Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

To think its pretty poor form, childs party

219 replies

Legaldrama · 14/06/2023 20:38

I'm on the WhatsApp group for ds's nursery class, 16 children. There's been a party today for one of the children that it seems only ds wasn't invited to. The mothers are all sending thanks for a great party etc.

Ds is a sweet boy and plays nicely with the other dc according to his teacher, they run up and hug in thr morning etc, I can't see any reason why he's not been invited.

It stings that they are using the group to share thanks, when ds wasn't invited, surely its more discreet to send individual messages, as the invite wasn't sent on the WhatsApp. I know not all dc can be invited to everything, but to exclude just one seems so mean.

OP posts:
Poppingmad123 · 15/06/2023 20:10

I wouldn’t worry as there will be plenty more parties to come that you will become sick of them 😂

It does seem more than likely that his invite just got lost along the way rather than him being deliberately excluded.

However, as everyone is thanking on WhatsApp you could say either in the group or to the mum privately… “Oh gosh, little (insert kids name) must have lost his invitation! I didn’t see it, else I would have replied “ … wait for reply…..
Then… “He would have loved to come too but we were actually away visiting family that weekend”. 😄

WhatAmIDoingWrong123 · 15/06/2023 21:49

ChateauMargaux · 14/06/2023 21:09

Why does everyone assume that it must have been a mistake - it will have been painfully obvious at the party that mini legal was not there.. why should legal be all 'bright and breezy'...

Legal - you have a right to feel hurt, angry, upset.. I have no answers.. but sending you a hug.

Maybe it was a mistake, but the other mums don’t know that and they’re being passive aggressive towards the OP and want to let her know they know (think) she ignored the invite that they don’t know she didn’t get?

It was probably a mistake.

Mummabear89 · 15/06/2023 22:05

This has happened to my DS6. Yesterday every child in his class got an invite except for him. DH collected him from school yesterday and saw that other children had an invite so asked our DS if he got one, DS said no and mentioned the child who the invite was for, DH asked if he was upset by it, DS said no, so DH left it at that. DH messaged me about the lack of invite and I said 'and that's fine' We discussed it after our DS had gone to bed and it turns out that the child who's party it is, is the child that has caused problems for our DS at school in the past (bribed him to break his glasses for a sticker, (we are in the process of an ADHD diagnosis for him and he is very easily lead which this child knew) he instantly burst into tears when he realised what he had done, he got told off by the teacher for breaking his glasses and the child in question supposedly lost their play time the next school day. This child doesn't seem to like our DS at all whereas he gets on with everyone really well and likes everyone too) When I told DH that this is the child who made our DS break his glasses, he said 'well I'm glad that he didn't get invited then' I can imagine that it hurts you a little bit thinking why wasn't my child included. Just remember that there are always going to be other parties and birthdays.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

General education
bossybloss · 15/06/2023 22:52

I wouldn’t send a message or make anything of it. Move on as I am sure your child has.There will be plenty of other invites but you don’t want to be “that” parent . People will remember you making a fuss.Encourage friendships both in and out of school; drama classes, sports,scouts etc and make these friendships as important as school friendships.Talk to your child about some people being just acquaintances and others being close friends. All will be well ….. I have been there and now have a well rounded , feisty 28 year old who has tons of friends….lives in London and seems to be at a party every weekend. 🤣

T1Dmama · 16/06/2023 00:07

DaveRocks · 15/06/2023 06:42

It may have been an innocent mistake. I still cringe when I look back to DDs 4th birthday party. I work, so I don’t do all pick ups/drops off (therefore don’t meet all the parents). I asked nursey for a list of the girls, as planned to invite them all. Askes DD for a list (bearing in mind that she wasn’t even 4 at the time) Went ahead with the party. Realised 2 weeks later that we had missed one girl off. One girl that I didn’t know, my DD hadn’t mentioned. I felt awful - as that girl would have known she had been ‘left out’. DD ended up in the same class as her, 5 years on and her mum still has never spoken to me 😳😬

Why on earth would you not approach and apologise the second you realised?

xoomer · 16/06/2023 06:42

The OP has already decided that even though she is wondering what happened and feeling sad for her LO. (Rightly so). She will leave it.

I'm autistic and when my kids are left out I think about it constantly and look silly so I get it.

Best decision op.

xoomer · 16/06/2023 06:44

Also how are you getting these lists of kid's names? My eldest is 13 and nursery or school have never been allowed to give out lists.

SmurfetteSalad · 16/06/2023 06:54

Ihavekids · 14/06/2023 21:29

I couldn't get worked up about this. It's a nursery aged kids party, not your best friends wedding.

It's most likely your invite was mislaid, but if you want to do something about it, then by all means ask the mum, calm and polite, if your child has upset her child, as you felt it was quite strange every other child but yours was invited.

But I'd leave it.

This.

Breakingpoint1961 · 16/06/2023 07:12

It hurts when you are excluded..it hurts tenfold when it's your child that's excluded (or appears to be) so your feelings are valid, let nobody tell you any different.

You are doing the right thing by ignoring it and rising above it. Sadly this probably will not be the only exclusion (him being v little) so it's something you will have to wrestle with, but you will, and so will DS, and the world keeps turning.

I sincerely hope you don't take it personally, I'm sure your DS is a lovely little fella who is loved deeply by his parents, that's worth more than any invite OP.

Yourcatisnotsorry · 16/06/2023 08:16

We had a whole class party and one invite got lost, another party double checked with me and of course I reinvited. We’ve also missed an invite to a party of my child’s friends, I messaged to check they hadn’t fallen out and again it was a lost invite and we are going. It’s very certainly that. Unless a massive back story that your son bites everyone or you had an affair with her husband or something 😉

Catspyjamas17 · 16/06/2023 08:35

It's probably accidental. When DDs were at nursery it was guesswork as to who their friends were and who they wanted to the party. Even if they had a list of everyone from the Whatsapp group it would be easy to miss someone by mistake.

FlipFlop1987 · 16/06/2023 18:17

You know what they say ‘kill them with kindness’.

I too would send a private message just to the Mum and say, “oh I’m so sorry the paper invite must have gone astray before it made it home. Not to worry, hope you had a lovely time!”

FlipFlop1987 · 16/06/2023 18:22

Snugglemonkey · 15/06/2023 10:27

We had one and it was really handy. Organising teacher gifts, birthday parties, playdates etc. Children would have missed out if their parent was not on it.

Show quote history

Really helpful! We remind each other of trips, training days, tuck shop day, share photos of jumpers/hats/gloves we’ve accidentally got mixed up. All busy Mums and it means everyone just remembers a bit of the huge amount of info we get sent home and then reminds others come the time

BabeRuthless · 16/06/2023 19:14

xoomer · 16/06/2023 06:44

Also how are you getting these lists of kid's names? My eldest is 13 and nursery or school have never been allowed to give out lists.

My eldest is 16 now and when he was in primary school we used to get a list of first names (along with initial of surname if there was a shared first name) for Christmas cards & invites. Our local newspaper had class photos of school starters in a special supplement but they mix up the names so they don’t match the order of the kids in the photo.

Mikimoto · 16/06/2023 19:51

Maybe they were ok about inviting the child, but not so keen on the child's paranoid DM being there....

cyncope · 16/06/2023 20:05

If this happened to me I'd assume that:

  • the invite got lost or my child was off the day they were handed out
  • the parent didn't know my child's name
  • my child had been missed off a list given out by nursery or something

The last thing I'd think was that some normal-seeming mum I didn't really know, had deliberately invited every single child in the class only excluding my nice well behaved kid for no reason, and then had posted about it on the whatsapp group.

SiennaT · 16/06/2023 20:07

I once did a party for my daughter’s 5th birthday. The whole class was invited but not everyone rsvpd. I didn’t want to chase those few that hadn’t replied. After one of the mums approached me to ask why her son was the only one left out. The invite must have been lost in his tray or something. Lesson learnt that from now on I always chase those that haven’t replied. Or perhaps they had limited space and had to choose a select few? Sorry, it sucks to be left out.

converseandjeans · 16/06/2023 20:10

We had this with DD footie team. We had seen everyone that morning & then following day photos of a sleepover appeared & DD was only one not there. Another child wasn't there but was invited. I think I commented that it was s shame as we hadn't known about it & they reckoned girls had sorted it out themselves - but they were 9ish. It's really horrible OP.

Kendodd · 16/06/2023 20:16

Assuming this wasn't a mistake on the other parents part, that is really nasty behaviour. The other parents will have noticed this as well and it won't make the party parent look good.

My children had a similar experience. They used to go to a parent and toddler group in a village hall. Toddler group ran from 10am to 12pm and about 18 children attended every week. One of the parents booked the hall for a birthday party straight after the group, from 12pm to 2pm. Only about 10/11 of the toddler group children were invited to the party though. They all had to watch the birthday tables, food and games being set up before the ones who weren't invited were ushered out so the party could start. Loads of the invited parents looked really uncomfortable and embarrassed watching this and one of them even said something about it to the birthday childs parent. The birthday parent, got quite defensive about not having to invite everyone and happily waved the other children off so party could start.

Fisharejumping · 16/06/2023 20:39

Is ds upset about not being invited? If not I would forget about it. If he is then I would just be very direct and politely talk to the mum about how you both feel.

MargaretThursday · 16/06/2023 20:54

Why would the other parents notice?
I mean, I've never thrown a party with lots of children where all invited attended, and my dc have never attended a party where I've spent time wondering about other children. If I did notice a child wasn't there who I'd have expected, then my assumption would have been that they'd not been able to come for some reason. I doubt I'd have given it enough thought to work out he was the only one not there.

But the most likely if he was the only one not there is that it was a mistake.

For my 6th birthday dm asked me to make a list of who I wanted to invite. So I went through in my head and invited all the girls who were in one of the same groups as me in my class. So the maths group, the writing group, the reading group, the craft group...
And I gave dm my list of 10 girls.
Dm looked at the list and asked if it was all the girls. I remember answering confidently that it wasn't. She asked who had been left out and when I thought about it, I realised there was only one, so dm added her.
Now in my defence there'd been a big turnover that year in the class and about 5 girls had left (I can remember 5 by name, may have been more), but I genuinely had no intention on missing one girl out-a girl I never really had much contact with, but was totally happy for her to come. However, if dm hadn't directly asked me to name who wasn't on my list I would have not realised.

CakeIsNotAvailable · 16/06/2023 21:53

I don't think OP is being paranoid here. Something similar happened to my son. He was in a class of 28 at preschool. One child had a party and 25 of the 28 children were invited. One of the other mothers challenged the host, and she sheepishly admitted it and said it was a small venue and she had left out children that her child mentioned the least at home. Perhaps it was a coincidence, but the excluded children included a child with SEN and a child with previous experience of the care system. It felt very targeted.

I totally understand inviting just the girls or boys, or inviting 10 children from a class of 30, but just leaving out a couple isn't kind, especially at such a young age.

Harmonypus · 17/06/2023 04:29

Suck it up, it's been and gone now - past history, nothing you can do about it.

If you're REALLY all that bothered by it, why don't you just ask the parent(s) why your child wasn't invited, but be prepared to be told that they were invited and that you clearly didn't check their school bag properly

Carzo · 17/06/2023 06:54

I feel so sorry for you, I know all about the horribleness of some parents. Someone mentioned kingmaking, I thought I imagined that, so I'm not the only one. Anyway I always want to say be careful what you wish for. We became friends with parents and a child in school and the child subsequently went on to bully our girl, and it has all been very hard. What also often occurs to me is all the things children are taught about being kind and respectful and not bullying and really it's all bullshit because the adults aren't doing it.

Izzieloo · 17/06/2023 07:45

I once had this happen to me they didn’t invite my child as my child didn’t have a party when she celebrated her birthday two weeks before. This got back to me via another mum .
I wrapped a present and a card and sent it to the party with the friend we were round each other’s houses all the time and was very friendly.

Swipe left for the next trending thread