Child free group of friends. One friend has had a baby

[Shebaguinea]

I'm in a group of about 10 friends in our 40s. Always been child free. Lots of conversations about not wanting children. Several friends do not enjoy being around kids at all. Id prefer to not be around kids, but will phone it in and do my best to try to help out friend.

1 friend unexpectedly found herself pregnant after a short relationship and now has a small baby.

Things are now becoming difficult socially. Friend often requests help/babysitting/people to go to child friendly events and soft play etc. I do not babysit. Never changed a nappy, never wanted a child etc. but I've cleaned her house, helped with laundry, batch cooked for her etc.

She now wants more help and has suggested a babysitting rota so she gets a night off a fortnight. None of us want to do this. I've always helped with cooking and cleaning and have done lots of lifts for hospital and dr appointments...but I most definitely do not want to help with childcare. None of us do.

Are we awful people? Friend seems to want us to step in as family/other parent and help her. I'm happy to assist with other things but honestly I don't want to.

You just need to be upfront now and say you are intentionally childless because looking after children is not how you want to spend your time so it’s a no from you for the babysitting rota and any other request for childcare.

Ooh tough. She's probably finding it tough but no a formal rota doesn't sound good does it. I think you're just going to have to be honest.

I can't understand why your friend thinks any of you would want to do this? I've never come across anything like people expecting their friends to help with their children in this way - particularly not on a regular rotation!

Very odd request and it sounds like you have done more than enough already by cooking and cleaning for her. My friends just came and gave DD a cuddle then went on their merry way, if they wanted to see DD at all

No, she's out of order.

(Join us on the childfree Mumsnetters board if you'd like!).

You’re not awful. That seems bizarre to me. I wouldn’t expect anyone to help. It was her decision to have the baby, presuming she’s not with the father

I have helped friends with newborns but they never asked for the help

No you're absolutely not. She chose to have a baby so the baby is her responsibility. She can pay for a babysitter if she wants a night out

Your friend sounds bonkers tbh - she wants a babysitting rota with a day off a fortnight?! That's not normal in my experience of friends with young DC.

You sound like you've been incredibly supportive already.

Surely if she is in contact with the father she can have days off on his contact days, rather than expecting you all to be some sort of babysitting club?

Haha, of course you aren’t being unreasonable. There’s no point making sacrifices in your own life (not having kids) so that you can enjoy unlimited free time and more disposable income, to then chuck the free time away looking after someone else’s kid. Your friend is ridiculous.

Very weird request especially as your group is a happily childfree group. There’s a childfree board here where you may be get better responses.

childfree here too. just laugh kindly - and add oh no. that would not be a good idea at all. and repeat.

We love her, but the father was a ONS/ casual thing and is not involved and her family live on a different continent.

I feel bad and kind of get why she'd hope we'd step in, and doing some housework/delivering some meals/giving lifts is fine, I can do that. Some of our friends are definitely stepping back from her completely.

She seems to want a CF group of people in their 40s to change their socialising and hobbies to accommodate her baby, and yes, help with childcare. I don't want to cut her out at all, she's a good person. But none of us want to help with the baby.

Thank you.

She’s got to find some ‘mum’ friends I’m afraid. Having DCs can be hard!

Wow shes cheeky. I have kids on a different continent to my family and have never had a night off but wouldnt dare ask a rota of my friends.

What? I became a widow unexpectedly when my kids were little but no one has ever
Cleaned my house
Babysat
Come to child activities (unless they have kids too)
Cooked for me...
It may take a village, but only if that village is willing!
Those kind of things only work if you are: a relative of said child or have kids of your own and the favour is reciprocated.

A rota so she can have time off every fortnight?! I think many parents would appreciate that, but we just have to crack on. I can count on my hands the number of days my parents have looked after DS in his 4 years of life - and they're actually related to him!

YANBU. Your friend needs to give her head a wobble. It is not up to you and your other friends to babysit. Practical help with a newborn like coming and cleaning is appreciated but cannot reasonably be expected beyond that. If someone offers, that's lovely, but you can't ask!

housework/delivering some meals/giving lifts
what! Does she want some sort of commune where all 10 of you raise the child?? 😂

Ummm....I've chosen to be CF because I don't enjoy being around children full stop. That means I don't babysit or childmind, EVER. You are are of a similar opinion. You are going to have to lay it on the line for your friend that much as you sympathise, you're not up for this - and a rota is a bloody cheeky thing to suggest.

Second @JorisBonson 's suggestion about joining us on the Childfree board.

YANBU. You’re already doing a lot.

(You may find that some idiots post on your thread to ask what you’re doing on MUMSnet if you don’t want kids. If they do, just shout BINGO!)

This sounds like the random shit health visitors come out with when you are struggling. Reach out to friends and family so you can have a break.

Reality is you just have to get on with it and wait for life to get better. Also make some Mum friends so you have people on the same level to share your woes with.

We've suggested she joins a local group or Facebook group for single mums looking for friends but she doesn't seem keen.

She absolutely seems to think that as she's single and we have plenty of free time we should chip in and do a shift with her baby.

But we didn't have babies because we didn't want them! I have reiterated my offer of doing her a batch cook etc and a deep clean once a fortnight, but she wants to go out/go on dates etc. I really don't want to babysit.

Being around babies alone freaks me out a bit tbh, I have no idea what they want of what to do with them when they're upset! I have zero maternal instinct. I've offered to take her dog instead 😘

Tbh I’d have much rather had the help with shopping, housework, laundry, you sound like a friend who’s gone above and beyond in helping. Think you have to say plain no, I don’t do babysitting or baby activities ( which are my idea of hell even with dc and dgc)

That was supposed to be a laughing 😂

You are under no obligation to help out with childcare at any frequency, let along fortnightly - bloody hell, I don't know any parents that have babysitters that frequently for a night out, even those with family on the doorstep...

What about nights in once she gets a routine with baby and they have a bedtime. Take away and a bottle of wine type thing - you guys know baby isn't around, and she gets to see you without needing a babysitter.