ExH doesn’t want DD to go to private school, how do I decide? WWYD?

[PrivateOnScholarOrStateSchool]

DD aged 8, Y4 has been offered a full scholarship to a private school starting in September. She was offered at Christmas.

DD has visited it several times with her current school and loves it. I have been and liked it.

Scholarship includes 1 free uniform, all fees paid and lunches plus the 2 compulsory trips per year for the class. DD is currently has an EHCP for dyslexia and dyspraxia (she also has EDS) but behaviour wise she is perfect (according to her current teacher) and the indie think she’ll fit in perfectly with their current Y4s.

Class sizes are small the current Y4 has 40 in two classes of 20 – it’s not a small school by any means so no worries financially there’s roughly 40 per year in pre-prep and prep then that goes up to around 70 per year from Y7 onwards (which is part of the senior section not prep), DD would be put in the class which is more focused on her interests, and curriculum is tailored to the class/pupil, so DD will be doing singing and music everyday which she will love as she currently does choir and loves it – over 70% of the school take part in music or singing daily. They’re also happy to “carry over” her reasonable adjustments with her so she will do less sport that requires co-ordination (like netball and football) and more of things like swimming and yoga that will really help her. It’s a through school and the scholarship lasts until the end of Y8, so I have a few years to save up for Y9, 10 and 11 or I can look for somewhere else for her. She’d have to move schools for September anyway as she’s at a first school.

I did not put her forward for the scholarship, she was at the school with her school choir and the head of music spotted her singing and handed her a letter to pass to me which told me to contact him, when I did he then interviewed her (to be sure) and introduced her to the head of the prep section, both where enthusiastic and wanted her there.

I can just about afford the fees without the scholarship so my plan is to save up so that if DD wants to stay beyond Y8 and doesn’t get a further scholarship she can still go. I think the school would suit her perfectly, and it’d be a fantastic opportunity. I would not be asking ExH to contribute to anything, he already doesn't pay CM (a whole other thread) and only sees DD EOWend for 1 night - so it literally will not affect him.

But ExH is dead against it, wants her to go to Middle School like everyone else. He thinks with her EHCP it’ll cause issues further down the line if we move her back to state education. He thinks it’s a nice opportunity but we’re not the sort of people they want there. He is also worried about if they withdraw the scholarship or reduce the amount, and we struggle to afford it. Plus there’s extras like none compulsory trips and if she sees all her friends going on these trips she won’t necessarily understand why she can’t. He just thinks DD should join their "none school members" singing/choral group once a week and be happy with that.

He says if I try to send DD there he will take me to court and force her to go to Middle School. DD really wants to take the scholarship, but I’m now torn over it. Because ExH has some good points about it. I'd have not considered sending her private if it weren't for this scholarship, I think the middle school will also suit her and she will be fine there.

Help WWYD?

I would under no circumstances short of additional needs that could not otherwise be accommodated countenance my child attending a private school, but in the event of splitting with DH I would have our child living with me a minimum of 50% of the time and would be a fully involved parent.

I’d go for it with the school. Tell him you look forward to asking him in court if his ‘volunteer’ job is funding his legal fees since it doesn’t seem to provide any maintenance for his child, obviously that’s the same child that he doesn’t want to let you send to a great school. Say honestly as a judge seeing you only willing to put any money into holding your child back wg this court appearance and none into supporting them I’d wonder if that one day a fortnight contact is more than is good for your child. (Obviously the judge won’t say that but he is full of shit so you may as well throw some belligerent shit back at him - the judge may well think it!)

This sounds like a great opportunity for your DD, you should go for it and ignore him.

Doesn’t pay CM but yet sees fit to dictate to you… Let him take you to court, if only to see him waste money

This in spades. His reasons are dumb. If he needs a judge to tell him that so be it.

Also op even if she doesn't get a full scholarship after year 8, she may get a reduced one if she has shown potential in music and that is what they offer. No private schools round here offer full scholarship but they do partial one's of varying rates depending on how well children do.

I would say even though a lot of private schools don't do great on SEN provision as she will have small class sizes and better behaviour then it will really help, rather then struggling in a.main stream school with little support that is currently offered.

My DS has been private throughout, school n’y named in EHCP (or his earlier statement). Never caused any issues

Speaking purely as a person with EDS (undiagnosed at that point but in the process of it), if they are supportive and kind towards her and making adaptations then I’d go with them. It’s a big opportunity and school is so much easier with understanding and reasonable adjustments. He’s not paying so he can shut up tbh 😂

Is it a choir school, OP? If it is- do you know how much practice is required? It can be very demanding.

I would bite the schools arm off. What a wonderful opportunity for DD.

Ex H is being a stupid idiot. State schools are on their knees (through no fault of their own). And if this school is willing, why wouldn't you?

As for him not paying maintenance... that's a whole other thread.

Tell him to take you to court. You can have a chat to the Judge about maintenance

Took the words out of my mouth!

You can pay 16.5 k on a 35k salary

That was a question

This

On 35k you may qualify for a bursary should the scholarship expire.

Have pm'd you

If he is claiming benefits and "volunteering" for a family business, please report him.

This if from the government website:

If you’re getting a benefit, you can volunteer for any type of organisation. However, you cannot volunteer for a close relative, for example:

• your parent or parent-in-law
• your grandparent
• your son or daughter
• your son-in-law or daughter-in law
• your grandchild
• your brother or sister

Well he can take you to court. What court in land would say, "don't take 4 years of free private education because Dad doesn't like it"

Sounds like a fantastic opportunity, how narrow minded of exH

It's a fantastic opportunity and I think the smaller class sizes will be really helpful to her - go for it! Re funding - it would be worth looking for other funding too, such as the government's Music and Dance Scheme, which offers bursaries to cover fees at specialist music schools and also junior conservatoires, and Awards for Young Musicians.

He says if I try to send DD there he will take me to court and force her to go to Middle School. Well I wish him luck with that!

Your DD has been offered the opportunity to go to a school that seems to recognise her needs. Grab it with both hands!

Does the scholarship include funding the SEP in section F of DD’s EHCP and not just reasonable adjustments for PE?

If you do go ahead, the EHCP won’t cease, it will still be maintained, but if the school isn’t named in section I the LA won’t fund the placement/provision (mostly, in a minority of situations some LAs will come to an agreement whereby parents pay the fees and the LA fund the SEP).

This sounds like a school that have invested time into understanding your daughter and her needs and feel she, and the school, are a good match. With the lack of funding in state schools currently and all the issues they are facing, I'd bite their hands off. Come Y8, you may have been able to save up to cover fees, you may have had a promotion/pay rise, she may decide she doesn't actually like the school and want to move back to state, they may extend her scholarship, or if not, offer a bursary. There are so many variables, but if it were my DC, I'd not deny them such a fantastic opportunity on the basis of 'what ifs'.

The worst case scenario is that she has to move back to state for Y9, which from what you've said, wouldn't be a disaster, but she will have had 4 years exploring music in far greater depth than state will be able to manage. She sounds like she has raw talent, which the school will help her develop and nurture - who knows where that could lead. Your ex is being unbelievably selfish to deny her that on the basis of his preconceptions. I'm going to hazard a guess he's not actually visited the school and knows nothing about it?

This.

Let him take you to court. They will not find in his favour.