Child free group of friends. One friend has had a baby

[Shebaguinea]

I'm in a group of about 10 friends in our 40s. Always been child free. Lots of conversations about not wanting children. Several friends do not enjoy being around kids at all. Id prefer to not be around kids, but will phone it in and do my best to try to help out friend.

1 friend unexpectedly found herself pregnant after a short relationship and now has a small baby.

Things are now becoming difficult socially. Friend often requests help/babysitting/people to go to child friendly events and soft play etc. I do not babysit. Never changed a nappy, never wanted a child etc. but I've cleaned her house, helped with laundry, batch cooked for her etc.

She now wants more help and has suggested a babysitting rota so she gets a night off a fortnight. None of us want to do this. I've always helped with cooking and cleaning and have done lots of lifts for hospital and dr appointments...but I most definitely do not want to help with childcare. None of us do.

Are we awful people? Friend seems to want us to step in as family/other parent and help her. I'm happy to assist with other things but honestly I don't want to.

As I've said, when he's older, doesn't wake up every 2hrs and isn't in nappies that need changing I'd be happy to essentially sit in her house every so often.

As a childfree person who has never been around a baby or changed a nappy, you think I'm unreasonable to not want to babysit a baby? And I should commit to a set rota?

Is that number based on everyone in the friend group agreeing?? What’s the likelihood of that? If some are coupled the number changes again.
OP has already said she’s willing to babysit when he’s older as she has 0 experience with babies by choice.
Also a massive diff between being asked a week or two ahead and putting it as a regular occurrence in your Google calendar.

I don't know, this is a hard one.

I do have a child (by choice) so my view is obviously a bit swayed, but I do feel that she's accidentally ended up having a child (yes I know abortion is medically an option, but also not suited to everyone), and she's sort of the brink of being ditched by her friends when she needs them most. The father isn't around and she doesn't have any family either. That's hard!

I get the rota thing is a bit much, but in her mind maybe she thinks that once a fortnight between ten of you isn't that much to ask? Also not saying you should do it btw, but surely that's part of being a good friend?

She needs to understand that things have changed, and she can't expect you to all go to soft plays in place of bars but I also feel like there needs to be a bit more of a balance, you are her friends after all and not just her drinking buddies?

Her baby is absolutely not your responsibility, but it might be nice to give the baby a cuddle for 45 mins once in a while she has a bath in peace?

Babysitting rota? Wtf? I do babysit for friends but it’s in return for them babysitting my DD. I wouldn’t dream of asking a child free friend where I couldn’t offer the same in return. If she wants to formalise one night off a fortnight she should be seeking paid childcare for that time.

On the other hand if she wants one night a fortnight and there are 10 of you then it's only one evening babysitting every 20 weeks. and the baby will be asleep probably. So you just have to sit, watch tv and listen for the baby monitor. If it cries give it a bottle. for such a good friend, is one evening every 20 weeks so much to give?

She's being absolutely ridiculous, and the amount of cleaning and batch cooking etc that you've done for her is something that she should be incredibly grateful for.

The only thing that I think is a bit pathetic is that some in your group are too full of themselves to be prepared to go for an affordable lunch somewhere where she can take the baby. I mean, that's hardly the worst thing in the world, and they have the rest of the month to do whatever their tastes and finances allow. I honestly think that they're crap friends if they can't do that for someone they've been friends with for 15 years.

Oh give over she is asking 9 of her childfree friends to create a rota babysit every two weeks! How many new mums get that kind of support from the family?? It is a big ask, she knows her friends and childfree yet she wants to her her baby on them even though some don’t like kids. She made her choice, nothing to do with others. What if the others moved, had their own kids, got ill, what would she do then? She can’t act like she used to before.

@QueSyrahSyrah

Obviously a babysitting rota is ridiculous, but going to a pub with a soft play area instead of the usual wine bar for lunch isn't exactly crawling over hot stones in terms of putting yourself out.

I said in a previous post I'd be happy to do that every few times/once a month

But not on every social meeting, which she seems to want.

I'm afraid that's also me 😅

Im probably being wildly unreasonable but I just feel a bit bad for her!

Absolutely ludicrous she wants an actual rota! That's cheeky even if you all had kids! I have kids but I would never have asked anyone for a rota, very very occasional help but not something regular. You're very nice to be doing smooch for her already.
I did not think being childfree yourself means though that you are allergic to children! It sounds like you are in a club where anyone who might end up with a baby is not allowed, rather than a group of actual friends who love each other unconditionally and want to be part of each others lives and families, whatever that ends up looking like. I understand people who don't want kids, but I do not understand people that only have friends that don't have them too. It sounds really... odd. Its like only being friends with people who have dogs and not being friends with people who have cats. I don't know, it just doesn't sound like a group of friends, rather a special interest club. Reminds me of that episode of sex and the city when Miranda has the baby and Samantha doesn't want her around.

Tell her to download bubble and stop cleaning her house. How entitled can you get?! Going to a more child friendly lunch option e.g. the pub beer garden with the play area or a fancy park picnic once a month shouldn’t be a problem but anything else, nope. She needs a babysitter.

i think a rota thst is that infrequent is ok yes. By the second time the baby would be sleeping much longer than every two hours and would likely be out of nappies by the 7th time. It must be really hard for your friend it doesn't seem like she has family support. I wouldn't mind my friends baby every week that would be unreasonable but this is so rare and yet would make a huge difference to her.

The flip side of that question is would you really want to leave a baby as young as that with someone that has no experience? Outside of an emergency it's a crazy idea.

The OP sounds like she's done a lot of other things to help which is lovely, but the friends who are 'pulling away' don't sound like they were ever really friends, if they're not interested in her now her circumstances have changed

I don’t think that’s a fair comment. The friends are not interested in her BABY. I’m sure they are happy to include her just without the child. And why should a group of CF women be interested in looking after a baby. The whole premise of their group was happily childfree (not the friend obviously who sounded like she was undecided)

I have three nieces and nephews and I won't be babysitting them until they're old enough to tell me what they need. Babies get injured REALLY easily and I want no part of that drama.

If this scenario is true she has lost her mind.

Quite a few of us are happy to go to a baby friendly restaurant or pub early at the time convenient for her every month or so, but not on every single social meeting.

A few of us have done this already and held the baby etc, but we don't want to change all of our socialising for the next X number of years.

Some of us had been planning to go to Portugal on a vineyard trip in the autumn and shes very vocally unhappy that we'd plan something she can't do.

Again, we were a group that bonded over being childfree and always have been. I'm going to go on the trip.

I mean, what friend asks another friend to handle faeces for them?

😂

I've handled her dogs faeces for her many times. No worries, I love dogs. But not a human baby. I'd have to YouTube how to change a nappy.

This is cheeky. She needs to ask her family if the bays gather to do something.

A rota? As if you're all on some childcare plan, the baby has 11 other parents now? I level if I was offering, no fucking way would I agree to a rota.

It's tough but she's definitely still trying to live her childfree life. I'd just say you have plans, every single time.

Baby's father, that should say.

@Shebaguinea

Let her know that you have all helped and supported her in the ways that you are comfortable, but baby sitting is not an area in which any of you are comfortable.

Suggest that she look to a mommy group to find out about sitter resources.

@Shebaguinea Apologies I'm not referring to you with that OP, but you mentioned that some of the group don't even want the odd child friendly lunch because those types of restaurants are crap.

@everlee Again I'm not suggesting that any of these childfree friends need to take care of the child, but compromising a bit on some social activities (especially if she can't just not bring the baby because she has nobody to babysit!) isn't a huge ask.

You compromise for friends.

Regarding going out - it’s like a group bonded over being vegan, then one decides she’s going to start eating meat and is now dictating that every restaurant should be steak houses. Of course the others in the group are going to have a problem!

The friends are not interested in her BABY. I’m sure they are happy to include her just without the child. And why should a group of CF women be interested in looking after a baby. The whole premise of their group was happily childfree (not the friend obviously who sounded like she was undecided)

I just find this so weird... you don't know for sure what's going to happen in life do you, so it seems weird to suddenly after many years when someones life changes, sorry but we are not interested in accommodating your child. If you love someone, how can you not want to know their child? I mean I get not babysitting, there are people you can pay for that! But I sense resentment and a lack of care that she's got a child now. I just find that an odd foundation for a friendship.

Several of us are happy to do a baby friendly outing once a month! Or more often, a pub lunch is fine.

Me and a few others just don't want to touch poo or vomit, or be left for hours in charge of a small human that we don't understand. Dogs and cats are no problem, a few of us look after each others pets when we each go away. An actual frigging baby is a different matter