ExH doesn’t want DD to go to private school, how do I decide? WWYD?

[PrivateOnScholarOrStateSchool]

DD aged 8, Y4 has been offered a full scholarship to a private school starting in September. She was offered at Christmas.

DD has visited it several times with her current school and loves it. I have been and liked it.

Scholarship includes 1 free uniform, all fees paid and lunches plus the 2 compulsory trips per year for the class. DD is currently has an EHCP for dyslexia and dyspraxia (she also has EDS) but behaviour wise she is perfect (according to her current teacher) and the indie think she’ll fit in perfectly with their current Y4s.

Class sizes are small the current Y4 has 40 in two classes of 20 – it’s not a small school by any means so no worries financially there’s roughly 40 per year in pre-prep and prep then that goes up to around 70 per year from Y7 onwards (which is part of the senior section not prep), DD would be put in the class which is more focused on her interests, and curriculum is tailored to the class/pupil, so DD will be doing singing and music everyday which she will love as she currently does choir and loves it – over 70% of the school take part in music or singing daily. They’re also happy to “carry over” her reasonable adjustments with her so she will do less sport that requires co-ordination (like netball and football) and more of things like swimming and yoga that will really help her. It’s a through school and the scholarship lasts until the end of Y8, so I have a few years to save up for Y9, 10 and 11 or I can look for somewhere else for her. She’d have to move schools for September anyway as she’s at a first school.

I did not put her forward for the scholarship, she was at the school with her school choir and the head of music spotted her singing and handed her a letter to pass to me which told me to contact him, when I did he then interviewed her (to be sure) and introduced her to the head of the prep section, both where enthusiastic and wanted her there.

I can just about afford the fees without the scholarship so my plan is to save up so that if DD wants to stay beyond Y8 and doesn’t get a further scholarship she can still go. I think the school would suit her perfectly, and it’d be a fantastic opportunity. I would not be asking ExH to contribute to anything, he already doesn't pay CM (a whole other thread) and only sees DD EOWend for 1 night - so it literally will not affect him.

But ExH is dead against it, wants her to go to Middle School like everyone else. He thinks with her EHCP it’ll cause issues further down the line if we move her back to state education. He thinks it’s a nice opportunity but we’re not the sort of people they want there. He is also worried about if they withdraw the scholarship or reduce the amount, and we struggle to afford it. Plus there’s extras like none compulsory trips and if she sees all her friends going on these trips she won’t necessarily understand why she can’t. He just thinks DD should join their "none school members" singing/choral group once a week and be happy with that.

He says if I try to send DD there he will take me to court and force her to go to Middle School. DD really wants to take the scholarship, but I’m now torn over it. Because ExH has some good points about it. I'd have not considered sending her private if it weren't for this scholarship, I think the middle school will also suit her and she will be fine there.

Help WWYD?

If you're sure you can afford years 8 onwards, I'd take it. I think it sounds like a fantastic opportunity!

I would discount anything he has to say about financial reasons given he does not even pay maintenance. What a cheek!

My biggest concern is what he would be saying to DD when she was with him if she does go to the school. Will he be really negative about it and upset her?

I think it sounds like an amazing place for her. Is it possible to have mediation to try to resolve this amicably?

Send her. He can fuck off.

I'd tell him to crack on and take you to court. Given his level of engagement and interest, it seems unlikely he'd bother when faced with it, but if he did I can't imagine a court would have an issue with your plan.

Tbf I can’t see him getting anywhere legally.

your dd is old enough to express her wish to go, you have considered beyond y8.

why does the scholarship not last beyond year 8? My cynical side would worry it’s a way of getting kids firmly entrenched in the school so the parents feel obliged to pay for the last 4 years.

I'm really not a pro-private school person and I'd need to have a really good reason to send my children to one however, from everything that you've written, it sounds like it would be great for your daughter and she would gain a lot from it. If your EXH took you to court it's very likely that they'd be able to see that too so if she wants to go and you want her to go then I would send her.

For added context it's a school in the north west, so not a super expensive london school. Fees are £4,500 a year in prep or £5,500 a year in seniors. I earn £35k a year right now, it would be a stretch but not improssible for me to pay.

He is also worried about if they withdraw the scholarship or reduce the amount, and we struggle to afford it. Plus there’s extras like none compulsory trips and if she sees all her friends going on these trips she won’t necessarily understand why she can’t.

These are good points but as he pays nothing it's something for you to consider and nothing to do with him - but it still sounds like an amazing opportunity.

Ex doesn't contribute at all financially and yet intends to spend ££ on court? Pull the other one.

And I can't imagine a court would take him seriously either.

Go for it, op.

From what you've written, you'd win a court case anyway. Let him take you to court and while you're there get some maintenance.
Let her go - sounds like it will really suit her.

If you can afford to then send her; if it doesn’t work out she can go back to middle school.

Theres already a CAO for contact, and CMS can't find an income for him.

He only sees her one night a fortnight and pays no CM?
Yet he's got money to take you to court? The absolute nerve of him! Tell him to crack on with the court case and do whatever you think is best for your dd.

I wouldn't discuss it with him. Just tell him once it's done.

Fees are £4,500 a year in prep or £5,500 a year in seniors.

A year, or per term? If it's really only £5,500 a year that's very cheap, even for a school up North.

As for the Ex he's unlikely to go to court, and if he did i'm not sure he'd actually have a case to argue.

Send her! What a cheek he has.

I would double check those fees you've quoted though - are you sure they're not per term? i.e. yearly fee isn't £4,500 x 3 terms = £13,500? I've never heard of such a cheap private school.

She wants to go so let her have the opportunity. I'm sure the judge would throw it out, a father denying their child an opportunity the child wants and the mother will single-handedly facilitate. He will look like a tit.

It's a fantastic opportunity.

He's not going to risk court as the child maintenance would come up.

The court won't find in his favour anyway. Why does he think they will? Your daughter wants to go to the school.

Just ignore him completely.

@Whinge Sorry yes per term, so £13,500 a year or £16,500 per year. So a struggle but not impossible

Are there other siblings to consider? I agree with previous posters, just be careful about jealousy!

Why the hell is he worried about affordability?! Such a dead beat dad that he doesn’t even pay CMS. Send her. It sounds perfect for her. I doubt he will take you to court but I can’t see that he would have any case. Why wouldn’t he want this opportunity for his DD.

That sounds like a fantastic opportunity. She should definitely go, the music opportunities will be amazing and the school is clearly confident that she will fit in.

Your DH is operating from ignorance thinking that independent schools are all snobby. So long as the school can meet the EHCP needs and isn't going to stigmatise her for being dyslexic (I know of some independent schools where more than a quarter of the pupils have dyslexia because the state support for dyslexia is so terrible that all the families with a dyslexic child who can possibly manage to scrape together the fees will do so - it's entirely likely that this will be fine but do check this properly. There are other independent schools where it's more a case that they are happy to offer the scholarship on the basis of exceptional musical abilities but will treat any academic issues as if they were caused by lack of intelligence/lack of hard work, so an excellent SEN department is vital.

Let DH bluster, if you don't need his financial support, he would indeed have to go to court to stop you. I think the court will rule in favour of an amazing opportunity, well resourced and welcoming, rather than ruling that your DH is right that she shouldn't get ideas above her station or aspire to do better than the state school's more limited opportunities will allow.

On what basis did they award the scholarship?

So he can’t pay CM but he can pay for a court case….?

I think if your DD really wants to go and you, as her resident parent think it’s a good option for her then she should go. It sounds like a great opportunity.

Accept the place, also apply for state.

Let him take you to court.