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Original poster

Had to leave a party early because my kids wouldn't settle for dad

199 replies

Givemestrength23 · 30/06/2023 22:57

Just feeling sorry for myself really. 2 kids, 1 with anxiety- she always needs me. Daddy won't do. Ends in screaming and hysteria whenever I'm not there. So I'm always there. Never go anywhere except work without them. Literally nowhere. Invited to a party of an old colleague tonight. Decided to do something for me and went. Got them both settled and asleep before I went. Didn't tell them I was going - knew they would just be upset and not settle if i did. Of course 1 woke up, couldn't be settled by dad, got upset, woke the other. Cue dh calling me to come home at 10pm, couldnt do anything with them. Both hysterical. Now I'm trying to settle them both while he calls me selfish. Just feeling sorry for myself right now

OP posts:
ItsNotWhatItsNot · 01/07/2023 00:09

What? Your posts aren’t making sense. Did you want advice?
who’s the controlling bloke, just a deadbeat loser of a sex partner or a husband? Obviously the child’s other parent should be fully functional.

ChaToilLeam · 01/07/2023 00:10

He needs to learn to settle them. Are you going to be stuck at home every night until they’re old enough to vote?

Smineusername · 01/07/2023 00:11

He needs to spend much more time on his own with them

Danikm151 · 01/07/2023 00:12

He’s calling you selfish because you wanted one night out of hundreds to enjoy yourself?!

he’s selfish for not sharing the care of your children!

Justcallmebebes · 01/07/2023 00:13

Pathetic

CinnamonJellyBeans · 01/07/2023 00:14

How on earth is it that your husband can manage fine when you're making money, but not when you're out for the evening.

LittleOwl153 · 01/07/2023 00:17

My guess is your husband woke one of them up and told them you were out.

Why did he do this? Because he didn't want you to go out and enjoy yourself without him. HE is the selfish one here. And he won't change. Those poor kids, the damage he is doing them...

UndercoverCop · 01/07/2023 00:18

He needs to learn to settle them and why on earth is he calling YOU selfish?! He's there one who's cut your night short because he can't or won't parent his own children.

The other aspect OP is that you need to be honest with your children, they are old enough to understand mummy is going out with a work friend tonight, I'll put you to bed then daddy will be here if you need anything. Rinse and repeat.
To be honest if he took over the bedtime routine for a while even better, you can just go out and leave him to it. It's worse if you say nothing they wake up and you're just gone.

I went out with a friend for dinner last weekend, told my 4 year old, he had two questions can I make pizzas for dinner with daddy and have I got my same bedtime or can I stay up with daddy, I told him that was up to daddy and how he behaved himself.
He 'helped' me choose what to wear gave me a kiss goodbye and said to give friend a high five from him.

You can't be trapped in your house.

Irunoncoffeemascaraandhighheels · 01/07/2023 00:28

Givemestrength23 · 30/06/2023 23:32

I agree it really is important that they can be settled by someone else, I want that more than anyone believe me. But I can't make him be able to do it can I ?

No you can't... but he can. He can learn strategies to settle them, he can put the effort in, he can learn patience in the face of relentless screaming - just like you had to. You can try using separation anxiety techniques to overcome the reliance on you in conjunction with him stepping up and being a better parent.

The fact he called you to come home, then called you selfish for going out at all tells me all I need to know about him. He's not a team player, just wants an easy life and if it's at your expense, so be it. Not nice, not loving, not supportive - towards you or the DC. If he was he'd have done whatever it took to distract and reassure and comfort them somehow even if they didn't sleep, meaning you could continue enjoying your rare night out. Then had a conversation with you at some point, about what the pair of you can do moving forward to break the DC reliance on only you. That's what a nice, loving, supportive DH/DF would do for his family.

I suspect he likes you being the "only suitable parent" because it gives him an excuse not to have to bother.

Mumoftwosweetboys · 01/07/2023 00:29

Can't believe he called you selfish! How were you selfish? By going out?

I don't think you've helped the situation by always being the one to settle them but it's not too late. Your husband is their parent too and needs to just get on with it and not ruin your one night out. Quite ridiculous.

I have a 4 year old and a 1 year old and we always alternate bath and bed each night so that both kids are happy with either of us settling them which makes it easier on the odd night either of us has a night out. My 1 year old can sometimes be difficult to settle if he's teething or something but my husband wouldn't make me feel bad if I was out he'd just get on with it. Everyone survives!

Must have been very annoying for you to have to come home early.

RedToothBrush · 01/07/2023 00:39

Did I read that right?
BOTH were hysterical?

No wonder your child won't settle when he's doing that.

Bubblesoffun · 01/07/2023 00:42

LittleOwl153 · 01/07/2023 00:17

My guess is your husband woke one of them up and told them you were out.

Why did he do this? Because he didn't want you to go out and enjoy yourself without him. HE is the selfish one here. And he won't change. Those poor kids, the damage he is doing them...

And the winner of today’s most ridiculous, baseless and reaching post with no actual proof goes to…

Tophy124 · 01/07/2023 00:42

This is ridiculous. You need to go out more and leave them with their Dad more. He needs to stop being pathetic and actually parent. I suspect they have worked out if they cry you come running and they rely on only you and not Dad as you probably do everything? You need to make Dad solve situations on his own.

Tophy124 · 01/07/2023 00:44

Also as someone whose partner is frequently gone for long periods of time this just pisses me off. Actually think about that OP. My partner is often gone and so I HAVE to settle my own children and not be pathetic. Likewise their Dad is able to parent when home and wouldn’t dream of calling me home because our children were crying. The fact they got hysterical sounds so dramatic and odd? What is going on?

Irunoncoffeemascaraandhighheels · 01/07/2023 00:45

EveSix · 30/06/2023 23:56

OP, what happens to your DP when your DC won't settle? Does he too become anxious and dysregulated? Have you fallen into a pattern where you prevent your DP's anxiety from escalating by ensuring he doesn't have to manage certain stressful situations such as soothing upset children (which definitely works best when adults are calm and are able to lead by co-regulation).
This is such a tricky dynamic to pick your way out of, if it is the case; you're probably trying to avoid your DC being exposed to -or the cause of- your DP's anxiety, especially if it manifests with some challenging behaviour. Technically, there is of course nothing that you can do that your husband can't do: but the reality feels about a million miles away from that.
My DP used to get anxious when in charge of DC after bedtime and I made similar sacrifices to you. Despite explaining to friends and family, people really lacked imagination and empathy with me let alone with DP: I felt really unsupported and judged in what was obviously quite a rubbish situation for me, yet one which prompted the most simplistic, "why don't you just..." kind of responses.

If that's the case then Your DH needs to better learn how to manage his own MH issues. If that means a trip to the doctor to sort out an effective management system for it, then that's what he should do. It's not for you to manage the issue by tiptoeing round him by means of keeping DC quiet/under control etc and never going out yourself to always be there to do it.

SlightlyJaded · 01/07/2023 00:45

At 3 and 6 they are old enough for you to explain that sometimes you will be going out and Daddy will be there to look after them. And then Daddy can be responsible for 'dealing' with the first couple of times if they are hysterical.

They'll soon get used to it.

QueSyrahSyrah · 01/07/2023 00:52

I'm sorry but your DH sounds pathetic and you just need to stop enabling it. I remember babysitting as a teen and having a kiddo wake up and be panicked that Mum & Dad weren't there. I wouldn't have dreamt of calling them to come back unless there was a literal life or death emergency.

There was lots of 'Mummy & Daddy are out just now but it's fine, I'm here and we're fine and we're safe, so let's have a cuddle and a story and then when you wake up in the morning Mummy & Daddy will be here again'.

If I as a clueless teen babysitter could settle unsettled kids I'm damn sure their own Dad could if he actually tried.

Irunoncoffeemascaraandhighheels · 01/07/2023 00:53

Bubblesoffun · 01/07/2023 00:42

And the winner of today’s most ridiculous, baseless and reaching post with no actual proof goes to…

Show quote history

It's not actually. The evidence is he called OP home and told her she was selfish for going out. There's every possibility he did wake DC to cause a scene so he'd have a "reason" to do that, as a way of controlling OP. Control doesn't always look like outright being told you can't/not allowed to do something, that would be too obvious and lots wouldn't put up with it. Control is often more insidious and less obvious, it often looks like someone making life so difficult/unbearable it's just easier/more bearable to do what they want. In this case he wants OP home to deal with DC, always. It's not at all beyond the realms of possibility that he engineered a situation to put her off bothering going out ever again.

Epidote · 01/07/2023 01:06

You are not selfish, he seems useless.

Next time tell your DC you are going out for a bit. Practice, one week half an hour, next week a hour, no need to go anywhere just for a coffee. It is called training, your DC will learn you are back on time and your DH will learn to take care of them.
Do you remember how did you teach them the potty training and many other stuff? with love, reassurance and patience, use those skills.

Don't feel guilty and teach them as you have taught them lots of things before.

Your DC have a excuse because they are young and they want everything on their terms. Your DH hasn't. He is a grown up projecting his frustration on you because he is unable to settle his children. Don't let him.

BonnieBobbin · 01/07/2023 01:09

You say you want him to be able to settle them but what have either of you tried to make that happen? Also, it's a Friday night. The DCs are small. What harm would it have done if he had let them sit up for a while when they woke rather than calling you to rush home? Or are you saying that they can't ever be alone with their dad without becoming hysterical? He needs to step up. You need to stop enabling him.

ShinyPikachu · 01/07/2023 01:12

6 and 3 aren't babies . He should be able to settle them and tbh it sounds like he probably didn't even try. I bet they cried and he messaged you straight away. That's what my ex did when I "dared" to go out. I only got a good night out after I left him and other people had no problem settling my kids.

HighEndGrifters · 01/07/2023 01:13

Not quite in the same vein, but relevant.

I had a huge and I mean HUGE career enhancing situation, I had worked on it for nigh on a year, having taken over from someone who professed to be brilliant but wasn't. No accommodation booked for people who had flown in from around the world. That is just the tip of the iceberg.

However, I digress, the night before the conference was set to begin, DS then (5) started vomiting, I looked at DH, who was supposed to be flying to a banking meeting in Switzerland the next day, he looked at me and said.......I don't feel well enough to fly tomorrow.

In that instant I remembered why I married him.

That my friend is a balanced marriage.

Yeahno · 01/07/2023 01:14

Let them be hysterical. It's part of the process. Next time switch your phone off or put it on silent.

Notimeforaname · 01/07/2023 01:19

Stop being such a martyr and tell everyone to sort themselves out. Their daddy is a loser. I'd just go out and switch off the phone.
This. And dont answer your phone. The children are hysterical because they know you will come, just stop doing that. He is their parent. Leave him to parent.

Mustbethewine · 01/07/2023 01:33

My DH, a couple of years or so after we met, took care of my 2 DC (from a previous relationship) while I went to celebrate a friends birthday. My DC would have been around 7 and 5. This was the first time he'd cared for them in the evening and the first time being solely in charge of bedtime. He had major, and I mean major difficulty getting them to sleep. I had no idea until the following morning. I'd called and texted during the evening, but he continuously told me everything was good, so I would enjoy my evening even though he was freaking out.

Your DH doesn't have an excuse. He's their DF. He needs to grow up and deal with it.

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