DD12 - being scammed by friend?

[Doopersuper]

Hey, a bit of a wwyd!…and sorry, tried not to be too long but don’t want to drip feed! DD12 swims 4-5 times a week with a swim club. She & a friend have a locker that they share (we rent it on a yearly basis) so that we don’t have to worry about trailing kit around. In the locker they have their own stuff that they keep separately and a basket/bag of kit they don’t mind sharing. Friend was off for a week and in this time DD12 used a shampoo that was in the shared bag. It was in a supermarket own brand bottle. When friend returned they (and their parent) went nuts because DD had ‘stolen’ their expensive shampoo….apparently it’s a ‘designer’ brand that they had decanted into the own brand bottle and they deny leaving it in the shared section and claim dd took it on purpose (worth noting here it would not have served her hair type well in any way!). We have already stood our ground (it was ugly😬) and thought it had gone away but they’ve started demanding a replacement again after today’s training session. They want DD to give them £30!! Part of me thinks we should just give them the cash and never have dealings with them again but the other part of me is questioning what example that sets for DD - just acquiesce every time you’re accused of something wrongly?! It’s all bloody daft but has become very unpleasant which is very sad. Actually, don’t tell me what to do, just persuade me that this sort of bonkersness is rare!!

Print this out and laminate it, then stick it prominently on the front of your DD's new locker!

Did your DD use it one time, or for the whole week her friend was away?

Have they bollocks decanted fancy shampoo into a supermarket bottle - Who has that sort of free time?

I think if she has used 'their' precious shampoo, then as a PP said, buy a bottle and pump two squirts in a little tub in front of them all, including the coach, and state very clearly you expect that to be an end to the whole ridiculous business.

I bet their DC took in to swimming in a different bottle to hide it. And now they are trying it on instead of just accepting that their DC messed up. You wouldn't let your DC have that kind of expensive shampoo to take to the swimming baths!

No one would begrudge (even at that price) a squirt or two of shampoo to a child!

If you want the shampoo anyway then I would do as others have said - buy a bottle and put two squirts into a small container in front of them and the whole team!

Tell them once and for all, to fuck off and that you don't want to hear any more about it. Any time they come up to you, simply blank them.

Two options (both include buying the bottle of shampoo)

Buy the bottle, give it to them, never talk to them again - as its weird beyond weird.

Or

I would buy the branded bottle they claim it to be - take it to them, squirt one portion/ dose of what a person would use to wash their hair into either the original bottle, or an empty one, and say thank you for the one hair wash! Keep branded bottle just to prove a point!

I would buy a bottle of the shampoo that was in the locker, the supermarket stuff. Hand it over and say awful sorry there was a mix up, here is a replacement. You have replaced what you daughter reasonably believed she was using.

How much shampoo did your DD use? Just once or multiple times?

Also what kind of things would be kept in the "shared" box to go swimming? Seems bit unusual, you wouldn't share towels, swimming costumes etc

Also who decided to have a "shared" bit of the locker? Did both parents agree to this before, or just something the children did?

I would give them a travel bottle with any type of shampoo in it that was similar to what was used and say there's your replacement amount of shampoo that was used. When they say no we want a full bottle just say nope cause we didn't use a full bottle we used a hair wash amount. When they say that's not the same just say well I don't actually know what was in that bottle so that's a replacement hair wash and as far as I'm concerned you have had a replacement hair wash and I'm done with it but well done for ending a friendship and causing drama over one hair wash from a bottle that was in the shared basked, amazing example been set.

You and your DD did a nice thing for someone else and now they are trying to abuse that kindness. Ignore them and if they start to harass you again put in another complaint. I am sure they have a policy against bullying and harassment.

How odd. I can’t believe anyone would ask this even if someone did use their shampoo

Reply by text ‘DD will give friend £5 because of the mix-up about shampoo. We’re not going to discuss it any further’.

Unfortunately not. It’s long and complicated.

The girl (a) never wanted dd to associate with other girls. Only a few mutual friends that she got on with. She otoh had friends, who were not friends with my dd and my dd just accepted this. Then dd befriended another group of girls, who friend (a) didn’t like, including girl (b). A’s mum helped to blow this up and told my dd she was being a bad friend. This is when the bullying of dd really started, supported by the girl’s other friends. One btw is 3 years older.

Despite all this, the girls decided they still wanted to be friends but friend (a) wouldn’t let this blow over. Dd’s friend (a) badmouthed this other girl (b). A lot. The girl (b) got wind of it - not from my dd but through a mutual friend (c) and things blew up between the friend (a) and mutual friend (c). That evening, the badmouthed girl (b) made a large group FaceTime call to dd’s friend (a) and basically cyberbullied her. My dd repeatedly asked (b) not to make the call but still listened in, not knowing what to do. I knew nothing until the next day. Dd was so worried she made a recording of the whole thing to play to me. Dd stayed silent. I watched. It was awful viewing.

I approached the badmouthed girl’s mother (b) the next day as I was concerned about the events the previous evening, only for her to tell me she’d listened to the whole thing. Not only that it was her idea. She seemed completely unaware of how awful it was. Only able to see from her child’s pov and not understanding how it would have felt to have ten 11 and 12 year olds calling you.

The mum of dd’s friend (a) changed her dd’s number and declared my dd persona non gratis. She also badmouthed us to whomsoever would listen, including women I know and was on friendly terms with, the gardener she’d introduced me to as he blocked me and so forth. Dd’s friend (a) followed suit and tried to get their mutual friends to drop dd. This resulted in some horrible moments for my dd. Friend (a) attempted to spread rumours about my dd at school and so forth.

I obviously tried to discuss this with the mum. She ignored my text. I also made my dd write a card to the friend (a) apologising stating she tried to stop this. I know we weren’t believed. But it was the absolute truth as I saw the recording. All just before they returned to school in the summer of lockdown 1 when we had allowed the children free rein of their phones for their mental health. The irony.

The saddest thing is that I’d just been trying to get the girl (a) to the first day of school when I’d intended to contact the HOY to inform her that the girl was struggling. I no longer felt able to do this as her mum had contacted the school to report a cyber bullying event and implicated my dd. I only know about this as I also reported it myself as I was concerned about the girl (a).

Firstly, I would ask for the locker money that they stole from owe you.

Secondly, I would ask the mother for the brand of the shampoo, type (fine hair, anti-dandruff, etc.,) and scent (jasmine, rose, etc.,) and I would ask repeatedly in front of other parents and I would also repeatedly refuse to give them the money instead, saying loudly that since they have accused DD of being a thief (let’s share the crazy around the swimming club’s other parents) for using a small amount of shampoo, you feel it only right and just that you make reparation in the form of like for like.

I personally, would then buy the shampoo, and buy the exact same size bottle of cheap shampoo, in the same scent. So, 1 litre of e.g. olaplex and 2 x 1 litre bottles of ASDA own make in the same scent (or whatever very cheap shampoo comes in that particular fragrance). I would empty one bottle of the cheap shampoo out into the bin and rinse that bottle out. I would put the expensive shampoo in to the cheap bottle and then put that cheap bottle somewhere safe. I would decant the other (second) bottle of cheap shampoo into the expensive shampoo’s now empty bottle and throw the now empty second bottle on the bin.

Whilst I was spending all this money, I would probably buy some hair remover too.

Did you share the rental costs between you, or did you pay it all? If you've paid for it all then just tell them you'll take it off their share of the rent that's added up over the year(s).

They are total fruitcakes. Offer to pay for the shampoo used and have no more to do with them ever again. Who paid for the locķer. Or did you go halves

I know coach isn’t wanting to get involved but they can’t wash their hands if girl and her parents are accusing your dc of being a thief and bullying her into handing over money. There must be policies and perhaps part of a larger association with policies.
I’d want it clear that club won’t tolerate this type of behaviour.

I agree with this. It will make your DD's life a lot easier and that is reason enough in this case to just pay up.
ref part of me is questioning what example that sets for DD - just acquiesce every time you’re accused of something wrongly
a valid question but I think you've made your thoughts on this clear to her already by your reaction so far

You you would buy a supermarket shampoo bottle, empty its content in a garbage bin and fill it up with expensive one to take for swimming or would you buy a 1 quid empty travel bottle to decant into?

And even if they gave expensive shampoo to teenage daughter in a cheap shampoo bottle, amd let's say Op's dd was tempted to nick a cheap shampoo because that's what bottled said. How was she to know inside cheap bottle was a very special shampoo?

And even let's say that happened, what kind of decent mature parent start accusing a child of theft for shampoo and not even care that both girls had decent relationship even if at surface level. Would you not rather stop giving your dd expensive stuff or rather than risk your own reputation by creating such a drama in public?

The issue with handing over £30 for nothing. Means you become seen as a soft touch they'll be back with some other nonsense reason to scam money out you and doesn't teach the DD to stand up for herself.

Options
Pay £5 to cover the shampoo used.
Hand over a bottle of supermarkets shampoo.
Hand over bottle of the posh stuff filled with supermarket shampoo.

I don't actually believe it was £30 shampoo in any bottle.

So petty of them...I'd say she is no friend to your DD.

Other option: just stop talking to them

I think "I'm sorry that I didn't realise money was so tight for you. Here's 10p for the dollop of your shampoo that DD used" would be my response. Loudly, in front of everyone.

Oh!

I would be so tempted to do this!

And I would tell her to stop calling my child a thief. This isn't "theft". You have offered to pay for what your DD used, and TBH, I can't think of anyone I know who would even have asked for money in a situation like this.

Who pays for the locker ? If it’s just yourselves and not friends’ parents, then remind them and do a bit of maths to see if they owe you anything after deducting the price of the shampoo from the cost of the yearly rentals so far. Then, if you haven’t already, stop the shared facilities from now on.

It's official - intense soap operas are now Shampoo Operas.

And now a new suggestion. Surely what you want out of this situation is exoneration for DD and public humliation for mad parents (MP. Come to think of it, most MPs need public humiliation.)

Refer the whole situation to Judge Rinder. His team will probably like it because it's as mad as a box of frogs it's so interesting. Result - very public humiliation for scamming MPs, exoneration for DD or at worst, acknowledgement that she used wrong shampoo, incorrectly labelled, accidentally.

Poor you and dd.
Glad you've ended the locker sharing. I would quietly tell the biggest mouthed mum at swimming club the whole story and how unreasonable the cf mother has been. And how you are wondering if you've been scammed and other families should look out for this happening to them