Child free group of friends. One friend has had a baby

[Shebaguinea]

I'm in a group of about 10 friends in our 40s. Always been child free. Lots of conversations about not wanting children. Several friends do not enjoy being around kids at all. Id prefer to not be around kids, but will phone it in and do my best to try to help out friend.

1 friend unexpectedly found herself pregnant after a short relationship and now has a small baby.

Things are now becoming difficult socially. Friend often requests help/babysitting/people to go to child friendly events and soft play etc. I do not babysit. Never changed a nappy, never wanted a child etc. but I've cleaned her house, helped with laundry, batch cooked for her etc.

She now wants more help and has suggested a babysitting rota so she gets a night off a fortnight. None of us want to do this. I've always helped with cooking and cleaning and have done lots of lifts for hospital and dr appointments...but I most definitely do not want to help with childcare. None of us do.

Are we awful people? Friend seems to want us to step in as family/other parent and help her. I'm happy to assist with other things but honestly I don't want to.

@ZebraPeople I was initially trying to be anonymous/gender neutral. I've since said he's a baby boy.

He's a nice baby boy. He's very sweet. But as a childfree person who has never been interested in babies my priority wasn't stating the sex of the baby.

I'm encouraged by this thread though, it's nice to know that even people with kids understand that I want to help and be kind to my friend but I don't want to actively care for her baby in my own free time.

I know 90% of people love and enjoy babies. I care about my friend and her baby and wish them both well, I just don't want sole care of him on regular basis.

I think it's sad that a group of friends won't help out their friend who is in this unplanned situation by babysitting what works out to be about twice per year!!

Choosing to be childless doesn't automatically mean never wanting to babysit. I find it odd that none of you want to help out occasionally.

I would totally understand if she was asking one person to babysit weekly or fortnightly, absolutely. But a couple of times per year for a good friend? Come on.

But clearly none of you want to, which is of course your choice. I hope she has a family member that can help her out occasionally as it's really hard having a child on your own and never getting a break.

YANBU OP.

In fact I think what you've offered/done already is very generous.

People criticising simply do not have seemed to grasped the point that this friendship group (and the activities they enjoy) are specifically due to the child free dynamic.

It's unfair of her to expect that changes to accommodate her now she has a baby.

I wouldn't want to go to baby sitting/ going to child friendly restaurants if I didn't have to - and I'd be damned if I'd be pressured into doing that especially as NOT having to do so was part of a decision to be child free.

Ultimately she chose to raise this child as a single parent. The friends didn't sign up to raise it with her.

It's not being mean.

She's being very entitled and essentially needs to supplement her social circle with people in a similar situation to the one she is in.

@WeightoftheWorld if you think this can't be real and would like to regularly babysit a very bonny little boy I'll pass your details to my friend! 😂

So true. If someone isn't enthusiastic about looking after your child, they're not up to the job

This is kind of how I feel...I don't find any being around a child enjoyable. It's draining and hard and boring and stressful.

But I'm well aware that the majority of people love it and choose it! I'm just not one of them. Give me a puppy or kitten any day. That's the problem. She wants us to all love and care about her child, and we're not child people.

Choosing to be childless doesn't automatically mean never wanting to babysit

Wanna bet? I'm not a default childminder and I wouldn't have the first clue how to look after a baby left in my care, let alone if anything went wrong. I don't want that responsibility. Like I said, the friend seems to have a worryingly casual attitude to her baby's safety, and willing to leave him with anyone who'll step up as long as she can have her pre-baby social life.

I'm child free but I love kids and would absolutely help out a friend in this situation. She clearly needs to find better friends now she's a mum!

@ReadingSoManyThreads

I don't agree with what you say

The Op had clearly said she wouldn't mind when the baby is older but doesn't feel comfortable yet

That is perfectly reasonable

Yes, and that's what I am responding to. Like I say you do not know what is going to happen in life. Children are just part of society. I honestly do not quite get the absolute aversion to being friends with someone you've known so long and not wanting to be their friend or as close because they ended up having a baby- Some of our friends don't even want to go if the baby is there, because that's not the friendship/socialising they want and they didn't sign up for I guess I am responding more to this kind of comment you've made. Life can change , if you love your friends you accommodate changes in their life. Like you would if someone became disabled and every get together and holiday had to take account of that.

I am a mum, loved the baby stage and my families babies that I knew well. But I wouldn't want to babysit on a rota a baby that I only saw infrequently and didn't know me.

Babies aren't easy if they get upset if they don't know you, and you don't know what works to settle them. I would just tell her you don't feel comfortable being left alone in charge of a young child as you have no experience and don't foresee getting any!

I agree with this. The woman is a single parent with no family in this country.

Hey, OP. Problem solved!

I think it's sad that a person thinks it's ok to expect their friends to:

A) change long time social arrangements to suit her
B) complain about them doing things she no longer can and try ti make them feel guilty about it
C) expect people with no desire/interest in young children to look after them

There's only one person being a crappy friend here and it's not the OP or the other CF friends.

And those saying it takes a village...in that village I'd be cooking/building/ tending the chickens and donkeys, and farming. Not doing child stuff. We need those too right?

He might have been a ONS or fling but where is the father in all of this?

@ReadingSoManyThreads I know it's seems a small thing to ask but if you're CF you tend to avoid all the child centred things and steer clear of small DC in general. It's not a case of hating children but if you just don't feel the need to have any of your own then you really aren't a suitable person to look after other people's babies- I've never changed a nappy, never fed a child and I expect the Op and her friends are the same. Would you feel it was OK to have a night out and leave your DC to a complete beginner?

I think you're already a very good friend for helping with cooking, cleaning, take her to drs appointments, etc.

*taking

I've said several times that I'd be willing to babysit at a later time when I'm not required to care for an actual baby.

She needs mum friends. They are more likely to help and do play dates etc.

But also there is a big difference between a baby and a child. I wouldn’t babysit a baby and I’ve had 2 children. They cry. Often for no reason. There’s no reasoning with them. Older kids sure. I’ll have them for a full day when they can tell you wtf they want. But babies. Not a chance!

She chose this life. Yeah it’s hard. But she’s no right to guilt trip friends in to helping her out with her child

I already think you've gone above and beyond as a friend tbh.

This wasn't an unplanned event as in she decided to go ahead with the pregnancy, so she made a choice, she's 40 so not expected to be naive enough to not consider life changes when babies come along yet to not accept this.

SHE had a baby, no one else, thinking her life choices should alter the very core of what your shared friendships are about is beyond Cheeky fuckery.

Her expectations are unrealistic and boarding on selfish where your friend group is concerned, she needs to build a separate friend group of mums/parents.

Her attitude alone would have me not wanting to maintain the friendship, I would refuse to be guilty for enjoying my life the way I like it.

Would be a cultural thing where friends do that? Which cou try is she from as it may not have occurred to her, it's not what would be considered a usual request?

I've got two children and if I had a friend who asked me to join a rota, I'd think she was mad. Also, you have done a hell of a lot already and you are giving the kind of support many dream of having. I don't think she realises how lucky she is.

I have my own children and tbh I'm not especially keen on other people's. Now that they're a bit older my friends and I rarely bring them or organise things around children.

If I was deliberately child free then that would go triple. You are all so NBU.

I can see that she's built a fantasy around how it was going to be with a baby, but sadly real life sucks, and if you've built your friendship group around a shared experience of being child free it's just foolishness to expect that to suddenly not matter anymore just because you got knocked up.

It sounds like you're being a good friend to her and the wider group is doing as much as could be reasonably expected.

She needs to ditch the unrealistic plan of a rota or all meet-ups being child friendly and get some new friends (or pay for help) for the bits that don't work for the rest of you.

Tbh, I'm wondering if she slightly looks down on other mothers ("I'm not like the other boring parents").

I’ve got children and I would never have asked my friends to do any of the stuff in your post. I would certainly never expect them to care for my baby for any length of time! YANBU.