Had to leave a party early because my kids wouldn't settle for dad

[Givemestrength23]

Just feeling sorry for myself really. 2 kids, 1 with anxiety- she always needs me. Daddy won't do. Ends in screaming and hysteria whenever I'm not there. So I'm always there. Never go anywhere except work without them. Literally nowhere. Invited to a party of an old colleague tonight. Decided to do something for me and went. Got them both settled and asleep before I went. Didn't tell them I was going - knew they would just be upset and not settle if i did. Of course 1 woke up, couldn't be settled by dad, got upset, woke the other. Cue dh calling me to come home at 10pm, couldnt do anything with them. Both hysterical. Now I'm trying to settle them both while he calls me selfish. Just feeling sorry for myself right now

It seems wildly unlikely that the reverse would often be the case, that the children are distressed without their father and so he can't ever have any time to himself without being made to feel guilty and summoned home.

OP I feel claustrophobic just resding this, I suspect though the situation quite suits your DH as he can opt out of having to look after his children by himself (the horror of having to do that for one evening). You need to work together to sort this, it's not sustainable or fair on you mainly but also not on the children; god forbid if something happened to you and you needed time in hospital or whatever you don't also want to be worrying about this. Start small, tell them you are going out for say 30 mins alone and then return and don't make a big fuss of it. Then extend that out, DH will have to play his part and find things that work to calm them down and to reassure them.

I could’ve written this a few years ago! When DD was little, she wouldn’t settle with DH AT ALL. It was awful. She was mummy’s little girl and she came everywhere with me. I had an older DS who was just awesome and would happily plod off with daddy. DD, on the other hand, was only content with me. I found that getting DH to take her on trips out (even to the supermarket!) really helped build their bond. Now, they are absolute besties and she adores her dad. Maybe getting them to do a hobby for just the two of them would get her build a stronger relationship? As I say, even doing regular food shops together where DD can pick and scan the items and it’s “their thing”. Good luck @Givemestrength23

Honestly, I think most people could see he's completely failed at being part of a team here. Then people like you rock up!

And why do people fail? He hasn’t had the opportunity to settle them? OP jumps up everytime the child cries?

Teach him OP - or teach your children to accept you won’t be there occasionally. But either way you need help.

Op, I feel for you as I also have a clingy toddler who has only ever wanted me at night despite a great relationship with dad.
I hated the thought of my little one screaming for me but I never went out so when old colleagues were meeting up, I decided I wanted to go. First thing we did, was tell my son (he was 22 months at the time). He wasn't happy, he cried, he said he wanted mummy tonight, screamed no daddy. We reassured him I'd be back when he's sleeping and daddy would give him lots of cuddles. We told him maybe two or three times throughout the day. The first time I left, he waved me off and happily went to bed with dad.

I then got pregnant and knew we had to keep practicing for when I went into labour. We did the same routine all the time and I'd occasionally leave (dad is great with him, stays very calm, and gives him time and patience so that is important). Some evenings were ok, some evenings DS cried on and off until he went to sleep. But at the end of the day, he was with someone he trusted, who was with him giving him comfort.

Our second DS is 5 months now and toddler DS still wants me at night. Whilst I'm at home, I do it. Because I personally couldn't sit in the living room while he cried for me. But if I had to go out, I wouldn't begrudge myself that or feel bad. DH is his dad and DS will be ok going to bed with him even if it's upsetting.

I'd advise keep working on it. Is your DH in general a good dad? Does he have a good relationship with your little ones? You need time for you too, and shouldn't be feeling bad for leaving once in a while to go out.

I hope everyone had a good nights sleep in the end.
The name calling is utterly inexcusable. Dh is a massive knob.
It has highlighted how incompetant dh is. His answer is that you never go out, to save him the effort and bother.

This is crisis point. Shake up your routines, tell the dc 'Ask Daddy' or 'Daddy will help'. Don't be so quick to provide all the solutions.

If he takes a break from parenting, make damn sure you get your break later on.

Who looks after them while you work?

How he has the audacity to call you selfish, I do not know. Utter prick.

He’s failing here and he needs to step up and learn to care for his own children. Useless.

I bet he goes out plenty, am I right?

This has triggered a memory for me.

My stay at home mum wanted to do something for herself and enrolled in to evening classes at the local college. My father was not happy about it. When mum was at the college my Dad started a huge fight with me, I can't remember the specifics of it but I remember he threw a TV at me and tried to push me out of my bedroom window. My father drove up to the college and picked my mum up stating 'you need to go and deal with your daughter'. Of course, she dutifully left, came home to her terrified daughter and never returned to college.

Does the children's Dad not want you going out? I wonder how much he tried to comfort them....I wonder if he said things to upset them further? I'm also wondering why the kids are so unhappy with their father.

I apologies if I'm completely barking up the wrong tree, however as I said, this triggered a memory for me. The fact he called you selfish makes me think that he doesn't want you to have a life outside the home.

I wouldn’t be surprised if he woke the DC up on purpose and created this whole drama just to get you to come home.

To call you selfish for going out sounds as if he resents you having any life outside of your domestic life and he wants you to be home all of the time so that he doesn’t have to take care of his own children.

He sounds utterly pathetic and either he needs to step up or ship out.

They've all got you right where they want you.
DC become hysterical so mummy comes running.
Dh can't cope because DC are hysterical so mummy comes running, then he chucks in that you're selfish.
You're your own worst enemy, you realise this isn't going to get better, right?
Your DC are safe, warm, fed, not in any danger as they're with their df.
Absolutely no reason for you to go home, you need to be firm, let them cry it out, it's not going to kill them.
The 6 yr old is definitely old enough to be told that this behavior is not acceptable and your dh is definitely old enough to be told he needs to reel his neck in and do some parenting.

I get why you did but actually doing it this way is actually demonstrating they should be anxious.

you need to spin it. My oldest was like this so we started making it fun and gradually. Daddy came home with loads of treats and a new movie and set up a floor picnic while I popped out. The first time was an hour. And we gradually built up to a full evening. He didn’t do bedtime or anything in those days. Just let them fall asleep on couch or he moved floor picnic to bedtime movies (in our bed). Key thing was he didn’t do any of the stuff around sleep because that’s what triggered her.

You work so they are used to being left with someone while you work. So you can go out to not have fun but you can't go out to have fun?

I expect they cried when they first were left with their childminder/nursery/teacher too? But they got over it because it wasn't feasible to give up your job because your children were upset at first.

Your husband is being pathetic but you have enabled this siutation to develop. You both need to work on this now and start leaving them with him for brief amounts of time or him taking them to activities as PP suggested.

It was a disaster waiting to happen you know what there like
this needs to be sorted permanently just going out and presuming it would be ok was never going to work
you need to work on this properly to get them to be less reliant on you it’s not good for them or you

Also not telling them you were going out how an earth was that going to help

I have a friend like you. Her and her OH have found themselves in a position where she can't go out because her 11, 8, 5 year olds can't be settled to, or back, to sleep by dad.

Part of it is her insistence in the early days that she did it, so she made the children reliant on her. Part of it is his incompetence and her making him feel incompetent, and always being the solution instead of letting him sort it out himself.

Think if you've had any part to play in this too OP.

This. He needs to ba able to ride it out, not run to you.

Him calling you selfish is despicable. He should be apologising and guilt ridden for ruining your one night out. How is he in the rest of your relationship?

I think you have both caused this.

It was unfair / selfish for you to go out without telling the children so your DH had to deal with them being hysterical alone. But your DH should be able to calm them down/ put them to bed at ages 6 and 3.

You both need to get the DC used to being alone with DH/ he needs to be doing bedtime, what would happen in an emergency? He has allowed you to do everything alone and you have enabled it. You need to work together.

Oh dear what a feeble twat he is 🙄 cannot believe he called you to go home id have shrivelled up in embarrassment 😩

Kids get upset like this sometimes, its not nice to see or know about but you need to push through otherwise they become the sort who can't stay at friends houses or do residentials at school etc. Friends kid was the same now she's 13 and had to call mum to pick her up from a sleepover at 11pm because she needed mum (no SN just mollycoddled when younger)

As for your DH...eeew, I've got ick by proxy.

Do you do the bedtime routine by yourself? If so I would start to do it jointly with H. Sleep is very habit formed and most of us have little rituals or cues we rely on to fall asleep. You may be your daughters. She needs to associate her Dad with that safe cost feeling that cues her to relax and sleep. Get him to be with you at the bedtime ritual. Then slowly get him to start taking over it. Then you can slowly start to remove yourself from parts of it. Till you don’t need to be there at all. It might take months but hopefully it will work.

How much of a hands on Dad is he? He may need to just spend more time with his daughter to build up more of a role.

Sometimes you need to take a step back and say "how have we arrived here?". All four of you are in a ridiculous situation and as the major loser in it all, you need to drive yourself out of it. The other three won't because it suits them and you allow it to keep happening by pandering to it. You and DH need to sit down and work out a plan. You could start by being in the house at bedtime but just less "available", so DH is doing more and you just go up for story /night night kiss or whatever. Then move on to you being out for that (even just hide outside the front door) and then doing story etc etc in baby steps.

He shouldn’t have called you selfish. But they do need to be able to settle without you.
Have you asked him what he tried? Did he just call you straight away?
Presumably someone looks after them while you work, what happens then?

YABU because you have created this situation by pandering to them all.

He needs to find a way to settle them and if he can’t, it’s tough.

Lots to think about here so thank you all for your advice

I think you were selfish to not tell them you were going out and prepping them if it is very unusual for you to be out of the house. Children need boundaries to feel safe and you've said in an update that you did it as otherwise you wouldn't have gone.

You need to use last night as a springboard and talk to DH today. That'll tell you whether he is intentionally incompetent or whether he wants to be an equal parent. Frame it as you need to train the children (as you did for potty training etc) for you not to be there incase of a hospital visit/other emergency. Go in it with a cohesive approach in mind teaching the children new skills not blaming him for being a shit dad who can't cope as that won't do you any favours.

Find an exercise class that runs a few nights a week or a cinema showing or just go for a walk as its nice out and then prep the children, "tonight dad is going to do bedtime, you are going to have a bath and read a story and go to sleep then when I come home I'll come and give you a kiss" If they start crying deflect, ask them which book dad should read or what pj's they will wear etc.

You shouldn't have to but you need to prep dad too, you need to accept your part in this situation as you have enabled it. Like any person new to a job, parents learn by experience and it doesn't sound like he has done so yet. Breakdown this into manageable steps, the first is to make sure he can calm them even if they aren't asleep when you come back, then build up to getting them asleep. It's OK for him to put them to bed in his way, to make special routines with the children it doesn't have to be exactly how you do it. If they start getting hysterical If they wake up crying to reassure them, read them another story, watch TV, learn to reregulate them and then the crutches of tv/extra book can be reduced.

This is awful. Do the kids normally wake up? Your dh could have taken them down to watch a movie instead seeing it's the weekend, if they couldn't settle. He sounds pretty crap.

You need to go out more op. Let your dc know that you'll be out and back by 12 or whatever and that dh will be putting them
To bed.

My dc loved me going out because dh let them stay up later watching films and eating snacks. Your dh could do something similar.