ExH doesn’t want DD to go to private school, how do I decide? WWYD?

[PrivateOnScholarOrStateSchool]

DD aged 8, Y4 has been offered a full scholarship to a private school starting in September. She was offered at Christmas.

DD has visited it several times with her current school and loves it. I have been and liked it.

Scholarship includes 1 free uniform, all fees paid and lunches plus the 2 compulsory trips per year for the class. DD is currently has an EHCP for dyslexia and dyspraxia (she also has EDS) but behaviour wise she is perfect (according to her current teacher) and the indie think she’ll fit in perfectly with their current Y4s.

Class sizes are small the current Y4 has 40 in two classes of 20 – it’s not a small school by any means so no worries financially there’s roughly 40 per year in pre-prep and prep then that goes up to around 70 per year from Y7 onwards (which is part of the senior section not prep), DD would be put in the class which is more focused on her interests, and curriculum is tailored to the class/pupil, so DD will be doing singing and music everyday which she will love as she currently does choir and loves it – over 70% of the school take part in music or singing daily. They’re also happy to “carry over” her reasonable adjustments with her so she will do less sport that requires co-ordination (like netball and football) and more of things like swimming and yoga that will really help her. It’s a through school and the scholarship lasts until the end of Y8, so I have a few years to save up for Y9, 10 and 11 or I can look for somewhere else for her. She’d have to move schools for September anyway as she’s at a first school.

I did not put her forward for the scholarship, she was at the school with her school choir and the head of music spotted her singing and handed her a letter to pass to me which told me to contact him, when I did he then interviewed her (to be sure) and introduced her to the head of the prep section, both where enthusiastic and wanted her there.

I can just about afford the fees without the scholarship so my plan is to save up so that if DD wants to stay beyond Y8 and doesn’t get a further scholarship she can still go. I think the school would suit her perfectly, and it’d be a fantastic opportunity. I would not be asking ExH to contribute to anything, he already doesn't pay CM (a whole other thread) and only sees DD EOWend for 1 night - so it literally will not affect him.

But ExH is dead against it, wants her to go to Middle School like everyone else. He thinks with her EHCP it’ll cause issues further down the line if we move her back to state education. He thinks it’s a nice opportunity but we’re not the sort of people they want there. He is also worried about if they withdraw the scholarship or reduce the amount, and we struggle to afford it. Plus there’s extras like none compulsory trips and if she sees all her friends going on these trips she won’t necessarily understand why she can’t. He just thinks DD should join their "none school members" singing/choral group once a week and be happy with that.

He says if I try to send DD there he will take me to court and force her to go to Middle School. DD really wants to take the scholarship, but I’m now torn over it. Because ExH has some good points about it. I'd have not considered sending her private if it weren't for this scholarship, I think the middle school will also suit her and she will be fine there.

Help WWYD?

Ex took me to court to remove my DC from their fee paying school.

he also unsurprisingly did not contribute to the school fees or anything else.

Judge did not agree with him. As he did not pay, did not have the responsibility to meet the payments, was not resident parent so had no responsibility in getting child(ren) to school.

if you can work it, I’d put her in the school in which you think your DC will thrive and be happy.

Why doesn’t he want her to succeed in life and get a good education?

Sounds like an amazing opportunity. One timing to take into consideration - and sorry if someone else has mentioned already - is the chance that private schools will have to charge VAT on fees in the future. It’s something labour have talked about. So that would mean a 20% increase overnight. Plus fees will rise year on year anyway.

Thing not timing*

Go. Go. Go, go, go. Go.

What an absolutely fantastic opportunity. I do understand what your ex is saying and it's sensible to think of the future. But if you think you can meet the fees so there's no risk of her having to readjust somewhere else, then just put her in and let your ex do his worse. No judge is going to remove her. And if your ex loves his daughter, when he sees how happy she is, hopeful he'll relent.

Gosh ...what's cheap I work in a private prep ..not London but south it's it's around £15 - 18000 a year not including residential trips

• I do think it would be impossible pay that plus all the additional costs associated with private school and run a house and pay day to day living costs."

This. And that's before Labour change the VAT treatment for independent school. But as a pp said, she will get a lot of benefit at this stage in her school life if the provision is good. Have you actually assessed the state provision in the local Middle school though?

I would talk to the school offering the scholarship to find out what the normal practice is? If her behaviour is good, grades are satisfactory and she continues in the choir will that be enough?

if I was offered this for any of my children I would snap their hands off!

Sounds like a wonderful opportunity. Go for it! Don’t worry about the ex!

@TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams Middle School is fine and she has a place in it because I never knew private was an option. She'd have to do PE and just sit out of the things she can't do (which she may not choose to do).

Behaviourwise she's quite quiet, doesn't put herself forward to answer questions but when given her chance to shine, she does. She's doesn't have 1-1 or anything.

Behaviourwise she's quite quiet, doesn't put herself forward to answer questions but when given her chance to shine, she does.

As another poster said is that enough? There are often expectations and criteria that must be met for those with scholarships, especially fully funded. it's already unusual that she has a fully funded place simply for her singing ability, and there's a very real chance she won't get the 100% scholarship for the 3 years. As fantastic as this opportunity is I would worry about how she would deal with having to move school again if the situation changed and you're unable to afford her place.

To be clearer - I would ask for a meeting with their head of admissions and have an open and honest conversation with the school. It's a fantastic opportunity and you need to gird your loins to have a plain speaking but polite conversations.
To set their expectations
- you are a single mum [to all intents and purposes financially you are].

• your ex husband is not supportive, there are no rich grandparents
• it will not be possible to meet even 50% of her educational costs if her scholarship is withdrawn after two years unless your financial circumstances change significantly. [you will be means tested then anyway].

So while you deeply appreciate the opportunity, you need it clearly spelled out as to what is required from your daughter in order to renew that scholarship out to the end of her GCSE's ? This is so that you can both make an informed decision.

eg: If the choir she is earmarked for is only run for Yrs7/8 and they want her for some big international competition then they should be plain that she will need to reapply for a new scholarship and are fully funding scholarship's available then even if she is re-competing for them?

Worth bearing in mind that ALL scholarships are subject to something - if it's sports and your child suddenly decides to withdraw from school teams entirely, it's unlikely a school will continue for example.
Generally, she will need to be able to keep up academically - they all have one eye on their statistics and if she is likely to get poor GCSE's they may ask you to find her a new school for that GCSE cycle. Similarly if she suddenly becomes disruptive most independent schools are deeply intolerant of that. They will make some allowances for SEN needs but genuine troublemaking, not a chance.

Lastly, your ex sounds like a waste of space. He'll be the first person to start boasting of her achievements while making zero contribution.