Can I talk to someone about this 'practical joke' it was years ago but it still affects me

[Unfunnyjoke]

Occasionally this pops up again in my mind and I really struggling to process it. It's been 5 years since so I don't know why I can't get over it.

I have been through so much trauma in my life, abuse, the deaths of my children, cancer... you get the picture. I'm usually a person who compartmentalises and just gets on with stuff because there's no other choice, but this feels really different.

My ex and I had been together 4 years, just had our second child (3 days beforehand) our older dc was with family for a few hours while I rested after a traumatic birth.

I was dozing off between breastfeeding and then he nudged me and told me to look at the TV.

There was breaking news on there, and all this awful footage of shit going in in the world that didn't look right at all, then they started on about nuclear threat, said the PM was getting taken to a bunker etc. I messaged the person who had my dc and then tried to call and got no response. I was absolutely terrified, picked up my baby, sobbing because I was terrified she would die and that my older dc would die without me there.

Then the report said that a nuclear bomb was imminent and went off air. I was sobbing and felt sick, started putting my shoes on to run and get my older dc.

Then ex started pissing himself laughing, it was a YouTube video, made to look realistic and that it was breaking news that the UK was getting bombed and we were all going to die.

He had messaged my family member saying to ignore my calls because I needed rest and was worrying about older dc.

He found it hilarious, and I just couldn't get over the cruelty of it.

My ex before him beat me up several times and I feel like I'm over that, but this... I just can't seem to. Every time I think of it I feel sick, the fear of my babies dying after the losses of my older two children..

I can't understand, I've had 'worse' things happen to me and feel sort of OK about that, but this.. I don't know.

Does anyone have any idea why this hits so hard after all these years? How I can try and process what was essentially a practical joke or just make me feel a bit better by telling me what a twat my ex is

I feel like I'm going mad by still being upset about this.

Can I ask those who recommended it, what is EMDR therapy?

Do counsellors advertise it as a specialty, or how do I go about finding one?

I've never had counselling before (bar one session with the transplant unit before my son died) so I haven't a clue how to find a good counsellor, or one who specialises in this.

(Sorry for asking and derailing my own thread with questions).

I guess he was emotionally abusive, but it didn't really register as that.

If I say I got hit then people understand that and it's recognised as abuse. If I say that my partner got moody and didn't talk to me for a day then it doesn't sound all that bad.

That only doesn't sound bad to people who know nothing about domestic abuse.

This ex was (is) a sadistic psychopath. He planned and took pleasure in tricking you into believing you were going to die without your child, knowing you've experienced child death, just after a traumatic birth, when you were sleep deprived, breastfeeding and actually sleeping. This is extreme psychological abuse.

Sending the poo photo is also abusive: public humiliation (only any decent human mother who received that will not have found it funny).

I agree EMDR might be a good thing to try. It's relatively quick and you don't need to tell the therapist every minute detail, although it can help.

Oh I am so sorry. He's beneath contempt.

Yes, me too, while choking on its contents.

Did none of the people he sent this photo to say anything to him about his appalling behaviour?

It's can be hard to find a good therapist. So Clinical Psychologists tend to be good but are highly trained so usually quite expensive. But a variety of therapists can be trained in EMDR. You can look for accredited EMDR therapists which will ensure the person really does have a lot of experience (it takes quite a lot to get accredited)

You can search for a therapist here emdrassociation.org.uk/find-a-therapist/ and that page will also tell you a little about EMDR. But truthfully, most research on therapy suggests the relationship between you and the therapist is the thing that makes most of a difference so you want to find someone you feel as safe as possible with and that you trust as much as you can.

Good luck with it, you're clearly an amazing woman.

With the photo, his brothers girlfriend sent me a screenshot of the photo/conversation to give me the heads up I suppose.

He had sent the photo to his brother (his girlfriend was about 7 months pregnant at the time) telling him the romance was about to go from his relationship, and that he wouldn't be able to have sex with me again, but didn't know if it was because I was now fat, because he watched me take a dump in front of him, or because my vagina was all stretched now after 4 dc, and the pair of them laughed about it, the whole conversation was vile, and I know it caused issues in the brothers relationship too.

He did say he sent the photo to his ex (who had a much older child by him, unbeknownst to me until I was pregnant with baby 2) to congratulate her on not doing it when she gave birth. I don't know if he actually did though.

He took great delight in telling a couple of my family members, and even a couple of random people who stopped to fuss over the baby, and asked about the birth.

The only reason the bed was left for a bit was because I was so unwell and got whisked away for a transfusion etc almost immediatly so the midwife didn't clear up quickly as they did with my previous births.

He was left in the room with my daughter and this is what he chose to do.

Exactly. Most adults, especially those with their own children know that it is extremely common to soil oneself when bearing down.

It's also very common when people pass away, but I've never heard anything say, "nan died peacefully then shat herself." It's so fucking disrespectful.

I'd think anyone who said it about a deathbed or childbed is absolute trash.

Thank you, that is so helpful.

I never really pictured myself having any sort of therapy, so it's not something I've ever looked into before.

I always worried if I start pulling the thread of one thing, everything will unravel, and there has just been so much gone on that I can't fall apart.

This thread has definitely made me see that talking about things can help a lot.

If you're worried about opening up the box inside and you don't want to do that (it's quite common that people don't want to) then talk to the therapist about that at the start and they can help you with the right techniques and approach's

What an absolute arsehole! Nuclear war is one of my biggest fears, that would be traumatic to anyone, even those who don't have children. He did it after you were recovering from giving birth (alone by the sound of it) and feeling vulnerable.

I think I've seen that video actually, it's very realistic and it's scary even though I watched it knowing it wasn't real. That he made you think it's real and scared you so much, well, I hope his reward is a lonely old age. I'm so sorry for the loss of your older children too. I hope you're finally cancer free. ❤️

The more you say about him the more clear it is to us that he was abusive towards you.

You sound amazingly strong, and you're going to be okay. xxx

It was so realistic.

I've actually just remembered that we were watching something on another channel and he said he wanted to watch whatever was on BBC at that time. I thought it was a bit weird, but I was tired,, so never really questioned it.

He had clearly picked the one he was going to use, and premeditated that part too.

I just can't wrap my head around watching someone go through a traumatic birth, then 3 days later thinking "do you know what would be funny, I'll make her think her babies are going to die", I honestly cannot comprehend the thought process and the planning involved just to watch me suffer.

I was yelling instructions at him to block the windows and fill up bottles of water while I was putting my shoes on to run and get my child (no easy task considering). He took the piss out of me so much for that, but I didn't really know what to do. I was so scared.

I'm actually just waiting on some test results, but I'm cautiously optimistic that I am cancer free, I'm certainly doing a lot better lately and feeling more healthy than I have in 2 or 3 years. Thank you.

I hope you feel well supported and listened to by these responses, OP.

Just another adding to the chorus- the reason you feel traumatised is because what happened was traumatic. I feel like crying just reading what that utter twat put you through.

The disgusting contempt he treated you by sharing the photograph tells you who he really is. It's no better than men who "punish" their partners by engaging in so-called "revenge porn" as it is designed to humiliate.

It's not your fault.

I really do feel so supported.

For years I've felt as though I've been going mad, thinking it was just a stupid joke that I've overreacted to, and trying to find a way to come to terms with such a non event.

I fully expected to be told as much from this post tbh.

I've cried, with relief (I think) 3 times since I started this.

It was awful, my feelings are valid, I deserved better, and I'm justified in feeling traumatised by this.

I cannot thank you all enough, honestly, this has made such a positive difference to me.

I hope he burns.

He’s a failure at everything, but mostly being a human being. What unbelievable filth he is.

I’m not surprised this has stuck with you OP, it’s haunting me a bit now.

I would never be able to forgive someone for internationally causing me to feel (surely) one of the worst feelings on earth, so that they could laugh at me. Your feelings are completely valid and I’m so sorry that your family member dismissed them.

I also think counselling could help.

That's not jokey behaviour ( and im all for practical jokes probably some a bit close to the line) thats the behaviour of a complete wanker!

Do you know what your reaction to it really makes me admire you , thinking to board the windows up and bottle water . Then to go out into danger yourself to get your other child! Really am impressed by your survival instincts and protection instincts here Shows how amazing you are xx

Good luck!

Honestly think there's something wrong with people like your ex. There's something not human about what he did. Although the fact that three days post partum and in the middle of such fear you were thinking clearly about ways to survive and going to fetch your child, shows that you have strength and courage that he'll never have! (I'd just be downing a bottle of gin.)

He’s a sociopath.

I really hope he’s not in another relationship, or if he is, it’s with a descendant of Lucretia Borgia.

I detest him. What a weapons-grade arsehole. Except arseholes are useful, so he’s not even that.

Jesus op, the more you write about him, the more he sounds like a psychopath. A proper emotionally abusive psychopath. Good job getting away from him.
You sound like a lovely mother who loves her babies dearly

This is fucking mental, he's an absolute lunatic. You need some EMDR therapy for the memory, it'll reduce the intensity and help you process it. Highly recommend.

Fuck me I am so sorry someone you thought you could trust did something so cruel. He tortured you.

Here's an idea for a joke.

Why don't you do a mock up of a letter from his GP/local health authority saying we have reviewed some old tests and have discovered you have a terminal disease with very short life expectancy. We understand this will come as a shock to you. Here are some addresses to contact to arrange a funeral and a will.

Er... not a joke ...because it's just not funny making people think they or their loved ones might die.

In addition to everything else posters have said, there is absolutely no shame or embarrassment in soiling yourself whilst labouring! I imagine the majority of women do, one of mine was a waterbirth and well.. turds, midwives and fishing nets you get the idea 😁 it makes me laugh when I remember it.

The only people who would find it remotely acceptable to embarrass a woman for a natural process, let alone what that thing did to you are immature, psychotic pricks.

I don’t think I’ve felt so affected by a thread before, I really hope you get whatever help you feel is required and it’s all on the up from here!