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Original poster

Ruined Fathers day and feel like shit

237 replies

RuinedTheDay · 18/06/2023 20:24

I went shopping with dd, while texting other dc who were away with Dh on friday night. Booked a meal for tonight. Bought cards and wrapped presents. Gave dd her card. Put other dc card in their room. Updated all dc with plans.

Told dh a meal was booked. He said cancel it as no need. Couldn't cancel.it at the time we spoke (late sat night) so cancelled today while I was at work. As we were having issues at work, I failed to update dc. Poor communication on my part.

Dh didnt realise dc knew, so dd found out from him dinner was cancelled. And threw a massive wobbly at me via text at work and is now not talking to me. (Shes 13)

I came home and have cooked a roast. Apologised for my poor communication. Spoke to one ds who got mad, I apologised again, he apologised, all good. Plans were made to gove presents at dinner. Checked in with the eldest dc, checked plans were ok, said right tell your brother we are all agreed, make sure you get buy in from dd (who had given card at this point) as didnt want her saying I hadn't left her out in the communication.

Dh upset as apparently only dd said happy fathers day. This is my fault as, unknown to me, they had agreed to do cards and presents at the meal. But that doesnt stop them saying it, but there we go. Hence the upset of everyone.

So I have cooked a meal. Set the table, reorganised plans. Made cute little menus and wrapped the silverware to make it all look a bit special and not a normal dinner. Presents sat in the middle.of the table.

I updated everyone on what i was cooking and when it would be ready. Apologised again for the miscommunication of earlier.

Dh has stopped off for a drive. I said but I am about to serve. He said, well you said 45 mins 20 mins ago. It wasnt 20 mins ago. Anyway I didnt argue cos everyone is obviously feeling a but raw.

So now, table set. Dinner ready. Presents ready.

Noone at the table and we are all waiting for dh.

I feel like shit. All because I didnt let them know I cancelled dinner. Yes, it was a mistake, but i was dealing with a lot at work and I got caught up.

OP posts:
Kentkittypie · 19/06/2023 05:00

ForTheSakeOfThePenguin · 18/06/2023 22:22

And that much apologising just shows a woman who is often walking on eggshells. Do you know excessive apologising is one of the markers of victims of domestic abuse? You may have normalised it but this is not normal at all.

I almost wrote this but didn't, but when I read this I wish I had. Are you frequently walking on eggshells around dh, having to deal with his moods or upsets and being blamed for them? It might be time to have a look at the dynamics at home ( are dc mirroring their dh who is essentially abusive? ) and talk to someone outside of your family about this.

Newestname002 · 19/06/2023 05:27

Sending you several virtual hugs @RuinedTheDay. Your family, led by your "D"H don't seem to value you at all and yes, as someone else said, have made you the whipping boy. I wonder what they all, including your husband, do for you in your days, Mother's Day, birthdays... 🌹

pinkpiggypuffs · 19/06/2023 06:13

I agree they sound like brats. In our household dh gets a card and we celebrate him being a dad. Maybe your dh is an incredible dad but mine is pretty average and treated as such 😂

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
pillsthrillsandbellyache · 19/06/2023 07:33

Sit down and have a think about how you can change the dynamic in your house (unless there is abuse obviously) . You seem to do an awful lot of running around and walking on eggshells. Next year, remind the kids it's fathers day and let them sort something themselves.
I really hope you got a thanks for the efforts you went to after been at work all day.

VisionsOfSplendour · 19/06/2023 07:45

If you're still reading @RuinedTheDay think about how rare it is to have a consensus opinion on here and please open your eyes to how dysfunctional the situation is and make changes

Donotshushme · 19/06/2023 07:49

If they're teenagers why are you getting involved in cards and presents at all? Just remind them of the date and leave them to it.

Don't let them make you responsible for their emotions. Your dh is a prick.

Donotshushme · 19/06/2023 07:51

I suspect your daughter is taking the lead from her father in how she interacts with you. Possibly so that he doesn't turn on her.

goldenlocks · 19/06/2023 07:55

Such a shame you/your family missed the spirit of Father's Day. If you have to mark it at all, maybe reflect on why you're doing it.

I'm sorry you went to such effort and everyone is so rude and ungrateful.

LindorDoubleChoc · 19/06/2023 07:58

Wow. My DH got a card and a bar of hazelnut chocolate from the 22 year old and a card and a bottle of beer from the 19 year old. I cooked him fajitas. He was very happy with that!

Eviebeans · 19/06/2023 07:58

it all sounds like a nightmare
just wondering how Mother’s Day works in your house …

Hoffi · 19/06/2023 08:04

This reads like an exhausting domestic version of an episode of The Apprentice, with you as the frazzled Project Manager and your DH as - not even LordAlan, but - Unpleasable Claude.

No one should have to 'get buy in' from a 13 yr old.

LadyKenya · 19/06/2023 08:04

Too much drama going on. Just leave them to it next year.

ilovebagpuss · 19/06/2023 08:20

Awful - it reads like you are an underpaid nanny/domestic help running around trying not to get fired.
What a horrible day.

Humpf · 19/06/2023 08:21

He is not your dad and your children are old enough to sort cards and things between them either individually or as a group. You need to sit them down and tell them this and tell them that on Mothers Day you expect to be celebrated by them (if you do) and not their dad. Even if it is a handmade card and a hug.

I see my role on Fathers Day as support for whatever my kids have planned for DH not the person who runs around organising a whole shebang.

QueefQueen80s · 19/06/2023 09:05

God this all sounds so stressful, your family has a weird dynamic but you've gone way over the top for fathers day.

EllaRaines · 19/06/2023 09:13

This is why we only celebrate Christmas and whilst we acknowledge birthdays they are a very low key affair.

All these special days have high expectations but often lead to drama, tension, anxiety and falling out with another.

godhowridiculous · 19/06/2023 10:43

Of all the threads I've read on here where I've thought LTB - this one's right up there.

Annipeck · 19/06/2023 10:59

OP, what I'm getting from this thread is that you're massively self-blaming and your role in the family seems to be the placating one, the apologiser, the blame-taker, while everyone else strops off.

Is this true?

For instance, I did absolutely nothing for Father's Day for DH. I reminded DS to get a card and he handed over something he'd made at school. Other than that the day was what we would normally have done on a summer Sunday.

Notamum12345577 · 19/06/2023 16:46

RuinedTheDay · 18/06/2023 20:35

Its my fault because he didnt realise I had told the dc. And then I didn't update them. So dd found out from him and got mad saying i should have told her. They had - again, unknown to me, - made plans to do presents at dinner.

I had also put the card for the eldest two on the desk, but then eldest had taken it. Middle ds text me asking where it was, i told him, he found it. So that was a drama.

Dh mentioned the not saying happy father day to me when i got home. So I mentioned it to the eldest two, who then said it was my fault as they had made the present plans for dinner. And i didnt update them.

Shit communication all round i think. But everyone is mad at me.

Dinner was cancelled cos of the cost. Dh had just spent more than expected on a uni visit trip with the two eldest.

Why are you buying cards for kids who are almost Uni age?! They should but them themselves. 13 year old, ok, but not the older ones

KajsaKavat · 19/06/2023 17:51

It’s just Father’s Day, a totally pointless day, why in earth is it such a big deal. And presents…!!!?

LifesTooShortForYourNonsense · 19/06/2023 18:07

Life is too short for (all of) your nonsense.

The drama!

MustWeDoThis · 19/06/2023 18:10

RuinedTheDay · 18/06/2023 20:24

I went shopping with dd, while texting other dc who were away with Dh on friday night. Booked a meal for tonight. Bought cards and wrapped presents. Gave dd her card. Put other dc card in their room. Updated all dc with plans.

Told dh a meal was booked. He said cancel it as no need. Couldn't cancel.it at the time we spoke (late sat night) so cancelled today while I was at work. As we were having issues at work, I failed to update dc. Poor communication on my part.

Dh didnt realise dc knew, so dd found out from him dinner was cancelled. And threw a massive wobbly at me via text at work and is now not talking to me. (Shes 13)

I came home and have cooked a roast. Apologised for my poor communication. Spoke to one ds who got mad, I apologised again, he apologised, all good. Plans were made to gove presents at dinner. Checked in with the eldest dc, checked plans were ok, said right tell your brother we are all agreed, make sure you get buy in from dd (who had given card at this point) as didnt want her saying I hadn't left her out in the communication.

Dh upset as apparently only dd said happy fathers day. This is my fault as, unknown to me, they had agreed to do cards and presents at the meal. But that doesnt stop them saying it, but there we go. Hence the upset of everyone.

So I have cooked a meal. Set the table, reorganised plans. Made cute little menus and wrapped the silverware to make it all look a bit special and not a normal dinner. Presents sat in the middle.of the table.

I updated everyone on what i was cooking and when it would be ready. Apologised again for the miscommunication of earlier.

Dh has stopped off for a drive. I said but I am about to serve. He said, well you said 45 mins 20 mins ago. It wasnt 20 mins ago. Anyway I didnt argue cos everyone is obviously feeling a but raw.

So now, table set. Dinner ready. Presents ready.

Noone at the table and we are all waiting for dh.

I feel like shit. All because I didnt let them know I cancelled dinner. Yes, it was a mistake, but i was dealing with a lot at work and I got caught up.

OP, what would happen if you told your husband it was actually his fault for cancelling? Are you too afraid to do this? If you are, then you have bigger problems.

All I'm seeing here is an ungrateful, spoiled, manipulative, controlling, abusive, and gaslighting narcissist.

There are massive red flags here. I hope you come to your senses.

RunningFromInsanity · 19/06/2023 18:13

Your husband is a dick and your kids are brats.

CauliflowerBalti · 19/06/2023 18:27

Your family don’t sound very nice. Yes, they had made plans to give presents at dinner. But plans can change, and this one is of a level of, ‘ok - we will give presents at the dinner you have made’. It’s really no more of a deal than that.

Regardless of when gifts are given, you can say ‘happy fathers day’ at any time, and should. As soon as possible on the day. That’s the law. Not your fault the kids didn’t know that.

Your DH not turning up to the dinner you cooked is just rude. They’re all exceptionally rude people. Don’t bother next year. Then nothing can be ‘your fault’. I mean. They’d all do a better job anyway, in their heads. Let them get on with it.

huge hugs to you.

Allthecheeseplease · 19/06/2023 18:27

All this over a hallmark holiday? For crying out loud, what a baby. He needs to cop on.