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Original poster

It half term and DH is iill.., again

191 replies

IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads · 26/05/2023 17:03

Every flaming school holiday DH is Iill. He's not a teacher, doesn't work in education. just a dad who seems to have some kind of man flu stress response to spend more than a few hours with his children )they are 11 and 14). It's no longer a joke to me about how many different places in the UK and abroad we've bought Lemsip in!!

Apparently he's too poorly to get up, and going by past experience will be for 4 or 6 days.

So - that's a wasted theatre ticket tonight, and me trying to book a bit of leave at short notice next week. The DC are old enough to look after themselves, buy we are rural enough throat they need lifts to places/cricket camp/friends etc.

Every flaming holiday.

(I took the Easter holidays off and the summer is split between us. Both are too old for holiday clubs. They see friends a bit. No local grandparents in good enough health.)

OP posts:
DozyDelia · 26/05/2023 19:42

Sounds more like a mental health/ marriage issue to me.

Being sick on the side of the road as it was a holiday trip?

Are you happy as a couple?

Why is he avoiding family time?

DemelzaandRoss · 26/05/2023 19:45

Hide the DG of Doom. Ignore the pathetic winging. Go out on your own & leave him to it.
All sounds extremely suspicious. Feel there’s a hidden agenda somewhere.

DorisParchment · 26/05/2023 19:47

Mine does this every Christmas. The illness doesn’t stop him from eating a massive Christmas dinner. And he was always worse when my mother came to stay, making a miraculous recovery when she left.

caringcarer · 26/05/2023 19:50

This is not just since Covid. OP said it has been going on for 10 years and various test show nothing is wrong with him. It sounds like he is just avoiding his share of parenting. My BiL is a bit like this and he actually got his DC of 11 and 13 making him lunch and cups of coffee when my sister was at work. My DSis was fuming when she got home. He is also ill every Christmas but usually before Xmas so he can't help with all the extra preparation. Too ill apparently to even help wrap their DC Xmas presents.

lightand · 26/05/2023 19:51

IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads · 26/05/2023 17:51

Yeh. Not going to take any additional leave , not that I have much to take, but I'll need to be creative with flexi time of DH does nit get up. DD has a couple of art workshops that I really wouldn't want her to miss.

We have spoken at length about this holiday illness thing. He's been fir a well man check over with our GP and BUPA and had various blood tests, and there's nothing apparently wrong. He eats ok, cycles to work do reasonably fit, and does
his fair share of housework. He swears he doesn't do it deliberately, but he's never ill in term time!!

This has been going on for at least 10 years. We've even stopped st the side of the motorway, 20 mins from home for him to be sick, and missed the first day of our holiday once. And many times he's lain in bed in the hotel/cottage. He appears genuinely ill - he's not reading, watching films or anything. Just lying in bed. I run out of tea and sympathy after about 24 hrs. But whatever he has, we've never got, even when it was d&v.

Sounds to me like he is overdoing things.

FraserNow · 26/05/2023 19:52

lightand · 26/05/2023 19:51

Sounds to me like he is overdoing things.

Show quote history

Overdoing the acting? yes I agree.

NumberTheory · 26/05/2023 19:57

If he’s been checked over physically and you and the kids never get whatever is laying him out for days at a time, it’s time for the psychiatrist isn’t it?

I’m not sure I could put up with this. Even if he feels awful, it seems clear there isn’t an underlying physical need to stay in bed, so why isn’t he looking for mental health support and meanwhile trying to suck it up and do what he can of what needs doing?

WorryMcGee · 26/05/2023 19:58

OP don’t let him get away with this any more. I’m sorry but lying in bed for days?! I had 8 rounds of fortnightly chemo that started when my DD was 6 months old so I was already bloody knackered when it started…I didn’t have days and days in bed! Likewise with the radiotherapy I just finished. Sounds like avoidingparentingitis to me and as far as I know the only cure for that is a kick up the arse.

tillylula · 26/05/2023 20:10

I have one of these.. suddenly starts feeling ill or has a headache when I'm going off to have some me time. I just make him get on with it because I cant cope. My kids are toddlers and im pregnant so he has no sympathy from me

Stomacharmeleon · 26/05/2023 20:20

Time to stop indulging him, tell him he has to do runs to art camp etc and go to work. Let him deal with the children.
That would drive me mad.

Jellybean23 · 26/05/2023 20:22

He seems afraid of being on his own with the kids, he can't cope, and it manifests itself as illness. He doesn't want to be in charge on his own although he probably would never admit to it. He has to face up to his responsibilities and get on with it like everyone else does. Don't take leave (say you can't have the time off because other husbands need to go sick this week).

Bluebells1970 · 26/05/2023 20:35

How in hell have you tolerated this for 10 years............

whynotwhatknot · 26/05/2023 20:38

more like he makes himself ill-who lies in bed for a week with a cold

dont bother trying to sort things out he can do it

zombie0037 · 26/05/2023 20:57

Here we go again yet again another load of ant-men responses to make the females look like the victims.

FraserNow · 26/05/2023 20:58

Here we go again with another zombie poster.

turnthetoiletpaperroundproperly · 26/05/2023 20:59

I only hope your children do not realise what their father is and what he does. You might have covered for him for now but your kids will if they havent already put 2 and 2 together and see soon enough. How awful for your children let alone you.

CountessBathorysBeautySecrets · 26/05/2023 20:59

zombie0037 · 26/05/2023 20:57

Here we go again yet again another load of ant-men responses to make the females look like the victims.

Ant Man aka Paul Rudd is my unproblematic fave.

It half term and DH is iill.., again
CountessBathorysBeautySecrets · 26/05/2023 20:59

(he'd never refer to a woman as a 'female')

ilovesushi · 26/05/2023 21:08

He needs to take a paracetamol and down an espresso and ferry them to where ever they need to do. Then he needs to do that again when they need collecting. You need to go to work, so he needs to make their spring break work. I am annoyed for you!

SlippySarah · 26/05/2023 21:12

If he is genuinely regularly in bed ill for 4 days, too ill to even drive a teen to an art class he needs to get himself back to the doctor. This is not normal for an otherwise healthy adult. Most of us manage to juggle work, family and mild illnesses successfully for our entire adult lives without disrupting our spouses in this way. Either he is taking the piss or there's something underlying this that needs addressing.

Take a friend to the theatre.

HamBone · 26/05/2023 21:14

It could well be stress-related, but if that’s the case and it’s happening regularly, he really needs to see his doctor and try to address it-for his own sake as well as everyone else’s.

sadsack78 · 26/05/2023 21:19

Maybe it would be worth saying to him 'You keep getting ill for a week multiple times a year, I want to take you to the GP and get a full panel of bloodwork/ some tests done because there is obviously something wrong with your health/ immune system'.

If he isn't genuinely unwell this might call his bluff. A lot of people find the prospect of actually going to a doctor daunting enough that they will drop the act. If he is actually ill that much he needs to get checked out anyway.

Not to make excuses for him because it does sound very irritating to deal with but it is possible he has CFS if he is truly wiped out by having to look after the kids.

Or he may have depression/ mh issues that, as PPs have pointed out, are showing up in this way because he isn't facing up to it.

ODFOx · 26/05/2023 21:37

I do this. My job is such that if I take a week off I need to get twice as much accomplished the week before and after, and the release of having all my ducks in a row and being in a position to walk away does make me ill for a few days.
Thus I have long weekends (less to prepare for) or a fortnight at a time ( enough time to unwind, get well and actually relax).
TLDR: it might not be his fault, he's just very tightly wound: he needs to book a couple of days off before you go away; and look for a job with a healthier work expectation.

5128gap · 26/05/2023 22:44

A person I knew who did this turned out to be an alcoholic. Annual leave and family holidays prevented their normal secret drinking patterns and it was the withdrawals that made them ill.
If this really is every single time, no exaggeration, then there will be a reason. Leaving him to get on regardless isn't the answer (he won't). You need to get to the bottom of it.

NoSquirrels · 27/05/2023 00:43

5128gap · 26/05/2023 22:44

A person I knew who did this turned out to be an alcoholic. Annual leave and family holidays prevented their normal secret drinking patterns and it was the withdrawals that made them ill.
If this really is every single time, no exaggeration, then there will be a reason. Leaving him to get on regardless isn't the answer (he won't). You need to get to the bottom of it.

Oof. Could be, I guess. The ‘stopping to vomit 20 minutes from home’ would be not an atypical reaction, if so.
Hopefully this is not it.

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