Had to leave a party early because my kids wouldn't settle for dad

[Givemestrength23]

Just feeling sorry for myself really. 2 kids, 1 with anxiety- she always needs me. Daddy won't do. Ends in screaming and hysteria whenever I'm not there. So I'm always there. Never go anywhere except work without them. Literally nowhere. Invited to a party of an old colleague tonight. Decided to do something for me and went. Got them both settled and asleep before I went. Didn't tell them I was going - knew they would just be upset and not settle if i did. Of course 1 woke up, couldn't be settled by dad, got upset, woke the other. Cue dh calling me to come home at 10pm, couldnt do anything with them. Both hysterical. Now I'm trying to settle them both while he calls me selfish. Just feeling sorry for myself right now

@Sometimeswinning

I may well have misunderstood what she's saying, but her update tells me that neither her or her parnltner wanted her (still young) children to stay hysterical for long. I read it she wanted some sympathy for what had happened, and some acknowledgement that it's not ideal that they need only her so badly. Maybe some suggestions how to sort that out.

Not everyone piling on as to what a selfish lover her partner is because he couldn't settle them.

They need to work as a team here.

Get a better partner.

Have you genuinely tried though because at the moment all your children are learning is that if they cry enough they will get mummy eventually.

It's super important they can be settled by someone else especially their father, being taken into hospital isn't exactly unusual so surely it's better to crack this asap.

I agree it really is important that they can be settled by someone else, I want that more than anyone believe me. But I can't make him be able to do it can I ?

Which one is the one who gets hysterical op? The 3 year old?

I think calling her selfish is pretty pathetic

Well it’s never going to happen if every time they get upset, you drop everything and rush back. That’s the bit you are in control
of. Your choice to go home.

@Givemestrength23 i think people are being harsh on you. My 4 year old still will not settle for his dad. I went away on a good friends hen for two nights recently and got home to find no one had slept, everyone exhausted. The difderence is, when I spoke to my husband from the hen he told me all was well and he hoped i was having fun.
You need time out too and your husband should do whatever he can to let ypu have it.

What a bloody ridiculous shit dad he is to phone you. So what if you were in hospital for a few days what would he do then? You deserve a night out and it sounds like you even prepped for him which you shouldn’t have to.

Agree you can't, I think it's time to have a very serious conversation. There's no point being with your husband as he is worse than useless. You'd be better off alone at this point. Tell your husband to step up asap or else you'll be walking and mean it. I did this and it gave him a shake up. Also I see you have two DC, what was he like with DC1??

You need to get out way more often or at least Dad needs to be doing bedtimes very frequently. Rod.own.back.

3 and 6, that's ridiculous. You need to stop this behaviour now, sorry OP but your enabling it. There's no need for a 3 year old, let alone a 6 year old to be like this. I thought we were talking about very young babies. Go away for a weekend, they'll all survive I'm sure.

I'm sorry if I missed this in a PP, but why didn't you tell them you would be out?

I agree book a weekend away. Or at least a night to start with.... and no going home!

Yep. I had this too OP, so I do sympathise I had only done bedtimes so DC was only used to me, but it was easy to change.

I didn't tell them I was going out because I knew it would have caused major upset snd frankly I wouldn't have got out

How do they manage without you in the daytime?

You have a husband problem.

At 6 and 3 your husband should be able to put your children to bed and settle them if they wake.

The fact he doesn’t / can’t is pathetic

What was he doing to settle them? You’re not selfish for going, don’t listen to him.

He needs to work on building a better relationship with them, then work on settling them regularly when you're home.

OP, what happens to your DP when your DC won't settle? Does he too become anxious and dysregulated? Have you fallen into a pattern where you prevent your DP's anxiety from escalating by ensuring he doesn't have to manage certain stressful situations such as soothing upset children (which definitely works best when adults are calm and are able to lead by co-regulation).
This is such a tricky dynamic to pick your way out of, if it is the case; you're probably trying to avoid your DC being exposed to -or the cause of- your DP's anxiety, especially if it manifests with some challenging behaviour. Technically, there is of course nothing that you can do that your husband can't do: but the reality feels about a million miles away from that.
My DP used to get anxious when in charge of DC after bedtime and I made similar sacrifices to you. Despite explaining to friends and family, people really lacked imagination and empathy with me let alone with DP: I felt really unsupported and judged in what was obviously quite a rubbish situation for me, yet one which prompted the most simplistic, "why don't you just..." kind of responses.

Your DH is the selfish one. He needs to do much more bed times and be firmer so dc settle with him. If anything you need to go out more often.

Does your DH get evening time out or is he in supporting you settling the dc dbery single day without fail?

Upset for who?

Practice! Like you’ve had to!

You are feeding into their anxiety by never leaving them - it confirms their belief that they have to have you there to be safe.

We need mummy to be safe > so you never leave them > We must have been right, we do need mummy to be safe.

Stop it. They need to see from experience that they can be safe without you, with a different safe adult. The only way to do this is to keep doing it. They need to believe they will be fine without you.

Build up their tolerance. Wean them off of you as their only safe person. Go out for one hour one evening before bedtime. Tell them “mummy’s going out for one hour, daddy’s here whilst I am gone, and you will all be fine”. They will likely be upset etc but it’s just an hour, your DH can cope, and then you’ll get home and say “see, we missed each other but you were all fine, just like I said!”.

Do that a few times, once a week, then start to extend it over a bedtime, “mummy’s off out now, I will be three hours so you will be asleep when I get back but I promise I will come and kiss you in bed when I get in. You’ll be fast asleep! Have fun with daddy like you always do”.

Once you stop reinforcing their anxiety and demonstrate that they are safe without you, and your DH has some practice, life should get better for all of you!

Youve let it getto thispoint but not making him do it previously-if he never settled them of course they dont like it

you could easily have tried it on a normal night to try and get them used to him]

hes a twat for calling you selfish though