been having much fun worrying about your DC.
Having said that it should never have happened in the first place. A 3 and 6 year old should be able to cope without one specific parent for a few hours, you need to work on that.
Your H sounds pretty useless too

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 01/07/2023 08:23

You need to go out more and leave them with dad, so they get used to him being around.

He needs to learn to settle them himself, you should not be the default parent.

Sprogonthetyne · 01/07/2023 08:24

Is it just the getting them to sleep part he can't do? What would have happened if he hadn't tried to resettle them and they had just gone downstairs and watched bluey untilthey crashed? Not ideal but a one off 'sleepover' in the living room isn't going to hurt anyone.

Gymmum82 · 01/07/2023 08:26

If it were me I’d book a weekend away. Tell all of them I was going and leave my phone at home. They’d have to learn how to cope.
Kids must be at school/nursery. So they can survive without you. They manage while you’re at work. This isn’t healthy or sustainable for anyone.

CapEBarra · 01/07/2023 08:39

They’re 3 and 6. How on earth did they end up hysterical at 10 o’clock at night? Why couldn’t your DH settle them? As a 14 year old I occasionally babysat for the next door neighbours and could settle the kids if they woke so it should really not be beyond the capability of a grown ass man - their own father - who clearly needs to take a more active role in their evening routine. Is this the first time you’ve been out in the evening in 6 years? If anything you should be going out more often to give him the opportunity to learn to cope more effectively with his own children. I’m guessing last night’s debacle is a display of strategic incompetence to discourage you from actually getting him to parent his own children. Next time don’t pick up the phone. He’s not an idiot. He knows exactly what to do. He just doesn’t want to do it.

Escapetothecountryplease · 01/07/2023 08:41

Crikey I've only read a couple of pages but this thread is blooming vicious. It must be hard work reading it.

I would have been in exactly your situation a few years ago. My eldest also anxious - and this is not your fault, and mist likely nothing to do with your parenting. Sometimes it just is. With mine it turns out in the end related to a long term health condition we didn't know about at the time.

Their dad is and was rubbish. I've now left him and much happier. However I had a lot of people telling me at the time he needed more practice, I should be less anxious etc etc. I'm glad I didn't heed them and followed my gut instinct which was to meet their emotional needs, and give them the extra help they needed to be calm and happy - and to know they can rely on me no matter what..

In short term how about gently introducing a babysitter. Meet a few times in the day time first, and always leave them to do bedtime routine - 1 so you're not frazzled and exhausted when you leave, and 2. So the kids know exactly what's going on.
Then go out

weightymatters73 · 01/07/2023 08:41

Givemestrength23 · 30/06/2023 23:21

The kids are 3 and 6. I answered the phone because i knew from past expthat they really would be hysterical, he wouldn't settle them however long I left it

Unfortunately this is a problem of your own making, and will be very difficult to sort....

Your kids get hysterical as they know if they are hysterical you come to them no matter what. They don't settle for Dad as they know if they continue to scream you come.

The only way to solve this is to break the cycle or to wait until they grow out of it!

Breaking the cycle is very very difficult as it will involve NOT going to them when they are hysterical and leaving someone else to deal with it in it's entirety.

PrinceHaz · 01/07/2023 08:43

I’d imagine ‘Daddy won’t do’ because she knows Daddy isn’t someone she feels safe with. I don’t mean he’d hurt her, more he just doesn’t get her.
As she gets older, if the anxiety continues or you start to see that she has something diagnosable, you can bet he won’t understand and won’t be on board. It will be all, You pander to her,’ and, ‘she needs to learn to pull herself together’ all said without any meaningful input or thought from him. Be prepared for this.

You’re not selfish. He is.

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 01/07/2023 08:43

Bluebells1970 · 01/07/2023 08:12

I feel very sorry for you OP.

This isn't living, it's existing and being a slave to your DH and kids.

They've trained you well.

Agree with this. I cant imagine living like this.
The nights when one parent is out are the best nights! Eating crap and watching crap with the other parent.
Something needs to give OP, it's not fair that your world has shrunk so much. You AND your DH need to step up and fix this for the sake of your kids. That's assuming there's abit of mummy martyr at play here too.

Takeabreather23 · 01/07/2023 08:43

@Givemestrength23 it would have caused major upset …. From who ?
I vet the feeling the kids get upset then it’s your husband that gets even More upset. The kids feel the atmosphere and are even more upset.
vicious circle unless dh gets how act together.
you can’t live like this

ImAOneWayMotorway · 01/07/2023 08:44

Everyone calling the man useless here and pinning all this on him. To have a 6 year old hysterical at being left in the evening you most certainly must pander to them, the fact your 3 year old is the same this isn't just 1 child doing this which suggests there must be something in how you are raising them to make them this clingy. This behaviour must be learned from somewhere?

My kids did this when they were breastfed, only at going to sleep time though as they refused to take a bottle. It was actually my fault they didn't take a bottle because I couldn't be bothered to express milk and get them to accept it early on, I was precious and didn't want them to have a bottle. I did this 3 times, and fed them all until around 2-2.5. All my doing. As soon as I stopped breastfeeding though they stopped being this clingy. My youngest is still breastfed, but what we did with the older 2 (5 and 7) is have my husband take over bedtime as soon as they stopped needing me to feed to sleep. So it's switched off this relying on me, worked a treat. Maybe you've continued being the default parent rather than realising you needed to pass the baton once they arent so reliant on you?