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Original poster

It half term and DH is iill.., again

191 replies

IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads · 26/05/2023 17:03

Every flaming school holiday DH is Iill. He's not a teacher, doesn't work in education. just a dad who seems to have some kind of man flu stress response to spend more than a few hours with his children )they are 11 and 14). It's no longer a joke to me about how many different places in the UK and abroad we've bought Lemsip in!!

Apparently he's too poorly to get up, and going by past experience will be for 4 or 6 days.

So - that's a wasted theatre ticket tonight, and me trying to book a bit of leave at short notice next week. The DC are old enough to look after themselves, buy we are rural enough throat they need lifts to places/cricket camp/friends etc.

Every flaming holiday.

(I took the Easter holidays off and the summer is split between us. Both are too old for holiday clubs. They see friends a bit. No local grandparents in good enough health.)

OP posts:
mauricemossmylove · 27/05/2023 17:29

5128gap · 26/05/2023 22:44

A person I knew who did this turned out to be an alcoholic. Annual leave and family holidays prevented their normal secret drinking patterns and it was the withdrawals that made them ill.
If this really is every single time, no exaggeration, then there will be a reason. Leaving him to get on regardless isn't the answer (he won't). You need to get to the bottom of it.

actually it reminded me absolutely of my alcoholic ex but I didn't want to say it for fear of being accused of hysteria.
He lay in bed every weekend and only got up when I was getting ready to put our small DC to bed. Every weekend. I'd had enough by the time our youngest was 9 months old.

Sussexcricket · 27/05/2023 18:04

They are 11 and 14 not 4 and 1 so he can surely supervise them with a cold ?

Wally1983 · 27/05/2023 18:10

is he leaving it too long in between time off? Was his last holiday Xmas? And he’s now worn out and then that’s why he’s becoming ill?
just a suggestion obviously but could well be he’s exhausted and not enough “rest”…..who as an adult has “rest” time I don’t know but could very well be linked?
I’m no use if my hubby is ill, like zero patience coz I know if it was me I’d just have to crack on and do whatever needed done regardless how rubbish I felt!

Gingernan · 27/05/2023 18:35

With children that age he really just needs to be on hand does t he.He can even order shopping online etc.No excuse really but I know how some people can be!

DeedlessIndeed · 27/05/2023 18:37

Is he in a really high stress role? I only ask as I have a similar thing, whenever I take any more than a bank holiday off work I seem to get really sick. Kidney infections / Flu / Migraines etc. GP advised that it is part of the stress response, when you are used to existing at 100 miles p/h and then suddenly stop, this bizarrely causes even more stress and your immune response can take a big hit.

Having said that, even with whatever illness I still am always present to do what needs to get done. Nothing to stop a grown man nipping kids to cricket/friends/cinema wherever and then heading up to bed for a bit of rest afterwards, I wonder if he's playing on it somewhat to get out of parenting.

SusanMaria · 27/05/2023 19:23

OP: "he's a great dad, does housework and nappy changing etc".

Also OP: "this illness thing has been going on for ten years"

Your DC are 11 and 14. So he did a few years as Wonder Dad then thought fuck this and checked out, whilst continuing to trade on the name perhaps? Ten years is plenty long enough to either decide to make life changes to prevent the illnesses happening, or at least to prevent them impacting family life, or to kick up a stink at the doctor's and get further investigations done. If he is alcoholic or drug addict he's probably not going to return from the doctor and announce it, more like cover it up to the doctor so doctors remain baffled by symptoms. Whatever is going on, it's time to start expecting him to sort it out OP.

AbreathofFrenchair · 27/05/2023 19:29

IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads · 26/05/2023 17:03

Every flaming school holiday DH is Iill. He's not a teacher, doesn't work in education. just a dad who seems to have some kind of man flu stress response to spend more than a few hours with his children )they are 11 and 14). It's no longer a joke to me about how many different places in the UK and abroad we've bought Lemsip in!!

Apparently he's too poorly to get up, and going by past experience will be for 4 or 6 days.

So - that's a wasted theatre ticket tonight, and me trying to book a bit of leave at short notice next week. The DC are old enough to look after themselves, buy we are rural enough throat they need lifts to places/cricket camp/friends etc.

Every flaming holiday.

(I took the Easter holidays off and the summer is split between us. Both are too old for holiday clubs. They see friends a bit. No local grandparents in good enough health.)

How do his employers feel about him having so much time off ill? Surely that's got to be raising some performance issues at work?

Tessabelle74 · 27/05/2023 19:41

Tell him to get up and get the fuck on with it like every other parent on duty over the school holidays! No way I'd be enabling this shit

Vinomummyinlockdown · 27/05/2023 19:49

Sure. LTB.

WonkyBananas · 27/05/2023 20:11

AbreathofFrenchair · 27/05/2023 19:29

How do his employers feel about him having so much time off ill? Surely that's got to be raising some performance issues at work?

Show quote history

It wouldn't be surprising if he's booking as much of the school holidays as he can as holidays.

However, it's far too coincidental that he's ill whenever it's the school holidays.

AbreathofFrenchair · 27/05/2023 20:45

WonkyBananas · 27/05/2023 20:11

It wouldn't be surprising if he's booking as much of the school holidays as he can as holidays.

However, it's far too coincidental that he's ill whenever it's the school holidays.

Show quote history

Either way, he's a lazy fucker with no intention of doing his fair share of parenting.

Quite embarrassing really to go to such lengths to avoid it.

Busbygirl · 27/05/2023 21:02

Surely if your DH is coughing etc he is genuinely ill and can’t help it?
DH can’t force himself to be ill.
If he can carry on with jobs etc fine, but if he really feels too poorly then you can’t do much about it.

PaigeMatthews · 27/05/2023 21:06

WashAsDelicates · 27/05/2023 12:36

But, yes, as a parent you don't get to just take to your bed whenever you feel rough.

This. Even if ill he needs to be out of bed and looking after his children.

Ap42 · 27/05/2023 21:31

I'm a single parent of a 7 and 11 year old. I recently had major surgery and still got on with it. Tell him straight that he will have to do the same. Its a cold for goodness sake.

Scotland32 · 27/05/2023 21:45

Letsallthinkofaname · 26/05/2023 17:05

Don't book extra leave. He's an adult, he's going to have to just woman up and get on with it.

This is going to be my new phrase “just woman up and get on with it”!

Brexiteermorons · 27/05/2023 21:51

It is a common thing. It is a release of stress from the pressure of work. Happened to my late husband every holiday

Splat92 · 28/05/2023 00:36

DeedlessIndeed · 27/05/2023 18:37

Is he in a really high stress role? I only ask as I have a similar thing, whenever I take any more than a bank holiday off work I seem to get really sick. Kidney infections / Flu / Migraines etc. GP advised that it is part of the stress response, when you are used to existing at 100 miles p/h and then suddenly stop, this bizarrely causes even more stress and your immune response can take a big hit.

Having said that, even with whatever illness I still am always present to do what needs to get done. Nothing to stop a grown man nipping kids to cricket/friends/cinema wherever and then heading up to bed for a bit of rest afterwards, I wonder if he's playing on it somewhat to get out of parenting.

This is exactly what I was going to say. In my old (stressful) job I used to get sick every time I took leave. It's like my body knew once I relaxed that it was OK to get sick now. So I do think he could be legitimately sick. Having said that he needs to suck it up and help parent his kids regardless.

Fooodie · 28/05/2023 03:21

I worked and looked after my DC and did the normal household work, etc, for 14 months with a very painful seperated shoulder. It was eventually operated on and I had 2 months rehab afterwards. My oldest DC is disabled so I couldn't take to my bed and stay there. If my DH behaved like the OP's for a year, let alone a decade, I'd have packed his bags and divorced him. As someone else said, he needs to woman up.

rainydaysandtuesday · 28/05/2023 05:44

Sounds familiar

Is he wearing the dressing gown of doom?

DozyDelia · 28/05/2023 08:22

PaigeMatthews · 27/05/2023 21:06

This. Even if ill he needs to be out of bed and looking after his children.

Show quote history

This is silly. If someone is THAT ill they can't at times
That's when a relatives or friend(s) might help out.

Feeling rough and being ill in bed are different.

I asked if he'd checked for Covid @IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads

has he?

DozyDelia · 28/05/2023 08:25

This thread has turned into the usual 'competition' of who's been the most ill and struggled on!

What you did was irrelevant.

Either he is genuinely ill (and he is with a productive cough- you can't fake that!) or he's putting it on (which he isn't.)

It might be a sheer coincidence, or it might be that there is some subtle 'fear of school holidays' going on which means he does succumb to bugs easily (as his immune system would be under stress.)

They need to talk about it, calmly.

NoodleC · 28/05/2023 08:34

This sounds like most of the women and men i work with. They work hard stressful jobs and are sick everytime they stop to have annual leave. Happened to be before too. It is likely nothing to do with the kids being off. That said he should manage the kids this week.

IncomingTraffic · 28/05/2023 09:00

DozyDelia · 28/05/2023 08:25

This thread has turned into the usual 'competition' of who's been the most ill and struggled on!

What you did was irrelevant.

Either he is genuinely ill (and he is with a productive cough- you can't fake that!) or he's putting it on (which he isn't.)

It might be a sheer coincidence, or it might be that there is some subtle 'fear of school holidays' going on which means he does succumb to bugs easily (as his immune system would be under stress.)

They need to talk about it, calmly.

the context that this has been happening every time he’s had AL that required spending time with his family for a over a decade makes a huge difference.

At this point, he’s taking the piss and does need to just get on with things.

It also does matter that the luxury of being ill for a week seems to be a privilege men get much more often than women. Does the OP get to spend 4-6 days in bed recovering when she’s ill? Or does she somehow just have to get on with life regardless? What about if they’re both ill? Is he just getting in with the stuff that has to be done too, or is it just her dragging herself out of bed to ensure the kids are fed something?

Dismissing women who point this stuff out as being ‘martyrs’ or whatever is pretty misogynistic. It IS a huge problem and disproportionately it is men who are benefitting.

GingerNutMe · 28/05/2023 09:34

He needs to have a proper chat with the GP about it and he needs to get an immediate GP's appointment when it happens so that he can have a proper check over at the time rather than talking about it after the event. From what you said he does seem to genuinely be poorly but does seems that something isn't right!

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 28/05/2023 09:58

Indoorcatmum · 26/05/2023 17:17

I would be saying your boss refused leave and that he will have to soldier on.

How utterly frustrating and pathetic!

I would be telling him that your boss has refused leave because he has noticed the 'pattern'. Point out that his childish sorry insulting to children nonsense has been noticed. What a lazy plank he is.