It half term and DH is iill.., again

[IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads]

Every flaming school holiday DH is Iill. He's not a teacher, doesn't work in education. just a dad who seems to have some kind of man flu stress response to spend more than a few hours with his children )they are 11 and 14). It's no longer a joke to me about how many different places in the UK and abroad we've bought Lemsip in!!

Apparently he's too poorly to get up, and going by past experience will be for 4 or 6 days.

So - that's a wasted theatre ticket tonight, and me trying to book a bit of leave at short notice next week. The DC are old enough to look after themselves, buy we are rural enough throat they need lifts to places/cricket camp/friends etc.

Every flaming holiday.

(I took the Easter holidays off and the summer is split between us. Both are too old for holiday clubs. They see friends a bit. No local grandparents in good enough health.)

I don’t see what the point is in lying about the OP’s boss refusing AL or whatever.

This is a moment for cards in the table.

Look DH, this happens every single time you are on leave. Frankly, I’m not willing to rearrange my leave yet again to cover for you having some kind of allergy to parenting. It’s not good enough and both I and the kids deserve better than this.

We have had over a decade of this and I’ve had enough. You need to sort this out because you are letting your children down yet again and expecting me to smooth it out so they don’t resent you. I’m no longer willing to do so.

If he actually saw this as a problem, he would have properly addressed and sorted it long ago. But here you are, another half term, and you’re in a situation where you need to rearrange your work so that your children can do the activities he is supposed to be facilitating.

My father was like this (still is) - genuine illness but behaved like a dying swan each time and as a result missed a huge portion of my childhood as he was in bed. He managed to function fine when convenient but when it came to family time/days out it was all too much apparently. I have a very poor relationship with him now, as his selfishness was staggering. I don't begrudge anyone feeling unwell but it was the convenient timing of it all that hurt the most, meanwhile mum was left to carry it all. I am myself disabled and feel like crap regularly but still manage to hold down a full time job and parent. Never let it spoil things for the kids. I have had one time in bed with flu on a decade, and only because awesome DH told me to as I was that poorly. I think your DH needs to think long and hard about the impact his behaviour on his relationship with your children. If he is poorly fine, but he needs to stop being such a wet blanket.

Christ! Tell him to grow up and man up and look after his kids! If we are ill we struggle on

THIS…

it’s not acceptable

Stop enabling this pathetic waste of oxygen

If he's genuinely ill every holiday, there must be something triggering.
Does he react to certain foods? I don't know, do you have pizza to celebrate end of term or something and he's intolerant?

It's called, not wanting to look after the kids in school holidays.

I know people who say they become ill when they stop work and finally relax on holiday, but not every holiday for 10 years!!

If he's got a productive cough he's obviously not faking it but I wouldn't expect him to be out of action for 4-6 days. There's obviously something going on with his immune system for him to get bed bound illnesses so frequently but then it sounds like he's milking it because he knows you'll pick up the slack. I'm guessing by day 3 in bed he's normally watching something, reading etc having quite a chilled out time.

I'm glad you didn't miss out on your plans.

You know the truth, it's just hard to accept, he doesn't want to look after or even spend time with his children.
He might have genuine symptoms but that's the underlying cause, if it was anything serious you would know after 10 years.
A lot of people get married and have kids because it's expected of them and are just not happy. Perhaps he might relate to them better when they are adults.

I'm not being awful, my mum behaved like this, she didn't want to spend any time with us, we got on better adults but it's left me and my sister thinking she really didn't like us.
The point is, don't forget it will affect your children too.

What happened in his childhood that might have caused this avoidance - if it's psychosomatic there is probably something at the root of it.
Did something happen to him as a child in holidays eg sent to live with relative or left alone in the house? Was ill but no one at home to care for him?
Try counselling.

There is some science suggesting that if you are stressed at work, the stress hormones keep other bugs away and when you stop work for time off, you are more likely to catch something, could it be that?

if so you husband should find a better way of relaxing during term time or find another job as you referenced.

https://www.womenshealthmag.com/uk/health/conditions/a705535/why-do-you-always-get-sick-when-you-take-time-off-work-holiday/

We should remember that the OP works too. Possibly in a job that as (or even more) stressful than her husbands.

She’s not taking herself off to bed and expecting her husband to sort everything out/rearrange his leave so he can pick up her responsibilities.

This is a long-standing pattern. He needs to find ways to ensure it doesn’t happen - just like his wife has been managing to do for over a decade.

I agree, but I think the point about whether it's a genuine illness is to ensure that you tackle the problem from a balanced standpoint.

If you immediately dismiss the fact that he's genuinely unwell, then you reduce your chances of having a productive and meaningful discussion. People who are feeling attacked and get defensive probably aren't going to be as likely to take on board some hard truths and agree to a compromise.

Is it unfortunate that DH is unwell and not feeling up to much on his time off work? Yes.

Does that mean he can just lay about in bed all day, sit out of any parenting whilst OP takes time off work to cover? No.

But if you go in guns blazing with accusations of "faking it" or as if getting ill is something in DH's control, my guess is he'll see himself as the victim and stop listening.

It may feel ridiculous after 10 years, but the aim is to find a resolution - not to score points or "win".

In most jobs you’d still be expected to work as normal with a cough. He’s not parenting toddlers or tiny babies, which is hard work- he’s parenting teens/tweens.

A man with a cough can still drive a couple of times a day and make some beans on toast at lunchtime.

How much time off sick does your husband have? If he is routinely bed bound with a ‘productive cough’ that most OTC medicines are designed for, he must be v close to losing his job with the amount of sick leave he’s taking?

@IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads , do you think he could be neurodiverse in some way, eg autistic? Or maybe hiding depression? I believe you when you say he's a good guy and not faking it. So my theories are either his body is maybe responding to the release of work stress by allowing illness (like people have said), or maybe he finds the idea of being in charge of the children so stressful (due to depression/neurodiversity) that he becomes ill as a result. That would tally with do nothing illness. Just a thought. I hope he'll feel better soon, and that you'll get to the bottom of it. You sound very caring - keep up the good work.