Child free group of friends. One friend has had a baby

[Shebaguinea]

I'm in a group of about 10 friends in our 40s. Always been child free. Lots of conversations about not wanting children. Several friends do not enjoy being around kids at all. Id prefer to not be around kids, but will phone it in and do my best to try to help out friend.

1 friend unexpectedly found herself pregnant after a short relationship and now has a small baby.

Things are now becoming difficult socially. Friend often requests help/babysitting/people to go to child friendly events and soft play etc. I do not babysit. Never changed a nappy, never wanted a child etc. but I've cleaned her house, helped with laundry, batch cooked for her etc.

She now wants more help and has suggested a babysitting rota so she gets a night off a fortnight. None of us want to do this. I've always helped with cooking and cleaning and have done lots of lifts for hospital and dr appointments...but I most definitely do not want to help with childcare. None of us do.

Are we awful people? Friend seems to want us to step in as family/other parent and help her. I'm happy to assist with other things but honestly I don't want to.

I have kids and love kids, but I wouldn’t agree to take part in a fortnightly babysitting rota!

It sounds like she is struggling, but this is a completely unreasonable request from her.

Did she not consider all this?
Did she not think to abort?

How is she this delusional.

Is it time to suggest she moves to her family?

I know people are saying join the childfree board (which of course you should if you want) but I think this belongs in the main section because as someone with kids, she’s asking too much from you. The simple answer from someone so entitled is you don’t have kids, you don’t understand.

I have a child. I would never in a million years ask my friends to do a rota to allow me to go out every fortnight. Nobody but me and DH cleaned our house. Nobody but DH gave me a lift somewhere. I know she doesn’t have support from the father but that’s a choice she made knowing he wouldn’t be involved. Yes, you don’t realise how hard having a bay is until you have one but it doesn’t mean you get to impose on everyone else around you.

As I said, once he's a bit older I'd be perfectly happy sitting watching tv in her house for her on an evening with the baby monitor on...but at the moment he's v much a baby and needs far more input.

She was in her 40s and found herself unexpectedly pregnant. She said she'd never wanted one but this was her only chance and seemed to really want to keep the pregnancy.

I wondered how long it woud be before someone came on and said you're not being true friends unless you aquiesce.

A rota?!

Ive babysat a couple of times but it certainly wasn’t expected. One friend booked a standard teenage babysitter who pulled out and she sent the group an SOS so to speak. I said I would as I was free and she ordered me in a take away and they were in bed anyway. She was beyond grateful. Likewise the friend who got majorly stuck on a train and couldn’t get to school on time and I was on a day off so I went and collected as the school was local to me. Again, not expected of me and friend exceptionally grateful.

I mean there’s nothing wrong with sometimes doing a social gathering that would help her, for example meeting during the day / afternoon for dinner say in a pub garden so child can run around a bit, or even just going out for the day to somewhere that can work for a child too (eg the beach or the zoo) - I mean this would be a nice thing to do. But it’s certainly not up to you to provide care, you’re not child minders. None of my friends have ever expected a rota of care from the childless ones (though I have accepted that sometimes I have to socialise and have a cuppa at the soft play so I actually see my friends).

Your friend sounds like she’s scared of isolation. I feel isolated the other way round (as in in my main core group I am now the only childless one) and it’s daunting.

So I would make it clear that whilst your still her friend, your not willing or going to be tied down to a babysitting rota (why should you be) but as a friend you’ll still be there and demonstrate willing to sometimes adapt social plans to help your friend squeeze in.

Hell no! I keep my baby and friendship groups separate.
I have friends who have kids the same age and we do activities with them.
My other friendships are separate!
They obviously ask how my little one is etc the same as you ask about husbands and other family members m.
They are not there for my lifestyle choices!
YADNBU! She is asking far to much from yous! Xxx

How old is this baby? Are they breastfed?

Maybe I was unlucky with the cluster feeding but I wouldn't even have expected my close family to babysit in an evening. My babies were unable to sleep alone and fed constantly through the night. A lot of tiny babies only want their mum and dad and are a nightmare for anyone else to try and settle. You're well out of it OP.

Agree with PP that I'd maybe consider the odd picnic or casual meal where the baby can be brought along.

That's a lot to ask of friends.

You need to be honest that it's not going to work for you.

She's a friend and she's struggling. She has every right to ask her friends for something which would help her. Would you rather she struggled in silence?
You have every right to say "I'm sorry. I can't help with that."
If she thought she would alienate her friends by asking I'm sure she never would have asked!
She has trusted you to be honest with her without judging her.
I think you should trust her to be reasonable when you say no.

She doesn’t sound as if she was actually childfree. She was likely always childless pretending to be childfree. Even to herself. My understanding of the term ‘childfree’ is that you would do anything to avoid having a child, not see an unexpected pregnancy as a ‘last chance’. Your friend needs to find some Mum friends. She can still see your group of friends as and when, but there is nothing in life that changes it like having a child. She is trying to act as a childfree person with a baby. Which is paradoxical. She can’t. And don’t any of you entertain this rota idea. Not now, not ever.

These made up rules about annoy me intensely - because that's what they are, rules made up by the poster.

A rota 🤣
bless her, sounds bloody tough being an unplanned single mum at forty, but I think her fatigue is making her come up with some proper nonsense.

He's 11 months and BF.

so she is asking you if you would babysit once every 18 weeks /3 times a year and you couldn't possibly. Yeah you are not a friend really, friends are there for each other when times change.

She's a friend and she's struggling. She has every right to ask her friends for something which would help her

And they've every right to say, sorry, doesn't work for me.

but as a friend you’ll still be there and demonstrate willing to sometimes adapt social plans to help your friend squeeze in

Presuming the people in the friendship group want that.

I don’t know enough about any of them or the dynamics but it wouldn’t be surprising if this signals the end of some of those friendships. I don’t know a delicate way of putting it to her, but she needs to understand that her friends, particularly ones who’ve made conscious choices to be child free, don’t want to be put in the positions she’s putting them in and she needs to reign in her expectations because the whole thing has the potential to end quite badly. Ideally it should be understood unsaid but it seems she’s not quite getting it.

I thought offering cooking cleaning and lifts was reasonable considering I'm childfree by choice and don't enjoy babies.

I don't think it's reasonable of her to ask that her friends set up a rota.

Yes. Huge request.
I imagine she's desperate.
I would decline but with pointers to
Sitters.com

DBs checked, interviewed, qualified babysitters. I use them regularly and have had the same sitter now for years, the kids love her and it gives me a night off with my child free friends.

Please can you babysit for me 3 times a year is a "huge request" what would be a small favour then?

Well honestly, what is the actual point of friendship if it's not being there when someone is in need?

Obviously a babysitting rota is ridiculous, but going to a pub with a soft play area instead of the usual wine bar for lunch isn't exactly crawling over hot stones in terms of putting yourself out.

The OP sounds like she's done a lot of other things to help which is lovely, but the friends who are 'pulling away' don't sound like they were ever really friends, if they're not interested in her now her circumstances have changed.

And we wonder why there are so many posts on this forum from Women lamenting that they have no friends.

That’s not fair. I’ve actually had a baby and wouldn’t be particularly comfortable looking after anyone else’s on my own for significant stretches of time.

I haven’t got any baby magic and none of the buggers ever sleep for me!

Asking someone who knows bugger all about babies to babysit multiple times a year is a big request to be fair. We don't even get that from grandparents.

I rarely ask my own mother to help with my children, let alone a friend!
She's being totally unreasonable but best to have the conversation now.