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Original poster

Child free group of friends. One friend has had a baby

1000 replies

Shebaguinea · 25/06/2023 17:19

I'm in a group of about 10 friends in our 40s. Always been child free. Lots of conversations about not wanting children. Several friends do not enjoy being around kids at all. Id prefer to not be around kids, but will phone it in and do my best to try to help out friend.

1 friend unexpectedly found herself pregnant after a short relationship and now has a small baby.

Things are now becoming difficult socially. Friend often requests help/babysitting/people to go to child friendly events and soft play etc. I do not babysit. Never changed a nappy, never wanted a child etc. but I've cleaned her house, helped with laundry, batch cooked for her etc.

She now wants more help and has suggested a babysitting rota so she gets a night off a fortnight. None of us want to do this. I've always helped with cooking and cleaning and have done lots of lifts for hospital and dr appointments...but I most definitely do not want to help with childcare. None of us do.

Are we awful people? Friend seems to want us to step in as family/other parent and help her. I'm happy to assist with other things but honestly I don't want to.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shebaguinea · 25/06/2023 18:17

WhatNoRaisins · 25/06/2023 18:10

The flip side of that question is would you really want to leave a baby as young as that with someone that has no experience? Outside of an emergency it's a crazy idea.

Yes, quite.

She seems very keen to leave her baby with people who have never looked after a baby and have no interest in it.

OP posts:
QueSyrahSyrah · 25/06/2023 18:18

everlee · 25/06/2023 18:15

Regarding going out - it’s like a group bonded over being vegan, then one decides she’s going to start eating meat and is now dictating that every restaurant should be steak houses. Of course the others in the group are going to have a problem!

But flip it the other way, and one of a group of meat eaters goes vegan, they could ask for a more vegan friendly restaurant to be included in the mix now and then?

Because everyone CAN eat Vegan like everyone CAN eat in a child friendly restaurant, but a baby can't go to a wine matched dinner in a fine dining place, like a Vegan can't go to a steakhouse.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 25/06/2023 18:19

‘You compromise for friends’. But that cuts both ways, doesn’t it? OP ‘s friend wants everyone to change their life to accommodate her change of lifestyle. And she wants it in writing (‘rota’🤪).

Go to Portugal, OP. Have a great time. Don’t give it a second thought. You can only give people what you can, you’ve cleaned , cooked….childminding isn’t in your repertoire.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Appleblossompetal · 25/06/2023 18:19

She now wants more help and has suggested a babysitting rota so she gets a night off a fortnight.

No, you’re not awful. Before I had DC (and had them quite late) I had no interest in babysitting other people’s children. And I still wouldn’t unless it was reciprocal!

Joeylove88 · 25/06/2023 18:19

You sound like an amazing friend! Just helping with drs and hospital appointments, cleaning and cooking is so lovely. I didn't get any of that from anyone after just giving birth and there were definitely days we could have done with someone bringing over just a nice cooked meal so we didn't have to worry about it. I would definitely just be honest and say that the actual childcare isn't for you and that you don't feel confident doing it as you haven't ever before and don't want to. What you have already done is above and beyond.

everlee · 25/06/2023 18:20

But not on every social meeting, which she seems to want.

@Iwantcakeeveryday @QueSyrahSyrah Shebaguinea said the above. The friend wants EVERY outing in a childfree environment

everlee · 25/06/2023 18:20

Typo child friendly environment

Original poster
Shebaguinea · 25/06/2023 18:21

everlee · 25/06/2023 18:15

Regarding going out - it’s like a group bonded over being vegan, then one decides she’s going to start eating meat and is now dictating that every restaurant should be steak houses. Of course the others in the group are going to have a problem!

This is a great comparison, that's exactly it.

I'm willing to compromise on helping with household stuff and going to more child friendly lunches. Some of our friends don't even want to go if the baby is there, because that's not the friendship/socialising they want and they didn't sign up for

OP posts:
MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 25/06/2023 18:21

If you love someone, how can you not want to know their child?

Did you miss the bit where the friend doesn't want the group (that bonded over being childfree) to go away to anything she can't go to with a baby for an unspecified number of years?

*A few of us have done this already and held the baby etc, but we don't want to change all of our socialising for the next X number of years.

Some of us had been planning to go to Portugal on a vineyard trip in the autumn and shes very vocally unhappy that we'd plan something she can't do*

toomanyleggings · 25/06/2023 18:23

She’s a CF and completely deluded

saraclara · 25/06/2023 18:23

Shebaguinea · 25/06/2023 18:11

Quite a few of us are happy to go to a baby friendly restaurant or pub early at the time convenient for her every month or so, but not on every single social meeting.

A few of us have done this already and held the baby etc, but we don't want to change all of our socialising for the next X number of years.

Some of us had been planning to go to Portugal on a vineyard trip in the autumn and shes very vocally unhappy that we'd plan something she can't do.

Again, we were a group that bonded over being childfree and always have been. I'm going to go on the trip.

Show quote history

I get that you're okay with that. But my post was in response to this:

but a) a few people said they didn't want to do that as they don't want to go to a crap restaurant at 12pm full of kids

...which does seem to indicate that a few of the group are pretty rubbish friends. I can think of plenty of places to go for a nice lunch and which would tolerate a baby (and not necessarily be anything like full of kids) so I think they're being a bit hyperbolic. As things to compromise on when your friend has a kid, this is at the very easy end (I was the last of our friendship group to sprog, so I'm very familiar with the compromises occasionally needed).

Your friend is ridiculous to demand that it happens every time, but some of your friends are also pretty selfish to not even countenance it once a month.

Original poster
Shebaguinea · 25/06/2023 18:25

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 25/06/2023 18:19

‘You compromise for friends’. But that cuts both ways, doesn’t it? OP ‘s friend wants everyone to change their life to accommodate her change of lifestyle. And she wants it in writing (‘rota’🤪).

Go to Portugal, OP. Have a great time. Don’t give it a second thought. You can only give people what you can, you’ve cleaned , cooked….childminding isn’t in your repertoire.

Thank you. 😄 we want to do a vino verde tour!

OP posts:
Original poster
Shebaguinea · 25/06/2023 18:26

@Iwantcakeeveryday did you miss that we're a group of people that have chosen to not have children and don't enjoy the company of babies or children?

OP posts:
QueSyrahSyrah · 25/06/2023 18:26

everlee · 25/06/2023 18:20

But not on every social meeting, which she seems to want.

@Iwantcakeeveryday @QueSyrahSyrah Shebaguinea said the above. The friend wants EVERY outing in a childfree environment

And some friends don't EVER want to meet in a child friendly environment, in which case both sides are ridiculous (although less so the one with the baby, who without any help from anywhere with childcare simply cannot go anywhere child free).

ZebraPeople · 25/06/2023 18:27

Shebaguinea · 25/06/2023 18:17

Yes, quite.

She seems very keen to leave her baby with people who have never looked after a baby and have no interest in it.

Show quote history

I agree your friend's being unreasonable but her baby isn't an 'it'. I wouldn't call my dog 'it' never mind my child!

DidyouNO · 25/06/2023 18:28

I have four children and would never expect my friends, whether they have children of their own or not, to look after my kids. Generally other peoples kids are annoying, no matter if you're a parent or not!

WeightoftheWorld · 25/06/2023 18:29

ChristmasJumpers · 25/06/2023 17:23

I can't understand why your friend thinks any of you would want to do this? I've never come across anything like people expecting their friends to help with their children in this way - particularly not on a regular rotation!

Very odd request and it sounds like you have done more than enough already by cooking and cleaning for her. My friends just came and gave DD a cuddle then went on their merry way, if they wanted to see DD at all

Agreed, this is so weird part of me thinks it can't be real?! (but I appreciate why would anyone make it up either like)

Extremely strange behaviour. I've never had a friend babysit before or tbh even assist me much at all since we had the kids etc. We are a couple though and have had/do have some support from family. I have a few good friends nowadays that know my kids well enough that I'd ask them to babysit in perhaps an emergency situation or an important situation where I had no other option, although most of those are people with similar aged kids. But definitely would never ask for babysitting to go out! Nobody's ever babysat our kids for us to go out, I'd never ask and no one has seriously offered hah.

Torven · 25/06/2023 18:29

I really dislike the company of children, it feels like they are draining my soul. Lots of my childed friends and family bring theirs along to various things and that's fine but if my adult time got ruined I'd be furious.

She's lost it, op. Society teaches women that having babies will make them happy and obviously when she got knocked up that hard pressure overrode her own sense of self. Bad move by her but... Also her bed to lie in.

Torven · 25/06/2023 18:30

And sometimes i call babies it. Sorry 🤷

Daleksatemyshed · 25/06/2023 18:30

Oh Lord you're NBU Op. I'm childfree and have very, very little experience of childcare and quite frankly I'd question any parent who thought I was the right person to look after their DC. You were all CF and your friend knew that so because she's changed her mind doesn't mean the rest of you have to do the same. She's doing the "well, you're my friends so you'll want to help" but completely ignoring why you were friends in the first place. I'd be happy to take an older DC out for a few hours but no way would I be available for baby duties. Your DF made the choice to keep her baby but it's not on to think you should all fill in the gap left by their missing parent. I can see you all drifting away from her at this rate, no one has the right to say I'm a single parent so you have to fill ni for me

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 25/06/2023 18:31

She seems very keen to leave her baby with people who have never looked after a baby and have no interest in it

That seems to me to be a worryingly casual attitude to her baby's safety.

maranella · 25/06/2023 18:31

She needs some friends whose DC are older and who would appreciate the baby snuggles. I don't think you or your other CF friends are being unreasonable to not want to babysit. Tell her to register with Sitters https://www.sitters.co.uk/ I used them loads when my DC were little and they were great. All local people, many of them working in childcare or mums/grandmas, they're DBS checked and everything.

Sitters.co.uk - Approved Babysitters - Babysitting Service | Sitters

Find reference checked child carers and babysitters in your area. Sitters is the UK’s No1, nationwide babysitting service. Sign up for free today

https://www.sitters.co.uk

Appleblossompetal · 25/06/2023 18:31

Shebaguinea · 25/06/2023 18:04

As I've said, when he's older, doesn't wake up every 2hrs and isn't in nappies that need changing I'd be happy to essentially sit in her house every so often.

As a childfree person who has never been around a baby or changed a nappy, you think I'm unreasonable to not want to babysit a baby? And I should commit to a set rota?

Show quote history

As a compromise, could you maybe offer to all chip in for an agency babysitter every couple of months? I know you shouldn’t have to, but could show willing?

Torven · 25/06/2023 18:32

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 25/06/2023 18:31

She seems very keen to leave her baby with people who have never looked after a baby and have no interest in it

That seems to me to be a worryingly casual attitude to her baby's safety.

Yeah but she is clearly experiencing a bit of the old buyer's remorse.

nowayjosephine · 25/06/2023 18:32

CF stands for childfree and cheeky fucker ... she was one and now she's the other!

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