ExH doesn’t want DD to go to private school, how do I decide? WWYD?

[PrivateOnScholarOrStateSchool]

DD aged 8, Y4 has been offered a full scholarship to a private school starting in September. She was offered at Christmas.

DD has visited it several times with her current school and loves it. I have been and liked it.

Scholarship includes 1 free uniform, all fees paid and lunches plus the 2 compulsory trips per year for the class. DD is currently has an EHCP for dyslexia and dyspraxia (she also has EDS) but behaviour wise she is perfect (according to her current teacher) and the indie think she’ll fit in perfectly with their current Y4s.

Class sizes are small the current Y4 has 40 in two classes of 20 – it’s not a small school by any means so no worries financially there’s roughly 40 per year in pre-prep and prep then that goes up to around 70 per year from Y7 onwards (which is part of the senior section not prep), DD would be put in the class which is more focused on her interests, and curriculum is tailored to the class/pupil, so DD will be doing singing and music everyday which she will love as she currently does choir and loves it – over 70% of the school take part in music or singing daily. They’re also happy to “carry over” her reasonable adjustments with her so she will do less sport that requires co-ordination (like netball and football) and more of things like swimming and yoga that will really help her. It’s a through school and the scholarship lasts until the end of Y8, so I have a few years to save up for Y9, 10 and 11 or I can look for somewhere else for her. She’d have to move schools for September anyway as she’s at a first school.

I did not put her forward for the scholarship, she was at the school with her school choir and the head of music spotted her singing and handed her a letter to pass to me which told me to contact him, when I did he then interviewed her (to be sure) and introduced her to the head of the prep section, both where enthusiastic and wanted her there.

I can just about afford the fees without the scholarship so my plan is to save up so that if DD wants to stay beyond Y8 and doesn’t get a further scholarship she can still go. I think the school would suit her perfectly, and it’d be a fantastic opportunity. I would not be asking ExH to contribute to anything, he already doesn't pay CM (a whole other thread) and only sees DD EOWend for 1 night - so it literally will not affect him.

But ExH is dead against it, wants her to go to Middle School like everyone else. He thinks with her EHCP it’ll cause issues further down the line if we move her back to state education. He thinks it’s a nice opportunity but we’re not the sort of people they want there. He is also worried about if they withdraw the scholarship or reduce the amount, and we struggle to afford it. Plus there’s extras like none compulsory trips and if she sees all her friends going on these trips she won’t necessarily understand why she can’t. He just thinks DD should join their "none school members" singing/choral group once a week and be happy with that.

He says if I try to send DD there he will take me to court and force her to go to Middle School. DD really wants to take the scholarship, but I’m now torn over it. Because ExH has some good points about it. I'd have not considered sending her private if it weren't for this scholarship, I think the middle school will also suit her and she will be fine there.

Help WWYD?

Absolutely send her - what an amazing opportunity!

I would respond like this:

'If you feel going to court to settle the matter is required then I'm more than happy to do that. I'd welcome the opportunity to put the matter before a judge and let them decide. We can also settle the question of child maintenance at the same hearing. Please let me know your solicitor's details at the earliest opportunity so I can I instruct my own solicitor to file an application with the court'.

This is a fantastic opportunity for your daughter, you've got all the bases covered, just go for it!

Don't let his insecurities and small mindedness hold back your daughter. Do what you think is best and don't give this non-contributing waste of space any heed. What's he going to pay for a solicitor with? Might be a good way to prove he does actually have an income if he goes through with his threat after all - that would probably make him think again.

Courts don't deal with child maintenance

I would bung in a pre-emptive Specific Issues Order application. You make a very persuasive case and if this scholarship is in line with your daughter's wishes and feelings it's highly likely the court will endorse it.

£16,000pa is almost half your income, before tax. Is that really affordable for you?

There will be a lot of expense associated with going to any school, but on top of the annual cost in the case of a private school.

Uniform will be expensive, there will be extra-curriculum clubs and events not covered by the scholarship that DD will want to participate in, her friends will be more scattered than if she went to a local school so there'd be a lot of ferrying her around, there will be school trips you'll feel pressure to pay for....... and with inflation as it is, fees are bound to go up year on year.

Don't dick about like this if you do go to court though!

Keep your application clear and factual. Do everything by the book. This could be a very short, efficient piece of litigation if you play your cards right.

Yeah, but let him find that out by hiring a solicitor and pushing for court 😉

I would tell him to take you to court. As a dad who doesn't pay CM or have her regularly, he has a cheek trying to block this.

I think I'd be tempted to say to him that it'll be great if he takes you to court so that you can reopen the discussion about maintenance....

I wasn't suggesting this is the approach she takes with her lawyer 🙄

It's about calling his bluff. This guy doesn't even pay maintenance, he's not going anywhere near a court if he can help it. He's just trying to be Billy big bollocks with his ex, so call him on his bluff.

OP, don't let his waste this opportunity for your DD.

His reasons sound rooted in his own class anxieties, which is a terrible reason to deny your daughter what sounds like a fantastic opportunity for a warm and welcoming environment where she will thrive.

Accept the scholarship. Also be on the lookout for him filling her head with doubts along the lines of 'you’re not the sort of person they want there'. Don't let his perceptions and prejudices limit her life chances.

Just so you're aware, if the school is not named on her EHCP, you can lose the EHCP as the LA can say you've made your own arrangements.

This sounds an amazing opportunity for your daughter and I’d jump in it with both feet!

If he was 50/50 or concerned about whether he’d be able to afford half of the fees from Yr8 onwards, I could understand, but he’s just being an absolute tosser.

How will you pay those fees on your salary?

I'd definitely push for this for your DD. It's what she wants most importantly! I think you need to let your Ex know it's happening and is his choice whether he wishes to pursue courts. "I'll take you to court" is something all these men say but rarely do they actually want to spend the money and time to do it. I can't see any judge thinking that it was a bad idea for your DD especially given her own views. You could probably even self represent.

Tell him if he tries to stand in your way, instead of saving up for your DD’s future schooling you will use your money to pay someone to track down his income and you will make his life a living hell until he pays full CM (including backdated). Alternatively if he agrees to back off and let your daughter go to her chosen school, you will consider leaving it be.

Needs must.

"This is a golden opportunity for our child, and she will absoloutley thrive in this environment, so I will be proceeding with her application there. I appreciate you may have a different opinion on this, which I have considered, but the outcome is the same. Attending this school is in the best interests of our daughter"

Then he can take next steps re court if he decides. He won't win.

If he pays nothing tell him to take you to court and you can discuss him paying maintenance whilst you're there

I would absolutely 100% send her, this is a phenomenal opportunity and would be a real shame to hold her back from it.

Stuff your ex, he doesn’t pay for her so he doesn’t get a say.

Not being funny, but don’t you get tax credits/UC as a single mother with no maintenance from ex? And you should get DLA for your daughter too. I would deem the school to be 100% beneficial for her and a worthy thing to spend any of the above on.

It’s a no brainer. Go for it.

I think it is unlikely he would win in court as your DD has a musical talent and the school has a programme that can nuture that talent that isn't available at your local middle school, plus he isn't being asked to contribute financially for school fees. Even more unlikely he if takes you to court once she has started at the new school, as it would not be in her best interests to move her.

I would take legal advice but my instinct would be to put it in writing to him how this school meets her needs better than the middle school - music, tailored class curriculum, and adjustments (I'm assuming she would have to sit out of netball/football at the middle school, whereas you've said this school will offer her alternatives).

I would then also address his objections by getting this school named on her EHCP, explaining your financial plan (not in detail, just that there is one) etc. I would also point out that his suggested "best of both worlds" option is not in her best interests as it takes daily practice to develop musical talent and one choir session will not help her to progress, and it will be much harder to develop her talent on her own, much more expensive to pay for the lessons outside of school.

What are the financial consequences of accepting the private school place if you withdraw her on the first day of term? I would probably accept the place but not decline the middle school place until the first day of term in case he takes you to court, so you don't end up without any school place. I don't think it would be unreasonable to keep the state school place under the circumstances. Once she actually starts, the courts would be less likely to make her change schools, so you could decline the state school place then.

He won't take you to court, he is throwing his toys out of the pram. Brilliant opportunity for her. If he did take you to court even the judge would see that.

You've been offered a full scholarship, send her. Even if she has to transfer to state at the end of year 8 (I take it your still in a.middle school area). She will have benifited hugely by the small class sizes and better behaviour, she's dyslexic (so am I) this will make a big difference to her long term learning.

Stuff your exH, he has little or no say if he isn't willing to contribute financially to her anyway.

I do think it would be impossible pay that plus all the additional costs associated with private school and run a house and pay day to day living costs.

I would absolutely send my DC for the duration of a scholarship and fuck what the ex had to say, but I think you have to be realistic in terms of where she goes next and a £35k salary (even allowing for annual pay rises) isn't going to be enough to support her though the secondary years.

If he can't pay child maintenance he has zero ability to fund a court case. I would love to see him explaining to his daughter in future how he had no money for CM but managed to find it to mount a court case against her going to a private school on a scholarship.

He mades some points worth considering but if he doesn't contribute it is not his decision.