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Original poster

Had to leave a party early because my kids wouldn't settle for dad

199 replies

Givemestrength23 · 30/06/2023 22:57

Just feeling sorry for myself really. 2 kids, 1 with anxiety- she always needs me. Daddy won't do. Ends in screaming and hysteria whenever I'm not there. So I'm always there. Never go anywhere except work without them. Literally nowhere. Invited to a party of an old colleague tonight. Decided to do something for me and went. Got them both settled and asleep before I went. Didn't tell them I was going - knew they would just be upset and not settle if i did. Of course 1 woke up, couldn't be settled by dad, got upset, woke the other. Cue dh calling me to come home at 10pm, couldnt do anything with them. Both hysterical. Now I'm trying to settle them both while he calls me selfish. Just feeling sorry for myself right now

OP posts:
FedUpWithEverything123 · 01/07/2023 01:36

You have a DH problem. He's an asshole.

ComeTheFckOnBridget · 01/07/2023 01:43

Stop being such a martyr and tell everyone to sort themselves out

Nailed it.

The longer you keep giving in, the longer it will continue. First few times will be shouty and tear ridden but then it'll fall into place. Stop making rods for your own back and look up some old episodes of 3 day nanny if you want to watch other parents break the habit.

Freefall212 · 01/07/2023 01:43

You need to leave them more often so their dependence on you decreases. Dad will never be able to settle then if he almost never gets the chance. You need to be away more so the kids also see dad as a support and so he can learn to settle them too.

ComeTheFckOnBridget · 01/07/2023 01:46

FedUpWithEverything123 · 01/07/2023 01:36

You have a DH problem. He's an asshole.

It's not just him. Op- you enable it.

always needs me. Daddy won't do. Ends in screaming and hysteria whenever I'm not there.

This can't continue. You don't say which child it is, unless I missed that bit. If it's your 6yo do they really suffer from anxiety or is it learned behaviour to you not being around?

ComeTheFckOnBridget · 01/07/2023 01:46

(Not that you're an asshole op!)

HighEndGrifters · 01/07/2023 01:53

On the back of your posting name, I suspect you are in Ireland.

In that case he is a spoilt Mammy boy.

If he is not, a spolit Irish Mammy boy, you have an ever bigger problem…

Just saying

HighEndGrifters · 01/07/2023 01:55

PS That is an Irish woman of 59’s observation.

Didkdt · 01/07/2023 02:02

You need to hold your ground
you were not given a set of extra instructions for how to settle the children, you didn’t get a head start
he can do this, and he must
and if you want any reason why, the short one is you could get hit by a bus tomorrow, and then what?
he knows how to play your children to get what he wants because he’s too scared to parent

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/07/2023 02:10

Could you please explain why he thinks you're selfish?

dogmandu · 01/07/2023 02:18

Vintagecreamandcottagepie · 30/06/2023 23:26

@Sometimeswinning

I may well have misunderstood what she's saying, but her update tells me that neither her or her parnltner wanted her (still young) children to stay hysterical for long. I read it she wanted some sympathy for what had happened, and some acknowledgement that it's not ideal that they need only her so badly. Maybe some suggestions how to sort that out.

Not everyone piling on as to what a selfish lover her partner is because he couldn't settle them.

They need to work as a team here.

Totally agree. I wouldn't have left them screaming either. Both OP and her DH need to prepare the children for their mum not always being there if they wake up.

BonnieBobbin · 01/07/2023 02:32

Her DCs don't 'need her so badly'. It's a fallacy that her and her DH have created for different reasons. Him because it means he doesn't need to do anything and can control her time. Her because it means she doesn't have to confront the fact her DH isn't parenting.
One of the DC is 6. If OP is in the UK, that means they're at school - so they don't need OP so badly all the time. They have already worked to overcome the daily separation anxiety.

MadelineZott · 01/07/2023 02:33

I take it DH never goes out alone? Otherwise, how dare he call you selfish for wanting one single night off. Time for him to step up and do bedtime every night until they settle happily for him. Or can you separate them so they don't wind each other up and work on one first, then the other? The situation is unsustainable.

Brightbear · 01/07/2023 02:48

Ridiculous situation! Children need to learn to get on with it, your being able to come home should not be an option. I don’t hold with one has anxiety, they just want their own way. Your DH is useless and you are enabling all this.

You need to sort all this out, with your DH on board, to stop all this nonsense!

ReturnoftheMuck · 01/07/2023 02:53

My eldest DD is kind of like this, except I won't let it stop me from going out. I'd forgotten about it because it generally hasn't been an issue for a while. Then there was shouting and screaming initially this week when I went out but she had to go to sleep eventually and was by 8pm.

My DH has his own way of dealing with her which is changing over the years and will never call me to say how badly unsettled she is.

Your DH is the problem, it sounds like he doesn't want you to go out and have fun (hence why it's fine when you're working and he's calling you selfish this time because it was social). He could settle them if he really wanted to and put in the effort, although perhaps he's not a great father in general and his connection to his kids is that poor that he genuinely can't? Although if that's the case I'd ask what he actually brings to the table?

ReturnoftheMuck · 01/07/2023 03:02

@Givemestrength23 Who puts them to bed and how do you do it? It sounds like your DH needs to take the lead on this for a little while for your DC to get better with this. It was the only way with mine. My youngest didn't even notice I'd gone out the other day.

They need to know sometimes mummy has to pop out to the shops/petrol/bread for the morning, etc. so take yourself off for a tea and cake a few evenings to get them used to the fact you can and will go out during or after bedtime. Then work up to a night away if you need to.

I'm sorry you were called selfish, I'm thinking a lot of things of your DH and you are most definitely not the selfish one.

Trez1510 · 01/07/2023 03:17

If he's calling you selfish for leaving without explaining to them you were going out, then I agree with him. You opted out of facing the 'hysteria' which is, in great part, of your own making.

From their perspective you have 'abandoned' them without advance explanation of your absence. Combine that with their previous demands for your presence/attention always being met meaning you set your husband up to 'fail' when they wakened. It also, conveniently, allows you to be the martyr sweeping in to solve the problem.

I did a power of babysitting in my teens/early twenties (large family - heaps of nieces/nephews) and I can attest to the fact children who knew they parents were out/going out were far less distressed if/when they woke up and their parents weren't there. They were also much, much easier to settle than those whose parents 'sneaked out' (abandoned in a three year old's mind) to avoid any crying/tantrums spoiling their night.

Similarly, at six years old I was comforting my three-year-old cousin who was staying with us (without her Mum) and was missing her Mum when she woke in the night. I was certainly not joining in with her distress/hysteria.

Gymnopedie · 01/07/2023 03:31

Now I'm trying to settle them both while he calls me selfish.

I bet he goes out on his own regularly and doesn't even think about it, just assumes you'll be at home looking after the DCs. But when you want a tiny bit of that for yourself he makes sure he ruins it for you and calls you selfish.

It's time for some hard talking OP, but also working with the DCs to not always want you. I suspect you're in a bit of a vicious cycle with that, he mucks it up so they want the one they can rely on. Maybe time to big up daddy and tell them how good he is. But if he doesn't step up, have a good think about your future.

Summerfun54321 · 01/07/2023 03:55

As a 15 year old I babysat a 3 and 6 year old. They would give me absolute hell then I'd finally get them settled and to sleep just before the parents got home from their night out and I'd say the children had been angels. If a 15 year old can do that, surely a grown man can.

Florenz · 01/07/2023 04:02

How does the 6 year old get on at school?

WandaWonder · 01/07/2023 04:18

A very similar situation happened in reverse and the women was at home, it was expected the man come home to help so no idea why the replies to this are different

Meepme · 01/07/2023 04:53

@Givemestrength23 unless your husband is difficut in other ways, I think the issue here is you have both not worked out a plan on how to deal with your children. They need to learn to cope with you being away.

My ex would have been like this as he was abusive and couldn't manage the children alone so took his frustrations out on me. What's your husband usually like?

Goldencup · 01/07/2023 05:17

Sensibletrousers · 01/07/2023 00:08

Practice! Like you’ve had to!

You are feeding into their anxiety by never leaving them - it confirms their belief that they have to have you there to be safe.

We need mummy to be safe > so you never leave them > We must have been right, we do need mummy to be safe.

Stop it. They need to see from experience that they can be safe without you, with a different safe adult. The only way to do this is to keep doing it. They need to believe they will be fine without you.

Build up their tolerance. Wean them off of you as their only safe person. Go out for one hour one evening before bedtime. Tell them “mummy’s going out for one hour, daddy’s here whilst I am gone, and you will all be fine”. They will likely be upset etc but it’s just an hour, your DH can cope, and then you’ll get home and say “see, we missed each other but you were all fine, just like I said!”.

Do that a few times, once a week, then start to extend it over a bedtime, “mummy’s off out now, I will be three hours so you will be asleep when I get back but I promise I will come and kiss you in bed when I get in. You’ll be fast asleep! Have fun with daddy like you always do”.

Once you stop reinforcing their anxiety and demonstrate that they are safe without you, and your DH has some practice, life should get better for all of you!

Show quote history

This something like a pilates class or an evening swim. Start small, little and often, be home for 9.

moneymatr · 01/07/2023 05:30

I think the reason he can't settle them is because you intervene so they know you will come back. He needs to learn to manage them and you need to let him

Peony654 · 01/07/2023 05:32

Vintagecreamandcottagepie · 30/06/2023 23:10

It's a bit much calling.him pathetic and a loser on the information that's been given. If he's great in every other way but not prepared to let his children scream hysterically for hours on end- I couldn't listen to that either.

How old are the children?

If very young, you have to expect disruptions like this. You both need to work together on making your children less needy for you tho...

I have some sympathies with your oh actually- I was bloody awful at doing bedtimes. Me and my partner were there to support each other at bedtime (three close together).

If the children are older, you need to prewarn them what's happening and together with your partner come up with some strategies to make them less reliant on you, and able to cope when you aren't there.

I agree with this. I’m going to assume it had got really bad for him to call. But you need to work as a family to make sure your kids are happy without you there

Tourmalines · 01/07/2023 05:36

Sorry , this problem is because of both you and your DH . It seems dh has never had any routine with night time . He should have . The girls should know he’s there and they are safe with him . You need to step back .You need to reinforce this until it sinks in . If this continues they will always be the same , and this is no good for anyone.