ExH doesn’t want DD to go to private school, how do I decide? WWYD?

[PrivateOnScholarOrStateSchool]

DD aged 8, Y4 has been offered a full scholarship to a private school starting in September. She was offered at Christmas.

DD has visited it several times with her current school and loves it. I have been and liked it.

Scholarship includes 1 free uniform, all fees paid and lunches plus the 2 compulsory trips per year for the class. DD is currently has an EHCP for dyslexia and dyspraxia (she also has EDS) but behaviour wise she is perfect (according to her current teacher) and the indie think she’ll fit in perfectly with their current Y4s.

Class sizes are small the current Y4 has 40 in two classes of 20 – it’s not a small school by any means so no worries financially there’s roughly 40 per year in pre-prep and prep then that goes up to around 70 per year from Y7 onwards (which is part of the senior section not prep), DD would be put in the class which is more focused on her interests, and curriculum is tailored to the class/pupil, so DD will be doing singing and music everyday which she will love as she currently does choir and loves it – over 70% of the school take part in music or singing daily. They’re also happy to “carry over” her reasonable adjustments with her so she will do less sport that requires co-ordination (like netball and football) and more of things like swimming and yoga that will really help her. It’s a through school and the scholarship lasts until the end of Y8, so I have a few years to save up for Y9, 10 and 11 or I can look for somewhere else for her. She’d have to move schools for September anyway as she’s at a first school.

I did not put her forward for the scholarship, she was at the school with her school choir and the head of music spotted her singing and handed her a letter to pass to me which told me to contact him, when I did he then interviewed her (to be sure) and introduced her to the head of the prep section, both where enthusiastic and wanted her there.

I can just about afford the fees without the scholarship so my plan is to save up so that if DD wants to stay beyond Y8 and doesn’t get a further scholarship she can still go. I think the school would suit her perfectly, and it’d be a fantastic opportunity. I would not be asking ExH to contribute to anything, he already doesn't pay CM (a whole other thread) and only sees DD EOWend for 1 night - so it literally will not affect him.

But ExH is dead against it, wants her to go to Middle School like everyone else. He thinks with her EHCP it’ll cause issues further down the line if we move her back to state education. He thinks it’s a nice opportunity but we’re not the sort of people they want there. He is also worried about if they withdraw the scholarship or reduce the amount, and we struggle to afford it. Plus there’s extras like none compulsory trips and if she sees all her friends going on these trips she won’t necessarily understand why she can’t. He just thinks DD should join their "none school members" singing/choral group once a week and be happy with that.

He says if I try to send DD there he will take me to court and force her to go to Middle School. DD really wants to take the scholarship, but I’m now torn over it. Because ExH has some good points about it. I'd have not considered sending her private if it weren't for this scholarship, I think the middle school will also suit her and she will be fine there.

Help WWYD?

It is likely the fees will go up if/when Labour get in and private schools lose their charitable status.
I also wouldn't want to be the poor kid - feeling like everyone else has expensive stuff which she can't have.

If you think she would be happy at the local comprehensive school, I would send her there and save the money saved for a rainy day.

Sounds like a great opportunity for her.

Why not suggest to Ex that it's a feather in her cap, she has earned and deserves this great chance and the two of you start a savings fund to cover additional school outings?

So,

He doesn't pay for his kid.
He barely sees his kid.
He doesn't think she should step out of her station.
He has no money for her kid but can afford to go to Court to stop his kid going to a good school she wants to go to and who want her.

Tell him to go for it.

I would just want to check the school's experience with EHCPs. Do they have many children with EHCPs? Can they deliver what is in the current EHCP? How proactive will they be about calling in, say, Educational Psychologists if your daughter hits problems or just needs an updated assessment? Will they charge extra for SEN support when the scholarship runs out? Have you talked to the SENCo?

@Boating123 … I didn’t notice this happening the last time labour were in?

Remember OP will have 6-10k a year additional income if she has applied for DLA and TC/UC. More if she rents.

OP if you haven’t got these things check out turn2us benefits calculator to help you as ExH is tosspot.

This. Non of his arguments are reasons not to send her.

Send her! Even if she has to come out in a few years time because of finances, I'm sure she will benefit hugely from the time she does spend there. Stuff your XH.

He's a twat. You should take the scholarship.

Thank you all some very good points made, that I will look into. Will definitely speak to the indie's senco and discuss the EHCP.

£35k is just my wages, we do get DLA as well which is another £5k per year roughly.

DD already has a place at Middle School from offers day, so she won't be without a school if we don't take the private place.

I think the fact that your dd has been selected is a major achievement in itself.

I absolutely would go for it. You have to stand up to your ex for her on this. Imagine how she would take it if she loses the opportunity she obviously has talent for, just because her father who she sees very little of, doesn't like the idea.

You have 4 years to start putting money aside to see her through the last few years. If the time comes and your finances don't allow, your dd will have benefitted from 4 years of teaching specific to her talent. And she may even get a further scholarship then.

And how very dare he stop her from this opportunity, when he doesn't even contribute to her upbringing.

This is a decision for you and your dd to make. He excluded himself from that by choosing not to support his child.

How big is the school?

As a child with significant SEND and an EHCP provided that the private school is on board with what that entails I'd absolutely go for it. Its an amazing opportunity to be who she is as opposed to who the standard education system expects her to conform to.

Tell him to crack on with taking you to court- or even go for a specific issue hearing yourself so that it is settled and he can't muck her about.

@PrivateOnScholarOrStateSchool
The educational aspects from going private should matter more than your ex perspective,

Basically see him in court

@BodenCardiganNot As I said in my OP

Roughly 40 per year in 2 classes of up to 20 in prep (they can go up as many as 3 classes per year and sometimes do) then roughly 70 per year in Seniors.

If we lose the scholarship at the end of Y8 and I can't afford it, High School starts at Y9 here (due to 3 tier system) so she won't be any worse of in terms of being the new kid I don't think

You can't rely on DLA as that can easily be taken away at review, it's not guaranteed income, particularly as she goes into secondary school.

Let him take you to court.

Whilst he's there, remind the judge he has limited contact and pays fuck all.

He says if I try to send DD there he will take me to court and force her to go to Middle School.

The court will act on the best interests of the child. If you logically present why this school is best for your child then she will be able to stay there.* *

It sounds like an amazing opportunity.
But my children were at state schools and still couldn't go on lots of non compulsory trips as they were very expensive.
And of course they understood and accepted that. Your dd's needs don't sound as though they affect her ability to understand things? So that's not a good reason not to pick this.
A 100% scholarship is an amazing thing to get - very few schools offer that - and in my view your dd should get to make the most of the opportunity she's given herself.

I would go for it and save as much as you can in the meantime. Hopefully you can get 1-2 years of fees saved before she's year 9.

Good luck op.

I bet he's bluffing about court. It sounds an ideal opportunity and I'd be sending her.

I'd be reluctant because the scholarship does not cover the school fees until GCSE year.

The scholarship is based on her singer voice?

That maybe why it's till yr 8 and then reviewed due to vocal skills changing around that age.

Send her
Its a full scolarship
You review year 8
dont think too far ahead
Just smile and wave when he threatens court
"Ok then"
Or preempt with your singke issue order to send her

Do it!

Sounds amazing. We're finding state shit for my likely asd and adhd dd.
We can't get diagnosis or ehcp.
Mine would love not to do the football etc. There is no flexibility so it's likely to be nothing for pe. (As is primary)
Mind is very clever but not showing at school. No private would take her I suspect she to all the issues.

What a cheek given he contributes almost nothing to his own daughter.