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Original poster

Had to leave a party early because my kids wouldn't settle for dad

199 replies

Givemestrength23 · 30/06/2023 22:57

Just feeling sorry for myself really. 2 kids, 1 with anxiety- she always needs me. Daddy won't do. Ends in screaming and hysteria whenever I'm not there. So I'm always there. Never go anywhere except work without them. Literally nowhere. Invited to a party of an old colleague tonight. Decided to do something for me and went. Got them both settled and asleep before I went. Didn't tell them I was going - knew they would just be upset and not settle if i did. Of course 1 woke up, couldn't be settled by dad, got upset, woke the other. Cue dh calling me to come home at 10pm, couldnt do anything with them. Both hysterical. Now I'm trying to settle them both while he calls me selfish. Just feeling sorry for myself right now

OP posts:
PrinceHaz · 01/07/2023 08:46

Takeabreather23 · 01/07/2023 08:43

@Givemestrength23 it would have caused major upset …. From who ?
I vet the feeling the kids get upset then it’s your husband that gets even More upset. The kids feel the atmosphere and are even more upset.
vicious circle unless dh gets how act together.
you can’t live like this

Exactly. He’s not going to learn to do this better, though.

MagpieSong · 01/07/2023 08:48

I think part of the issue is that it was a sudden change. Is it possible for dad to do more bedtimes and resettling while you’re around? Then it seems less unusual to both children and just part of the norm really. My children can both be like this, but we made it a rule my dh gets the youngest to sleep, then she co-sleeps with me in the night. My oldest I usually do bedtime, but dh does sometimes and previously we alternated so he’s used to a dad bedtime. Dh also tucks him in after he’s read to himself. It’s a lot of pressure on you and I can see why you feel down about it.

LuckySantangelo35 · 01/07/2023 08:49

You need to start going out a lot more OP

EastCoastRye · 01/07/2023 08:51

This is a situation of your joint making, and in particular of your husband's making. The fact that he called you selfish for going out once in a blue moon makes me wonder whether his inability to settle his own kids is in reality a way to keep you at home. I even wonder whether he deliberately woke them up.

The solution is that you go out much more, tell your kids and help them prepare, and come home at a pre-agreed time NOT in response to a call from DH, whatever the kids do. He needs to support you in this and commit to helping them settle. If he's not willing to do this, I'd be concerned that he's exploiting their clinginess as a means of control.

dottiedodah · 01/07/2023 08:54

I think you need to set boundaries here OP .Yes he sounds a bit wet for not being able to settle them .However ,and I mean this kindly the phrase "Daddy wont do" implies that maybe unknowingly ,you have fallen into a trap of always being there .and again no offence but with babies ,some women settle babe on their own and find it hard to hand over to partner .Cue present problem .I think you need to tell DC (when not going out) that sometimes you need a break to see your friends (like she sees Lily or Susie whatever).Dont leave without telling her .Also maybe leave for 30 mins or so and gradually build up to longer

Jobinterviewhelpme · 01/07/2023 09:00

Oh I really feel for you OP my 4 year old is pretty much the same. I find that if I give her plenty if warning that mummy is going out ie I tell her a few days before and mention it again every so often that really does help.

babbscrabbs · 01/07/2023 09:01

Why does he think you're selfish?

Because you went out?

Or because you want to be the only one who's can settle the children?

If you always rush in as soon as they shout mummy he probably feels incompetent.

You both need to believe he's a capable parent and that even if they're upset, the children will be ok in his care.

Then he needs to start working on his relationship with them, playing and having fun with them more (if he doesn't already).

Then he needs to build some coping strategies for dealing with them when they're crying for you (because it can be v difficult to work through).

Then you need to go out more!

Tourmalines · 01/07/2023 09:02

ImAOneWayMotorway · 01/07/2023 08:44

Everyone calling the man useless here and pinning all this on him. To have a 6 year old hysterical at being left in the evening you most certainly must pander to them, the fact your 3 year old is the same this isn't just 1 child doing this which suggests there must be something in how you are raising them to make them this clingy. This behaviour must be learned from somewhere?

My kids did this when they were breastfed, only at going to sleep time though as they refused to take a bottle. It was actually my fault they didn't take a bottle because I couldn't be bothered to express milk and get them to accept it early on, I was precious and didn't want them to have a bottle. I did this 3 times, and fed them all until around 2-2.5. All my doing. As soon as I stopped breastfeeding though they stopped being this clingy. My youngest is still breastfed, but what we did with the older 2 (5 and 7) is have my husband take over bedtime as soon as they stopped needing me to feed to sleep. So it's switched off this relying on me, worked a treat. Maybe you've continued being the default parent rather than realising you needed to pass the baton once they arent so reliant on you?

This

AppleCinnamonBagel · 01/07/2023 09:03

LittleOwl153 · 01/07/2023 00:17

My guess is your husband woke one of them up and told them you were out.

Why did he do this? Because he didn't want you to go out and enjoy yourself without him. HE is the selfish one here. And he won't change. Those poor kids, the damage he is doing them...

That's what I think, too.

Either he steps up and parents his own children when OP goes out with friends or he can parent them on his own every other weekend because he'll be divorced!

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 01/07/2023 09:22

From having NDN’s with younger children who went out and left their DH with them it can be easier to start with shorter, local outings eg for an hour for a drink, then to a film etc. Your DH definitely needs to be able to settle them and they need to and can understand that mummy needs downtime and socialising just as they have play dates and go to parties.

If DH can’t do this I’d consider getting a babysitter for the odd night out if only to prove that they can settle without you and even better with a “stranger”. Your DH needs to step up though and parent them more and you need to be if you do most of it, stop being the default parent for comforting them.

Some parents (there was a German mum in our street are maybe culturally firmer, she ran her house with a degree of precision but the kids wouldn’t have dared not settle for their dad. Not threats just she didn’t take any nonsense from the kids and wouldn’t have the same nonsense from the dad.

There was one parent/friend on the street who was divorced and her DC was older and she came out with me once. We got home and I saw her to her house and to my shock found her ex DH (he was helping babysit) sitting in the living room and both kids waiting up for her and him with a face like thunder as if she was late (she wasn’t) or had dared to go out without him -he’d offered to kind them. I’m not sure what my friend did but she seemed mortified and though we went out again I could see why they were getting divorced. It didn’t help that her son had ASD.

MollysBrolly · 01/07/2023 09:23

Can you be available for them to call on the phone/face time until they settle?

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 01/07/2023 09:24

Your DC are more than old enough to understand you going out and it not causing a major upset to them.

Mikimoto · 01/07/2023 09:25

The long and short of it is, OP has brought them up to be this way.

Perhaps OP has an underlying need to be "wanted", leaving the party by announcing to all "I HAVE to go to my kids...they NEED me".

curlywurlylover666 · 01/07/2023 09:26

My 2 are 5 and 3 and they have also always wanted me at bedtime as well so I understand where you're coming from. It's tough leaving the house when you know they won't settle for bedtime.

The difference is that Dad would NEVER dream of ringing me to come home early from a night out and most definitely wouldn't call me selfish for wanting to enjoy an evening. Your husband is really out of line and I would only expect a call if there was a serious problem.

storypushers · 01/07/2023 09:26

Givemestrength23 · 30/06/2023 23:21

The kids are 3 and 6. I answered the phone because i knew from past expthat they really would be hysterical, he wouldn't settle them however long I left it

Well so what. It won't kill them to cry for a few hours. Not pleasant for him but it needs to be done. I bet they'd settle much quicker if they were told 'no, mummy is out, you'll see her in the morning' and weren't waiting for you to come back to deal with them.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 01/07/2023 09:29

MollysBrolly · 01/07/2023 09:23

Can you be available for them to call on the phone/face time until they settle?

That can make it worse in my opinion. She just crinkly needs to say she’s going out, dad is looking after then and she’ll see them next morning. Whilst it’s built up into a huge disruptive night it’ll never work.

My DNephew at 4 had to have me or grandmama stay with him and reassure him when parents were out. One day me and DM were both over there but DM told him a story from her head and he just dropped off to sleep, rare aa he’s not been great with bedtimes and settling but is now.

In the morning he woke up and very surprised said “ I slept in my room without grandma/parents”. But he was really proud and pleased with himself for doing this but hadn’t expected this outcome. After that it was easy to mind him.

NerrSnerr · 01/07/2023 09:30

Does he go out in the evening OP? I bet he does and doesn't think he's selfish.

SkaterBrained · 01/07/2023 09:30

I have a friend whose husband would encourage this to sabotage her ever going out. He'd do weird shit like say "I miss mummy too, I hope she's coming back..."

I thought it was really strange that a 3yo could have anxiety until I saw dad drop her off at nursery, pushing every button about how awful it would be until the child was a state.

I'd try not to focus on this one incident, but rather hoe such a small child is so anxious in the first place. It's not normal unless there's been trauma or grief or something.
If there's even a chance DH is trying to keep your worlds small, you need to know that asap.

Hope it's not that, and he's just incompetent.

Helleboreplant · 01/07/2023 09:32

So your selfish because you always put them to bed. Time for him to start doing it and sticking to it.

ThatFraggle · 01/07/2023 09:41

You've trained them that hysterical crazy crying brings mummy.

Anothermam · 01/07/2023 09:44

I have a 6yo who would be fine to be left with his dad, and also now has the odd sleepover at my mums house. At 3 he might have cried for me but his dad would have been able to settle him.

Based on this I feel like your situation is unusual and you need to figure out how/why it's ended up like this.

georgarina · 01/07/2023 09:46

I am a single parent and have bad nights sometimes where my kids are hysterical
There's no one for me to call to fix it
We survive and get through it!
Nothing will change as long as you come home every time there's a problem

Viviennemary · 01/07/2023 09:56

You should have just left him to cope. You are not selfish. He is being ridiculous.

Gh12345 · 01/07/2023 10:00

Tbh I think you’re enabling this behaviour by coming home in the first place. It’s really not a good routine for the kids

FlamingoQueen · 01/07/2023 10:09

They need to learn that Mum does go out occasionally, but that Mum also comes home! Dad should not have rung you. It is bad that he is unable to cope with the children on his own. He should be ashamed of himself.
I think you need to make it a regular occurrence that you do go out (even if to the cinema or something) and stick to it.