ExH doesn’t want DD to go to private school, how do I decide? WWYD?

[PrivateOnScholarOrStateSchool]

DD aged 8, Y4 has been offered a full scholarship to a private school starting in September. She was offered at Christmas.

DD has visited it several times with her current school and loves it. I have been and liked it.

Scholarship includes 1 free uniform, all fees paid and lunches plus the 2 compulsory trips per year for the class. DD is currently has an EHCP for dyslexia and dyspraxia (she also has EDS) but behaviour wise she is perfect (according to her current teacher) and the indie think she’ll fit in perfectly with their current Y4s.

Class sizes are small the current Y4 has 40 in two classes of 20 – it’s not a small school by any means so no worries financially there’s roughly 40 per year in pre-prep and prep then that goes up to around 70 per year from Y7 onwards (which is part of the senior section not prep), DD would be put in the class which is more focused on her interests, and curriculum is tailored to the class/pupil, so DD will be doing singing and music everyday which she will love as she currently does choir and loves it – over 70% of the school take part in music or singing daily. They’re also happy to “carry over” her reasonable adjustments with her so she will do less sport that requires co-ordination (like netball and football) and more of things like swimming and yoga that will really help her. It’s a through school and the scholarship lasts until the end of Y8, so I have a few years to save up for Y9, 10 and 11 or I can look for somewhere else for her. She’d have to move schools for September anyway as she’s at a first school.

I did not put her forward for the scholarship, she was at the school with her school choir and the head of music spotted her singing and handed her a letter to pass to me which told me to contact him, when I did he then interviewed her (to be sure) and introduced her to the head of the prep section, both where enthusiastic and wanted her there.

I can just about afford the fees without the scholarship so my plan is to save up so that if DD wants to stay beyond Y8 and doesn’t get a further scholarship she can still go. I think the school would suit her perfectly, and it’d be a fantastic opportunity. I would not be asking ExH to contribute to anything, he already doesn't pay CM (a whole other thread) and only sees DD EOWend for 1 night - so it literally will not affect him.

But ExH is dead against it, wants her to go to Middle School like everyone else. He thinks with her EHCP it’ll cause issues further down the line if we move her back to state education. He thinks it’s a nice opportunity but we’re not the sort of people they want there. He is also worried about if they withdraw the scholarship or reduce the amount, and we struggle to afford it. Plus there’s extras like none compulsory trips and if she sees all her friends going on these trips she won’t necessarily understand why she can’t. He just thinks DD should join their "none school members" singing/choral group once a week and be happy with that.

He says if I try to send DD there he will take me to court and force her to go to Middle School. DD really wants to take the scholarship, but I’m now torn over it. Because ExH has some good points about it. I'd have not considered sending her private if it weren't for this scholarship, I think the middle school will also suit her and she will be fine there.

Help WWYD?

I would assume the scholarship is until the end of year 8, @Againlosinghope ,because the school has 13+ entry/"senior school", like most public schools, or because the local state system has high school starting in year 9. More people send their children to private school for secondary/high school than to private primary/middle/prep schools. Lots of DC enter the private system at secondary level.

The school wants to attract bright or talented kids to the prep school but they are hedging their bets by only offering the scholarship until the end of that stage in their education. They don't offer scholarships until 18 because there may be more talented or brighter children competing for the scholarship at secondary level whose academic abilities weren't obvious at 4/7 or who haven't started learning music at that age or whose parents couldn't afford to top up a bursary for 14 years but can for 5-7 years. Private schools are a business, they don't hand out scholarships for purely altruistic reasons...

I would like to know this too.

Schools are businesses.

I put my DD into private school in Year 4 through 7, she is badly dyslexic. I say send your DD. Although private education is not a ‘fix’ for any special need, we found the time and space that private schools are able to give to their pupils is invaluable.

Agree that you need to check this out really carefully with the Local Authority Inclusion team before making any decisions.

Scholarship was offered on Singing Ability and potential musical ability, she doesn't play an instrutment but they had her playing a bit of piano under direction from the teacher and said she'd likely be very good at that to.

I would do it. If your dd is still as talented then, she may get a scholarship elsewhere. Do be aware though the fees are likely to be 20k even if labour don’t add 20% vat.

Can you go back to the CMS for CM payments?

My cousin won a full scholarship my uncle didn't have to pay any school fees for her.

@Mummyoflittledragon Yes CMS can't find an income for him he's a "volunteer" in a business thats run by his dad, uncle and cousin

If you weren't the sort of people they want there they wouldn't have made you such an outstanding offer.

Take it.

You'll be mad not to take the offer. She will be ahead of all her subjects compared to state school children. She will get more one to one attention. I'd you did have to put her back into state school education she will be at the top of her class. Go for it

The more you say, the more weird this sounds. You seriously need to name this school in the EHCP otherwise you'll lose it.

So not just a Fuckwit. But a Devious Fuckwit.

I don't think he gets a say in what is best for your daughter, based on the deceit he has gone to, to not provide for her.

"You'll be mad not to take the offer. She will be ahead of all her subjects compared to state school children. She will get more one to one attention. I'd you did have to put her back into state school education she will be at the top of her class. Go for it"

That's really not true 🤣

I don't think you can afford to continue after the funded year. It's half your income. As long as you're prepared to move her then fine but I wouldn't. Your ex is a prick, not sure why you've even told him.

He is worried that she will be more intelligent and successful than him. This is a typical black crab in barrel scenario.

I know! I thought he might have some valid points until I read that he would take you to court if you disagreed with him.

I mean FFS. That’s not how mature adults sort out parenting dilemmas except as an absolute last resort.

ExH and I almost always agree but when we have different opinions we just talk it out/do more research. Neither of us would ever go “This is what I want and if you don’t do it I’ll get the law involved.”

Anyway. To address the actual dilemma:

I think you’ve thought it through pretty carefully and have a plan. I went to a private school and some of my friends were “scholarship girls” (I know that sounds awful). Plenty of non-scholarship families are far from loaded and make a lot of sacrifices to send their children to private school, so it’s not like she will be the only “poor relation”.

It sounds like a good opportunity for your DD and one that she wants to pursue, so I’d say go for it.

My daughter and my son is my reference what is yours. I stand by my comment.

2 of mine went private on Assisted Places. Trips are no more expensive than state school and a huge bonus is usually longer school days and wrap around care.

My only caveat would be that whatever they say, private schools are not as hot on SEN as state.

As it's a full scholarship you'd be mad to turn it down.

If we lose the scholarship at the end of Y8 and I can't afford it, High School starts at Y9 here (due to 3 tier system) so she won't be any worse of in terms of being the new kid I don't think

It would make me more included to take it TBH - you can swap back to state much more straight forwardly than in many areas without 3 tier system.

A judge isn't very likely to say 'dad is absolutely right, she needs to be held back as much as possible'. A judge is more likely to say 'it's a scholarship, its a great opportunity, of course its in her interests to go'.

You can ask CMS to do a mandatory consideration that his lifestyle doesn't match his declared income of £0

I would also report to the Inland Revenue that they clearly paying staff as volunteers to avoid tax & NI.

Seems absolutely insane not to send her in the circumstances you describe. The only thing that would stop me is if she didn't want to go herself.

Do it! Putting me in private school was the bet thing my mother did for me, I didn't get to stay there long but it's the only reason I got half a decent education.

Don't listen to him and do it if she wants to :)

It's what she wants and you currently have the means to provide it. It sounds like a wonderful opportunity.

Dad for 1 night EOW doesn't get a bigger say than what she wants.

Let him try to take you to court if that's what he wants to. I can't see any court having an issue with your intentions.

Also court will rule in your favour. They look highly on scholarships and on private education

Your ex is a dick

the school sounds amazing for your daughter and it’s a brilliant opportunity