Ruined Fathers day and feel like shit

[RuinedTheDay]

I went shopping with dd, while texting other dc who were away with Dh on friday night. Booked a meal for tonight. Bought cards and wrapped presents. Gave dd her card. Put other dc card in their room. Updated all dc with plans.

Told dh a meal was booked. He said cancel it as no need. Couldn't cancel.it at the time we spoke (late sat night) so cancelled today while I was at work. As we were having issues at work, I failed to update dc. Poor communication on my part.

Dh didnt realise dc knew, so dd found out from him dinner was cancelled. And threw a massive wobbly at me via text at work and is now not talking to me. (Shes 13)

I came home and have cooked a roast. Apologised for my poor communication. Spoke to one ds who got mad, I apologised again, he apologised, all good. Plans were made to gove presents at dinner. Checked in with the eldest dc, checked plans were ok, said right tell your brother we are all agreed, make sure you get buy in from dd (who had given card at this point) as didnt want her saying I hadn't left her out in the communication.

Dh upset as apparently only dd said happy fathers day. This is my fault as, unknown to me, they had agreed to do cards and presents at the meal. But that doesnt stop them saying it, but there we go. Hence the upset of everyone.

So I have cooked a meal. Set the table, reorganised plans. Made cute little menus and wrapped the silverware to make it all look a bit special and not a normal dinner. Presents sat in the middle.of the table.

I updated everyone on what i was cooking and when it would be ready. Apologised again for the miscommunication of earlier.

Dh has stopped off for a drive. I said but I am about to serve. He said, well you said 45 mins 20 mins ago. It wasnt 20 mins ago. Anyway I didnt argue cos everyone is obviously feeling a but raw.

So now, table set. Dinner ready. Presents ready.

Noone at the table and we are all waiting for dh.

I feel like shit. All because I didnt let them know I cancelled dinner. Yes, it was a mistake, but i was dealing with a lot at work and I got caught up.

I'd be pissed off if all I got was happy Mother's Day in the morning and no card. Plan whatever you want but atleast tell me cards/gifts something special later on in the day

I have never, as a child or an adult, done Mothers' or Fathers' Day, and judging from what I read on MN about both events, I am very much the happier by abstaining from both.

Yes I'm not saying OP is in the wrong, or that the Dd's reaction is right, and j agree DH should get the 'blame' if we have to blame someone, but I was surprised at a few posters who didn't seem to think it should matter to the DD at all or couldn't understand why she's upset.

As far as I can gather she was the only dc involved in the shopping for father's Day with OP and presumably had had conversations with OP about the plans for dinner, so as far as she's concerned there was a plan in place for nice celebrations for her dad and the person who told her they were happening hasn't told her about the change or why. Yes of course there are good reasons and it's not OPs fault, I can just empathise with being disappointed / feeling left out of things and reacting badly. And can see my DD reacting similarly for reasons entirely unrelated to being spoilt eg struggling to process changes to expected plans.

You're being too hard on yourself OP - please try not to be. It sounds like you have far too much on your plate. He made more work for you when you didn't need it.

They all seem to not really consider you as a human and your feelings. If you, the robot that they think you are, do something that hasn't been programmed by them in advance then they throw a strop. There's no consideration of you at all. 😞

Why did your husband decide to cancel a booked meal out for his benefit to celebrate father's day? Why didn't you say it's booked and the children know so see you there?

I'm not sure I understand what went on here?

You didn’t make a mistake OP, DH cancelled the meal, DH let’s everyone know. The end.

All this stopping and drama and self-indulgence in your family is ridiculous.

The more you apologise the more they’ll rage. I’d shut it down and say you’ve apologised for your part in it and unless other people want to apologise for the way they spoke to you, you don’t want to hear another word about it. Your DH should be backing you up, not stirring it.

Bloody nora what a kerfuffle. Next year give dh a couple of cards at breakfast time and a nice cup of coffee. Get it all over with asap then you can get on with your day.

If your older two are at uni visit stage, they are old enough to sort their own cards and gifts. You are honestly doing them (and you and your over loved ones) no favours by doing it for them. I have a brother like that, and he’s grown up to be shit at cards and gifts as an adult. My mum has only very recently stopped covering for him. He (and she) still expects us to remember his family events though. Drives me and my sister mad.

Are you often blamed and scapegoated for everything by everyone in your family? 😳

You sound positively obsequious, like you’re terrified everyone is going to shout at you.

It wasn’t your fault.

Do you get the same done for you for mother's day?!

What happened to a tepid bacon sarnie in bed while the kids crawl all over him and remind him of why he cherishes their darling, noisy existence?

That was the way with my dad, and now it is the way with my children’s dad. So it has always been and will ever be so. Amen.

This. What a horrid little drama queen.

Why the fuss? He got cards, presents, a lunch cooked. Failing to see the problem here, is he usually this precious?

This whole thing sounds insane. Why do you act like you're everyone's maid and personal assistant?

Asking where a card is being a big deal? Your DD in a strop because the wrong parent told her dinner was cancelled? DH stropping off with you because his children didn't say happy father's day at the right time? Jeez. You need a long holiday. Alone.

Your H is being a childish dickhead. What pathetic behaviour. And your DD was lashing out in teen fashion but should see her mum not taking unwarranted blame. Model appropriate behaviour by regaining your self respect. You didn’t fuck anything up. Your H is being embarrassingly ridiculous and your kid needs reminding of how to behave.

Hold your nerve. Hold the line.

Ffs. They're all treating you like a doormat and you're agreeing with them! I initially thought that they were older and they showed up at the restaurant and we're left waiting there. That's not the case. So what if you didn't tell them. There was no harm done. If the kids didn't say happy father's day that's on them. He's not your father.

Omg do people think and act like this for real. What a lot of made up drama over nothing. Way way too much fuss was made ( though ironically not enough at the right time aka upon waking). How dare your DD have a strop about a change of dinner plans - she still got a nice meal I bet.

You really need to stop apologising. You are coming across as being a people pleasing doormat. Take this as a wake up call.

How has it taken this long to reach a response like this on this thread? Exactly what I was going to say.

Storm in a teacup. DH got a hastily written card by the youngest DC this morning and a box of his favourite chocs. Job done.

Just relax a bit. What a huge fanfare!

Jesus wept I'm exhausted just reading that OP.

You can't write doormat over yourself and then complain when people walk all over you, though.

Stop enabling such appalling behaviour. They don't deserve your efforts.

Like a pp wrote, your children have learned how to treat you by their father.

You need to have a massive think about how you're going to move forward with your children. My kids would never have even contemplated treating me the way your kids treat you. Stop being a doormat and the family punching bag.

This sounds like a huge drama over a made up holiday. Your kids are old enough to sort it all themselves - it's between them and their father.

I bloody hope he made a huge effort for Mother's Day

We didn't do anything for father's day. You went above and beyond what you should do. Your family should be a bit more grateful!

This. It sounds like a covert military option by some sort of tactical unit, rather than a family. So unnecessary and stressful.

is there areason he couldnt tell them the meal was cancelled

is there also a reason why theyre incapable of saying happy fathers day and cooking something